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1a1a

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About 1a1a

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  1. Still feeling guilty about not telling her about the first fire attack. I stand by my reasons (seeing no point in adding to her worry, also dreading the inevitable debut of this news on her drama Facebook channel). But if I’d comprehended that 3 days later they’d be back to finish the job *shakes head* There is this tiny handful of clothing items I grabbed the night I found out about the first fire attack, they sit in my hallway reminding me that I knew and I said nothing. At some point she’ll come to collect them, they’ll remind her that I knew and I said nothing. Guilt intensifies.
  2. Find and read the book He’s Scared She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, I think you will find it to be helpful
  3. All in all considered, probably nothing. I think I see your angle Batya, my reaction to her lack of action belies a lack of altruism in my motivations. What was in my conscious mind when I took initiative and assumed responsibility for the cats and the things in the house was that she would be pretty gutted to realise she'd lost them in a mental health episode, when she gets through to the other side. Maybe I had internalised an idealised notion of her having a support network to cushion the blow too, like the protagonist in the show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Which, in other words, sheltering
  4. Sense of loyalty, tendency to be overly helpful (I wouldn’t say I’m at people pleaser levels of helpful, because I don’t tend to agree to do things I don’t to do, but becoming invested in other peoples problems definitely something I’ve observed in other areas of my life, especially work), the absence of anyone else helping in a meaningful way, mild guilt that I got a stable enough family of origin to have no debilitating mental health issues. I’m just spitballing. I appreciate being nudged to explore this angle as I find it helpful for detaching.
  5. She directly messages me and adds me to group chats focused on solving her problems ah hah *groan* I have noticed people who I would consider her close friends have been conspicuously absent. I ended up being contacted by one of them after the argument that resulted from me not telling her about the fire as soon as I knew. This friend and another of her close friends have been talking to each other about her situation, whilst not getting involved directly. And she mentioned on that first night they considered calling triage (mental health services) on her, but hesitated, and regretted
  6. *thinks more* about the power dynamic where I started doing things for her. I think that came in a vacuum of her crying to me about how they haven’t happened (seeking emotional validation for all the bad things that are happening, but it doesn’t land well with me because I think she’s amplifying drama and then I feel guilty because we argue), the cats, the house things, not contacting the landlord. She tried to get me to write a letter of eviction for her brother last week (I didn’t, that needs to come from her). Not defending, trying to work out how and why I got here so next time I don’t.
  7. The co dependent behaviour could be a thing. The feeling like I’m trying to make it about me feels a little unfair though, is that because I have feelings about it that I’m sharing here? I’m unpacking my thoughts anonymously online I’m not asking her to think about them.
  8. You ask the good questions. On a conscious level, I think I stepped up to help because in the vacuum where her family should be I am a hopeful believer in the ability of the family we choose to be a support in times of crisis. The family is absent, she's been a great support to me in the past, this is her foul weather. She is not normally like this, I think we've known each other a good 6 years now so there's been a long time to build rapport and good faith. On a subconscious level, could be tied in with my own tendency to hoard, could be related to a fear of rejection. I was pr
  9. An update; against everyone's wisdom I didn't back away. Subsequently I ended up with the cats (handballed their care to my housemate who is delighted because she really wanted a cat and I was flat out against it). I offered to move her things out for her and store them at my place (yes I know, there's some white knight complex thing going on there I think, I didn't know you could white knight for someone you don't want to have sex with but there you go, I have stuff to unpack). She gave me a soft no. I was so vexed by it 4 days later I asked again. Over the last week we've had a few arguments
  10. I think, maybe, yes. And now one of two things can happen. Either you can make yourself remember what you love about her and remember how it felt the first time you kissed and reignite your passion for her, or this relationship has run it’s natural course and the spark won’t come back, in which case, love is not enough and you need to set her free. But you love her, lower case l, so may as well have a crack at trying to remember why she excites you. Esther Perel has good insights about this https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship/up-n
  11. You tell him once that you are sorry you gave him the wrong impression. You think he’s rad (only if you think he’s rad) but you’re not interested in him romantically and until his crush feelings fade you’re going to block his number and go no contact. Wish him well if you do, then block, and if he reaches you through another medium under no circumstances should you reply. The only way you can ween him off of you is by going completely silent. Sucks, but that’s how it is. He’s shown you with the mountain of texts that he’s too anxious and invested in a certain outcome to wait for reciprocity fr
  12. You need to feel like your life partner feels you are a priority. How can you ever feel like that when he priorities you below the wants of his family? You need a partner who doesn’t abandon you downstairs by yourself in a hostile household. Also to do yourself a favour and never give that family your precious time again, they don’t deserve your company
  13. My main thing id be wary of is his lack of curiosity about you as a person. Maybe ask him about it next time ‘I’m interested in you but I find it off putting that you don’t really seem curious about me’ There was an Indian I went on a few dates with who didn’t ask me and I said at the end of the first date that my interest was piqued but the lack of curiosity about me was disconcerting. The second date we had he did ask me more questions and I felt like the flow of conversation that date was really good. Third date he was back to talking at me. It subsequently fizzled.
  14. He’s Scared She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It might not apply to your situation at all but that being blindsided by a loss of interest, it will cover that.
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