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Everything posted by DancingFool

  1. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I can only offer you practical advice, which is stay in college, finish your education so you can get a better job and a better future for yourself and eventually your mom too. Unfortunately, sometimes leaving this kind of a situation has to be a long game and it's better to be driven by reason rather than emotions. As impossible as it seems, emotions subside and the pain is finite. Setting yourself up for a solid financial future is for life and critical that you keep your eye on that ball at all costs for the long term benefit of all of you. Meanwhile, you are doing your best to support your mom in the only way possible - being there for her emotionally. I can only imagine her pain at discovering this level of deceit by someone she loved and trusted. Please encourage her to start making decisions like if she wants to leave him she needs to talk to lawyers and start looking for a job and means of support. It's good that she is telling her family and friends what's going and getting support around her. She is not the only one in this predicament and being a house wife is not something that precludes her from getting up on her own feet, getting a good job and building a great life for herself without a cheater in it. She does need to grieve and let out all the emotions, but then do gently steer her toward the practical aspects of leaving and how to and no, it cannot be just by you taking on her full support. She is capable herself so please be sure to remind her of that.
  2. Casual sex is neither high nor low place in anyone's life. It's an at will proposition as both people wish and no, it's not an obligation to act all relationshipppy and keep daily contact. Same as most of us don't talk to any friend on an every single day basis. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to hang out and then if in the mood to have sex or not. It's also an arrangement that either person is free to end at any time. Literally the definition of friends with occasional benefits. This guy is pushing for more and that has nothing to do with respect or being high or low in anyone's life. If the OP is not interested, she needs to speak up and be firm about it and be sure he gets it that what she said, she meant. Too often, guys don't hear what women are telling them and assume that with a little pushiness, surely she'll change her mind. OP needs to set him straight on that.
  3. First thing is please do not blame yourself. He chose to step out on his marriage all on his own instead being there for you and for his children. That's a serious character flaw. Consider that you both had some hard times, but you didn't run off into another man's arms, didn't cheat, didn't see that as an option. His choices are on him and him alone, including the drinking. It actually stands to reason that he found another alcoholic to shack up with as water seeks its own level. You might not be aware or be in denial, but chances are better than average that he is a functional alcoholic himself. Second is no, do not run after a cheater. His choices are on him and you deserve better. Not only that, but I'd advise you against taking him back once he realizes how much child support will cost him and decides it's cheaper to stick around and stay married. Third, please find a good therapist to help you deal with the divorce and one who understands that leaving your wife and 4 young children at home while he goes off drinking and cheating is a form of abuse and not something to fix but rather something to get away from asap. You need someone in your corner to help you cope and to keep you strong. Finally, get a pitbull lawyer and get a divorce. Life won't be easy, but it will be that much harder on you if you try to cling on to this lousy excuse for a man. Also, do this for your children. Divorce is less damaging to them than watching dad cheat on mom and yes, children always catch on to that. Better to show them that adults can and should part ways when the relationship turns toxic and yours, unfortunately has.
  4. You need to step back and give yourself some breathing room....and her too. The constant contact can literally become addictive, but it is not an indication that this situation is in any way a good idea to get stuck in. Especially when you two are half a world apart and she already told you that she is not into you like that. Unfortunately, I suspect that your confession put her on the spot and left her very uncomfortable in how to respond without totally hurting your feelings or putting you off completely. So she rejected your advance but also softened the blow with the idea that she needs to think about it. The net result is that you are back to being pen pals and chatting away as normal. So don't wait, but do start to give yourself some mental distance and breathing room so you stop being so fixated and addicted to the constant contact with her. Once you do that, your head will clear up. Btw, it's easy to say that you are so in love and yes, it feels like you are. Problem is that relationships only happen in real life face to face. What you have online is 50% fantasy where your brain is literally filling in the gaps that are missing because the person is not in front of you and you both only show to each other the parts that you wish to share. It seems great and romantic and special, because it's not marred by the mundane life stuff like who will take the trash out and why did you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for the umpteenth time and other annoying habits you have to deal with in real life.
  5. Running into an ex is always bound to stir some things up, even if just memories or wishes past. It's normal and not an indication of a problem. Also, it sounds like it was less about the ex specifically and much more about that picture in your mind of what you wanted or still want in terms of a relationship - a certain look.
  6. It's simple - if he were serious about you and regretted breaking up, he would directly ask you about getting back together. He would literally tell you straight up that he is sorry, he made a mistake and he wants the relationship back. He is not doing that. Instead he is just using you to stroke his ego that you are still sitting around after all this time and still pining for his greatness. Good grief, find your self respect, fish your dignity out of the gutter and move on already. Also, yes block him because someone who will dump you doesn't deserve you. He already showed you that he doesn't value you. Why can't you figure out that you deserve better than this guy?
