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Everything posted by DancingFool

  1. I think you already know the answer - divorce. She can't fix her lack of a sex drive and you should not live a celibate life. Marriage is more than just being friends and having fun doing stuff together. Friendship is one part of the marriage, but the other critical part is intimacy. On a side note, being cold when it comes to affection is more of a personality trait rather than menopause. Also, most women in your age bracket tend to have an increased sex drive rather than decreased. In other words, rather than trying to blame menopause consider that you married the wrong person to begin with. It seems like you were in a rush to plug the void your previous wife left behind and didn't take your time at all to get to know who you were marrying. If your wife passed away in 2004 and you married again in 2005, unless you were cheating on your ill wife, then you married a practical stranger and you are now living with the consequences of that. Time to put an end to that and also, don't jump into another marriage like your life is on fire. Date, get to know someone for at least a couple of years before you even think about marriage. Be sure you actually know who the person is and what they are really like.
  2. ^This exactly. You have a life and stress too and you didn't behave like a jerk. I'm so glad that you are realizing this because just like you are capable of doing right by your partner regardless of other stresses in life, so are others. Maybe when in doubt ask yourself how you would act and react and look for a partner who is more like you in that respect. You wouldn't become abusive and you should never tolerate that again from anyone.
  3. You guys are very very young and the reality is that in your early 20's people go through a great deal of rapid changes as you figure out who you are as an adult. What she is telling you is that she is changing, outgrowing this relationship, and deep down increasingly craving to spread her wings and experience life outside of this relationship. It doesn't mean that she suddenly stopped loving you, but.....she is no longer committed to it in the long run. While that hurts, the best thing you can do is set her free. The less messy the break up now, the better the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future if your paths cross and you both decide you want to. Keep in mind that you might not want to by then because you have also grown, changed, moved on, etc. The person you meet when you are still teens is almost never the person you'll spend your life with. Don't focus on extraordinarily rare exceptions, assume that your life will follow the rule and embrace that. You are also super young and have some exploring to do of your own. So rather than let this make you ill while she drags her feet detaching slowly - make the decision and let her go now. Rip off that bandaid.
  4. I think this relationship is a bundle of harsh lessons you needed to learn so you can figure out how to choose a loving and caring partner in the future. Liars exist and since you are a kind and giving person, you'll attract a lot of liars and users and manipulators. It's on you to develop healthy boundaries and learn to recognize bs and run from that instead of running toward it. For example, when I hear future talk, my bs meter goes off the charts. It may be cute sometimes, but overall, I never buy it and instead watch the guy's actions and character. Basically, I observe the present. How a guy is treating you right now is what matters. Early on, everyone puts their best foot forward, so looking back on how it was when you met is pointless. Future talk is bs. Right now, today if the guy is not treating you well, is being abusive, or selfish, or a user, or all of the above - you are looking at his true face and it will never change. If you don't like what you are seeing, dump him immediately and never look back. I have a personal rule that once you break up, it's over as in permanent. It will save you a lot of grief and toxic on/off games. It doesn't matter how much he begs you or tells you it was a mistake - he showed you his temper and again, pay attention and walk away. Someone who comes on hot and heavy chasing is another red flag. It's not an indication of love, it's games. Healthy people look for and focus on reciprocation where neither person is the mule pulling the whole cart by themselves. He does things for you, you for him - there is overall consistency. Also, as someone else pointed out - in a good relationship you will never beg, plead, cajole, bargain and so on for your partner to meet at least some of your needs. You will meet each other's needs because you both give and compromise and accommodate each other naturally. Note - BOTH consistently so. Basically, if a guy isn't treating you well every day, don't stick around and waste your time and don't make excuses for why he isn't doing it. Decent people are decent all the time and that's the biggest lesson I hope you take away from this.
  5. OP, you need to start wrapping your head around the fact that he broke up with you because he was never that into you in the first place. If he was in love with you, he'd have figured out his time. The above quote is particularly disturbing because you are full of excuses for him, when you are the one who should have dumped him the very first time he acted like that. When you are choosing a partner, do learn to pay attention to how they act when they are stressed because that's their true colors coming out and this guy was abusive. That stuff doesn't get better, it only gets worse and life stress never goes away. It sounds to me like you got caught up hard in future talk and dreams of marriage and this idea that if only you suffer and stick it out, that magically your relationship will become good. No, nope, nope. Once he gets his PhD, then it will be work search stress. Then it will be job stress, project stress....and you'll always be pushed to the side and used as a punching bag. There is no better and there is no if only this passes or that passes because there is always another stress around the corner. Your relationship wasn't good, at times he was abusive with you, and he was never going to meet your needs. You need to open your eyes to this and let this go and also learn, so you don't cling on to another dbag in the future. Please take talk of marriage with a grain of salt and actually pay attention to how your relationship is today because what you see and how you are being treated today is ALL you will ever get. If it's not good right now, it's not going to be good later.
