Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

[Batya33]

In my case Bat, it was a new cool restaurant and I told my bf I had checked it out that day.

 

He asked who I went with and I told him.

 

No big deal, but I do typically like to share with my bf about my day.

 

Not every single minute, but I do like to share in that way. My choice.

 

He likes it too.

 

We can agree to disagree about the motivations of OP's husband, apparently I see things a bit differently than others, which is ok..

 

I would let it go this time but continue observing. Just me.

 

Oh of course- me too - same thing- what you describe is typically how couples interact. I just got from your post that if you had lunch with a male instead of a female you'd somehow feel you should tell him and that if you didn't it would be some sort of lie or inappropriate by omission. I wouldn't feel differently male or female -I do the same thing as you do.

[katrina1980]

 

I just got from your post that if you had lunch with a male instead of a female you'd somehow feel you should tell him and that if you didn't it would be some sort of lie or inappropriate by omission

 

 

No not at all. It would not have mattered if I had lunch (or went running) with a man or woman. He's very secure within himself and doesn't feel threatened by my friendships, with men or women.

 

Which is why I feel "safe" sharing the way I do, no matter who it is. I don't have many male friends though, just at work and when we get together, we mostly talk about legal cases and the like.

 

Remember my thread about me contacting my doctor ex when I was sick? I told him that too and he was actually happy I contacted him, cause he gave me the correct meds and helped me get better, when my own doctor could not.

[Batya33]

No not at all. It would not have mattered if I had lunch (or went running) with a man or woman. He's very secure within himself and doesn't feel threatened by my friendships, with men or women.

 

Which is why I feel "safe" sharing the way I do, no matter who it is. I don't have many male friends though, just at work and when we get together, we mostly talk about legal cases and the like.

 

Remember my thread about me contacting my doctor ex when I was sick? I told him that too and he was actually happy I contacted him, cause he gave me the correct meds and helped me get better, when my own doctor could not.

 

Yes I misread your first comments on that -sounded like you made a point of disclosure if the person is male. You and I are exactly the same on that count. I'm not a fan of sharing everything in the name of honesty if it's boring/could annoy the person, etc. So for example this morning I've been messaging with a man who may be single who is on one of my neighbor groups and is trying to organize group morning walks/coffee. 99.9% of the time if I message with a stranger on a group like that or Facebook it's a female -just how it turns out because of the groups I'm part of/what I typically message about with strangers. I wouldn't think to mention it to my husband unless i actually decide to join one of the group walks because he's busy/I'm busy, it's a nonevent for now. If I decide to join and he happens to ask for details I'll share at that time. I think it's about knowing your partner and knowing his boundaries/comfort level/what he likes to know about your day and then also your own comfort level/boundaries, etc. Whatever works.

[katrina1980]

Agree Bat.

[SherrySher]

Although I can see your point, Kat, this is what I find weird.

 

1.) He lied about seeing this woman, why do that unless he felt guilty? I know you say it's a bad judgement call, but it could very well mean he is more into this woman than he admits.

 

2.) Why specifically want to see her more than seeing your own wife on your anniversary? I am thinking most people would wake their significant other up with breakfast in bed or flowers or kisses. You wouldn't be wanting to go for a run with another woman.

And let's pretend there was no other woman...you mean, you can't hold off one day for a run when it's your anniversary?

 

3.) Many posters have suggested that OP and this woman meet, whether it's dinner with her and her spouse or what have you, but OP has not suggested that nor has her husband. That to me would be an obvious if the husband wants the wife to feel comfortable and to truly bring things to a friends only point.

The husband sounds like he has no intentions of having his wife meet this woman otherwise he would have mentioned it by now. To me that's questionable.

 

4.) He made excuses as to why he still needs to talk to this woman or text with her. He says..out of politeness. Yes, you can believe that if you want to but there still is a possibility that he likes her and wants to talk to her and doesn't want any doors shut.

He has made no efforts to show that he is going to slow down any contact with this woman at all.

Some might say that he doesn't need to, others might say it's only a matter of time until they end up in bed.