  7. His actions imply that he is looking or hoping something more will come of this. So if you are not interested, it would be a good idea for you to reiterate that you are not interested in more and won't be. Also, you can tell him that you are not into the goodnight/good morning texts and it's weird coming from a friend. When you need to assert boundaries, sometimes you just have to be blunt in a hammer to nail kind of way. If he ignores you and continues to be pushy, you will need to send him packing for good. A large part of asserting boundaries is that you have to be willing to cut people out of your life who insist on trampling them after being warned not to.
  8. OP what you did wrong is act like a completely pathetic doormat and take on her happiness as your personal responsibility. This is truly one of those things where many people would find it hard to respect someone who is so quick to prostrate himself at their feet like...well....a doormat. Her period is not your problem. Neither are her hormones or her cravings. It would be one thing if you happened to be nearby and could bring her something as a nice gesture. Quite another to drop everything and drive back for an hour to cater to the princess who clearly doesn't appreciate your very presence and then continue jumping through hoops and loops trying to please her as she flogs you. You really need to take a huge step back and figure out what's driving your desperate need to please to the detriment of your own dignity and self respect. This relationship dynamic is all kinds of toxic.
  9. We can debate his unemployed status all day long, buuut ^ this is really the only part that matters. OP, he told you pretty bluntly that he is not on board with your marriage plans anymore. This relationship is pretty much over and will only continue as long as you drag this out and keep him around knowing that marriage is not on the table. Even so, don't be surprised if he up and ends this because he needs to go find himself. He is pretty much warning you about that already. You are way too stuck in your plan and your tunnel vision of what you want and when. Meanwhile you are actively ignoring a lot of things about the guy including such a blatant warning shot across your bow. Actually, that's more than a warning shot, you are being torpedoed and you still seem to be in denial and stuck on "I can't believe he isn't proposing." I mean....come on....he already told you he won't.....
  10. .....Yikes.... Saying that he is acting like some frat boy is incredibly disrespectful on your part toward him. It's a snide and insulting attitude toward someone you claim to care about. Worse than that, aside from looking down on him and who he is as a person, you are actually banking that he will suddenly change. News flash....people do not change their personalities. Being outgoing and enjoying socializing isn't some flaw that will go away or that he'll grow out of. This is who he is and quite frankly, being social will serve him well in life. Basically, if you are counting on him changing you are in for great disappointment. The question is, how much of your time are you willing to waste before you find out the hard way that what you see is what you get.
  11. Between the 2 people warning you about him and the giant red flags he has raised about vilifying his ex's AND his own child....you should be sprinting for the nearest exit. This man is some serious bad news.
  12. Yes, ego and massive insecurities. Either way, that's way too much drama coming from an fwb. If I were you, I'd step away from this guy. His behavior is uncalled for and not something you should tolerate.
  13. It's not neglect, it's incompatibility. What he likes to do and how he likes to socialize and spend time with you doesn't fit in with how you are and what you want from a relationship. Neglect would be if he went out with friends and you weren't invited or welcome. However, you simply don't want to join him. That's the definition of incompatibility. Rather than getting into blame games and resentments, would be better to call it a day on this relationship and simply acknowledge that you and him are way too different to be happy and content together. Going forward, look for a guy who is more into being one on one with you rather than out socializing with many. In short, look for someone who is more similar to you in terms of how they socialize and how much. Dating is all about learning who is and isn't right for us in the long run and this is teaching you that a Mr. Alwayssocializing is not your cup of tea and not suitable for you.
  14. No it cannot be salvaged and it should have never gone on this long to begin with. What you describe in terms of qualities you like about her and value, describes most women out there. The fact that you are not physically/sexually attracted to her isn't going to change and yes, as time goes by you will feel more and more repulsed by her. This is not fair to her or to you. Please stop wasting her time and end this yesterday. In short, stop being so selfish and using her companionship while you lust after other women. Enough is enough. Please realize that if you carry on wasting time on her, eventually you will end up cheating on her. She deserves better than that. You also deserve to be with someone you actually feel attracted to who is also everything else you are looking for. Again, with heavy emphasis, your needs are not that unique and she isn't so special that no other woman could live up to that. Attraction and good qualities are not mutually exclusive qualities.
  15. "People who are struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often doubt their own self-worth or sanity. They are usually very concerned about their flaws, failures, and other shortcomings – regardless of whether or not these issues are real. In many cases, they are simply ideas that were planted in their mind by their narcissistic partner. Those struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often have a hard time identifying with reality. Since their minds will be so distorted and confused from the constant abuse and emotional manipulation, they may begin to question what they know to be real." Does ^ describe how you feel? If so, then understand that the only way out of this is to get out of this relationship in a pull off the band aid fast kind of way. You will need to get it together and just get rid of him completely and cut off all contact so he doesn't suck you back in.
  16. With a 2 year old and a newborn, there is no getting away from the stress. At least not for awhile. So rather than accusing your wife of anything, sit down and talk about how you two could alleviate some of the stress with the child rearing. You are both exhausted, so rather than digging deeper into mutual resentments, think of how to dig your way out. Can you get someone to babysit so you two can have a break for a few hours at least once or twice a week? Do you have any family nearby who could pitch in a bit here and there? A 12 hour work shift is a lot, but then a two year old and a newborn is a 24/7 shift that never ends. So yes, she is resentful and can't help it even if she isn't normally like that. The good news is that it will pass as the children grow up a bit. The bad is that in the meantime, every marriage and relationship gets stressed and you both need to find some adult down time to save your sanity and your relationship.
