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Everything posted by DancingFool

  1. I can almost hear my father going, "Don't even think about it!!!!!" In hindsight, he was totally right and I'm glad that I listened. Best words of advice from him was that when you are young like that, go live a little. Be free, date around, party, have fun, work hard, figure out who you are and what you want in life, THEN find someone to settle down with if that's what you want when you are clear about who you are as and adult and have enough experience under your belt to know what kind of a person will make the right partner. Right now, you and her are basically settling in this relationship for lack of better options and that's not good. Plus you are both way too young to play house. So don't. Date, but realize that you will split up sooner or later. As for you forgiving her.....yikes. She hasn't done anything that requires your forgiveness. I think this relationship is kind of making you complacent. Get out, meet some new people, get some hobbies, expand your horizons and if dating her still works, carry on. If not, break up. Overall, even when you are older, never move in with anyone until you've dated for at least 1.5 - 2 years. Really get to know the person through all the seasons so to speak before you take that step and be sure of it. Meaning it's something positive that you are looking forward to and not just a convenience.
  2. That's the definition of complete lack of impulse control. Everyone who has ever gone on some good dates and felt like they are clicking well with that person has felt the same way. The difference is that they don't jump in to propose because that is nuts. I'm asking you again, what is going on with your mental health? Living in denial isn't going to help you or give you good quality of life or lead to healthy relationships that last.
  3. This is a just another compulsive act in a long string of many. You posted back in Aug? of last year that you won't act impulsively and take your time getting to know someone before you jump in when dating. Just a few months later, you latched onto a woman young enough to be your kid and proposed, which is more than a little impulsive. What's going on with your mental health?
  4. My first thought was also that he might be embarrassed. However, the with added info that multiple doses are missing, you aren't having sex, sex overall has been dropping off AND early on you've caught him sending messages (really shouldn't have ignored that as he showed you back then already who he is), I'd say that yes, you have something to be concerned about here. I wouldn't say anything immediately, but rather quietly start checking the phone bills, credit cards, bank statements, computers, and his whereabouts. If you confront him right now, he'll just hide things better. Unless he wants you to find out and divorce him, thus the not so blatant, but not so hidden pills.
  5. Wanting to end things on good terms is ideal. However, you aren't always in control of that. He dumped you and he no longer gets to control what you do or have any say whatsoever in your life. You KNOW this and good for you that you aren't responding to his bs. To put it very simply, don't confuse his toxic behavior with love. This isn't about love, it's about ego. How dare you be happy and move on. It's also very likely that this thirst trap pics aren't getting the attention he was hoping for, so the idea that someone he tossed aside is doing better than him, burns him up. He is actually showing you that he doesn't like or respect you in any way. He is literally seeing this as, "how can someone lesser than him, aka you, be doing better than him so fast." He didn't post thirst trap pics to be celibate and don't you forget that. He is simply seeking to bring you down. Keep healing and keep on going. Do consider just blocking him so you don't keep getting set backs like this. Consider also that the reason you are moving on so fast is because leaving a toxic relationship is a lot like a dark cloud lifting off your head. It's actually quite normal. While you are in the relationship it seems like you will never do better, but that's the illusion. Once you leave.....you feel a sense of freedom and relief. Enjoy it and have fun with your life without your toxic ex and don't look back.
  6. Is it rude? Yes. It seems the bigger issue is that there is a disconnect between you and your gf. Whatever you are arguing about, she is turning to someone else for comfort and support. Her being rude is the least of your problems here.
  7. Be honest with yourself - moving in with a stranger you barely know was entirely impulsive and nothing to do with circumstance or, "it made sense because of bs". There should be zero surprise that something so impulsive is now blowing up in your face. There was literally nothing sane about either of your or her actions. It may be wise to step back and reflect on why you were so vulnerable to act out so impulsively and why that seemed so right for you.