 

5.) Why is she so interested in contacting him? OP said that this woman constantly texts or wants to talk to her husband. That makes me raise my eyebrow too.

How usual is it for a married woman to be this interested in talking to a married man? Cause I would say it's not usual.

 

Truthfully, we are all guessing at this point. But I still find it odd due to what I wrote above.

[DancingFool]

Oh a heart shaped pizza and declaring his love on social media....well...then...yeah....

 

OP, you keep saying he is such a great man, but the more you post the less I see him that way. He lied to you and when he got caught, he accused you of being crazy. When that didn't work, he went to stronger measures - talking to your friends and family. Do you know what that is? Image management. Making himself look good while simultaneously making you look crazy....to your friends and family, to YOUR support network. That's not just image management, that's also isolating you and gaslighting you.

 

He keeps talking, OP, apologizing....but gosh he just doesn't know what to do to make things right with you....yeah right.... He is a grown man, yes? He knows good and well that the correct answer is to cut this woman out of his life. Guess what he is explicitly not offering to do? Exactly that. In fact, he is blowing more smoke up your rear how he just can't stop socializing with her because...work. Except that he doesn't socialize like that with anyone else from work, so it's not work.

 

You can't sleep at night because you recognize good and well all of the above. He isn't being straight with you and he isn't acting right and you know this deep down even if you can't quite admit this to yourself out loud....yet.... This isn't the time for you to roll over and accept the bs, it's a time for you to get tough and demand that marital boundaries are respected. Do not allow him to gaslight you further or lie to you further how it's work. Also, put an immediately end to family and friends getting involved and talking to him about your marriage issues. That's just another boundary crossed that shouldn't be crossed.

[Nickel Speed]

There is no reason he needs to text this woman in anything other than their runners group chat or on a professional level at work. My $0.02.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: If you are going to stay with your husband and try and make this work with him then suggest you stop reading your thread and work on that rather than read opinions of us people who are not in your shoes.

 

Frankly, if you respect your husband at all, then reading the dissing of him going on in this thread should be something you distance yourself from now. You've heard all sides. Up to you now whether or not you can forgive.

 

Your husband has tried to make things right with you. Some may call it manipulation, well it's also trying to make amends so don't lose sight of that or you'll never be able to forgive if you have a jaded attitude about apologies and apologetic actions.

[SherrySher]

Just be cautious and smart, please. Pay attention that what's going on around you and be strong enough to know when to tell your husband to knock if off with this woman.

[katrina1980]

Needless to say, I agree with Twt, but one last thought if you're still reading. Trying to see the positive side of things.

 

 

He was very apologetic and understood that if he didn’t understand the nature of their “friendship” and if he were in my shoes he would be very upset too.

 

The above indicates his capacity to empathize, put himself in your shoes and understand what you're feeling, why you were hurt.

 

This speaks volumes IMO. Not a lot of men are able to do this in my experience.

 

Here are the facts:

He clicked with this married woman at work and says he can talk to her like she’s a guy.

 

They only work together two days a week and really only see each other for 30 minutes during those two days when their whole team plays taboo during lunch.

 

Their texts are mainly about their games and back and forth of how his team should’ve won or her team. Him asking how her sick son is feeling and then a whooooole lot about running, comparing miles and some gifs and pictures of them at work activities. There are no kissie faces, xoxos, miss you. Basically just texts during work hours throughout the week, frequently but pretty harmless stuff but it is clear they have a bond and lots of inside jokes.

 

He went running again today with a real (male) friend this time who is also running the half marathon and I know he enjoys doing those 10 milers with someone.

 

He says that he didn’t think I would approve, understand and would be jealous and bring it up for years to come.

 

He said she is not bad looking but she’s not me, that there is zero attraction, just a friendship Bc she is outgoing and very nice and got him thinking about running this half marathon.

 

 

I respect everyone's opinion about him, but I see nothing manipulative re what's posted above. I also personally believe he's being truthful.

 

IF he ever called you "crazy" I missed that.

