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Is this considered cheating? I want to make things right.


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I’ve been in an off and on relationship with someone for a year. When he gets angry with me, he breaks up with me. During a breakup in our first couple of months of dating, he slept with his ex. I should have cut ties then. I know. But I took him back. There were more and more breakups, and lots of little red flags that led me to believe he was sleeping with someone else during the breakups.

Eventually, I got fed up. It takes a lot to get me there. But was tired of being thrown away. I went on 2 months without him. During that time, I was talking to someone else on Facebook. We never met up, we just talked. He was honestly just really nice to me and let me vent and gave me good advice. Stupidly, after 2 months of my ex begging, I took him back and cut ties with the Facebook guy. 

A couple weeks in, I told him about the messages because we ran into this guy at the gym. He blew up on me and called me a liar and a cheater. And broke up with me again. 

We have still been back and forth. I have begged and pleaded for him to stop breaking up with me because it makes me feel very insecure and very hard for me to love him. I need to feel like I have stability. It never stopped. we would get in fights and he would tell me he was done with me and then call a day or two later wanting to work things out. I reached out to the Facebook guy again during a breakup because he’s given me good advice. He listened to me. We ended up going to the gym together a few times and just talking and hanging out there. 

Meantime here is the ex (Or boyfriend) who breaks up with me and at this point I just feel like I lost so much for him. I know, I should have left him. I know. I know it’s immature and insecure on my end. But I love him. 

I got to the point where I didn’t want to stop talking to this other guy anymore, even when my relationship was “on”. Nothing physical ever happened between us. It was just talking and working out together.

Last night, while we were “on” I ironically butt dialed the boyfriend and he heard me at the gym with this guy. Talking about my squat form and my back hurting. Boyfriend flipped out on me… called me a liar… betrayer…. Cheater. I should add this is something I would never normally do in a relationship…. But I got to the point to where I stopped caring because he kept leaving. 

I just feel awful. I’ve never done anything like this. I know I have no excuse for what happened. I should have walked away. I feel like a terrible person. I’ve always been a loyal woman. I hate myself right now. I hurt someone and It’s not who I am. I don’t know how to get through this amount of guilt and shame. I feel like the scum of the earth. What can I do? How do I forgive myself? How to I move past this guilt? I feel like an ugly person on the inside.

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5 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

I’ve been in an off and on relationship with someone for a year. When he gets angry with me, he breaks up with me. But was tired of being thrown away.

Sorry this is happening. he's toxic, but you know that. You're well aware that his breakups and sexcapades are demoralizing to you.

 Just end it for good. That way you'll be free to date men who are sane, stable and respect you. Why be someone's yoyo when you can be someone's GF?

 Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Staying in touch with someone who treats you as trash is not healthy for you.

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Who is this Facebook person? Is it a friend or some random person you’ve never known until now? It’s inappropriate if you’re in a relationship to be chatting up with another man. Two wrongs don’t make a right. 

It’s time to let go of this relationship for good and focus on your self-confidence and self-worth. It’s been an on/off situation for some time with no respect and no trust between the two of you. 

As for the Facebook so-called friend I’d remain wary. A man who hangs around listening to relationship problems, giving advice for personal issues and hanging out while doing squats is interested in one thing. He’s nothing but a rebound for you and an escape for the time being. What you truly would benefit from is a break from dating and not having all these added stresses and guilt. Your self-esteem is rock bottom. Please take care.

Do you have any family or friends close by?

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Well the chances are he is sleeping with his ex when you’re “off” anyway, so …….

You’ve lost respect for him, he has never respected you.  I really don’t think there is a future here … or at least a healthy one anyway. Don’t you think it’s time you cut your losses. 

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Who is this Facebook person? Is it a friend or some random person you’ve never known until now? It’s inappropriate if you’re in a relationship to be chatting up with another man. Two wrongs don’t make a right. 

It’s time to let go of this relationship for good and focus on your self-confidence and self-worth. It’s been an on/off situation for some time with no respect and no trust between the two of you. 

