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Everything posted by abitbroken

  1. Some states offer a legal annulment for short marriage like that that turned out to be a scam or false pretenses. He should check with his local courthouse about that if that is where they married. They are not costly re Catholic church. They are free of charge in most dioceses. But I doubt they would have made it through the pre-marriage counseling to get married in the church had they barely spent time with eachother. Any issue that was not settled would have been brought to light. If someone was underaged/coerced or the person scammed the other person and it wasn't a sincere marriage on the part of one of the spouses, and a brief marriage, it is a lot easier to get and more of a slamdunk vs trying to get one after being married 20 years which is a drawn out situation and one may or may not be granted. you are required to get a legal divorce first in any case. But if neither of them is Catholic, it doesn't matter - no need to get one in that case. At any rate -- figure out what you are willing to do -- are you going to divorce her - and have the money aside to send her back. What are the restrictions for her to travel right now? Or do you wait until she can work and keep her here - live separately and divorce her in a couple years?
  2. Why are you with him if he already cheated on you? Why marry someone you do not trust? There is just no good outcome in that. if he behaves in an over familar manner that makes him prone to emotionally cheating first by being a "counselor" - then why torture yourself? Yes, you need to work through your trust issues so that you don't think every woman who draws a smiley is having an affair with him - but on the other hand, why not marry someone better? Its one thing to be married 30 years and decide to move past cheating but you have a chance to find a non-cheater.
  3. Yep. I think you are being very insecure. My sister dots her i's with hearts. She is not in love with everyone. Teachers draw smiley faces and people use smiley emojis. Usually the only people I hear calling women "females" (if they are not speaking as a adjectve, but to refer to a specific indivdual where "Women" "ladies" "actress" "boss" etc, would normally be used.) are very insecure males. My first boyfriend (when i was 20) used to talk about his friend not having met a "female" yet or talked about how he had no success in meteting "females". or "look...there are some females" Most people would say "i haven't met the right woman yet," " I haven't had a girlfriend" "I think i know who the woman over there is. Isn't that X from college?" He is going to get close to "females". He may have a sister-in-law or niece come into the family. He may be friends with a friend and his wife. Do you trust him? If you think that he becomes everyone's therapist and you do not like it -- give some other women credit that they actually have boundaries and don't fall for that behavior or don't marry a man you do not respect.
  4. I would not start monitoring her messages because it just leads to resentment. Because she is the one who offered, she will just create a secret account of something - email, some sort of chat or messaging to talk to this guy or even give him the info to contact her at work, so she can make a bigger fool of you. I would do what i said before and get some of your own friends and interests or at least interests. If you do something different and experience some growth, that is what is going to freak her out the most. She is going to move beyond the point of groveling again once she is confident that you won't leave. So there has to be a different solution than monitoring her messages.
  5. Agree. Stopping by is fine, but expecting a dinner party with all the stops pulled out or for the other person to play host is different. I completely disagree with you. (she did know in advance because she invited them) I am an introverted person and if my guy had friends over when i arrived home and expected me to entertain them - tell charming stories, maybe cook or whatever, that would be a heck no. If he told me he had a friend stop by, but i was free to tackle what i needed to do after work as long as i popped in and said hello, that's different. He knows not to blindside me like that, and he is the opposite, he needs time BEFORE work to not have any demands on his schedule to get what he needs to get done done and have that mental prep time. I don't have friends or family stop by at that time. Instead, we decide what day we are going to invite friends over for dinner at a time that works for both so we can both have our schedules clear and can enjoy our guests
  6. I think he got excited about you and all caught up in the attraction and then it made him realize he's not in a good space. Just like someone who realizes they are not really ready to date -- he was reminded the custody battle is where his focus should be. I do agree that you asking him if you were just a hookup alerted him that he can't just go with the flow and you expect him to define what you have. He's not ready to define something more than just dating. And its too soon. As far as the vacation invite, just because someone doesn't have perfect boundaries doesn't mean that they are just driven by lust. It might have something that he blamed on Covid, but he might have also canceled partially to realize that. (if it was a year ago, yes, it would have been cancelled due to covid, but this year, some restrictions are lifted and unless the vacation was planned 2 years ago - people would have not planned any trip at all because they had concerns traveling or covid doesn't bother them because they are even thinking about a trip in the first place.
