DancingFool

Here is the thing - telling her this and that doesn't count. The only thing to say in a situation like this is "when you are free and single and have sorted out your life, feel free to contact me and we can see how it goes. However until you are free, single, and ready to date again, I am going to respectfully step aside and wish you well." Anything less than that and yes, you were very much trying to break up a marriage. I'm not trying to be harsh to you. I'm trying to open your eyes to reality without sugar coating. When you know someone is married/in a relationship and you choose to engage with them anyway, you are actively participating. As for what she claims about her marriage - you really fell for the oldest lie in the book. "My marriage is horrible, it's about to end, my wife is abusive/refuses sex/doesn't love me." said every cheater ever. Think on it - you wouldn't jump all in if she had told you that she loves her wife just fine and just wants to eff around for a bit and get her jollies off. She preyed on your empathetic nature and told you a sob story that would trigger you into jumping in to "save" her and to compete with her wife for her attention. Yes, it's a set up to get destroyed for you...and her wife. The object of your misplaced love gets her ego stroked both ways. Maybe it's time for you to figure out what draws you to toxic people. Make no mistake this woman is as toxic as they come. Anyway, there is no way around pain but forward. Feel it and then try to shift your focus onto other things. Work, exercise, get out with friends. Get busy. Have your moments, but then shift your focus again. With time, the pain will go away. Still....when you are ready, you do need figure out what draws you to toxic people so you stop repeating this pattern.

OK, first thing first - you need to define better what a friend is. Do you hook up with your male friends? No? Same applies to a female friend - not a person you'd ever hook up with, but whose company/friendship you enjoy. Real friendships are platonic. This girl you are calling "a friend" is obviously a bit more than that and you are very much attracted to her, at least physically. Why am I pointing this out? Because if you are serious about getting into a monogamous relationship, then you need to clean house from these types of hook-up-quasi-friends that you would bang situationships. This sort of stuff poisons relationships and you know it, since you feel guilty about it. Sure, you didn't do anything wrong as such, but this "friend" has to go if you want to pursue the girl you are dating and get serious with her. As for being horny and masturbating - welcome to the real world. No matter how much you are in love and into someone, sometimes you will need time to yourself and "other" stimulation. It's just part of life and not something you have to feel guilty about or vomit to your gf about. In fact, it's a private matter you should learn to keep private and take care of as needed. Put it simply, it's only a problem if you are so into masturbating that you no longer perform well in bed and prefer to masturbate instead. Outside of that, go nuts and for the love of....do not share what you are doing or fantasizing about with anyone. It's your personal fantasy world - keep it private.

No harsh words because this is more of a really painful lesson learned than anything else. One thing I've noticed about couples, especially long term/married couples is that no matter how opposite the two people seem to be, they are guaranteed to share some traits that bond them together. On that note, while you are focused on how kind, sweet, etc, she is, consider also that she had no problem cheating on her wife with you, jerking both of you (and her child) around, and also using and leading you on as was convenient for her. These are not the behaviors of a nice human being. In fact, consider that her wife is actually angry and disturbed for a reason - your "gf's" behavior being that reason. It's just the side of her you haven't felt personally....yet....and are being a bit blind to as well. She may seem charming, but underneath that charm lives a cruel individual. In other words, I think you dodged a bullet here and should stay far far away from the both of them. Recommend that you cut all contact, block, delete, avoid them at all costs. Yes it hurts, but it will hurt less this way. Also, sit with yourself for a moment and think long and hard what drove you to such a low place? Experimenting with poly is fine. Realizing it's not for you is fine. Pursuing someone who is married and trying to break up a family? Not fine and never ends well. Even if you did get what you want, would you ever be able to trust her? Brutally honest answer is no. How you got them is how you'll lose them. Also, trying to put her on this grand pedestal when she has clay feet - not fine. Got to get those goggles off and see her for who she is. This isn't about Karma, so much as why so low standards?

Clever doesn't work on someone who is delusional. A true narcissist lives in their own fantasy world where they are The King/Queen and you are just a passing character in their deluded play world. Basically, you can't win in a game where the game is constantly designed and redesigned for you to lose and you don't have any actual control over that. The only control that you have is over yourself and your response, aka get rid of the narc. That's the only "clever" move and it's the ultimate checkmate on narcs' games.