  6. Ever heard of buyer's remorse? Wanted to buy that house but once bought, some people can suddenly become overwhelmed with all kinds of doubts if it was the right decision....and then they get over it. Sometimes dumpers can experience the same thing - it's not that he doesn't know what he wants, it's now that he's done what he wants, he has some doubts. Thing is that the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is get caught up in being his emotional tampon and crutch about that. It won't make him miss you, respect you, or want you back. He will appreciate you helping him get over you though. Put it in perspective - he didn't reach out to you. He only vomited his doubts all over you after you contacted him. Stop it and don't ever do that again. As others said, make it clear to him that he can contact you only if he is 100% certain he wants the relationship with you back and then you will consider if you still do too or not. Anything less and you both need to be no contact and healing.
  7. ^This is exactly the first thought that came to my mind. Yes absolutely he is trying hard to gain complete control over you. Having a baby will trap you so you can kiss school goodbye as you will need to raise the child. You will become financially dependent on this creep and also removed away from your family and support system. I can pretty much guarantee you that he will quickly find reasons to move and keep moving around so you cannot complete your education, cannot establish any friendships or support for yourself and that your life revolves around him and what he wants on his terms as he will control every aspect of your life. I mean he is telling you bluntly and directly that he wants you to live on his terms and jump when he tells you to jump and ask how high. He doesn't want a wife or a gf, he actually wants a slave, OP. Yes, it's that bad. Please stop trying to find excuses for his psycho behavior, listen to your therapist, and dump this creep. This is how abusive relationships begin - excusing psycho behavior and going along until you go so far you can't get out anymore. Also, absolutely stop sleeping with him and be sure he cannot access your BC and mess with it. I wouldn't put it that past him if he realizes that he is losing his grip on you and decides to trap you a little faster with a "whoopsie".
  8. So his daughter is an adult and wants to have a big family Christmas party with everyone at her place. This isn't about spending time with the ex, this is about his daughter who considers you part of the family inviting you as such. Yes, I think you are being selfish if you decline to attend because you are snubbing his daughter quite directly and creating drama about nothing. When you are in a relationship, there will be times where you have to suck it up and deal with their family. It's part of the package. This is one of those times where you need to suck it up. Snubbing his daughter's party can potentially lead to long term issues for you.
  9. When someone breaks your trust, especially by cheating, checking and verifying what they are doing is sensible. So no, you are not acting like a psychopath for checking up on what's going on with him. Your intuition was spot on. Where you went wrong is marrying this guy and if I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer to see if you can get an annulment asap. Like today because time is ticking on that. Please do not use his daughter as an excuse to stick around. She has her parents and her life and will continue to live her life whether you are a part of that or not. As for why cheaters do what they do? Because it's thrilling. It's not about what the side chic offers, it's about the act of sneaking around and fooling you and her both. You are both useful dupes and he feels powerful using and manipulating you both.
  10. You are barely three months in. What do you find attractive about this kind of drama, snooping, setting traps and so on? If you can't trust the guy, then dump him and move on. Find a man you can trust and feel safe with. Why are you clinging to such toxicity? I don't even know if you like him or you just like the adrenaline rush you are getting out of these games.
  11. If she is struggling to find a comfortable position, if she is howling when she pees, she is in more pain than you can imagine. Keep in mind that animals can be extremely stoic and will be silent as long as they can bear it. She cannot bear the pain, it's that bad. Selfishness in this case is keeping her alive because you don't want to let go for your own emotional reasons. Kindness is stopping her suffering and letting her go asap.
