bellajo1986

I am sorry in advance for the long message, but I am completely lost. I have been in a relationship with him for almost 2 years. We have had a rocky road together, but I thought we finally figured things out. I am 35 and he is 37. One of the biggest problems we were having was that any big fight we had, he would initiate a breakup and then come crawling back a few days later. I made excuses for him, like he was just really angry and needed to cool off, but one day I just had it. I completely cut him off for 3 months (and should have left him for good), but he came back begging and promising me he wanted to start a life and share a home with me. That is exactly what I wanted ultimately, to settle down and start a life. Since day 1, I made it clear I was looking for a secure, long term relationship (possibly marriage down the road) and that the breakup and makeup dynamic wasn't going to work for me. But since I felt like I found that - out of foolishness, I thought I finally found that so I gave it a shot. After only 2 months, so much has happened and I have discovered so much about him that I just can't deal with. For whatever stupid reason, I thought the breakups would stop once we moved in together because I felt he was finally making the commitment and that he learned his lesson after I was gone for 2 months. Sadly, that's not the case. Any time we fight, he either threatens to move out, or packs his stuff and leaves for like an hour and I guess changes his mind and comes back. This is a huge trigger for me because my ex husband of 10 years had an affair and left me and our daughter. My bf knows this opens up old woulds, but does it anyway. When he does, I completely lose control of myself. I yell, throw things, cry... just act completely out of character. First, I am not one to invade privacy. I never snoop or look through phones. I do, however, trust my intuition. Something had been telling me for a couple weeks to go look in the bathroom downstairs. This is his bathroom. He knows I will never go in there or use that bathroom because I am terrified of spiders that live in basements, AND his bathroom habits gross me out. I decided to go look through his bathroom and found a bag of performance enhancing drugs (steroids in pill form, not needles). I haven't said anything because I know how he will react... with anger. Next, there is his MDMA use. I do not agree with drug use. I've known he uses that occasionally when he's with me, but he also knows I hate it. I never said anything though, because I'm not his boss... until it started causing problems (not cheating to my knowledge). He promised me that I would never have to worry about it again. HOWEVER, twice since we have moved in together, I have noticed he was on it. We will drink together maybe once a month, and drinking for me is only 2-3 drinks MAX. Those are the times he has snuck and took the pill behind my back.. probably so he can turn around and say it was alcohol in case I noticed anything. I am not stupid. I know what he is like on that stuff (dilated pupils, grinding teeth, overly affectionate). However, once again I haven't said anything because I know he will deny and gaslight me since I have no proof, so I kind of just because a little more distant as a result of being disappointed. Last weekend, we went out to the club together.. against my best judgment. Since our first date, I have been very vocal about hating clubs. I absolutely despise them. He, on the other hand, likes going with his girlfriend (not alone with guys). I decided to make some kind of sacrifice and go with him because I figured I would rather him go with me than friends. This is the only kind of "date" he has ever planned for us... even after knowing how much I hate them. Last weekend, he said he wanted to "go out" but he didn't want to make any suggestions because "he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and piss me off". I stupidly told him I'd go out to the club with him because I just wanted to make him happy, but asked if we could go to this particular spot that i can *tolerate* becasue it's not crowded or loud. While waiting in line to get in, I spotted my ex boyfriend who I have a restraining order against. I got scared and clung onto my boyfriends arm and told him right away. His response to me was "Hmm... no wonder you have been acting weird all day. This must be why you never want to go to the club anymore and why you decided to come here" I just stood quiet because I knew he would blow up if I said anything. He asked what I wanted to do and if I wanted to leave but I said no because 1) the ex left as soon as he saw me and 2) I knew if I said I wanted to leave he would tell me that was suspicious and I must be hiding something. We got upstairs to a table and he kept going on "weird you have never wanted to sit upstairs before" and "Weird you keep looking downstairs". I finally blew up on him and yelled "I haven't done anything to you!!!! Stop treating me like I have done something wrong!!" I could see the anger in his eyes and he told me something like "You are so unfair! You are allowed to be insecure about things but when I am you treat me like this? How would you feel if we saw my ex???" I loudly told him again "I didn't do *** to you" and he exploded... slammed his can of beer on the table and it got all over my face, hair and clothes, got up and left me there. I stupidly reacted and threw my drink back at him before he walked completely off. We both took separate Ubers home and got there at the same time. The fighting continued. I was blamed for it all. I like to fight in public. I am a hypocrite. I could have had him sent to jail and he'd lose his son... etc. This whole week I have known I need to leave him. I am just trying to come up with a plan. It hurts because I wanted something completely different. I have been very quiet, withdrawn and distant.... but not mean or argumentative. Last night, he told me he knows I don't love him anymore. I explained it wasn't that, but I just feel really sad, afraid and insecure. His response was "What have I done now??? There is no pleasing you, is there?? Tell me what I could possibly be doing? I come home every night!" I maybe got one sentence in trying to explain what was wrong until he started blowing up and deflecting, bringing up irrelevant crap like "You left the lights on 2 weeks ago... you are probably talking to your ex behind my back... you made food for you and your daughter last week but not me and my son (even though he texted me and told me they had food before they got home)" Then, somehow we started arguing about the night before where I invited him to watch a movie with my daughter but he complained "NO that's a chick flick". I told him, "99% of what we watch in this house is what you and your son want to watch. Every day. We never complain because we are just happy to be with you guys" and his reaction was "oh wooooow I never thought my son would bother you so much. This morning, I tried to make peace and apologize for the fight and tell him I hope we can figure something out, but of course he is still going on and on. He's telling me the biggest problem in our relationship is that I lack accountability, and now he doesn't feel comfortable in that house with his son after what I said about him. That was it. This morning I decided he's a possible narcissistic, druggie who is probably roid raging and I need to leave. Problem is, we are both in a lease. I cannot afford the place on my own, neither can he. It will not be an easy "agreement" between us... it will be war. I am thinking to just silently start looking for a place... without saying a word and then just leaving him while he as at work one day. I need to get therapy after dealing with such a mind freak. Does anyone have any advice for me here?