No, don't speak to the son directly as it's not your place. The son isn't asking you for anything, he is asking his dad. You are the one who can't seem to be able to say no to your bf. Kind of ironic, considering that you are upset about the very same thing - your bf not saying no to his son. If you really want this nonsense to end then you need to learn how to say no. You don't have to interrupt anything you are doing. You can simply say NO. Your bf can pitch whatever tantrum he wants but so what? He plays a victim of what exactly? The real issue is that you fall for that bs time and time again. Don't want to be manipulated? Then learn to have boundaries and learn how to say no and stay firm with that. No means no kind of a thing and it's not a discussion. I wouldn't even recommend that you have any kind of a discussion about this at all. Inform your bf that your car is no longer available on weekends for his use and is otherwise only available for work transport, if that's something you still want to continue. If you want to soften it a little, you can say that the car is aging and needs to be preserved better. Again - not a discussion, not a debate, not a conversation. Just inform him and stick to it.

He also hasn't been single for a day so to speak. Nobody on a rebound will tell you that they are on the rebound. It's not that they are lying as such. They are just looking out for themselves and what they think they want/need. Again, common sense advice to you is really quite simple - unless you love the roller coaster ride that ends in disappointment, don't get involved with people who are not ready to date. Someone who is whole, ready and open to date isn't going to tell you how he needs to go slow because....reasons.....

^This is what's going on. He told you quite directly that he is fresh out of a relationship, not healed, not over it. You are essentially his rebound pal. Someone who is filling the void the ex left behind - chatting with him, making him feel wanted, etc. Problem is, that once he actually starts healing, you'll get discarded. Don't get involved when someone is telling you point blank that they are not ready to date. On that note, when doing the online thing, don't waste time on chit chat. Ask to meet. If they aren't willing to meet, drop them and move on to other matches who are ready, willing, and interested in meeting and seeking to date or seeking a relationship. This guy is not it and is acting accordingly. Don't chat so much that you get emotionally attached to a stranger. You can't trust someone you've never even met - think on that logically.

Yes, add this to your list of deal breakers. I asked you what does he DO for you that makes him a great partner and you didn't actually answer. Your answer is basically he doesn't abuse you as badly as previous men. That does not make him a good bf, let alone a potential life partner. Also, you are LDR so you have no idea what he might be like should you live together or get married. Stingy is just tip of the iceberg and by the way, that is a form of control. It's just one you haven't encountered before. Consider this - you are married, you need a new dress - stingy man doesn't think you need new clothes, make do. You don't need this or that, make do. In fact, don't go out because that costs money. Stay home. Cook. He has all control of all money and so he has absolute control over you and what you can and cannot do. He doesn't even have to tell you that you can't go somewhere, you just don't have the money to. Same thing, just more subtle. OP, what's going on in your life that your standards and basic expectations are so low?

Stop using your current husband as a free therapist you can vent your emotions about your ex to. That's really inappropriate and as you can see, it's causing a rift between you. You jumped into this marriage really fast and because of that, there is no surprise that there are insecurities there, especially when it comes to whether or not you are really over your ex like you claim. Stop making this about YOUR feelings. Just stop that completely. Instead, make it what it is - about your kids. Essentially a business meeting to meet a woman who will be a part of their lives. A bit like interviewing a live in nanny. If you can frame it like that for yourself and your current husband, perhaps that will help you a lot. Basically focus on co-parenting. That said, if you don't feel any need to meet this woman, then you can always just say no thanks, no need. Address any co-parenting issues strictly with your ex and whoever he is dating is not your problem. Create boundaries that work for you instead of just going along with whatever the ex wants.

Team leave him here. I'm sorry OP, but he is emotionally abusive and manipulative and that will never get better, but it tends to get worse over time. You talk about giving things a chance, but this isn't the first time he's pulled this garbage right? So how many chances are we talking about here? When do you say it's enough? The more chances you give, the less he respects you and the more abusive he'll become. My impression is that you are in fact trapped financially and that might be hard and painful to admit. However, the day that you do, you will perhaps start looking at your work situation differently - it's not enough. If you can't live and pay your bills, then this job is not the right job, no matter how peaceful. You are paying for that peace at work, with abuse and suffering at home. If you are living in an area where rents are out of control and pay isn't matching living costs, then maybe it's time to look completely outside of the area. Where can you move to where you can make decent money and live normally? Maybe, by necessity, you have to think broader. Or maybe you have to rethink your work track yet again. As for how to live with someone like this while you get yourself sorted out. It's both simple and difficult - you stop caring about his behavior and stop coming to him to apologize and seek comfort from the very person who is harming you. How "nice" of him to give you a hug and then....pull back and turn things back on you. This is what emotional abuse looks like. So how do you respond to that? You don't. You go to work, you start going through housing ads, you find some roommate matching agencies and go interview, you start asking people in real life if someone knows someone who might want a roommate. You do not reward him by knocking on his door, by breaking the ice, by apologizing - he gets off on that and he will never stop playing this game. You have to learn to shrug it off and just go about your day like he isn't there. Let him come to you for change and if doesn't, oh well. This relationship isn't sustainable anyway.

