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Everything posted by DancingFool

  1. When you look at everything all at once, sure it will be paralyzing. So don't. Instead focus on one small thing you can do today, right now, to start heading in the right direction. Sign up for Uber and go through those steps. Once you are on, go do that first ride, first customer. Then just keep going. Start looking for jobs and again, adjust your resume and apply and keep applying and adjust things if you are not getting results. Focus on that one task in front of you and each day, you'll get closer to pulling yourself out of the problems. Not saying it's easy, but it's doable if you just take it one task at a time and get it done.
  2. I think you were right from the get go that you were not ready for a relationship and were never in a good space for that and still aren't. Having a woman chase you might have been flattering in the moment, but ultimately you are still where you were before - not in a place for relationships of any kind. So her walking away might not feel good and you might miss the attention, but really....it frees you to focus on what you need - yourself and getting your life back on track. Focusing on her is really a form of avoidance in terms of dealing with things you really need to deal with and it's not going to help you any, just drag you down more. If I was facing imminent eviction due to $15K in rent money I don't have, I'd be working a second and even a third job rather than wasting my time in bars or worrying about dating. I don't care if I'm driving for Uber or working night shift at Taco Bell or both. If that seems beneath you, consider how it will be when your stuff is being tossed into a dumpster by your ex landlord, when you can't rent a decent place because you have an eviction on your record and so on. Forget dating, bars, and drinking. This is where your survival instincts need to start kicking in and you need to take care of you.
  3. He isn't being nice though is he? He is quite literally looking for the right button to push to get you to react/respond. Don't be surprised if at some point you get some frantic text about how either he or his daughter is in the hospital and he neeeeds your help like right now and you are so special, you are the only one he can turn to in such a time of need and please please help him. Roll your eyes, delete and block. Also, threats of suicide come up often. Again, block and delete. If you know where he is, call authorities to deal with him. Understand that these types of people will go to extreme lengths to regain control over you, especially when you were the one to break away from them and leave. This is also why changing your number is a good idea even if it's difficult. Either way, brace yourself because he will escalate this and you will have to stay firm and keep on blocking and ignoring no matter what he throws at you.
  4. OK....first of all abusers do not change ever. This hope that he will one day change is what keeps people stuck in toxic relationships and it is quite literally dangerous to your health and well being. Somehow you really do need to disabuse yourself of this hope, this idea that an abuser will magically turn into a good person. It doesn't happen. As for why he is reaching out like this? Simple - if he keeps doing it, either you'll fool yourself into thinking that this is what love and caring looks like, so you will return for more beatings OR he'll catch you in a vulnerable moment and you'll come back for more beatings. He KNOWS that you are easy to manipulate and victimize, the rest is just patience and perseverance. Much like a lion stalking a prey. The fact that you are sitting here going....well....maybe...should I....gosh what does this mean.... says a lot about how vulnerable you currently are to more abuse. You still haven't fully accepted that that man is a violent, dangerous monster who will beat you some more if you go back. Please do not respond and block that number. Put down that hope pipe, because if you keep sucking on it....you will become a statistic.
  5. Please please don't do or say anything like that. Chill out. First of all, you didn't blow anything. Telling someone that you'll miss them while they are gone is normal, also endearing. It's seeking to take it back, apologizing for it and making it all weird and awkward that you don't want to get into. It's not wrong how you feel and it's not bad to express that. So for the love of....stop being so harsh and critical of yourself and then start freaking out and taking it all back. You said it, you meant it, stand by that. When you guys chat, be normal, upbeat (not fake) just ask her about her trip, DO something with your time so you have something to share even if it's "I saw this cool thing on Netflix". It doesn't matter really so long as you are not sitting around pining and apologizing for nothing. Secondly, do get off your arse and make yourself get out and do whatever you need to do or catch up with - haircut, shopping, errands, meet up with friends, get your oil change or your house cleaned. It doesn't have to be fancy stuff, but get busy and get it done so you have something else to focus on besides beating yourself up over nothing.