  8. Short answer is get back to reality. This girl is a sales chick.....meaning she is really good at being personable, charismatic, AND manipulating people to get what she wants, whatever that may be. With clients, it may be selling your products/services, in your particular case, it may well be ensuring she gets access to the "good" accounts, promising leads, and so on. Being her manager, you ARE in control of her success and she knows it. So....knock it off with her and your own delusions. She is going along with your bs, but that can sure backfire on you as she can turn on you and claim sexual harassment at the drop of the hat with your so called "dates". She can literally say that you are pressuring her and she wouldn't be wrong about that. Add to it that her bf works in HR and .....you are pretty much ensuring your own unemployment. Even McD's will avoid hiring people accused of sexual harassment and make no mistake, her bf will find a way to let potential employers know and destroy your life for years to come. All I can say is Dude...get a grip.
  9. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. First of is yes, go and get tested. Don't ask her about it, just do it. Second is I actually agree with Kwothe that she wanted you to know and probably expected you to dump her, as you should have. Since you didn't, she finally had to find the guts to end it. Finally, yes this is who she is - getting drunk, getting high, cheating, even the trust issues. Cheaters usually have trust issues because they know what they can do to you, but do not want it done to them. I realize it's a shock to find out after 5 years that you've been dating this person and everything you thought she is, wasn't quite right. It's hard to wrap your head around that, let alone accept it. Please take care of yourself and definitely get tested. Put your health first.
  10. I think that you need to own your concerns, because they are valid. After 7 years together....what is your relationship goal? Are you looking to get married? Are you looking to just live like roommates? What is happening? Is there a future? Keep in mind, that you don't need marriage to be building a life together as a couple. So I would start with being clear with yourself about what it is that you want and expect from a relationship and then sitting down and talking with him about it in concrete terms and figuring out if you and him are on the same page. Rather than accusing him of cheating or drifting away, be concrete about what you want and what you expect and hold his actions to it. Don't focus on his words and what he says, but rather focus on what he does post discussion. On the financial side note, what your mother meant is be independent of any man financially. She didn't mean "pay off his mortgage while feeling like a guest in his house." Overall, from what you are describing, it does sound like you and him are drifting apart. Buying a house for himself is fine, buuuut you are his partner, so he should have talked to you about his plans. Telling you that this is your "home" is a bit of a cheap joke if he doesn't act like it. If he wants you to be a part of his life and feel like this is your home too, then yes, how you decorate should include you. Right now, he is acting like "my house, my space, my rules." Sure, technically, you can always argue he has that right, but healthy relationships don't actually work on technicalities and you are feeling that as we speak. The biggest question you need to ask yourself is why you don't trust him anymore? Don't ask him if he is cheating (if he is, he will never ever admit it) but rather what is going on with your relationship that is driving you to think that. Perhaps, you and him need to shake things up, get out of the routine and reconnect. Unfortunately, could also be the olde "7 year itch" and you need to part ways. If your relationship isn't moving forward, it has to end kind of a thing.
  11. You know the saying....you can leave, but wherever you go, there you are. You bring yourself and all your personal issues with you and therefore can't run away from yourself. So, the short answer is that yes, it's you. Meaning that you are the common denominator in all the relationships. What stands out to me is that you seem to choose women who are either immature or significantly younger than you AND immature. What gives? Also, you seem to choose relationships that are not reciprocal with the exception of one, but even that, she was 8 years younger than you and in a completely different life stage from you, so doomed to fail from the get go. There is a sense of self sabotage. You say you want a stable relationship, but your actions/choices of partners speak otherwise. I'd give that some thought. Btw, please step away from dating for a bit and actually think things through, get yourself sorted out before you date again. Don't rush into yet another relationship to avoid your own thoughts.
