Kerry237

Oh also I forgot to mention - he is open to going to therapy and has been to therapy in the past. He said that after his last round of therapy (before we met) he felt that he was secure so he's confused as to why the avoidant strategies are creeping back in... I've told him how much I want him to try therapy again and he has agreed to go.

Sounds like he is playing mind games with you and trying to gain control in whatever way he can. The sporadic communication is a tactic to manipulate you and the article you found on his computer confirms that his intentions are to control you rather than have an open, honest and trusting relationship. From what you've described I would not trust this guy at all and would recommend that you end the relationship ASAP before he takes any more control.

Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply; I wasn't expecting so much feedback! It's been really helpful and I know I have a lot to consider. I've essentially told myself I'm going to give it another 3 months but that if we get to the 1 year mark and he still isn't able to answer questions/have the tougher conversations and reassure me that we do want the same things and agree on a timeline for those... then I know I will have to somehow force myself to move on. I guess what's kept me hopeful is that he's always said (generally) that he does want to get married and have kids; he will say things like "when I'm married..." or "when I have a kid..." He just hasn't started saying "when we" yet... maybe he never will 😞 What's also keeping me in the relationship is a deep fear that I wouldn't meet someone else who wants to settle down anyway because the dating pool at this age is FULL of avoidant men! It feels like searching for a needle in a haystack and although this relationship isn't giving me all the security and reassurance I need, it still feels a much better prospect than returning to wade through a very muddy dating pool.

I am in a 9 month relationship with a man who is aware that he has an avoidant attachment style. Despite his being very uncomfortable with emotions, he is able to say he loves me and shows me his love in other non-verbal ways. We get along wonderfully and everyone who knows us comments on how well matched we are, but they aren't aware of his fear of longer-term commitment. I'm not worried about him ever cheating on me, just that he's so afraid of progressing the relationship to a more serious level that he will back out, sabotage it, withdraw from it and move on to something new that takes the pressure off. He says he is aware of his attachment style and is trying his best to change it, but at the age of 39 he is still not ready to settle down, move in together, or think about the prospect of marriage or children. He says he does ultimately want those things, but he doesn't know when he will be ready. I'm 33 so I don't have a huge amount of time to wait around to have children - I don't know if I'm being foolish sticking with him and taking the risk that he might never be ready? Should I just be more patient with him and enjoy living in the moment? I love him so much it's too hard to walk away but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice my chances of having children before it's too late and I'm then faced with fertility issues.