This is a red flag the size of China and goes well beyond just being stingy. He is telling you straight up that he doesn't give, doesn't believe in that, AND he has zero respect for those who do treat someone close to them well in terms of being a giving person. He can't even understand it and he finds it outrageous. That's one nasty individual and he is showing you that side of him openly. So, no matter how much you wish for it, yearn, hint, etc, etc, etc - he is not the type of a person who will lift a finger to please you in that manner. Also, when you say that he is good to you, what does that mean? What makes him good? What does he do for you?

Why on earth would you want to stay in this cesspool for even another second of your life? Your entire relationship with him and his family has been a giant lie. Not only has he been leading a double life, but his family helps, assists, and enables him. The whole lot of them are pathological. Get away from these people as fast and as far and as quickly as you can and never look back or have any contact with them again. Kick him out with extreme prejudice and then block and delete and don't answer any strange calls or messages from numbers unknown. Also, when you dump him, be prepared for drama, tears, apologies, promises, and even threats. Do not fall for any of that and again, don't listen, just block block block. Remember - sane people do not lead double lives. Period.

Oh boo hoo bs. You have shown zero remorse or consideration... and by that I mean you haven't spared a single thought for your husband, child, family. Nothing, zip, nada. So your entire post is just flowery bs. Poor poor damsel in faux distress lost in a fantasy, love at first sight, couldn't help it - standard trope for every cheater on this planet. Yes, you could help it - you chose not to. Get real. Assuming you have an ounce of decency left somewhere in there, divorce your husband, tell him he needs to get tested for std's as you are a cheater and exposed him to who knows what, refuse to reconcile, let him have everything including and especially full custody of the child. Walk away with nothing and go pursue your "specialness" with whoever you want.

I'm sorry but you really do need to start being honest with yourself about what you do and don't really want. Looking in from the outside, you are extremely ambivalent about whether or not you actually want to be a mother. If I were looking to have a family, I wouldn't trust you as a potential partner either. I don't think it's so much about him being completely inflexible and more about him calling out your ambivalence. He is right that if you really wanted children, this wouldn't be an argument. Your mother is also right that after 1.4 years of LDR and him finally moving to you, that the next step is living together, marriage, planning a future. Things that are 100% normal to talk about, plan out, put into action given the amount of time you've known each other. For whatever reason, you are not there mentally or emotionally. Maybe because deep down you'd rather not be a parent. Time to figure it out. Nothing that he asked of you was unreasonable for someone who is serious about building a future together and sorry, but no it wasn't too soon. For whatever internal reason, it was just too soon for you personally and that's OK. However, that's something you need to sort out for yourself - what are your actual dating goals and plans. I kind of stand by what I said earlier - avoidance issues. It was great so long as he was far away and you didn't have to engage in the relationship in any real way. Why is that?

It sounds like you've spent the past 8 years of your life settling for nothing much and growing used to accepting that while making excuses for the guy for being a lousy partner. OP, it doesn't matter why your partner is being lousy. The issue is that he is a lousy partner and you don't need to live like that and keep catering to his needs while tossing yours aside. You are saying even now that he is trying. I am also going to echo the above poster - trying how? What is he actually doing? Did he book the trip? Plan out the details of what you will do? Did chores around the home so you can rest? None of that? You did the work and now you are worried he won't even be present for it? Then he is not trying at all. He is, however, enjoying everything you do for him while giving nothing back in return. There is a term called weaponized incompetence - where one partner will fail to do things for a variety of plausible seeming reasons to such an extent that the other partner gives up and takes over the chores/duties/responsibilities because it's just easier that way. What's insidious is that those reasons are intentional and designed to avoid doing the work while being very difficult to call out - too anxious, too stressed, can't remember, don't know how, etc, etc, etc. Sound familiar? Don't waste another 8 years on this. Dump him and go be happy. Even being single, you'll feel nothing but relief at no longer having to take care of a grown man while putting your own needs aside. You might surprise yourself at how refreshing that sense of freedom is and what happens when you can invest the energy you are wasting on him, into yourself and your own life.