  12. Let me put this another way. If you were robbed, would you go running after your robber demanding that he apologizes and gives you a hug to make you feel better? Of course not. It would be completely absurd. Why? Because you KNOW that the robber meant to rob you and is not sorry about it. For comfort, you'd turn to family, friends, police, etc. Basically, everyone other than the person who harmed you. So why can't you understand that same thing about abusers? Someone who is abusing you isn't confused and is not sorry. They mean to do what they do. They mean to hurt you and harm you. Why do you insist on running after an abuser demanding that they comfort you and feel bad about being nasty toward you? It's just as absurd as asking a robber to comfort you about the robbery. They both mean to harm you and they don't care how that affects you.
  13. You can dissect everything you've done and beat yourself up 100 different ways before breakfast, buuut ^ this is what you need to actually take away from this. Could have told you from the get go that your relationship will abruptly end with some form or version of "I need to go find myself." First of all, she is still at an age/stage of life where she is still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants in life. Second, she is well behind the curve because she spent so much time in a one relationship. So yes, it was her whole life experience and only point of reference for anything and everything. No surprise there that it would come up often and has nothing to do with her not being past that. It's literally the only life experience she has. Basically, you ended up dating a ticking time bomb that was going to go off sooner or later in terms of her feeling that need/urge to be free, be single, explore, sort out who she is, what she wants, experience more life outside of committed relationships. It doesn't matter if you were the best bf ever or the worst, because that urge was going to rise up regardless. Her sexual orientation is also irrelevant here. It's a life stage/life experience issue. Next time, don't ignore that. Also, if you want a running partner or someone who is active you have soooo many choices out there. Head up and onwards. Don't beat yourself up, but know that once you are ready to date, you have choices and lots of them. Just remember to combine feelings with sound judgment as well when committing to someone.
  14. You can cut him off any time you want to, you are choosing not to. Only you know why, if you can be honest enough with yourself about that. Anyway, stop seeking validation from your abuser. That's like insisting on petting a cobra that keeps biting you and acting all confused on why it keeps biting you because gosh you are just being nice and trying to pet it. It's a snake! Likewise, an abuser is an abuser. If you keep talking to him, he will continue to abuse you, gaslight you, and manipulate you. At some point it really comes down to finding some basic sense of survival and quitting the toxic behavior on your end. You have so much to say to him? Sit down and start writing it all out, everything he's done, every way he hurt you, upset you, etc. Maybe once it all starts pouring out and you see it all in writing in front of your eyes, it will finally sink in for you just how horrible he is and how much you need to stay away. Don't give it to him or send it or anything such. This is strictly an exercise for you. Lose the silly idea that if you just talk to him, show him, point out his hypocrisy, that he'll suddenly open his eyes and become a good person. OP, it's not that he doesn't know what he is doing, it's that he likes it. Your pleas and arguments amuse him at your expense. Make him feel powerful. Stop with the excuses about why you need to keep talking to him. You don't. If you want to get away, then start making new friends. If you must run into him occasionally, be civil as in nod head and turn away to talk to other people. You literally have no reason to continue to engage with him other than you are choosing to because you want to for whatever reason. When you finally decide you are done, you will be done for real.
  15. Rather than asking strangers to guess and read her mind, ask her to clarify what she meant by that. If you want to have a healthy happy relationship, you NEED to learn to address these kinds of things directly instead of stewing on it for days and getting increasingly more anxious about it - that's toxic behavior on your part. Ask, air it out, talk, listen, clarify so you both know where you are at and can proceed from there stress free.
  16. Likewise sending support. Just want to let you know that your doctors are doing the right things in terms of testing. It may seem scary, but it might not be. Lots of GI tract issues that are quite minor and easily managed can cause these kinds of problems if left unmanaged or unnoticed/unknown. The testing is a bit of a process of elimination, so please be patient and just do the tests and let the doctors figure it out even if it takes some time and you get a lot of "we can't find anything." Keep going and keep on testing. The "we can't find anything" usually points to something minor that's causing big issues but once found, can be easily taken care of.
  17. Stop making excuses and just delete and block her. She doesn't care and she has moved on. You are still stuck and it's time to cut that string. Just do it. No, you don't need to reach out and contact her or inform her of that. That would just be weird. "Hey it's been 3 years, we haven't been in touch, but I'm contacting you out of the blue just to tell you that I'm going to delete you from my FB." Do you see how messed up that would be? Don't do that please. Just move on already. It's time.
