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Everything posted by 1a1a

  1. You’ve made it this far, with less support than average. I think you are mighty and I’m sorry the burden of solitude feels so unbearable at this time. First things first, are you well fed? Are you hydrated? Are you getting enough sleep?! These are small kindnesses you can do for yourself. On a day when you’ve had an excellent night’s sleep and eaten a delicious breakfast (or wait till lunch if you are not a breakfast person), I hope you sit down and do some brainstorming to see how you might be able to make some more connections with humans who like and value your presence in their lives (you might not have met them yet but I am so so certain they are out there). Co signing get a mental health care professional on board too if you can (and if you cannot afford that, at least make friends with the woebot on Facebook. It’s just a little mental health care AI but sometimes if you tell it you’re feeling really bad it will ask you a question that helps you zoom out from the thing that’s bringing you down and see a bigger, less depressing picture).
  2. Just dropping by from the other side of ‘heart shattered into a million pieces’ to say it does get better, I promise. One day you’ll be on an even keel and wonder why you were ever so bothered by this loss. It took me a looooong time and a whole boat load of life experiences to get there so it might not be the fastest process but it shall happen. And, regardless of if you lose him or he comes back when he’s cooled down, you absolutely should take steps now to diversify your happiness. I was doing the same thing, relying on this one person for everything. In hindsight I don’t think he got to date a very good version of me. I’m a better person now my legs are strong and I can stand on my own.
  3. I passed an ex at the supermarket and he was with a cute alterno girl (he’s an alterno boy). This relationship ending was such a savage painful one that I grieved for so long and knitted myself back together and it’s been so many years and for a long time now I’ve been able to be cordial with him (we work together sometimes) and say bye at the end of the shift and feel nothing, it’s been glorious. But today I feel twinge. Do I feel this twinge because the person I’m waiting to see (he’s stuck overseas but we both wanted to maintain regular contact and reunite and so we both wait and talk daily) is no alterno boy at all? It’s like there goes the idea I had in my head for what I’d look like as a couple and here walks past my ex and his lady friend looking exactly how I thought I would. It’s bummed me out.
  4. To break the mental association you might need to enlist the aid of a mental health professional. Psychologist, social worker or counsellor would be my recommendation.
  5. If the door is closed it’s not your door. Time to distance yourself from your sisters and make space and time in your life for people who highly enjoy your company I think.
  6. That’s a gross amount of pushiness after you said you were busy. That would make me feel too uncomfortable and kill my attraction personally.
  7. If nothing changes at all, how long would you want to keep dating this person? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years, sharing your boyfriend with this other woman who you feel doesn’t respect you (a feeling I’d agree with frankly). Your boyfriend knows it makes you uncomfortable and insecure and instead of changing his behaviour to reassure you he’s doubled down. You no doubt don’t want to police his friendships, and you know that left to his own devices he will invest a lot of energy into his friendship with this woman who wants more from him. Is this the person you want to have for your forever person?