Although she is acting ridiculous with you… I don’t think this means you guys need to end the relationship. It simply means you guys are living together unplanned and really learning each other’s habits. You are learning a whole other side of each other. Hopefully you get out of her place soon. If and when you guys move in together in the future, you will have plenty of time to plan and make sure everyone is on the same page.

I think you need to be careful… in my opinion. You are in a situation where there’s a possibility her and the ex will end up back together. While it can be possible for ex’s to remain friends, this usually doesn’t happen for a long time after the breakup…. After feelings and emotions are sorted out. A few months isn’t enough time. In her case, they are still attached to each other… not just “being friends”. I think you’re best cutting her loose (for now) to sort things out for herself. You’re possibly a rebound. Honestly let her go now before you get hurt. She’s not ready for what you are ready for and she isn’t going to be able to give what you have to give.

Well, when I accidentally butt dialed hun at the gym, we were technically together. I just got to the point where I stopped caring. That’s why I met the other guy to workout. It’s not something I’d normally do…. But I did because I just didn’t care anymore. Now that he found out and it hurt him… I just hate that I caused another human pain.

My daughters father and I were married for 7 years. I took 3 years off of dating completely after we separated. Things are good between us all. I’m not really a depressed type of person. It’s never been something I’ve dealt with. But the extreme amount of guilt I’m feeling for feeling like I betrayed and cheated on someone is taking a huge toll on me.

I ended the relationship with the other guy too. I’m on no place for him. I have my own place, and I work full time. I have a daughter who lives with me. I’ve been so depressed the last few days. I feel like an awful person. I have no motivation to tend to my duties.

Yes, I agree. After breakups, I’ve found hair that wasn’t mine in his bed, a Bobby pin, and his bed was broke once. I did lose respect. But I still feel awful for what I did and I’m in this stupid space where I’m taking responsibility for the relationship ending. I’ve always been a very loyal woman. I’m having a hard time looking at the bigger picture.

The guy on Facebook is just someone I’ve been friends on Facebook with for a couple years… before I even met the boyfriend…. But we never met in real life…. Until recently. In fact, I had Facebook deactivated (when I was in a relationship) a few weeks ago, I was at the gym with my bf and he got upset with me because I was doing an exercise that required me to bend over. This upset him and it upset me too because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. It led to a huge argument, he called me some awful names and told me never to call him again and that he was going to do what he wanted with who he wanted. It was at that point I finally decided to message and meet the guy from Facebook.

I’ve been in an off and on relationship with someone for a year. When he gets angry with me, he breaks up with me. During a breakup in our first couple of months of dating, he slept with his ex. I should have cut ties then. I know. But I took him back. There were more and more breakups, and lots of little red flags that led me to believe he was sleeping with someone else during the breakups. Eventually, I got fed up. It takes a lot to get me there. But was tired of being thrown away. I went on 2 months without him. During that time, I was talking to someone else on Facebook. We never met up, we just talked. He was honestly just really nice to me and let me vent and gave me good advice. Stupidly, after 2 months of my ex begging, I took him back and cut ties with the Facebook guy. A couple weeks in, I told him about the messages because we ran into this guy at the gym. He blew up on me and called me a liar and a cheater. And broke up with me again. We have still been back and forth. I have begged and pleaded for him to stop breaking up with me because it makes me feel very insecure and very hard for me to love him. I need to feel like I have stability. It never stopped. we would get in fights and he would tell me he was done with me and then call a day or two later wanting to work things out. I reached out to the Facebook guy again during a breakup because he’s given me good advice. He listened to me. We ended up going to the gym together a few times and just talking and hanging out there. Meantime here is the ex (Or boyfriend) who breaks up with me and at this point I just feel like I lost so much for him. I know, I should have left him. I know. I know it’s immature and insecure on my end. But I love him. I got to the point where I didn’t want to stop talking to this other guy anymore, even when my relationship was “on”. Nothing physical ever happened between us. It was just talking and working out together. Last night, while we were “on” I ironically butt dialed the boyfriend and he heard me at the gym with this guy. Talking about my squat form and my back hurting. Boyfriend flipped out on me… called me a liar… betrayer…. Cheater. I should add this is something I would never normally do in a relationship…. But I got to the point to where I stopped caring because he kept leaving. I just feel awful. I’ve never done anything like this. I know I have no excuse for what happened. I should have walked away. I feel like a terrible person. I’ve always been a loyal woman. I hate myself right now. I hurt someone and It’s not who I am. I don’t know how to get through this amount of guilt and shame. I feel like the scum of the earth. What can I do? How do I forgive myself? How to I move past this guilt? I feel like an ugly person on the inside.