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Everything posted by DancingFool

  1. OP, he did end the relationship and that tells you everything you need to know about where you stand with him. The rest is just him using you to get over you. When he keeps chatting you up every single day, he gets the benefit of your friendship, support, companionship without giving anything back to you - commitment and relationship. You are going along with this falsely thinking that he'll realize how great you are and come back. Wrong. People don't value what they get for free and you are allowing him to just use the parts of you he wants and finds convenient. Stop it. Tell him that he can no longer contact you and that you need to heal from the break up. If he ever sorts himself out and wants to try again, he is welcome to reach out. Meanwhile, you do just that - heal and move on. Do not wait on him. If he does reach out and wants to try again, at the very least you'll be able to make a clear headed decision whether he was all that and worth another try or not. It would also give both of you the best chance of reconnecting on a fresh page. One thing to think about is this - even if he came back to you next week wanting a relationship, could you ever trust him with your heart again? What happens next time there is a life event or he gets overwhelmed with what if's? He'll just dump you and run away again? Is that kind of uncertainty something you want hanging over your head like a dark cloud all the time?
  2. Agreeing to sleep with someone you don't know who doesn't even have a proper profile on social media isn't meeting someone organically. What you just did is pretty risky and something you might want to reconsider doing again. One thing that is clear is that you are not cut out for casual sex and that you are really rusty about this whole dating thing and how it works. In this situation in particular, I wouldn't overthink it - he seems to have only been looking to get laid, got it and was done. Keep in mind that you have no idea who he really is, if he possibly has a gf/wife and is cheating, etc. So going forward, be mindful of these types of anonymous profiles and guys willing to go far to get laid. It's not a compliment to you. Above aside, there is a difference between reciprocating and chasing and I think you need to figure out that balance as you get back into dating. Good quality men will not chase you and will expect you to reciprocate interest and effort when it comes to dating and building a relationship. Think of it more like a game of tennis. If either person keeps dropping the ball and never sending it back - game over.
  3. Wonder if your husband would agree that you've been living as "just friends" or if he would be in for quite a surprise at this kind of a description of his marriage. Such a typical cheater line you are using there OP trying minimize your bs while attempting to gain people's sympathy. Anyway, if you cared about your family, you wouldn't have spend the past 12 years cheating on them. Doing the right thing in terms of divorce seems a bit overdue. So yes, get a divorce and if you really care, then walk away with nothing. Let your husband have everything - house, money, pensions, etc. Tell him why. That would be one tiny step in righting over a decade of lies and deceit. Are you prepared to do that? Doubt it. You are too selfish for that. Duping your family is so much more thrilling.
  4. Emily isn't pretending to be mentally ill, she IS 100% mentally ill. On that note, you need to slowly distance yourself from Emily and learn how to recognize someone who is psycho a little faster so you can stay away from such people. On the bright side, anything Emily claims or says, you can easily dismiss as the ramblings of a crazy person. No sane person will ever take Emily seriously anyway. OP, it seems that you've lead a very sheltered life and have little experience with human interactions, including friendships, liking or admiring people, as well as what crazy looks like. This entire situation seems like a crash course in all of that. Platonic love exists and it's very different from sexual desire. You can love your friend who is a female or have deep admiration for someone without any sexual desire. That love doesn't make you gay or bi. People like Emily may come across as very energetic, charismatic, etc. but when you observe them acting crazy it's because they are indeed crazy. They aren't acting, they just are. Look back and learn to see the signs faster because your intuition that this Emily is a dangerous person is correct. You never know when someone who is unhinged will turn on you, so you quietly distance yourself and become very very boring so she looks for company in others and leaves you be. Finally, please make friends outside of work. Life is less messy that way.
  5. It sounds like a fair weather type relationship. Things seemed great when you were fit and able to take care of yourself and him. Although I do suspect that you've ignored some pretty big red flags about him being selfish along the way. Now that a big storm hit your life and you are not well and need to lean on him, you are finding out that he is just that....selfish, self centered and not the type to lend a hand to anyone, even if it's as simple as a run to the grocery store. Hate to say this, but a neighbor you barely know would probably offer to go get things for you faster than your bf. Key word being offer while your bf grumbles and refuses after you have to ask him. Forget what he does or doesn't share with his family. That's a red herring. Their dynamic between them is not about you. However, him grumbling or refusing to so much as go get groceries for you.....that's all the information you need to show him out the door. There are no excuses for that level of selfishness.