  12. This is truly the kindest thing you can do for her. I'm so sorry and I know how hard this is. Big hugs to you.
  13. Personally, I think it's about understanding who you actually are and figuring out what makes you specifically happy. I've noticed a lot of people who say they are unhappy are very fixated on looking at other people's lives and what they have and then feeling down for not having those things. Essentially engaging in a competition without ever stopping to ask what it is they personally want. What do you love? What do you enjoy doing? What interests do you have? What do you want to have in terms of lifestyle? If you can't answer these questions easily or the answers are "I don't know or don't have any", then you need to start with that. Figure it out. Don't look at others and what they do, but figure out for yourself what it is YOU want and enjoy. Once you figure out what you actually want, then you can work out how to get it and the entire journey is what brings lasting satisfaction. Just keep in mind that it's not about what society wants, what your parents or partners want, what others have - it's about YOU.
  14. Is it time to end things? Yes. In fact long past due for you to stop wasting your time and life on him as this relationship is thoroughly dead and over. If he is truly suffering from depression and isn't willing to see a doctor and do something about it, then there is nothing that you can do to help him other than actually walk away. You can be supportive with a partner who is working hard on themselves and trying to get back to normal, but nothing you can do with someone who ridicules your concerns and doesn't think there is a problem.
  15. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He looked you in the eye and lied. Even worse, when you brought up the topic, he instantly turned manipulative and essentially threatened you with break up by bringing up his ex and claiming that she was "controlling". He was essentially telling you to back off or else. Except that his ex wasn't controlling, she didn't appreciate being lied to or having a bf trolling other women and who knows how far he goes with that. No, what he is doing is not the same as porn. When you find out that someone you just started dating doesn't share the same values as you, it's time to dump them. This is why we date - to learn these kinds of things. Also, stop telling yourself how this is all so perfect because it's pretty far from it. Finally, for the love of....do not send nudes, especially to someone you barely know and stop deluding yourself with this idea that if only you do enough, give enough, act like a porn star enough, that will somehow ensure that a guy won't cheat on you. It doesn't work like that. Cheating is about character and lack of. A cheater will cheat no matter what you do. The only thing you do control is who you pick as a partner - don't pick liars and manipulators.
  16. OK first is deep breath. Second is that you need to stop having these conversations with him. It doesn't do either of you any good, but it may lead you into feeling sorry for him and getting manipulated into sticking around for more. Next time he brings it up, change the topic. Keep in mind that if he really was oh so sorry, he'd be talking to a psychiatrist and getting help for himself instead of dumping this on you. Again, this is manipulative and you have to stop this topic from carrying on. Third is start getting together your important documents and put them somewhere safe outside of your apartment, lock down your credit, quietly change your bank accounts and get new credit card numbers and have it all sent to your parents or a PO Box. Do all that quietly so he doesn't know and can't get into things. You are correct in that you need to make a plan to get out and it's not as simple as call the movers today. Read your lease and see if there is an out clause and if there isn't one, talk to your landlord and see if they'll let you out of your lease under the circumstances even if for a fee. Lean on your family temporarily if you think they'll help you. If not, friends or just get together a deposit for a new place. Do not tell him where you are going. Making an exit plan does take time, patience, and planning. Also, absolutely find a therapist or psychiatrist to help you and be your support, including a resource in how to get out. Most importantly, do not forget or ignore that during your relationship he lied to you about major significant things and that's who he is. It doesn't matter why he does what he does because nobody can fix that, it only matters that he does - you can't trust his word and that is reason alone to leave.
  17. Easy - stop trying to tell him what you need and just tell him one thing "This isn't working out for me anymore so it's best we part ways. Wish you well and hope you do find yourself eventually." Don't try to explain to him for the umpteenth time how his choices are flawed in your eyes because that is condescending and patronizing as well. Sometimes ending things is best done with less talk and less explanations. He's heard you plenty and knows what you think already. No need to keep beating a dead horse.
  18. .....Even serial killers have some nice qualities..... Point being that some nice qualities are not enough. Also, it sounds like you need to learn how to keep better boundaries with people. He is bullying you and you are yielding to him and so it works for him. Please stop with the arguments. He is just being manipulative with you by asking you these types of questions. The fact that you are not happy with his behavior is reason enough to show him out the door. Just because he asks why doesn't mean you have to answer or answer to his satisfaction. It's not your job to tell him anything or to teach him how to be a decent human being. The only thing you need to tell him is to get his garbage out of your apartment by x date. Put it in writing. Mean it. Don't engage in the "why" arguments because the only answer is "it's my place and I said so." Stop letting this bully creep into and run your life.
