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Whirling D

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  1. Another thought… Some have mentioned that it shouldn’t be hard for me to do nice things to make my lady friend feel cared for. I think I can say with confidence that I was constantly doing things, and saying things, in an effort to try to make her feel good, and feel accepted. She appreciates those things, but they don’t seem to be enough to overcome the anxiety she feels, or whatever threat she perceives, regarding my ex-wife. It’s almost as if she cannot except even the remotest possibility that there’s still a part of my heart that belongs to my ex-wife. It has to be 100,000,000% about her, or it sends her into a tailspin. ummm. No.
  2. Once again, thank you guys. These are some very thoughtful threads that I need to think about. First off… Being right. I just went for a walk with a neighbor who I have the upmost respect for, and she says that her and her husband have the same arguments, and he thinks that she always needs to be right. Her response to me, was that she thinks that she IS almost always right, and she will stick to her guns, since she has done research and supports what she says with back up details. She says eventually, her husband typically comes around and starts to see that she was probably right, because she’s a sharp lady. I do admire people Who are thoughtful and resourceful and try hard to get to the bottom of things. That’s how I wanna live my life. I admire that. Yes, I do analyze things, and I often feel that I’m pretty good at doing that. If a subject comes up, and I know I have a pretty clear background in it, I’d like to feel that the person I am with is going to trust and respect what I have to say, or at least acknowledge it and trust that my opinion on some thing isn’t just off the cuff rambling. It didn’t often feel that my lady friend was capable of doing that. I always felt that there was resentment that I was offering a perspective, and often she would think I was a know it all and snobby. I can’t help her feeling that. That brings up the question, is it better to be right then to be happy. Well, I’ve been doing much better at not pushing things down her throat. That has been hard, because it means we don’t end up discussing things that I enjoy talking about, like politics and the world.She would often say things to me in those kinds of discussions that sounded like she hadn’t really done her research. I was getting much better at just calmly stating what I thought, hoping that maybe she would value what I had to say, but it was mostly met with what seemed like an angry reaction. Early on in our relationship, she would say that she was just passionate, and she was referring to politics, and it wasn’t about me or it wasn’t meant to make me feel badly about what I believe, but ultimately, she says we are two different people, which implies that she doesn’t really understand where I’m coming from or is seemingly willing to accept me for who I am. It was not me that has run off on multiple occasions, even though she repeatedly says that she will never let politics get in the way of a relationship. Well, in some ways, it already has. I still grapple with the thought of whether we are just incompatible. On the surface, I see this is likely true, but even upon talking with my neighbor, she tells me almost the exact same things in her marriage that we are talking about here, and they are able to resolve it and move forward. In my case, she is always hitting the road. I think a partnership should be able to ride these kinds of ups and downs, and end in a conversation that involves negotiation. That worked very well back in about June, when her and I agreed to work on the house. I would start putting away things that belong to my ex-wife, and she would start cleaning somewhere else in the house. We negotiated that, and I thought it was a very resourceful day. Mind you, there were very few things in the main part of the house, almost nothing, that still belonged to my ex-wife. Almost everything in reference was in a room that really isn’t used for anything, other than storage and a big bookshelf in there that had a bunch of stuff on it. I just hadn’t gotten to that room, and found no real need to get in there quickly, given all the other things that seem much more of a priority in my life. But... I do admit. It is hard to put a lot of that stuff away. But I have been doing it, and I have been closing those doors. it has been somewhat cathartic. I don’t feel like I am pining over my wife. Do I still have a sore spot there? A little bit. I can’t imagine anybody who wouldn’t, under those circumstances. We still care for each other, we are still friendly, we share a child. We text almost every day, sometimes comparing strategies on what to do with our kid, sometimes debating, sometimes arguing. I wouldn’t think it should be any other way. We are still an extended family, and I would think that any person coming into my house would have to be able to manage that. My current lady friend understands that, and says she wants to accept it, but then when she finds two single items in that out-of-the-way room that belong to my ex-wife, her trust goes down the toilet that I’m really over my ex-wife. That brings up the definition… What does it really mean to be “over” your ex-wife. Do I think romantically about my ex-wife anymore? I haven’t for a long time. I don’t really find her attractive anymore, and I don’t have any interest in rekindling things with her. I just don’t. I’ve said that over and over to my current lady friend, but she just doesn’t trust it. Her finding little things in my house reaffirms that lack of trust that she has. I do remember a conversation we had a few months after we started dating, when my lady friend asked me… If I was still single, and my ex-wife was still single, and she approached me and said that she wanted to get back together, would I? That’s a tough question. I thought about it and I gave her an honest answer… I said I would think about it and consider it. That’s all I said. I think that was enough to make my girlfriend feel really insecure. I didn’t mean it that way. Back to the miserable the box... Yes, it is a mistake that I haven’t put that box away yet. There were multiple reasons for that, some of them are easy some are hard. Firstly, I wasn’t sure I wasn’t gonna find more stuff around that room that needed to go in that box, second… It is hard for me to put that box away. It’s like closing a chapter of my life that has gone. Time has passed. That family that I had up until five years ago is basically encapsulated in that box. In some ways, that box represents time passage as much as it represents my ex-wife. That box is a part of my life that is now pretty much long gone, and that’s scary for me. It makes me have to acknowledge that time is not slowing down for me, or for anyone.. I’m getting to be a senior. That’s scary. It’s not a major problem for me to put that box away. I will be doing it. When all the elements are taken care of, it will go away. Yes, it’s been a long while that the box has been sitting there… Maybe six or eight weeks, but I’ve been known to ignore things like that, and I tend to concentrate on the things that are right in front of me, and I let projects