 

I suppose it's up to you. Do you really want this to be the hill your marriage dies on? Again, he did not cheat and there is zero evidence he ever wanted to cheat or ever thought about cheating. He sees her as one of the guys, and you can choose to believe him or not, your call.

 

Yes definitely a very bad judgment call, and you can choose to believe that too (or not), or spin all sorts of negatives and conclude he's a manipulating, lying dog whom you can't ever trust again.

 

Your call but before you take any drastic measures, I ask you to try and put things in perspective. The way some folks are reacting (and again no disrespect to anyone who has a different opinion from me) -- that he needs to cut this woman out of his life forever, a woman he works with, a friend he sees as one of the guys who enjoys running same as him - one would think you caught him in your bed having hot unbridled sex with her, instead a taking a simple run with her to train for a marathon.

 

That said, I do see Sherry's point too. Anything is possible and I could be very wrong about him. But until you discover some concrete evidence, I would advise again that you choose to forgive and trust that, moving forward, he has the best interests for your marriage at heart.

 

No one does things perfectly (I am referring to how he is attempting to make amends). There is no right way or wrong way, and tbh I thought the heart-shaped pizza idea was very cute!

 

He's trying very hard to make things up to you, perhaps clumsily according to some, but since you've said that up till now he's been a loving, devoted husband and great friend, again if me I would choose to forgive, trust that he has your marriage's best interest at heart, feels remorse at not being truthful, and continue observing.

 

Just my $.02 FWIW.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

[katrina1980]

Just be cautious and smart, please. Pay attention that what's going on around you and be strong enough to know when to tell your husband to knock if off with this woman.

 

Great advice and agree!!

[SherrySher]

Thanks, Kat.

[Glata]

I agree with all the above and appreciate all the different perspectives.

 

A lot of people were hung up on the fact that he got my stepmother and best friend involved “to get them on his side” but that was not the case. I accused him of being a liar, cheater and that I feel like I don’t even know him (complete shock when I first found out and knew nothing about the situation) then I left for work, ignored his messages and went out after with some friends. He panicked and explained the situation to them and told them that he feels awful and wanted to know what he should do to make me understand that there’s nothing going on. Apparently they both called him stupid and couldn’t understand why he would withhold that from me. Then they advised him to let me be until we can talk calmly about everything and I was ready to hear him out and be rational.

 

Neither one of them felt it was a huge deal that ends a marriage but they understand the deep disappointment I felt because of the lie.

 

He asked what I wanted him to do and honestly I don’t know. His suggestion was for him to not initiate contact about running or anything and just let her get the hint.

As someone mentioned in a post above, that’s something that he has to come up with because I will not be the wife who dictates and rules who can have contact with but I feel observe.

 

He let me know that she texted him on Thursday and showed me how it was about how bad he is at giving clues during their games and then she wished him a nice weekend and he did the same.

 

I told him I will not ask to check his phone because that’s not the kind of marriage I want so I’m happy he volunteers that information. He gave me a calendar of all future social events they’ll have through work (he generally wants me to come) and suggests I meet her and is convinced that would ease my concerns. He’s also asked me, before all of this, numerous times to be at the finish line for the half marathon for him so if they had this steamy thing going on , I doubt he would want me there.

 

Again, I’m not trying to sound naive and trust me, if there was anything in those texts indicating that it’s anything more than a coworker/running relationship things would be a lot different.

 

It’s still not sitting well with me but I’ll just take it day by day.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree with all the above and appreciate all the different perspectives.

 

A lot of people were hung up on the fact that he got my stepmother and best friend involved “to get them on his side” but that was not the case. I accused him of being a liar, cheater and that I feel like I don’t even know him (complete shock when I first found out and knew nothing about the situation) then I left for work, ignored his messages and went out after with some friends. He panicked and explained the situation to them and told them that he feels awful and wanted to know what he should do to make me understand that there’s nothing going on. Apparently they both called him stupid and couldn’t understand why he would withhold that from me. Then they advised him to let me be until we can talk calmly about everything and I was ready to hear him out and be rational.