As for the Facebook so-called friend I’d remain wary. A man who hangs around listening to relationship problems, giving advice for personal issues and hanging out while doing squats is interested in one thing. He’s nothing but a rebound for you and an escape for the time being. What you truly would benefit from is a break from dating and not having all these added stresses and guilt. Your self-esteem is rock bottom. Please take care.

Do you have any family or friends close by?

The guy on Facebook is just someone I’ve been friends on Facebook with for a couple years… before I even met the boyfriend…. But we never met in real life…. Until recently. In fact, I had Facebook deactivated (when I was in a relationship) a few weeks ago, I was at the gym with my bf and he got upset with me because I was doing an exercise that required me to bend over. This upset him and it upset me too because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. It led to a huge argument, he called me some awful names and told me never to call him again and that he was going to do what he wanted with who he wanted. It was at that point I finally decided to message and meet the guy from Facebook.  

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1 minute ago, bellajo1986 said:

The guy on Facebook is just someone I’ve been friends on Facebook with for a couple years… before I even met the boyfriend…. But we never met in real life…. Until recently. In fact, I had Facebook deactivated (when I was in a relationship) a few weeks ago, I was at the gym with my bf and he got upset with me because I was doing an exercise that required me to bend over. This upset him and it upset me too because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. It led to a huge argument, he called me some awful names and told me never to call him again and that he was going to do what he wanted with who he wanted. It was at that point I finally decided to message and meet the guy from Facebook.  

End this relationship as soon as possible. It’s emotionally and verbally abusive. I’d be careful with this other man especially if you have a history of abusive relationships. 

What is your living situation like at home? Do you live with family and do work or go to school?

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17 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

Well the chances are he is sleeping with his ex when you’re “off” anyway, so …….

You’ve lost respect for him, he has never respected you.  I really don’t think there is a future here … or at least a healthy one anyway. Don’t you think it’s time you cut your losses. 

Yes, I agree. After breakups, I’ve found hair that wasn’t mine in his bed, a Bobby pin, and his bed was broke once. I did lose respect. But I still feel awful for what I did and I’m in this stupid space where I’m taking responsibility for the relationship ending. I’ve always been a very loyal woman. I’m having a hard time looking at the bigger picture. 

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

End this relationship as soon as possible. It’s emotionally and verbally abusive. I’d be careful with this other man especially if you have a history of abusive relationships. 

What is your living situation like at home? Do you live with family and do work or go to school?

I ended the relationship with the other guy too. I’m on no place for him. I have my own place, and I work full time. I have a daughter who lives with me. 
I’ve been so depressed the last few days. I feel like an awful person. I have no motivation to tend to my duties. 

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Speaking from my own experience as the boyfriend, it isn’t healthy to always have to deal with someone that wants to breakup due to their own insecurities.  I am “that” boyfriend as I shouldn’t be in a relationship as I have trust issues.  I am in a relationship where she has cheated and kissed other men, but we do love each other.  I always have one foot out the door and keep making her feel bad about her mistakes since I don’t want to deal with my own pain from the betrayal.  
 

I always had suspicions as she was secretive and communication would break down when we were apart, but things have improved and she took a 180 when she realized I said I had enough.  
 

Your boyfriend needs to deal with his issues before you have a healthy relationship.  He isn’t going to be with you 24/7 and chatting with another guy regarding your relationship issues may be borderline troublesome to someone like me, but I wouldn’t have much issue with a girlfriend or family to offer advice.  I realize I shouldn’t be insecure about my girlfriend having guy friends, but sometimes I feel they could be orbiters waiting for their “opportunity” to offer comfort while we are having issues.  
 

The most important thing that someone mentioned above is once respect is lost and efforts aren’t being made to improve, then it isn’t worth fighting for any longer.  Good luck!

Edited by Kbtoys
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Oh boy, where to begin...

Your ex is abusive. All those feelings you feel, even you taking him back, its a consequence of abusive relationship you have with him. Its nothing to be ashamed for, however, it left a big consequences on your psyche. 

For example the other guy. You either use him to make your ex jealous(sure, yes, you just "buttdialed" your ex to hear conversation between you two, how yes, no) or just as somebody until you get back there with ex. Because it will happen again and again. This tells me everything I need to know about it

44 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

But I love him. 