It seems like we are missing a large chunk of information. You were dating for 1 year and 4 months long distance and then it sounds like he moved to be with you - a huge step forward in the relationship. Did you not discuss the implications of his move? The expectations? The next step? The way you are behaving, I almost kind of wonder if you were doing the long distance thing to avoid real intimacy and commitment. Now that he is here and present in your life, you are freaking out and dodging out of this whole relationship thing because deep down...you don't seem to want to commit. What I'm getting at is that his desire to discuss things like timelines, relationship goals, life goals and future plans is not too soon or out of place. It is normal and it doesn't mean that it will necessarily go exactly according to plan. It's your freak out about that stuff and refusal to talk that is really off. It is no surprise that he is taken aback and has also backed off in his own right. It's not hard, but for whatever internal reason, you are making things harder than they need to be. Discussing things and making some rough plans for the future, addressing some concerns, making compromises and adjustments, etc. - all normal things that healthy couples are able to tackle.

Maybe it would be easier on you to learn to accept that your mother is who she is - a disordered narcissist. Consider that when you look at it that way, her behavior will make sense. No, sadly, people like that don't get better, they only get worse and worse with age. So you are right to cut her off and keep it that way. However, maybe acceptance and understanding her condition/behaviors will help you feel less anxious because quite literally nothing that she does or has ever done, is about you or anyone. It's all in her head and her own madness of sorts. The playing the victim thing, the staring at you the way she did, etc. - all textbook narc behaviors. Anyway, above aside, there are therapists/psychiatrists who specialize in helping those who have had to deal with narc family members. I think it would be good for you to find one of those rather than going to someone who doesn't quite get it.

Time for you to take a time out from dating and fix your picker. Once is a mistake, twice or more is a pattern. You are on your third time picking a woman to invest in who is not emotionally available. It seems that you are drawn to a dynamic where you are doing everything while she is busy getting with someone else. What draws you to this kind of a dynamic? Why are you playing the "cool guy" in this situation when there is nothing cool about it. You don't sleep with your friends, ergo he is not just a friend. Not to mention that she is prioritizing him over you to your face. Sometimes, having healthy boundaries is as simple as walking away once you see something that is not working out for you. For example, when you discover that they aren't fully emotionally available and are still neck deep in their relationship with their FWB or ex or whatever. Even if it may take some time to uncover the truth, once you do, having boundaries means that you show them out the door and bolt it shut behind them. What you don't do is compete for their attention while growing increasingly bitter that it's not working out. You don't get a cookie for being nice and patient and cool and understanding - you are just setting yourself up for pain and disappointment.

This example isn't so much about the couple arguing thing and is more of a "you" thing. You have to learn how to control your emotions, reactions, and behavior better. If I was meeting my bf at a bar before a concert and he already got drunk before I even got there, I'd be pretty annoyed too. Was she rude with you about directions? Sure. Sounds like she was frustrated, but here is where most people would realize that "I'm tipsy and shouldn't react" or would simply brush it off as she must be flustered and not react. The more common response would be "sorry, here are the directions." and that's that. This would not escalate to an argument in the first place. Problem with you is that you hold grudges and acted out on that. So you escalated things with the snide comment about talking too fast. This is while you are already behaving poorly by getting drunk and then continuing to escalate and escalate because emotions and insecurities. You also kept drinking more and more, which doesn't exactly make you great company or someone to talk to. Your gf was correct to ask you to discuss things the following day when you are both sober and not at a concert and when your emotions aren't all over the place, impaired by alcohol to boot. Again, most people would hold off in this situation and leave it for another day and a better time to talk. As for her sister making that comment - she had every right. When you kept drinking, sulking, and trying to pick an argument right there and then, you were ruining everyone's night. She was right to call you out on that and it's something that you should stop doing going forward. Again, goes back to learn to regulate your emotions better and without turning to alcohol. Finally, be careful about what you say in terms of ending the relationship. In fact, never ever threaten or talk about break up unless you actually want to break up and mean it. Most people will take you at your word and end the relationship right there and then. So don't ever do that. Again, goes back to learn to regulate your emotions. You were lashing out and that kind of behavior will bite you in the arse sooner or later. Being so wrapped up in yourself and your feelings and then choosing to lash out because you feel hurt will destroy your relationships. You have to learn to have some self control, some resilience, and to differentiate between things that matter and things you should let go.