 

Neither one of them felt it was a huge deal that ends a marriage but they understand the deep disappointment I felt because of the lie.

 

He asked what I wanted him to do and honestly I don’t know. His suggestion was for him to not initiate contact about running or anything and just let her get the hint.

As someone mentioned in a post above, that’s something that he has to come up with because I will not be the wife who dictates and rules who can have contact with but I feel observe.

 

He let me know that she texted him on Thursday and showed me how it was about how bad he is at giving clues during their games and then she wished him a nice weekend and he did the same.

 

I told him I will not ask to check his phone because that’s not the kind of marriage I want so I’m happy he volunteers that information. He gave me a calendar of all future social events they’ll have through work (he generally wants me to come) and suggests I meet her and is convinced that would ease my concerns. He’s also asked me, before all of this, numerous times to be at the finish line for the half marathon for him so if they had this steamy thing going on , I doubt he would want me there.

 

Again, I’m not trying to sound naive and trust me, if there was anything in those texts indicating that it’s anything more than a coworker/running relationship things would be a lot different.

 

It’s still not sitting well with me but I’ll just take it day by day.

Good luck. Hope you can put it all behind you and you are able to do so because his actions show you that you can. So far it looks as if they do and, you can.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't want to let her go and you don't want to let him go. Therefore he will hide it and edit things better and you will believe whatever he tells you. It works because you don't want to lose him and he wants you to feel ok with him being with her and advancing their relationship.

[SherrySher]

how bad he is at giving clues during their games and then she wished him a nice weekend

 

This woman annoys me. She is semi flirting with him. She doesn't need to be sending texts teasing him on how bad he is at clues.

Why doesn't she go flirt with her own husband?

 

I totally understand about not wanting to be a prison warden, no one would want to live that way.

All you can do is keep an eye out.

 

But be cautious too, as wiseman said, he can hide and edit things if he wants to.

 

I hope things are on the up and up, and that this woman starts to fade away into the background.

 

But only time will tell.

[abitbroken]

A lot of people were hung up on the fact that he got my stepmother and best friend involved “to get them on his side” but that was not the case. I accused him of being a liar, cheater and that I feel like I don’t even know him (complete shock when I first found out and knew nothing about the situation) then I left for work, ignored his messages and went out after with some friends. He panicked and explained the situation to them and told them that he feels awful and wanted to know what he should do to make me understand that there’s nothing going on. Apparently they both called him stupid and couldn’t understand why he would withhold that from me. Then they advised him to let me be until we can talk calmly about everything and I was ready to hear him out and be rational.

 

The fact that EITHER of you got the family involved is triangulation. If he felt awful, his job was to direct himself towards you, not them just hoping it would get back to you or they would intervene, and if they asked you for a response "its between me and (husband's name)" or "I wish i could chat, but i am running out of the door for work" and don't address it.

[ThatwasThen]

SMH: (and in my opinion) His "job" is to do what he can to make things right with her and if that meant that he went to her family to ask for advice then so be it. He did go to the OP originally to try and resolve and she wasn't open to his attempts.

 

He doesn't want to let her go and you don't want to let him go. Therefore he will hide it and edit things better and you will believe whatever he tells you. It works because you don't want to lose him and he wants you to feel ok with him being with her and advancing their relationship.

 

With all due respect... None of us "know" he will do any of the things many are accusing him of.

 

It's these kinds of posts that will more likely then not have you paranoid unnecessarily, Op.

 

I hope you can just go by your husbands apparent devotion to YOU, his contrition over the lie and his attempts at making things right with you as you go forward with him.

[Glata]

SMH: (and in my opinion) His "job" is to do what he can to make things right with her and if that meant that he went to her family to ask for advice then so be it. He did go to the OP originally to try and resolve and she wasn't open to his attempts.

 

 

 

With all due respect... None of us "know" he will do any of the things many are accusing him of.

 

It's these kinds of posts that will more likely then not have you paranoid unnecessarily, Op.