  6. First of.....please do not try to be friends with such a recent ex. No, it's not nice what he is doing. In fact, it's downright callous. How do you not recognize that? Something you should analyze about yourself. Second, the reason I'm asking the questions I did previously is because I'm trying to get you to see something that is important - right from the get go, neither you nor him were all that into each other. It was more of "nothing better or no better options" type of a situation. You should have paid attention to your own feelings of uncertainty and confusion because your gut was trying to tell you something - walk away. Instead, you chose to go along until you finally got attached through sheer passage of time and your own effort into forcing this to work (and his too - forced attempts to make it work). You were both stuck on "this should be a good thing on paper" while completely ignoring the actual lack of feelings and chemistry. Look, healthy happy relationships are never this much work and are not confusing at all. In fact, I know I met the right guy precisely because I don't feel confused, scared, uncomfortable or otherwise find myself questioning what's going on. It's steady, it's clear, it feels safe....but most of all...EASY. It just flows. We get each other naturally and intuitively. There is no over the top love bombing, but also no coldness or weirdness about it and no games. It's just normal and secure for lack of a better word. When you find yourself confused, it's not your clue to keep going and "make" him like you, it's your clue to walk away. I really hope that ultimately you do wrap your mind around that.
  7. My point is that his so called apology is really just manipulative crocodile tears. Also, you have nothing to feel humiliated about. Your expectations that a man you've been dating for a year would communicate with you like a normal person were.....well....normal. It's his behavior that was insane, but also calculated. He knew what he was doing when he drove off. He also very much drove you to that point by his behavior. Do not feel bad for acting/reacting normally to a crazy situation and never ever blame yourself for someone who intentionally drives you to react a certain way. It's called gaslighting - making you feel or act crazy through their calculated actions. Going forward though......look back and be sure that you understand all the red flags so you don't repeat this with someone else.
  8. Oh for the love of....please tell me that you are not this naive anymore. He KNEW what he was doing and I would bet you money that had you gone up to the door and rang the doorbell, you'd have been confronted with one very shocked woman. You would have found that you and her both were being duped by the same cheating, lying, disordered creep. He drove off like that because explaining why a woman just go into his car would be really hard to do to his live in SO, OP. Please please block and delete this creep from your life forever. Also, please adjust how you think about things and how you react to and read life. Always placing blame on yourself for other people's trash behavior will continue to land in these types of situations - oblivious side chick to a cheating creep. I mean really.....in an entire year you've only been to his place once? Come on....even with kids as an excuse that STILL doesn't fly. Get your head out of the proverbial sand and get a little angry with yourself for being so naive and let that drive you into becoming little more street wise going forward.
  9. Dude, you are asking her to move in with you. You are actively looking to build toward marriage and kids and a future together and are supporting that with actions. Meanwhile, she is accusing you of being just pals and just in it because you are lonely and bored. Does that make any sense to you? Looking in from the outside and without a pony in this race, this woman seems to have some very serious psychological/emotional issues. Nothing that you can fix or help her with and something that, I'm afraid, you are rather oblivious to and dangerously so. This is not a relationship you cling to or the kind of a woman you choose to have a family with. This is the kind of a person where you pay attention to the red flags slapping you in the face and walk away from....or rather run for the hills as fast as you can. In your own way, you seem stubbornly...and rather ironically, given her accusations....fixated on the future you want which is marriage and kids....but really, you need to step back and think who it is you want that with. This woman has some serious issues. Think about it....she is 37 years old, but her mother has this much influence and say in her life and relationships that the fact you weren't pawing her ends the relationship? Does that sound sane to you? Hint: looking from the outside it is nuts.
  10. Nothing wrong with doing as you wish. My dogs have free range of the house and furniture. Some people are good with that, others are not. Your personal choice really. That said, small pups can jump up but they can also hurt themselves doing it. So that's why a ramp or mini stairs are a good idea to use for them so they can come and go as they please, be with you and part of the fam on the couch, but also be safe. It will be even more important that they know how to use that as they get older and become not so athletic.
  11. Does it occur to that she may be projecting to you how she actually feels? Meaning that she is accusing you of what she is actually doing to you, like only dating you for lack of better options or because she is lonely at the moment......