  7. The only possible benefit of the doubt would be is if the child was from a brief relationship and the mother didn't tell him about the child right away or claimed another man was the dad. Often in single mom cases they don't go looking for the dad if she won't name him. Or if the man who is raising him is not fit either, they won't go looking for the bio dad. But other than that -- i would have highly judged him if his child had been taken away for the possibility of a boyfriend
  8. Why is his son in foster care? Did the mother lose the child and he really not know the child was his at first or is he a lousy father? Is there any end in sight on the case or has his kid been in foster care for the duration of the relationship? If i were you, I would not have announced a decision until you had researched where you would have worked or lived -- but you do know he was in no position to leave so it would have been a breakup - to tell someone "come or break up" when you know he cannot - i want to ask if your decision really was to break up but you didn't want to be the one to do it? The tactic of making the other person break up so you don't have to. If you really didn't want to break up, i would have booked a trip to see your kids - go back to the US as travel allowed and stay a few weeks and see if it soothed your missing of your kids Its really hard to walk back from your announcement. At this point, I would go home anyways - if he has his foot out the door already, there is nothing left here to see
  9. You are a couple, not roommates. Its fair for you to be warned/have a part in deciding when you will entertain. What if you told her that you really need some downtime after work, and what about "let' sinvite friends over friday night" or something. The fact that she expects you to be ready to entertain an have your party face on for people on zero notice is rude. You are not saying she can't have a friend stop by. BIG difference from being a host.
  10. Only if he starts using her cell and personal email and gets back in touch. I would not double down at this point. He was clear he was impressed with her work, he didn't state anything personal about her -- he didn't reference a hobby or an inside joke. I think that she is crushing and he is not.
  11. You gave him your cell phone number. I would leave it alone now. He knows how to contact you if he wants to. He may never contact you. He may contact you in a fully professional manner (telling you about an open position or something) or he might be interested. You gave him the tools - now leave him be. You may decide in a few months "What was i thinking?" when you think back about crushing on him and you saved yourself a lot of embarrassment by keeping it ambiguous.
  12. Pack your bags. If he was going to leave you because the relationship was stagnant, then he can't complain about you leaving. If there is no commitment at this point, there will never be Also, don't be surprise if this opens you up to meeting someone who is excited about you.
  13. If she cuts this guy off and let's say she loses these other online friends, its easy to make more friends who are gamers. its really odd to me that she is so protective of him. I would stop asking her to choose while tiptoeing around her life a timid mouse. (i am introverted to and know we live a lot of life in our heads and it could be that you are quiet around the house with her and are following your same routine). I would start taking an interest in myself. If you have gained the pandemic 15 'bs and wear sweatpants around the house - start walking, start learning to dress so you look nicely pulled together. Volunteer in your area - if you have a profession like IT, you can fix the computer at the local outreach center that lets low income people use the internet for job hunting or for the after school club. Just something else besides work. Try to also make friends -- there must be a networking group for your profession or ex-pats from your original country that have an online group or something. She won't know what hit her when you start being less predictable. and then tell her to choose. You will not tolerate a marriage where you wife is having an affair. its time to choose whether to cut this guy off. if her friends abandon her, then they were not true friends and stay married or to leave and go live with her mother.
  14. I would explore whether you want to be grounded because you really want to unplug from the contstant social obligations (online or in person) or you want the attention that one gets when one tells friends they are grounded and can get sympathy. I would imagine it was the former? I would go on a fast -- a social media fast for 48 hours or even a week to see what it feels like and i would decline any social obligations as long as its not something harmful to miss (i.e. go to a tutoring session, but not a meetup at the park) and give yourself some chores (have you not cleaned your room in awhile? do something that you haven't gotten to in awhile). And if you drive, don't use the car unless its something that would impact your family (ie, if they rely on you to drive a sibling to school or pick one up - still do that, but no friends in the car) Just see what happens. You may gain some self discipline
  15. Wonderful news for you!!!!!!! I suggest that you cut contact - because she is going into rehab and can't communicate with anyone -- it is a gift to you to not hear from her for awhile. And don't get back together - ever. There are healthy people out there for you to meet after a time of being single an figuring out who you are as a single person. Don't get rid of that investment property - let it create a nice little retirement nest egg for you or sell only when it makes financial sense.
