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1a1a

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  1. Nooooope. Don’t persist in dating someone where secretly you are hoping they’ll change x y z about themselves! You made the right choice the first time, now you just have to navigate that post relationship loneliness by remembering who you are.
  2. Oh no, the mooole, and as you were actively trying to avoid it too! You remind me, in the aftermath of my pet step death my dad told me about how his mum stood on the family budgie once with the same outcome. It is strangely consoling to know Nog has good company. Thank you all for the support. I feel mostly back on an even keel now (grief really is like waves, it collides with you and then ebbs away) but hoooo boy in the moment, I was gone. Writing it all out here and being able to hear your perspectives helped me not get swept away.
  3. I just bumped into the partner of a person I worked with a couple of years ago, who ended up being reprehensibly awful to me. Thinking about that lead to me thinking about how so much time has past I’m not angry like I was. Then I remembered how that job was the last minute job on top of many other jobs that meant I was really worked off my feet at that point in time and not giving my rats much attention and not getting done this tedious administrative task that a client kept asking for (that I had already done once and posted and the useless post system lost my mail instead of delivering it). Lead to me remembering that within a very close time frame from the encounter with this awful client one night I dragged my two old and sleepy rats out of their cage for some free time while I was home to give it to them, finally got that admin task done and as I stood up to grab the last thing from the printer I stood on Nog. I realised and got off her but it was too late, she spasmed and died in my hands and i howled like the women do in the small villages when the son has died. Ohhhhhhh I don’t want to remember this! The anger might have faded but the grief is still there
  4. Rape is the only word we have for a whole spectrum of sexual encounters that don’t yield good feelings afterward and I know it feels weird calling this rape. Especially if he had been drinking too. But sober him knew sober you didn’t want to go there anymore and, like you, hopefully he too learns the lesson that you don’t get in close quarters with someone your better self knows doesn’t want to have sex because once the chemistry kicks in sex is likely to happen (that’s assuming good faith of him, this could also have been a calculated move which would mean he’s high predatory and very not a good person. Either way, you know to steer well clear of him going forward). I’m sorry you had an encounter like that. Certainly add this knowledge to your data set and make different choices next time but please don’t beat yourself up about this time. Your friend still acted without integrity. A real friend (or actually any decent human being) could have hosted you drunk and not taken it somewhere sexual.
  5. If nothing else you two have definitely learned you’re incompatible. It’s not unreasonable for you to want your significant other to acknowledge you. This guy wasn’t doing that, you can do better but don’t expect him to spontaneously combust into someone who can match your level of interest.
  6. I just learned yesterday that some medications make you burn faster. (Not assuming you’re on any meds at the moment, but if you are, maybe it’s one of the ones that makes you burn). In the description for the video there are a couple of links about photosensitivity, save you watching the whole video.
  7. Don’t ghost Josh, tell him you aren’t feeling the romantic feelings and it’s over. Then you can vanish but do him the courtesy of ending it first!
  8. I might have missed something in the telling but it seems like he lost interest and then he let you know. The letting you know part is painfully rare these days and the fact that he did instead of ghosting or stringing you along would fall under the category for good treatment for me. Still always a bummer to be rejected, and worse when the person chooses someone else in your world.
  9. If you don’t want an open relationship, then you and this man (who both does and is in one right now) are fundamentally incompatible. This is moot because you two are incompatible but if you seriously wanted to progress a long distance relationship then some kind of plan to close the distance is required.
  10. I’d question if in your heart of hearts you’re actually reluctant to form a meaningful relationship with someone. Vulnerability means you can be hurt. By staying crushed on people who don’t reciprocate you keep yourself safe from ever being vulnerable like that. I’d recommend reading the book he’s scared she’s scared but Stephen carter and Julia Sokol. You might find it insightful
  11. You did the right thing.
  12. There’s nothing for it, you’ll have to tell her on her lunch break. There is no nice way to cushion news like this, just rip the band aid off, tell her you aren’t feeling the spark anymore. She’s gonna be sad, you’ve got to let her deal with that herself.
  13. Dating is a bit like consent, hold out for an enthusiastic yes. Luke warm is as good as no.
  14. If he sincerely believes that then he is in no place to be dating anyone. If it’s him trying to let you down gently then he isn’t feeling it and he doesn’t draw this out and hurt you more. Either way, this one isn’t a good match for you. The final part of successful dating I think is assimilating and acting upon the information once you have it, that the other person is a bad match.
  15. I probably would have had this emotional reaction to the lack of one on one contact too. (And then also been reluctant to go that far out of my way to pick someone up. You need to have a well established friendship built on give and take to weather a crisis I think and it sounds like this one was already skewed to her taking). Not saying this reaction is the right one, but plenty sympathetic to it. A cue for both of us to be bigger next time we encounter a friend in crisis I think. (I add, you could be free of the bruised ego component and still decline to give her a lift if that’s time you can’t spare on short notice. Maybe you would offer to chip in for a taxi instead if you had cash spare, maybe you wouldn’t if you didn’t. 4 hours of driving is a big ask.)
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