  6. After just 5 weeks, you have no idea who she really is. None. It's important that you wrap your mind around that. It's not who you have gotten to know, it's who you imagine she was and turns out that who you imagined is not who she is. She didn't just pull away like that, she was already pulling away, she just didn't inform you and even once she did, it was super passive aggressive and left you kind of hanging and confused. It would have been kinder had she simply told you she lost interest. What you came across is a very classic, "what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast" situation. It may feel all kinds of wonderful and intense and downright intoxicating that this person is soooo into you, but if you step back....she didn't really know you enough to be that into you. It was a lot of fluff and smoke and mirrors. Not saying that she is intentionally evil, simply that you both got caught up more into the idea of this being all that rather than reality of it. Anyway, after barely a month and change, no you do not wait, you move on. You were barely starting to get to know each other and now she is done. So, best that you move on, work on yourself and whatever issues that were raised by this brief encounter so that when you are more ready, you can be a good bf to the right woman and balanced enough to move at a more steady pace.
  7. ^This in a nutshell. OP, fantasizing out loud about your sister or your friends is creepy af and this creep should be history. Also, he is totally gaslighting you by trying to blame his creepy behavior on ADHD. That's a truckload of utter bs. On a side note, don't tell people about how you are insecure or have low self esteem hoping that others will respect that and take care of you. Predators like this creep will only use that information to manipulate you and take advantage of you. Nobody can take care of you and your well being except for you, so please learnt to listen and trust your inner voice when it's screaming at you that something is wrong. It's the ONLY voice that matters in your life. If it's wrong to you, then it is wrong. If you voice your concerns and get disregarded or told that you are wrong....your only action then to show them out the door and bolt it shut behind them. Once you start exercising that power, you'll find that you no longer feel so low because you don't have people in your life who are abusing you anymore.
  8. OP, this is the sort complex situation that is way beyond the help of random unqualified strangers on advice boards. Your best course is to speak to a good child psychiatrist specifically about how to respond to your daughter when she is threatening you, how to handle yourself and where to draw boundaries and how. You need that advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about, have direct experience and education helping parents like yourself. Also, agree with your daughter needs counseling to help her deal with the abuse and trauma as well. Understand that children who grow up with an abusive parent tend to want to please that abusive parent, which is counter intuitive to you and hard to understand. Again, why you need professional help to learn how to navigate this.
  9. You absolutely did the right thing by ending this with him. If there is anything to learn from this is don't ever again do the above. Do not mother a grown man you are dating. Instead, pay attention to his actions and if what he does and how he lives doesn't align with your values, just walk away. OP, there is a huge difference between being supportive toward someone who is working their tail off to get their life into gear and trying to push, pull, and coax someone into being who you want them to be. In the former, the person wants to on their own. In the latter, they don't want to change their life at all and then yes, you are being annoying to them because they don't have a problem with how they are living. Finally, please please pay attention to how his family is for next time. His mother is committing fraud in his name and doing everything for him. Given that's how he was raised and how he is being kept, you should NOT be surprise that he is a lousy human being who feels entitled to do whatever and not work. Why should he? You were beyond right to dump him and your only mistake is that you didn't do it sooner.
  10. So what? Quiet and shy people find good partners all the time. Relationships aren't reserved strictly for extroverts. However, you do need to be willing to get out and find some things to do that will open up your horizons and the potential of meeting people - hobbies, hiking groups if you like outdoors are full of single guys, co-ed sports, volunteering, etc. Also, you are not all that shy when you are willing to invite a guy over for a hook up. That's pretty ballsy there. There is a big difference between insecure and willing to latch onto to whatever and too shy to function. Methinks you aren't being very honest with yourself about your real motivations and until you do sit down and sort yourself out properly, you'll continue to have garbage results when it comes to dating.
  11. He is a child, he is also a misogynist and he isn't going to change, OP. He is never going to pull his weight around the house because he sees that as "woman's job" and that you should just shut up and do it and yes, if you dare to rebel, he'll have a tantrum and gaslight you back into compliance. He also doesn't see what you do for a living as work. So the question for you is why are you staying with him? Start looking for a place and a roommate if you need to and live in peace. Ultimately, it will be cheaper for you and easier as you'll be able to take care of yourself better without this dead weight around your neck sucking the life out of you.