  12. That's good to hear. 🙂 Just be patient and realize that it can take some time to get rid of the habit of jumping and mistakes will happen. Just stay steady, persistent and no excitement (frustrations is excitement, btw). So deep breath, you calm first, then address the pup. If he goes flying onto the couch, put him back on the ground calmly and ask him to use the little ramp and reward him for doing it. Calm pat or treat, whatever works for your dog. For a dog to be quiet, you have to be calm and quiet first and last. 🙂 If you stay consistent, he'll have the new habit in no time. They are super smart dogs.
  13. Sometimes it's not the other guys who were bad, it's her who is the common denominator and I think you are experiencing that. Her behavior is exceedingly toxic and immature for a woman her age. Reading your post, I keep thinking she is barely 20 and in her first relationship and not 37. This is who she is. I would take a bit step back and ask yourself why do you want to be with someone who seems so unstable. Also, on/off relationships are a good indication that the two people are incompatible. Btw, no, it is not normal to break up, make up or do a silent treatment for days while in a relationship or any kind of silent treatment at all. You should not tolerate that kind of behavior, let alone rationalize this as normal or OK somehow. It is not. Rather than waiting on her, I think you need to start thinking more for yourself and if this is really acceptable to you and maybe make your own decision that this isn't working and let this go. Expect better than this and walk away from people who are emotionally unstable. Her accusations of you are rather offensive, don't you think?
  14. A small dog cannot jump slowly onto a couch. They need to get some speed up to make it up there and yes, he probably doesn't see what he is jumping on top of that's already on the couch. One way to retrain that is get a step ladder or a ramp so he can walk up slowly and see where he is going. Show him a couple of times how to use that, BUT do not use any kind of excitement. Be very very calm and quiet. He shouldn't associate going on the couch with excitement, but rather with relaxation. Second thing is never drag the dog away from something and into "his place". His place or doggy bed should be a place of reward and pleasure and never associated with punishment for being bad about something. So if he jumps on the couch uninvited, a firm no, place him on the ground and then ask him to do something for you like a sit or a down, give him a reward for it - treat or praise. Associate being off the couch as a positive. Finally, terriers are super high energy dogs that need a ton of exercise. So be sure that you give him a chance every single day to expend that energy outside by actively playing with him and exercising him properly. A happy dog is a tired dog. An unhappy dog with too much energy to burn will run, tear things, and ultimately hurt himself as well as others around him. Terriers are also working dogs - meaning training is critical to his mental health - so sit, heel, down, do tricks, go fetch things, anything to stimulate his mind is just as important as physical exercise itself. Working with a local trainer might be a good idea rather diy off the internet.
  15. What about your interest? What made a cold, bored guy interesting to you? Or were you just going along because he was asking? You seem very focused on making a relationship work and making the person like you and that's really unhealthy kind of thinking that will attract the wrong types of people to you. Even now, your full on fixation is what could you have done to make him love you. You can't make people love you, OP. It doesn't work like that.
  16. Can only reiterate what I said in your previous post - this guy has been manipulating you from day one and yes, love bombing you and pretending for months to be how you want him to be is a huge part of manipulation. Consider also, that while you invited him fully into your life and home, he did no such thing with you. You've only been to his place once in a year? How did that not strike you as very off even with kids as an excuse? OP, after a year, you have every right to expect your SO to communicate daily or at the very least to acknowledge your texts even if it's just "sorry very busy can't talk right now." Going completely awol is not normal behavior. As for you showing up at his house and him taking off in the car like that.....that's the actions of someone who is hiding something and panicked completely. Actions of a cheater leading a double life, not of "oh it's for the kids". He could have killed you and not just left you shocked and bruised. I really hope this is enough for you to get your head out of the sand and never speak to him again. More importantly, I hope that you remove the rose colored glasses and start recognizing all the red flags you've missed about this so you don't get caught up like this again with another love bombing creep.
  17. ....I think your first gut reaction to him of "Nope" was correct.......
  18. OP, you seem to be stuck on this tunnel vision - very fixated on what you want, who you want, how you want and you are completely ignoring who she is and the fact that she is not and has never been fully on board or able to give you what you want or be who you want her to be. After 18 months, YOU were ready for marriage and yet she was very clear that she is not on the same page as you. Why do you keep ignoring her very clear message to you and her needs and decisions? Even after she dumped you, a pretty drastic move on her part, you are still ignoring HER message to you. Why is that? She is not a possession or a trophy you win if you get fit, stop drinking, etc.....do you even get that?