 

I hope you can just go by your husbands apparent devotion to YOU, his contrition over the lie and his attempts at making things right with you as you go forward with him.

 

I know. You are so right. I came home to a steak dinner tonight and he casually worked into the dinner convo that she texted today and offered to show. I told him I appreciate him not making me ask and told him I didn’t want to see. She just apologized for missing the game because her and her husband had to take their son to a doctors appointment and asked how his pace was for his last run.

 

Although of course I don’t love that she wants to keep contact going (she obviously sees it as no big deal as well) I’ll chalk it up as just that for now I guess.

 

He’s always been a devoted husband, not just since I found out they went for a run so we will see what happens. I do want to be able to give him the benefit of a doubt.

 

This was our first major fight in 9 years where I accused him of something that was so unthinkable to him so the fact that he reached out to those closest to me does not bother me.

[abitbroken]

I know. You are so right. I came home to a steak dinner tonight and he casually worked into the dinner convo that she texted today and offered to show. I told him I appreciate him not making me ask and told him I didn’t want to see. She just apologized for missing the game because her and her husband had to take their son to a doctors appointment and asked how his pace was for his last run.

 

Although of course I don’t love that she wants to keep contact going (she obviously sees it as no big deal as well) I’ll chalk it up as just that for now I guess.

 

He’s always been a devoted husband, not just since I found out they went for a run so we will see what happens. I do want to be able to give him the benefit of a doubt.

 

This was our first major fight in 9 years where I accused him of something that was so unthinkable to him so the fact that he reached out to those closest to me does not bother me.

 

NICE. so he thinks a steak dinner butters you up for the news that she texted him again? Keep a close eye on when he "goes back to the old routine" and there are no steak dinners . To me it seems he is upset that he got caught -- rather than realizing its actually wrong

[ThatwasThen]

Its very nice that he cooks for you. Lots of men (especially those in my age group) don't do much cooking. :)

 

This was our first major fight in 9 years where I accused him of something that was so unthinkable to him so the fact that he reached out to those closest to me does not bother me.

Good on you, Glata.

[SherrySher]

I really don't know why this woman feels the need to stay close to your husband like this.

 

You know what would be much better? If she just backed off. She doesn't need to be telling your husband where she was and why.

Friends don't do that, especially not married ones.

 

It is a weird situation now, honestly. He keeps making you these dinners, only to drop the bomb once again that she is texting instead of just telling her enough is enough.

 

Yeah, you could call it "just friends" but I am honestly getting a vibe that it's more. Maybe not on his side (or maybe, who knows) but definitely on her side.

She likes your husband, she likes staying closer to him.

 

He on the other hand doesn't want to say no to her.

 

You do need to keep an eye on this even if others tell you that you don't.

[Batya33]

I really don't know why this woman feels the need to stay close to your husband like this.

 

You know what would be much better? If she just backed off. She doesn't need to be telling your husband where she was and why.

Friends don't do that, especially not married ones.

 

It is a weird situation now, honestly. He keeps making you these dinners, only to drop the bomb once again that she is texting instead of just telling her enough is enough.

 

Yeah, you could call it "just friends" but I am honestly getting a vibe that it's more. Maybe not on his side (or maybe, who knows) but definitely on her side.

She likes your husband, she likes staying closer to him.

 

He on the other hand doesn't want to say no to her.

 

You do need to keep an eye on this even if others tell you that you don't.

 

I agree- I am all for male-female friendships and wouldn't dream of asking my husband to end a close platonic friendship unless she was not supportive of our marriage or similar. But this woman is a running partner at most -not a close friend -and her type of contact is way too familiar and personal.

 

Last year I met a really nice guy and his son -our sons played together at a kids' activity. And his mother was there but not his wife. We have a lot in common -more than I have in common with his wife. And when we discussed having our kids get together and he gave me his contact info I looked up his wife on Facebook, messaged her about what a lovely time our children had playing together (and that I enjoyed meeting "her family") and from then on she has been my point of contact. I've seen him on his own when she can't make it when our kids meet up -once maybe. But I never text him, I make plans through her, and she and I have become close -we now are good friends. Truthfully- I still have more in common with and click more platonically with her husband but in this situation it's more important to me to appear and behave appropriately -why take the risk of it looking wrong?