  12. OP, how are you planning on dating someone who isn't into you that way??? I'd change those plans if I were you. Also, consider why you seem to chase after guys who are not that into you? I suspect that while you are busy doing that, you are probably ignoring more mature guys who would make a great bf and who are actually into you. What's attracting you to the insecure, immature guy who brags about other women to you? Granted, I still think that he is simply treating you like a pal and this is nothing more than locker room chatter among platonic friends.
  13. You don't deal with them, OP, you get a divorce. Be sure you get a lawyer who is experienced in handling narcs as they are indeed a special breed of sadistic psycho. Leave, do not speak to him, let your lawyer handle him completely. To put it very simply, it's not that he doesn't know he is hurting you or driving you completely crazy, it's that he loooooves doing it, is doing it intentionally, and literally gets off on it. The more you react the better for him. There is a lot of advice on if you absolutely must deal with a narc, you have to master being a grey rock, i.e. no reaction no matter the provocation. Easier said than done and its own special kind of hell. He knows you, he's studied you, he knows exactly how to manipulate you and what buttons to push to get a rise out of you and as you try to "grey rock" him, he will just increase his efforts to break you down and get a reaction anyway. It's a losing game for you. In short, you don't deal, you get away for good. Kick them out of your life and no contact forever. If you have children and have to share custody, then stick strictly to parenting apps and again, no contact outside of app and schedule. Do not speak to them. Narcs are like cancer - if you want to survive, you have to cut them out completely and ruthlessly.
  14. Stop making excuses for him and start facing reality - he is an abusive bully to others and you too. There is no surprise that he turned on you and attacked you fast when you dared to tell him that he is in the wrong. He is, btw. Overall, you are 100% correct that you need to rethink your life. You are working more than a slave and seem to have zero appreciation for that. As for keeping the status quo for your daughter.....what exactly is the status quo exactly for her? She is being raised by strangers in daycare. She barely sees her exhausted mother who is literally worked to the bone and her father is an absent abusive ahole. Is that the status quo you want to preserve? What example are you setting for her? Work yourself to death, clean and cater to an abusive husband, men don't need to lift a finger to do anything because they are special snowflakes, right? Would you wish your life as it is right now on her? If not, better start making some drastic changes and show her a better way. Kids learn not from your words, but from your example.
  15. Sorry but there is nothing grown up or healthy about trailing a bunch of ex's as "friends" behind you. That's not friendship, that's baggage and most people will see it as that. Learning to let go is part of actual maturity and in that regard you are more mature and sensible than your friends.
  16. When he disappeared, it's because he was busy with someone else. Since that didn't work out, he is back pinging you to see if you are still sitting around pining for him to soothe his ego. OP, when someone dumps you they lose the privilege of your friendship and companionship as well. Ending relationships has consequences. So please don't bother responding or if you do, it should only be "please stop contacting me, thanks". If he doesn't respect that, block him for good.
  17. Please don't put the cart 100 miles in front of the horse. You've barely talked and had a one nice date. That's way way way too soon to be thinking long term anything. In fact, unless he asks for another date, you have nothing to think about at all. Sloooow yourself down. You don't know him at all and have a long ways to go before you get to know him enough to make that kind of judgment, assuming he asks for another date in decent time. Also, pay attention to red flags as he raised some. One that stands out in particular is badmouthing people in his life - his brother in law, his ex. Beware of people who do that as you are liable to find out the hard way that the seemingly nice guy is the actual toxic person who drives people around him crazy. Keep a careful eye on that and don't take it as "cute" or proof of him being a good guy. Good people don't badmouth others, especially to someone they are just meeting.
  18. Are you being crazy? No. Are you in a bit of denial about what a cheating pos your husband really is and has always been? Yes. Remember that whatever you stumble onto is always just the tip of the iceberg with cheaters. So yes, your instincts have been right all along and you should listen to them. By that I mean get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him. Also, get tested for all STD's. Life is so much better when you don't have that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is off eating away at you.