  17. ...Nice people do not make their happiness your problem. In fact they will never ever blame you or put you down for it, let alone imply in any way that you are not enough for them somehow. What you are describing is the opposite of nice and pretty much cruel.
  18. Even so, bad therapists are a dime a dozen. Finding a good one is hard. In your case, you need to leave this guy and I'm willing to bet good money that once you do that, you'll find that you don't need any therapy after all. Doubting yourself and your own sanity is the hallmark of being in an abusive relationship.
  19. You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$. Sure finish my course, then take another, then come back and keep fixing yourself when the real problem is your abusive relationship. *eye roll* Also, what you are describing is exactly what the cycle of abuse looks like in real life. He is nice until he isn't. He does all these wonderful things, then he beats me up (mentally, emotionally, physically or all three). OP, normal relationships don't have these types of ups and downs.
  20. OK, he is NEVER going to stop manipulating and gaslighting you about any of this. He will always put you down, tell you that you are the crazy one, etc. So if he is your source of figuring out what is right and wrong, you will always be in the wrong and he'll make sure of it. YOU need to step aside and away from him. Stop talking to him. If you need a few days, then actually take the weekend to get away from him completely. Go stay with a friend. Don't tell him that there is a problem or that you are leaving because you need to think or anything else such. That will just make him pile on the gaslighting, and lies, and chasing, and telling you whatever to make you stay and make sure that he stays in your head and in control precisely so you can't stop and think for yourself. He has literally taken away your agency and it's on you to take it back and only way is to act and get rid of him.
  21. Sounds like you need to work on accepting that cheating is not and was never about you. You can't drive someone into cheating or keep them away from it, no matter who you are or what you do. It is a character problem in the cheater that you don't control. Super models get cheated on. Nobody is exempt. Only way is to do your best to ensure that the person you are with is a genuinely good person with strong values when it comes to honesty. Not someone who talks about it, but someone who lives it. Something you can see in their actions consistently over time. As for trust, trust is not blind and it's not black and white either. Trust is very much a conditional and a situational thing. When a person acts in ways that are above board, you grant them a certain amount of trust. The more consistent they are, the more you can trust them to act that way. When or if they start going against that, time to roll back your trust as well. Basically, the old "trust but verify" principle or I'll trust you as long as you act in ways that are trustworthy.
  22. I'm glad you realize that this relationship is affecting your mental health. That said....what is it going to take for you to finally leave this abuser? Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and this crazy making is what it looks like. Harsh reality is that most abusers will never hit you, so if you are waiting on that line in the sand, it won't happen. What will happen is that if you don't leave him, eventually you'll end up in the psych ward in the hospital after he drives you to complete mental break down. You know what's worse than that? Waking up one day and realizing how many years you've wasted on this loser that you can never get back. For the love of......get out. I don't care if you have a house or whatever. Walk away. Literally....what's your health worth because it is coming down to that.
  23. Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist. It sounds like you might be living with undiagnosed ADHD and so that will make your life very difficult. It's easy for people to accuse you and say things like you forget because you don't want to do it badly enough. It's about as helpful as telling a person with a broken leg that they could run if they really wanted to. This kind of forgetfulness and lack of impulse control usually are symptoms of a bigger problem that can be treated, managed, and addressed properly so you don't have to live feeling bad and destroying relationships. Feeling bad, worried, or guilty won't help you. Getting proper professional care will change your life for the better.
  24. I'd approach dating a bit less from the "looking for long term" and more just taking it one date at a time getting to know people and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you. It's a bit like building a house - you start out by laying a good foundation and figuring what that actually is. If you get focused on all the details you want in the house, you'll just get overwhelmed. So I'd get a good profile online and just go on dates with an open mind. Don't over chat too much before meeting. Keep initial meetings light and brief and then decide if you want to see them again or not. Don't get fixated on what he is thinking, focus on what you need to learn about him. Also, get involved in things where single guys can be found - coed sports, hiking/outdoors groups, meetup.com may have hobby stuff like that in your area. Tennis is full of single men. So find some venues where you can meet men organically as well and see if you happen to hit it off with someone. The good part about late 20's and 30's is that you have really good options for dating as those who went to grad schools and those who focused on getting their career going are hitting the market looking for marriage and family. So do be aware of that and don't feel like you are behind the curve or something. You are in prime pickings time.
  25. OP, please stop swinging to extremes. Nobody suggested that you should date someone you aren't attracted to. That would be so wrong on so many levels. Physical/sexual attraction to someone is the most basic of threshold musts in dating. That said, there is a difference between only wanting to date a guy who looks like a trophy and dating a guy you feel attracted to but who may seem average to others.
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