 

That's why by comparison I'm not comfortable with this woman's behavior or the way your husband brought it up.

[IamPoetic]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and today was our second wedding anniversary.

 

He is a teacher and works with mostly women (older and married with kids). He is a friendly guy and loved by all but as of recent has had a friendship with a teacher who is also married with two kids but young and somewhat attractive.

 

They text each other about running (they are both runners and are training for a half marathon) and funny gifs back and forth.

 

Last weekend they attended a work party at a bar and he actually drank and was out late (something that he doesn’t usually enjoy)

 

He left early on our anniversary to go for a 10 mile run at a park 30 minutes away and through a mutual friend who saw him I found out he actually ran with this woman.

 

When I asked him if he ran alone he said yes..then after further questions he admitted he did meet up to run with her and they’ve planned this all week.

 

I am dumbfounded because he has Never been untruthful and can honestly say he is a very good man who would not cheat.

 

Am I right for being angry and disgusted that he a) lied and b) has this weird friendship?

 

He gave me his phone immediately, saying I am crazy and let me see all their texts which were not flirty, mainly about running and being partners at a staff game they play at school and a lot of inside jokes.

 

Am I crazy or is that not crossing the line?

 

He picked the day of your anniversary to leave early to go run with another woman and then lied in your face about it. Not speculating that he's cheating, but I'm concerned about his poor judgment.

[East4]

Well, this is how emotional affairs start-by clicking with another woman over some activity, excessive texting first relating to the activity, but then increasingly personal. I think the husband is playing with fire. Because the definition of emotional affair is "any activity with a member of the opposite sex that diverges a partner's energy from the marriage". And he is doing exactly this. And the hurt feelings of his wife do not seem to matter to him. Instead he is trying to turn the tables on his wife and picture her like the crazy one. While clearly the husband is in the wrong-he lied about meeting this other woman and I could understand why his wife is losing trust in him, even for this fact alone. If he had nothing to hide, then why did he lie?

 

Men are stupid like that thinking that if there's no physical contact, then there's no cheating. Actually, the cheating starts at the moment one gets to think about another woman, look forward to see her, talk to her and do activities alone with her. Like he does. Once the mind of a man in captivated by another woman, the body could only follow. And when the body follows and gives into the desire-then it is too late.

 

It seems the husband has a problem to admit even to himself that he is actually attracted to the other woman, and honestly I find it very manipulative of him to go talk to your wife's parents, post on FB and even post on this forum (he did, but the thread was deleted); to profess how squeaky clean he is in this ordeal, absolutely innocent, while it is a matter of fact that he tried to hid his little escapade on the day of their marriage anniversary. Who is he thinking he is fooling? He is in desperate need to fool others to keep his image intact, but most importantly he is in dare need to fool himself, because he cannot accept the fact that he is engaging in dishonourable behaviour (emotional affair). In my country we have a slightly cynical saying about the false saints: “he wants to have his d**k in the pu**y and his soul in heaven”. Well, in a nutshell this is what has been going on-a hypocritical husband with selfish needs, who cannot accept that he’s been selfish.

 

It is very telling that he refuses to cut contact with this other woman, under the pretext that it would look awkward. He finds all sorts of excuses to keep replying to her texts. This is not because he is apprehensive of being rude, but because he enjoys her contact and he wants to keep this emotional affair simmering. If he were indeed a decent husband and a caring man to his wife, it wouldn't bother him at all to send to the other woman a short text, something along the lines: "our texting is disturbing my family life and it would be better if we stop texting. I'll not text you again, please do not contact me, unless it is strictly work related. Thank you for your understanding."

 

If he really loved his wife and respected his marriage, he wouldn't have had any problem to cut contact with this other woman.

 

If he keeps doing what he's doing, my prediction is that we are going to hear from him soon, either in the "Infidelity" section, and/or in the "Divorce".