  16. This is a work buddy that shares a love of reading. Reciprocate by telling her about a book you are finished with and ask if she would like to read it, if so, you will bring it for her. That is what i would do -- don't go out for coffee. See if it keeps going on the books for now.
  17. Thats not even fair. There are people that have a hard time letting eachother go and maybe see eachother periodically or sleep with eachother during that process either out of habit/comfort or because there is still something there. Its far from "casual" - it is part of the process. But he also participated. Its also not fair to decide if her sexual experiences were meaningful or meaningless. That's her business alone. I can't stand the "they should have sat around pining for me when we broke up" and if they tried to move on, the other person is punished. She will never get a fair shake again. This has been an extraordinary year. Because of the lockdowns, i don't blame people for sitting around and getting into a rut.
  18. I would just ignore all the goings on at work. Who cares if they are all sleeping with eachother. People also talk to everyone at work and just because a woman is talking to you does not mean she is interested. I would not make any other confessions to the boss on him not liking you. Maybe you should try to find a job at another place to have a fresh start where the boss doesn't have an opinion about you and you decide to not worry about what other people do. But you can try to do so at your current job in the meantime. you don't want to be someone known to be oversensitive about everything though or difficult because that could affect what shifts you get or promotions.
  19. Are you using the same email account that he knew to open these FB accounts? If you are, change it. People can find you if they have your email address. There used to be a setting where you could take yourself out of Google searches. Do not open his messages on messenger because then he can see you read them. And just ignore him. When you last communicated, were you clear that you did not want a relationship with him? If he tries to contact you outside of the internet, get a restraining order.
  20. The property is a red herring. A healthy partner would understand this investment was made well before then and would expect their partner would divest at the best time for their personal retirement or had no business saying boo about it until they were planning a long term financial future together. In another thread - she states that she and the ex have no social contact. the REAL ISSUE right now is the fact that this girlfriend is the worst thing for her -- she is volatile, emotionally manipulative and does not have her mental illness in any form of control - the OP is in danger of emotionally and mentally crumbling apart. If she gets rid of the property, it won't solve the problem.
  21. Thats what i said -- she should make a change on the property when its best for business purposes - but its not best to get rid of the property due to an abusive girlfriend, rather than due to the investment has reached the mutual financial goals or timeline of the parties involved, whether its a 5 year, 10 year or longer hold. If she gets rid of the property in a fire sale, or what she intended to hold as a long term investment, there will be something ELSE that this woman pressures her to get rid of or to cut off. There WILL be something else = it won't be good enough. She has been writing about this volatile girlfriend for three years. She needs to ditch the girlfriend and after some alone time needs to find someone who respects her, loves her and is HEALTHY
  22. Wrong answer. She bought this property before she met the girlfriend and was upfront about it. She doesn't talk to this ex on a social basis. What price does she have to pay staying with this toxic, mentally ill, abusive girlfriend?
  23. She is a very abusive person! Take that property off the market if it doesn't make sense to sell right now. Hold it for the long term like you intended if that is your intent, especially if its generating income, such as rent.
  24. You keep reframing this question differently hoping that we will tell you to stay with your girlfriend. She is making you feel crazy and making you question everything you do. It shows that you absolutely do not want to listen and are looking at away to justify the abuse. YES> its abuse. it doesn't matter if the other person is caluclating and deliberate or not. Its called "crazy making". This woman is unstable and you are even confused about what's up and down. If you live with her, suggest she moves in with family or something. you really need to get away from her and you are not seeing clearly at all. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you have been asking about the exact same scenario for a couple years now, right? If you have to, ask to move in with YOUR family or a friend who will hold you accountable when you feel like calling her or welcoming her back. You have got to rip the bandaid off.
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