Sounds to me like you are dealing with a classic case of perfect on paper, but that essential chemistry/click is completely missing. Since she "should be" good for you, you are trying hard to force it to work, but unfortunately, we don't control genuine attraction. So, it's not working out and you are feeling confused/over thinking things. Sad fact is that you need to end things with her and keep on looking for a better match. Someone who has her good qualities, but also, more - that essential chemistry. Don't use her just because she is really nice while deep down trying not to choke on the actual repulsion you are feeling. It doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who is not compatible where it really matters. Better to admit it and move on so you can both meet better matches.

Some guys use this kind of talk as a pick up tactic. The whole, we will have babies and marriage and so on. All so that you get lost in how "serious" he is and how he wants the life that you want. Yup, it's creepy, fake, and manipulative as well. OP, you got out of a bad relationship and were and still are vulnerable. This creep can smell that from miles away. Stop talking to him and take some time out to get yourself balanced and get your head on straight, so you aren't getting attached to weirdos you are just talking to. Your gut is screaming at you for a reason - listen to it.

First thing is you need to step away from black and white thinking. It's not either I do photography and starve or I quit completely and get a job. Generic rule of thumb is that it takes about 2 years to break even when you start a business. Meaning that early on, you will likely need to work either full or part time and then work on your business on the side. Unless you have a lot of money saved up that you can live off and fund the start up costs and marketing as well. In your case, you have got to branch out in terms of what you are doing. If you don't want to deal with weddings and people, consider product photography in addition to real estate. Companies pay really good money for excellent product photography. Some companies will do contract work, others even have full time staff doing that. So it can be both for you - a business as well as an employment direction. As for marketing yourself and your business, a top notch portfolio online is critical. Also, social media like Instagram is a gold mine and it's free to use. For real estate, real life networking is going to be more critical than Yelp. Do the leg work of meeting with brokers and realtors who list top tier properties. Check out your local SBA chapter and get involved. Talk to some local advertising agencies in case they need a technical/product photographer or might need one at some point. Try not to get discouraged if you are met with "we have someone" because eventually you'll run into the "omg we've been looking for you, when can you start". Keep in mind that all this will cost you time, but zero dollars. Also, check your pricing. Be sure that you aren't at either extreme of too low or too high. Aim for the reasonable middle.

I think you are being a bit dishonest with yourself and with her at the moment. You dumped her because you weren't feeling it. Should have left it at that. On/off is basically telling you that you are not compatible or good for each other in the long run but keep trying to pound that square peg into ye olde round hole. On/off also erodes trust and respect for each other. So even now when you had that meeting, sure you might have had a nice conversation, but you both parted ways non-committal with each other. Maybe it might be nice to possibly get back together for round #LostCount, and maybe we'll see about it at some later point....maybe. It's only now that she might actually be moving on from you for real that you are suddenly feeling upset and jumping into the whole "oh yeah, I was just about ready to commit.....maybe this time...because you know....talked about fun vacation together." Sorry, OP, but that's not commitment or love or caring. Just some selfishness and fear that you might actually need to find someone else to date and do that work. Let her go and let yourself go as well. Long past due for the both of you to part ways, leave it all on off permanently, and find better, more compatible matches. You know, the kind where your gut feeling tells you that you are in 100% without doubts.

What you just shared really reinforced what I was already thinking and posted about. Yes, I do think that he was carrying on with her (and potentially others) long before he broke up with you. The biggest red flag is always the unfounded accusations against you. Dishonest people are also paranoid and therefore quick to accuse others of the things they would do, given the chance. Consider that even if the guy isn't cheating on you a the moment, if he is being jealous, controlling, accusatory - he is projecting. He is literally thinking, "if I had that opportunity, I'd be cheating". Just because he hasn't had that opportunity yet, doesn't mean he won't jump on it should it come up. Any type of jealous, controlling, accusatory behaviors are a huge red flag in a person. You said it yourself - without trust, you can't have a healthy relationship. The thing is that rather than digging for proof, you have to learn to trust your instincts and also respect yourself. If a guy is not treating you how you want to be treated, dump him. It may sound ruthless, but unfortunately, that's what it takes to weed out bad people out of your life.

To answer your general question - absolutely it's possible to work and change traits of your personality that you don't like. However, that is not an easy task. Your core personality is something that you are born with - meaning how you react to the world around you instinctively. However, you do have quite a bit of control in terms of your ability to modify those instincts and learn tools on how to get past them. After all, courage is nothing more than learning how to overcome your fear. As for specifics, there is no one right way for any person. You have to experiment and figure out what works for you. Reading various books can give you some ideas on what to try. Ultimately, it may be a combination of different approaches. A mix and match, if you will.