  8. How did you all shift your thinking from recovery attempts to letting go? (I’m guessing having insurance would help with that)
  9. First someone lifted two expensive mixing consoles from the front seat of my van (in the drive, not locked, bad habit.) That’s $6k out the door but I was glad they didn’t take the whole car or the rest of the audio gear or my laptop. Two weeks later to the day my laptop is gone from my desk in the morning. So is my Apple Watch, a couple of days later I realise my old iPhone is no where to be found either. On discovery day I use find my phone and see the watch is at a strange address in another suburb. It’s not enough information for the police to visit though. In fact, the cops really sucked on d day, first two I tried to report the theft (over the phone and then at a useless station) to wouldn’t make a report because my housemates were home and it’s all just a bit too suspicious isn’t it?! Second police station took me seriously and took down the serial numbers of my laptop and watch and said the address is a huge apartment complex and you probably won’t get those items back. I keep looking online hoping to see them for sale but nope. I want them to come back a third time and be caught on cameras they can’t see so I’ve been doing lots of searching for good camera options and ways to hide them. I want them to come back a third time and take my replacement laptop but really it’s dead with a proper car tracker hidden inside and it can lead me back to them with accuracy so I can get everything else back. But how do I con them into thinking im still lax with security so they take the bait? Not keen on leaving the front door open. But surely a laptop on a porch is too good to be true and no one would fall for that! Do I bring the van back out and leave it on the seat again?!!! This is taking up so much space in my brain and I hate it! And to ice the cake, I asked the staff at the Apple store about accuracy of the gps today and they said ‘all you can do is brick the devices’. So I don’t get to enjoy them and neither does the thief. I kind of want to knock on the 4 apartment doors that line up with the address and ask them if they found anything. Not accuse of theft, play the best faith card. Show them the location on the find my phone app and see what shakes loose but then they’ll know I know their address so they won’t come back a third time. If they don’t come back a third time I can’t trick them into taking the dead laptop containing a tracker
  10. Become a broken record. ‘Friend I love you dearly but I can’t hear about this subject anymore. Have you considered speaking to your mental healthcare professional about it? (If she says yes tell her she might need to find a different one as the current one doesn’t seem to be making progress in bringing her to an even keel). I’ll talk to you about anything else’. Make that boundary and enforce it every time you speak. If you feel like it, you could change it to ‘I can’t talk about this ad infinitum with you anymore. I recommend making use of the mental health professional and I’m down for 5 minutes of vent per catch but after that we have to change the subject. ‘ if she won’t respect the subject change leave ‘friend I’ve told you I’m at my absolute limit for this subject and you’re still laying it on me so I’m going to leave for today, let’s try again next time’. Just one thing if the ex is a cheater he maybe would do more awful, manipulative things, best not to say anything one way or the other on that. I invalidated a friend going through an awful time when she was ragging on her brother but she had to live with him, she knows him best. If I was wrong then she had that invalidation from me on top of everything .
  11. Hello fellow Aussie, while you’re in lock down do some brainstorming and make a list of what social hobbies and classes you want to try once it lifts. Do the research, find out where they are, are there any that are free? Are there some that are in your price range?!! Find out when terms start if that’s relevant. Make the plan to attend, not all at once, as few or as many as take your fancy per month. I do bachata and the other dancers are pretty different to me so I haven’t ended up with any friends or cute boys out of it but you will have met every person of the opposite gender by the time class is done because you change partners regularly (waaaaaaay better than swing dancing where you have to bring your own). Set yourself a much lower stakes challenge when you attend these social hobby things of talking to new people. That is all. If you find a person or few that you enjoy chatting to then invite them on a friend date, coffee in town, mutual interest you both have, or you could invite a group out or to your place for dinner. It’s scary and expect a lot of people to have lives that are already too full up to make room for another friend but just like romance it’s a numbers game. I’m thinking about the friends I have now, two I wooed, with invitations to coffee and walking on the beach respectively, two wooed me (with invites to go walking and watch a movie we’d been talking about respectively) For finding company online, I haven’t dabbled but discord and twitch seem very sociable and if you like gaming get a headset and find an online game where people can talk to each other while they play. My old housemate hardly ever sees his friends but he talks to them near daily playing games. 800 cases a day sucks, dammit Gladys! One thing you can do in lock down is invite existing friends (where ever they live) or friendly acquaintances for a phone call at a set date and time. I hate calls but I don’t mind them if I’m walking so I like to walk and talk but my Melbourne friend sits in the yard and drinks wine while we catch up. This won’t be forever, you’ll find your tribe of that I’m certain!
  12. Co signing cut your mum out. Keeping her close is like holding onto uranium, bad for you in the present and bad for you in the long run. Also maybe just once have that awkward conversation with your partner where you explain your mum seeks only to harm you and you need your partner to support you through that, not take your mum’s side. That her taking your mum’s side cuts even deeper than your mum’s cruelty. Also here to say you are a strong person, to have had to grow up in such a hostile environment with adults who don’t just let you down but actively hurt you. And you’ve matured and gotten away from them and done the work of healing and are much more kind and loving to your own kids. Mad respect! (I realise this doesn’t answer the question. No one can know the answer. Assume she hurts you because she enjoys doing so).