That is so classic for abusive relationships. I had a cousin that had abusive husband. We tried to protect her from him. Then he came to beg her to come back to him. She said the same thing you do "But I love him". Its an instant classic for abusive relationships

Your best bet in having a "normal peaceful life" is to just get away. Cut all form of contacts with him. Start going to therapy. Because again, it left scars so big on you that he belitlles you and then sleeps with other people(and that is as far as you know, I bet he does it even when he is with you) and then you take him back every time he asks. You need a break from dating until you heal and learn how to make a good decisions for you through extensive therapy. I am sorry, but that is how it is.

Edited by Kwothe28
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1 minute ago, bellajo1986 said:

I ended the relationship with the other guy too. I’m on no place for him. I have my own place, and I work full time. I have a daughter who lives with me. 
I’ve been so depressed the last few days. I feel like an awful person. I have no motivation to tend to my duties. 

Hold those negative thoughts and consider finding support and help for the depression. Have you tried booking an appointment with your family doctor? Are you on any medications? How old is your daughter? Is her father in the picture or coparenting? 

Your main concern is finding support for yourself right now so that you can function and be a parent.

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11 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

I have my own place, and I work full time. I have a daughter who lives with me. 
I’ve been so depressed the last few days.

Excellent. Take care of yourself and your child. How is your co-parenting relationship? When did things end with her father? Was that breakup ever dealt with? Was this guy a rebound?

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia, lassitude and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 It seems you are mistaking intensity and slot-machine type drama addiction for a relationship, perhaps as a distraction from other issues such as being lonely or a single mom. 

 This will wear you down, erode self-respect and make you very old and tired very fast. End it. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Take care of yourself and your child. How is your co-parenting relationship? When did things end with her father? Was that breakup ever dealt with? Was this guy a rebound?

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the inertia, lassitude and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 It seems you are mistaking intensity and slot-machine type drama addiction for a relationship, perhaps as a distraction from other issues such as being lonely or a single mom. 

 This will wear you down, erode self-respect and make you very old and tired very fast. End it. 

My daughters father and I were married for 7 years. I took 3 years off of dating completely after we separated. Things are good between us all.

I’m not really a depressed type of person. It’s never been something I’ve dealt with. But the extreme amount of guilt I’m feeling for feeling like I betrayed and cheated on someone is taking a huge toll on me. 

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13 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

My daughters father and I were married for 7 years. I took 3 years off of dating completely after we separated. Things are good between us all.

I’m not really a depressed type of person. It’s never been something I’ve dealt with. But the extreme amount of guilt I’m feeling for feeling like I betrayed and cheated on someone is taking a huge toll on me. 

Be proactive and address those feelings. It may be triggering a host of other issues or events in your life way before this relationship. 

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1 hour ago, bellajo1986 said:

I’ve been in an off and on relationship with someone for a year. When he gets angry with me, he breaks up with me. During a breakup in our first couple of months of dating, he slept with his ex. I should have cut ties then. I know. But I took him back. There were more and more breakups, and lots of little red flags that led me to believe he was sleeping with someone else during the breakups.

Why do YOU feel like such a bad person?  You never even did anything wrong!

This is all on HIM!  You just need to realize this.  He's manipulated you and made YOU out to be the bad guy.  Is an of it true?  No.

You need to get away from all of this now.

He's got no respect, no morals and is just bringing you down with him 😕 .

Yeah, you should have walked away the first time he went back to his ex... Remember all the red flags.

Self respect... save your own mentality.

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46 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

My daughters father and I were married for 7 years. I took 3 years off of dating completely after we separated. Things are good between us all.

I’m not really a depressed type of person. It’s never been something I’ve dealt with. But the extreme amount of guilt I’m feeling for feeling like I betrayed and cheated on someone is taking a huge toll on me. 

 You didn’t cheat on him or betray anybody he just wants you to feel that way .  You were broken up therefore there’s no cheating .  He’s a dirtbag who wants you to feel like crap so don’t bother . 