  18. It may seem silly, but it's a behavior of a man who is either angling hard to get back with his ex or he is looking to cheat and play you both. Either way the lies and gaslighting are thing you don't want to deal with or tolerate. Asking him why he is acting like that is really pointless. The short answer is that it is working for him and it's not the first time he is acting like that. These kinds of behaviors don't just come up, it may be just the first time you are being fully exposed to it. Bottom line is that you may be an honest and upfront person who acts like an adult, but he is lying, gaslighting, playing games, and making you question your sanity. Is this acceptable to you?
  19. That alone is a good reason to move on from him. It's one thing to disagree, it's quite another to just call you crazy and be insulting and dismissive toward you.
  20. When in doubt, trust your instincts. Yes, he is acting weird to say the least. I think he sold you a load of bs about his ex. He never got over her, didn't want to let her go, didn't want to get divorced and it wasn't because he was being vindictive toward her (also a huge red flag) but rather because he was not over her and still isn't. Their kids are mostly grown so they really don't have any kind of intense coparenting issues to deal with. They literally have no reason to talk much or at all. If they are chatting and getting friendly, then you know they are not done with each other and are circling back around so to speak. Unfortunately, you are caught in the middle of that toxic dance. If I were you, I'd step out and step away. In short, time to get rid of him.
  21. If you truly are seeking to be kind, then do not offer or ask for friendship. That would be a really selfish move on your part when you know she wants more than that. After two dates, simple and honest is best - sorry just not feeling it. Don't sugar coat it or tell her how amazing and great she is because again, that's not nice and it just confuses people. Assume that emotionally healthy adults can handle a simple "no thanks" after just a few dates and that is all that is needed from you.
  22. Yikes what a crazy second date that was. Sorry you had to deal with that. For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong. You simply found out the hard way why her relationships turn toxic - it's her and she is the instigator, not the victim. Generally speaking, when someone tells me about their string of toxic relationships, I view it as a red flag to be approached and investigated with extreme caution and skepticism. Too often either the person is damaged and drawn to the drama, thus choosing toxic partners, or they are the source of the drama. More often than not, it's the latter. I wouldn't worry about her badmouthing you as most people don't kiss and tell, and judge harshly those who try that. It's definitely one of those things where it would backfire on her. In general, she can only play the victim of "terrible men" for so long before people start to catch on to the pattern and realize she is the problem.
  23. I think this is just another example of if you don't want for things to get weird like this, don't do early dates at home. It doesn't matter if you prepared a 5 star gourmet meal and worked 6 hours at it. At the end of the day, she did read your invitation as Netflix and Chill and came with a certain expectation. On that note, she was super blunt that she is looking to scratch an itch........ aaaaand.....you rejected her. No surprise that she got frustrated and then shut things down. She didn't come over to hold hands, OP, and she was very very clear about that. Btw, your "I need more connection" can easily be read by her as "I'm not really attracted to you that way." Bottom line is that if you need more connection to develop first, then take her out on dates until you are actually ready for more and going over to your place or hers and getting down and dirty is on the table for real. Otherwise, this just creates confusion that is unnecessary. Overall, I don't know if you'll get another chance with her. She worked pretty hard to get a date out of you and then more only to be met with a very lame timid excuse for why you aren't taking her up on her offer. If you are all that into her like you say, you really will need to get off your arse and up your game big time....assuming it's not too little too late for that. At least try. Then again...I said that earlier - step up instead of stepping back.
  24. First is I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. Huge internet hugs to you. Second...it is not your fault. You did not do anything idiotic. Please please understand that. You didn't invite this and did not bring this onto yourself. Please do not blame yourself for what this psychopath did to you. The fault is 100% his and I hope he does end up rotting in jail for that. Please push the prosecutor to do their job and do not back down from it.
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