  13. Nah, things are already ruined because this sounds like a wish-washy, commitment conflicted man. If you pull away, he’ll chase, if you let him in, he’ll lose interest and pull away. Find and read the book He’s Scared She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Consider letting this one go because he’s too insecure in every respect of the word.
  14. I like the idea of inviting her to connect with you on your level (day time coffee, alchohol free zone). But only if you still like her enough to want to maintain some kind of connection. And not on this trip by the sounds of it. This trip if you’re too wiped out doing the things you came to do tell her as much. If she pushes that boundary I for one would feel steadily less friendly towards her. If you’re already beyond being on your last nerve with her could do the kindness of the formal breakup text (don’t give reasons just say it doesn’t feel right anymore) or quietly fade away.
  15. I think I’m trying to say my reaction was driven more by instinct than intellect. https://www.interaction-design.org/literature/article/our-three-brains-the-reptilian-brain No, I don’t have tools, that’s why I made the post asking if people can point me in the direction of acquiring them (thank you for the starting point La Hermes). Since you mention it, tools for dealing with irritation would definitely be useful. I was paraphrasing the encounter a bit, I didn’t actually call him a bully, I think I said something like ‘are you going to apologise for the way you were talking to my friend’. A completely superfluous thing to add to the encounter. So yeah, stuck on wanting to be right, how do I shift away from that? That’s not a perspective I’d considered DancingFool. Do you mean in my head I’m not giving people enough credit to own their actions/assuming too much responsibility? Jibralta, I laughed, audibly 😄 Yes and no on the knowing, we’d met before and had a good conversation. I remembered him, I don’t think he remembered me. I know $10 is low but $10 is what he had to spare. Neither of us asked to buy art, this was a solid cold canvas and to expect people to be able to part with $100 spontaneously is just as outrageous to me. Save expensive art sales for those who can afford philanthropy! On the lack of street savvy. I think both of us are lacking in that front but you don’t usually need it in my city. Although I did a way better and more persistent no than my friend did, so maybe I’m a smidge closer to having it (but then I got sucked into wanting to be right, so fail). On the strategy of walking away, my friend was in the midst of digging around his bag trying to work out if he’d left his laptop charger behind at school so he was a bit trapped by that task. I could have walked away but I’d have been leaving him crouched on the ground with an angry, entitled, cold canvassing, art seller berating him. Appreciating the different perspectives, thank you.
  16. Only here to add that I did not realise how much damage I was incurring staying with a miserable, self loathing man. It took a nice rebound relationship and then 5 soul crushing years of singledom to stoke the fire of myself back up to an intensity that was self sustaining. If he remains unwilling to level up himself and change what he’s bringing to your partnership then I would say it’s run it’s course and staying will do you active harm.