  19. When you are contemplating getting a third job so you can hang on to and support a leech....I think you've completely lost the plot on what a good relationship looks like. Sorry to be so blunt. There is nothing that you can say to him because he is not interested in getting a job and changing the status quo. Why should he? He gets to sit home and do absolutely nothing while you work 2-3 jobs to support him and pay his bills. You've got to admit that he has one heck of a good deal going with you and no matter what, you will not get rid of him. You whine a bit, he blocks you, you keep working paying his bills, he keeps living off you, you make bs excuses for him being a leach and a user and he keeps living high on the hog. Also, serious question - what does he do all day long when you are working that much? It's very clear he is not actually applying to any jobs and he is not taking care of his mental health either. Truly the only way is for you to tell him that you can no longer afford to keep him and he needs to move out by x date. See how quickly he gets a job or dumps you and moves in with someone else as you are no longer of use to him. I'm sorry, OP, but this relationship of yours is entirely parasitic. You really need to think long and hard why you are tolerating this and even defending it by asking people not to tell you the obvious - dump him.
  20. Doesn't sound like your wife is the inactive schlep you are making her out to be. It does, however, sound like you are way more infatuated with this other woman than you care to admit. Is it enough to break up your marriage over? Nobody can tell you that. Talking to a divorce lawyer might be sobering for you in terms of what life might be like post divorce financially and whether those trips abroad will still be feasible or not. Anyway, this doesn't sound like anything to do with biking and a lot to do with the fact that you are taking your wife for granted, don't value her and are itching to check out a new flavor. All I can say is whatever you do, don't cheat. If you are certain that your marriage is done, then be kind and just get a divorce.
  21. OP, I'll just echo what someone else said because it's worth repeating - you are not responsible for her as we speak. Also, she is not lost and isolated in some foreign land. She is living with her family and is far from alone. Care is available to her but she chooses not to go. Support is available to her and think about it rationally - her parents are supporting her and letting her live with them for 2 years and going even though she is perfectly capable of getting a job. They are not the monsters she makes them out to be. In the US, it's not common for adult kids to live with mom and dad and be supported like that. Also, if she lied to her family about getting her degree, this is not so much her depression as it is her ego. She can't admit that she failed something or needs to go back to complete it later. Instead, she is pretending, lying to people, and hoping to get away with it instead of dealing with her life and getting a job or actually doing something concrete about finishing her thesis. This has nothing to do with depression and a lot to do with major character flaws in her. On that note, by hanging around, you are actually enabling her self destructive behavior. As long as she thinks that she'll just move in with you and live off you, she can continue to play drama games and keep lying to people, including you. You are actually stopping her from getting a grip on herself and doing what she needs to do to get on with her life. Btw, vague threats that she might kill herself is emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep you on the hook and feeling responsible even though you are not. There is literally nothing that you can do for her from abroad and even if you were near her, still all you could do is call for an ambulance if you know where she is. I would tell her honestly that this is not working out and then block her from all contact. Don't keep reaching out to check up on her or try to stay friends in any way. This is both for your and her well being. Make a completely clean break and be done. Let her family and doctors deal with her issues because that's what she really needs - professional help. Quasi-dating you long distance is allowing her to avoid that.
  22. Also I agree with this. Given your past relationship history, do be sure to stay centered and keep your feet on the ground. After abuse, anyone showing some basic human decency can seem as way more than they really are just because you are absolutely starved for it.
  23. The reason I say just ask him a sort of neutral question is because unless he is completely dense, given your connection, he'll read between the lines. This gives him a nice opportunity to either reject you very softly by telling you that he never would cross that line or that he would with the right person, which then opens room for asking for a date. Don't try to read tea leaves and don't keep getting more enmeshed only discover later that he never saw you as more than a friend he enjoys talking to.
  24. So you didn't value her, treated her like dirt, took her for granted, cheated on her, and dumped her.....and you are surprised that she moved on? In your mind she should be sitting around pining for your greatness? Which part? The cheating part? The taking her for granted part? The being a sleazy low life part? Which part of you she should be missing? Your sense of entitlement is mind boggling.
  25. Even so, I'd just ask him a simple question about how he feels about dating a student of his. It will allow you some easy perspective without necessarily putting yourself and your friendship with him on the line. Depending on how he responds, you can take it from there.
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