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You have battered partner syndrome....you blame yourself for everything, hurting them, etc. That is their play on you...he manipulated your emotions. You have done nothing to hurt him, you are allowed to socialize with the opposite sex. The big red flag is off and on. You need to breakup with him, and be done with it. You are emotionally battered. He has abused you long enough...get out NOW. No healthy relationship is like this. This is absolutely brutal.

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8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

 You didn’t cheat on him or betray anybody he just wants you to feel that way .  You were broken up therefore there’s no cheating .  He’s a dirtbag who wants you to feel like crap so don’t bother . 

Well, when I accidentally butt dialed hun at the gym, we were technically together. I just got to the point where I stopped caring. That’s why I met the other guy to workout. It’s not something I’d normally do…. But I did because I just didn’t care anymore. Now that he found out and it hurt him… I just hate that I caused another human pain. 

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17 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

Well, when I accidentally butt dialed hun at the gym, we were technically together. I just got to the point where I stopped caring. That’s why I met the other guy to workout. It’s not something I’d normally do…. But I did because I just didn’t care anymore. Now that he found out and it hurt him… I just hate that I caused another human pain. 

Your thinking and reactions -they don't reflect stability.  I'm not a doctor or mental health professional but if you have a daughter you owe it to her to get checked out ASAP.  You "hate that you caused another human pain?"  What does that even mean.  We all will cause other people pain at some point in our lives - mostly unintentionally or carelessly and sometimes it will be purposeful like when we defend ourselves.  That sounds like a very abstract thing to say and be concerned about.  This is all about technically.  You two were never in a committed relationship if he kept "breaking up" and then having intercourse with others.

Please act in the best interest of your daughter and yourself. Cut off contact with this abusive man and get yourself some help.

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1 hour ago, bellajo1986 said:

Well, when I accidentally butt dialed hun at the gym, we were technically together. I just got to the point where I stopped caring. That’s why I met the other guy to workout. It’s not something I’d normally do…. But I did because I just didn’t care anymore. Now that he found out and it hurt him… I just hate that I caused another human pain. 

Time for you to care about YOU, not a dirtbag. 

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2 hours ago, bellajo1986 said:

I just hate that I caused another human pain. 

Do you think he "hates" that he caused you pain?  Or, does he possibly enjoy it?

Please seek professional treatment for your depression and feelings of low self worth.  You want to be the best possible mother to your child, but you can't be if you're this anxious and depressed.  And yes, your child can tell.

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8 hours ago, bellajo1986 said:

I need to feel like I have stability.

On the contrary, it sounds like you're addicted to drama.

You've hitched yourself to an abuser who dumps you on the regular and sleeps with other women.

Instead of breaking up with him once and for all (and getting actual stability), you stay with the guy and further complicate the situation by meeting a new love interest and hanging out with him.

Now, you are beating yourself up for everything!

Not good.

You have to at least be on your own side!

8 hours ago, bellajo1986 said:

I’m in this stupid space where I’m taking responsibility for the relationship ending.

I'm glad you at least see the stupidity of this situation. There's sanity in you yet!

Question: How did you get into a position where a guy has been able to dump you, sleep with other women, and get back together with you, repeatedly, for a year? 

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Hey Bella,

I'm a lurker here and I just logged in to let you know that you are worthy of true healthy love. You are a beautiful human being that deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

He does not treat you this way, yet you keep coming back. You are trauma bonded to him, and it's the common reason why many of us abused women find it hard to leave. I suggest you read up on it, and just reflect.

I also recommend reading this book.

I know it's hard to leave, but in the meanwhile keep reflecting on how you feel in the relationship and how he treats you.

Needless to say, it's best to eventually block and delete him from your life to help you heal. You are a strong woman and can thrive without him. And I say this as someone who came to this forum struggling just like you. I left my abusive ex for good about a year ago, and it's been getting better. I can breath, I can dream, and I can thrive. I am also learning to treat myself kindly too, and won't accept a man that does any less. So can you. Be loving to yourself, and break free when you are ready. Also, listen to that tiny voice that is bringing you to this forum for help. You do need help.

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