  19. I think Carnatic is onto something here. The alcohol is the red herring while the real issue is your style of arguing and how you both address and resolve conflict. When you say that you got mad at her, how did you behave toward her exactly? Did you get aggressive? Did you raise your voice? Did you make her feel unsafe in some way or unheard? I kind of wonder if she is using "you are just drunk" as a way to deflect and excuse a much bigger issue with your behavior. On the flip side, she may also use the "you are drunk" accusation as a way to either end the argument or get what she wants from you or otherwise deflect from the issue at hand. Hard to tell without some details. Rather than focusing on the drinking, I think you need to consider what you two argue about and how it gets resolved or not. How are your conflict resolution skills as a couple because that sounds like the real heart of the problem.
  20. How he treats others is exactly how he will treat you eventually. Since you already feel unsafe and unhappy with his behavior, time to end things and walk away. This is why we date - to learn if this person is compatible with us or not. You are seeing that this guy is not compatible with you. Dating overall is a time for observation and not trying to fix, correct, or argue about who is right or wrong. When you observe a person you are dating display bad behavior, you have to ask yourself - is this something that I'm comfortable with. If the answer is no, then you simply dump them and look for someone else who is better suited, calmer, more respectful, etc. It doesn't matter what reasons someone gives you for their behavior, the only thing that matters is that how they are doesn't work for you.
  21. What draws you to toxic people? You can't honestly believe that a cheater and a manipulative, abusive liar is some prize to be won. So what are you getting out of this drama you chose to engage in over and over again. Please don't say social group because like attracts like. Meaning that if he is such a big part of the social group, he is not the only toxic person there and again, it all comes back to you - you are drawn to toxic like a moth to a flame. Figure it out because the only person you control is yourself.
  22. His remorse and guilt are worthless, especially considering that he lied to you about pretty serious things when it comes to sex and relationships. To put it very simply and I'm paraphrasing a psychiatrist who specializes in socio/psychopaths - they can and do feel guilt but that doesn't stop them from harming people repeatedly. Given his lying, disordered, and manipulative nature, I also wonder why he suddenly came up with this confession. It wouldn't surprise me if this is meant to distract you from something else he is doing, such as cheating on you. He may have also said that so that you break up with him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work himself and can play a victim instead. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what his issues and motivations are. The real issue is why are you dating someone who will lie to you about major relationship things that can affect your health and well being. You need to learn how to have better boundaries and how to get rid of toxic people instead of trying to excuse and justify and carry on. You can't fix him, but you can and do need to fix yourself and your picker. This guy should be history effective immediately. The fact that it's not clear to you shows that you need to work on yourself some more.
  23. When people show you and tell you who they are - believe them. It really is that simple. So yes, this is who she is and it's not going to change. The issue for you is that who she is, while intriguing and attractive in some ways, is definitely not enough and not a good match in other important ways and it won't get better. It's a bit like having an sip of water when you really need a full glass. It will leave you feeling constantly thirsty and frustrated and that's not healthy. She sounds more like a cool friend/acquaintance you spend time with on occasion, but when it comes to romance and relationships, you really should look for someone who is more on your wavelength and open to being with you naturally.
  24. This may sound harsh but needs to be said - nobody cares about your feelings, especially when you are a contractor, so please please just don't go there. You'll end up looking like a drama queen and that will hurt you as people avoid hiring those who cause headaches. Since you are already getting 40 hours, you can't really claim that you are not getting enough hours. That said, the winning strategy here is rather than talking about yourself and your benefit and asking how you can benefit yourself more, figure out how to present it as a savings for the company to give you more work. After 14 years in the business, you really should know how to frame this in terms of benefits to the company in order to get what you want. You also need to learn how to build relationships with these managers which seems to be a recurring theme with you. New manager and you get pushed out because you don't build a relationship with them. We've talked about this in your previous threads - you may be very good at what you do, but as a contractor, you also need to be good at maintaining working relationships with managers. As you can see playing out right in your face - these relationships matter more than your skills. People work with those they like and trust.
  25. OP, your first instinctive decision to get rid of him was the right one. Stick to it. Please understand that the other girl wasn't sending him those texts out of the blue. He was lying to you both and cheating, so he is no prize and his apologies are irrelevant and useless. Rather than entertaining his bs, go ahead and block him for your own peace of mind. I know you love him, but you will heal and move on and it's better to be free than to deal with a cheater and keep looking over your shoulder all the time. You literally can't unsee and unlearn what you now know about him and all it will do is eat away at you if you get back together. Better that you look forward to something new and also, do give yourself some breathing room, especially given the loss of your sister. Give yourself some time to just process and just be without assorted guys as a distraction.
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