  17. Does anyone have any advice or recommendable resources for learning how to do the above? Example: the other day a local First Nations man who creates good art and then cold canvases people on the street to buy it for not insignificant amounts of money, approached my friend and I. Actually I’ve bought art from him before but he gave no indication he remembered me. This time I don’t have cash to splash and after reiterating that to him a few times he switches to asking my friend who goes as far as to say ‘how much?’ ‘$100’ ’I could give you $10’ ’$10?! ********* $10?!!’ *insert torrent of agitation bordering on aggression here because, I think, this man has heard your art is worth $10 and it’s a trigger. I can see he’s getting aggressive and I interject to explain that there is a difference between saying his art is worth $10 and being able to drop $100 on art on the street, the whole time I’m talking at him, he’s talking at my friend bullying him into giving him a $10 donation. My friend gives him the $10 and I tell him to apologise to my friend for being such a rude bully which he kind of does and I offer him a fist bump and off he goes, muttering under his breath about ******** $10. I’m left to ponder what the heck just happened there and what was I trying to achieve?! I wanted him to stop bullying my friend into giving him money. But then maybe that’s extra selfish, my friend and I are both in comfortable enough positions that we aren’t cold canvassing buyers for our artwork on the street. I feel ashamed for what I brought to the interaction. How do I train myself up so my knee jerk reaction in situations like that is deescalation? I feel like my ego was in the drivers seat, intent on trying to make him empathise with the people who aren’t buying his art today. Bigger picture, what is so bad about us giving him a $10 donation? (Remembering that at the end of the day I like his art and hope he makes more). I suppose what I hate is how he bullied that money out of my friend. I’d like to have tools to face the angry man where we get out of the situation without having to pay him to leave. (But not just this example, there’s been other times my r complex has been triggered and I’ve focussed on trying to get the aggressor to realise I’m right when at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, who cares what they think?! I care that they dial down their aggression and stop aiming it at me).
  18. Nooooope. Don’t persist in dating someone where secretly you are hoping they’ll change x y z about themselves! You made the right choice the first time, now you just have to navigate that post relationship loneliness by remembering who you are.
  19. Oh no, the mooole, and as you were actively trying to avoid it too! You remind me, in the aftermath of my pet step death my dad told me about how his mum stood on the family budgie once with the same outcome. It is strangely consoling to know Nog has good company. Thank you all for the support. I feel mostly back on an even keel now (grief really is like waves, it collides with you and then ebbs away) but hoooo boy in the moment, I was gone. Writing it all out here and being able to hear your perspectives helped me not get swept away.
  20. I just bumped into the partner of a person I worked with a couple of years ago, who ended up being reprehensibly awful to me. Thinking about that lead to me thinking about how so much time has past I’m not angry like I was. Then I remembered how that job was the last minute job on top of many other jobs that meant I was really worked off my feet at that point in time and not giving my rats much attention and not getting done this tedious administrative task that a client kept asking for (that I had already done once and posted and the useless post system lost my mail instead of delivering it). Lead to me remembering that within a very close time frame from the encounter with this awful client one night I dragged my two old and sleepy rats out of their cage for some free time while I was home to give it to them, finally got that admin task done and as I stood up to grab the last thing from the printer I stood on Nog. I realised and got off her but it was too late, she spasmed and died in my hands and i howled like the women do in the small villages when the son has died. Ohhhhhhh I don’t want to remember this! The anger might have faded but the grief is still there
  21. Rape is the only word we have for a whole spectrum of sexual encounters that don’t yield good feelings afterward and I know it feels weird calling this rape. Especially if he had been drinking too. But sober him knew sober you didn’t want to go there anymore and, like you, hopefully he too learns the lesson that you don’t get in close quarters with someone your better self knows doesn’t want to have sex because once the chemistry kicks in sex is likely to happen (that’s assuming good faith of him, this could also have been a calculated move which would mean he’s high predatory and very not a good person. Either way, you know to steer well clear of him going forward). I’m sorry you had an encounter like that. Certainly add this knowledge to your data set and make different choices next time but please don’t beat yourself up about this time. Your friend still acted without integrity. A real friend (or actually any decent human being) could have hosted you drunk and not taken it somewhere sexual.
  22. If nothing else you two have definitely learned you’re incompatible. It’s not unreasonable for you to want your significant other to acknowledge you. This guy wasn’t doing that, you can do better but don’t expect him to spontaneously combust into someone who can match your level of interest.
  23. I just learned yesterday that some medications make you burn faster. (Not assuming you’re on any meds at the moment, but if you are, maybe it’s one of the ones that makes you burn). In the description for the video there are a couple of links about photosensitivity, save you watching the whole video.
  24. Don’t ghost Josh, tell him you aren’t feeling the romantic feelings and it’s over. Then you can vanish but do him the courtesy of ending it first!
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