  19. Misty, it's not that he doesn't see or doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care. You are way too deep in denial about that and as long as you keep telling yourself that he just doesn't understand, it justifies staying with a cheater. Stop it. You deserve so much better than wasting your time and life on a cheating loser.
  20. You keep explaining to a grown man that cheating is wrong like he doesn't know that? Come on now..... he knows what he is doing and he is so brazen and in your face about it, it's almost crazy in its own right. Then again, what's your response to that? Whine a little. Lecture him a bit. Then you stay and stay, right? So, it's clearly all acceptable to you. If it wasn't, you'd have dumped this loser ages ago. Make up your mind OP. Either cheating is OK with you or it's not. If OK, then stop lecturing and whining about it and make sure you use protection, as in condoms, and get checked for all STD's regularly. If it's not OK, then tell him to pack his stuff and gtfo your life for good. There is no middle ground here, just one or the other.
  21. Good grief, it's shocking to read how much abuse you are putting up with and for what? Do you not understand that his accusations, making you feel terrible about yourself, telling you that you smell is all pure abuse. He is saying these things because he knows it will hurt you and affect you and he likes it. He is sadistic! Why do you put up with abuse and think that's love? Please remove him from your life with extreme prejudice and never ever speak to him again no matter what bs he pulls on you trying to reach you. What he does is not love or caring, it's sadistic control games. Block, delete from everything. If he shows up on your doorstep demanding attention, don't open the door, call the cops. Never ever speak to him again. Never. Also, please find a good therapist who actually specializes in dealing with victims of narcissistic abuse and get help for yourself. In some part, you have a very unhealthy understanding of how relationships should be and what love looks like and that needs to be fixed. In other ways, this psycho creep did a lot of damage to you and that also needs fixing and healing. Please do not date until you get yourself sorted out and know right from wrong again so you don't fall into another abusive relationship.
  22. Was he expecting more? Probably. Describing a beautiful beach and then asking you to join him there has more romantic undertones than just casual nothing much, imho. Even if he didn't want more, you agreed and then never followed up one way or the other. Some people will think that's rude and be more sensitive about that than others. If you are not looking to get involved, probably best to leave him alone for a bit to get over it. Also, if he was only being friendly because he had ulterior motives, don't expect him to warm up and be friendly again. It was fake friendliness with a goal in mind and since it failed, he is not likely to want to waste the effort going forward.
  23. OP, she is mentally ill and this is never ever going to change or get better. Dating someone who is bipolar is signing up for a roller coaster ride and that is what you've been living. It is not going to change but will get worse with age and yes, it will affect your own mental health dealing with all the issues, highs, lows, ups/downs, paranoid accusations, walking on eggshells, controlling behaviors, manipulative behaviors, and so on. This includes the fact that she will do what she has done - go on and off meds because deep down she doesn't like to feel "flat". Very very few people have the absolute self discipline, self awareness and control to stay on meds and follow 100% through on their therapy and treatments in order to control their illness and she has proven to you that she is not one of those people. If you've done some research, then you already know the answer - you don't deal, you walk away. At some point you will need to decide between clinging on to this relationship and your own mental and, eventually, physical health. Make no mistake that the stress will affect your physical health in the long run as well.
  24. Do not ever lose your cool and your professionalism. Especially when your expertise is a small niche area. People will always remember how you handled yourself and when you come across them again, it will pay you dividends, whether you need a reference, or end up working with them again in another company, or they may remember you and recommend you for a job opening. Engaging with a crazy coworker is a bit like wrestling with pigs - you'll both get muddy, but only one of you will enjoy it. Don't do it. Besides, people like her actually want you to react. She gets off on it, so don't give her the satisfaction. Let her dig her own grave. Overall, who cares what she is doing? If she finds any errors? Good. You'll correct them. "Thank you for the catch. Will correct it." She gets verbally abusive - again, calm as a rock, "will do." Do not engage in her games. Don't get emotionally involved with your work.
  25. Too funny I was just thinking exactly that - needs flowers. 🙂 Very nice home and looks like a nice lot too with some space around it. So excited for you.
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