like that go. I simply wasn’t thinking that much about it.. I thought my girlfriend and I have made progress collecting all that stuff, and it was just one more last step that needed to be taken care of, but I didn’t think that my girlfriend would even notice that it was still there. I don’t think she ever knew it was there in the first place. Somebody had said to me that it is manipulation on her part to try to force me to put it away at her timetable, and not my own. If my lady friend was understanding, she might mention it to me, but allow me to put that box away at my own time and in my own way. It will be going away. Another reason I haven’t put in it away is because I haven’t found the right spot for it yet. I don’t have tons of room in my house, and I don’t want to stick it somewhere where things will get moldy and dirty, and there are spaces that will likely need to be cleared out before I have a good spot for it. Anyway… For those of you that say that we are just not compatible. I’m still trying to bang my head to come up with a good answer to that. There are things with this lady that I love deeply. There are connections that her and I share that I have never shared with anyone else. We should have lots in common, and when those things work, they are wonderful. I am also not young, and I don’t have a line of ladies lined up at my door willing to put their hand up in favor of what I have to offer. I live with very little, I live a somewhat alternative lifestyle, and as you can tell, I can be a bit over analytical. Of course, I am the most analytical when something pressing is going on, and I have way too much time to ruminate about this kind of stuff. This is my way of purging. I don’t think one could get a full grasp of what I would be like if you were sitting next to me based on what I am writing here, other than maybe some of my thinking process. So… What does this all mean? I don’t see any of these issues as being something that should drive someone out of someone’s life that they say that they love. It’s almost as if she thinks she’s sacrificing this relationship because she doesn’t think she can emotionally handle the notion that I’m still hung up on my ex-wife, which I don’t believe I am, despite what some of you have said. My current girlfriend thinks that my heart and soul is still entangled in my ex-wife ‘s, and I don’t feel that way. I just don’t. I don’t know what other way to convey that to her or to anyone on here. Do I still care about my ex-wife? Obviously. Does her opinion matter to me? It does. I care about what she says. She’s often quite good at analysis. But I am no longer in love with her. Really. This also brings up the thought… Can’t someone still care for people that have been in their lives before without it wreaking havoc on a current relationship? That is just insecurity on the part of my girlfriend. I think it’s that simple. I may have made the mistake along time ago of telling my lady friend that I still love my ex-wife. I told her there will always be a very small part of my heart belongs to her. But I have constantly told my girlfriend that it’s no different with her. I will love her forever, no matter what happens. I thought that was an honest and refreshing approach to relationships. I have soft spot in my heart for every last girl I’ve ever dated. I would be happy to hear from any of them and help them in anyway that I could. I’m not sure my lady friend can understand that. She eradicate every last thing that had anything to do with any of her ex spouses or boyfriends. She owns almost nothing, and keeps almost nothing. The fact that I even had my ex-wife stuff around was obviously a huge deal for her. We are just different in that way.. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, and she says that I am devaluing her opinion by not taking care of it. I am also quite a procrastinator, and that factors into it as well. As for telling my lady friend that I loved my ex-wife… Maybe that was stupid.. It was also a long time ago. I wasn’t meaning in a romantic way, but she is like a family member and I care about her. My current lady friend had a really hard time with that and struggled with that after I said it. I haven’t said it since. Anyway…
  3. I almost feel as though it is so much worse that you told her you put it away and you didn't. If I were her, that would affirm my fears that you are not over it. . For clarification, I never did tell her that I put the box away, so I did not say something untrue. As mentioned above, I’m not even sure if she knew the box was still there, until I likely told her.
  4. Thank you, everyone. I am truly touched that you guys would all read that annoyingly long post, and put the time in for the thoughtful responses you have. I really appreciate it. I equally am impressed that you can remember the details from past postings regarding this troubled relationship. As for where to go from here. She texted my bandmate, who runs the band, and was telling him about it, saying that she gave the relationship a year, and she really cares for me, but we are just two different people, and I have way too much stuff from my marriage hanging around the house and that bothers her, and she said that I Invalidate her feelings about it and wouldn’t do anything to take care of it. She said to him that I am stuck in my past, and I’m still too tied after five years to my ex-wife.. and it’s not right and she shouldn’t have to deal with it. Almost all of that is concocted in her own head. As mentioned, I did plenty to move forward with her and eradicate almost everything of my ex-wife anywhere in plain view. Blue: as for the bike… I figured I’d had to tell her it was my ex-wife’s bike, because eventually she would probably be wondering why I had a ladie’s bike in the garage. I know I have a lot more to say, but I’m getting tired so maybe I’ll take this on again in the morning..
  5. Hey all… This seems to be my bi-monthly purge on here.. Thank you for reading what may be a long post. Many will recognize me on here, since I posted a bunch over the last six months. I’ll probably take some abuse, but so be it. I need to purge. A little encouragement would go along way, as well. My lady friend of one year and I broke up… again… for about the fifth time in eight months. They are always her breaking up… then writing me a letter within a week of no contact (three weeks for the second break up), then me using positive reinforcement and encouragement, until a light switch seemed to go back on in her head that brought her back to to the table. Each time it has been very strange to see the transition. Almost like there was a chemical imbalance happening at one point, and then bam… Something just changed. Each time we have broken up, something changes in that girl’s brain… She becomes angry, and hostile, and every last thing is my fault, and any defense that I try to place is met with fierce rejection And that I am trying to blame her, when in her mind, it is all my fault. I haven’t been perfect, clearly, as many of you have pointed out. I over analyze things to death, as does she, and I have a friend that says that I talk way too much and drive people like him, and her, crazy. I don’t get it, but that’s what they say. They say I have to have an opinion about everything, and it has to be the last opinion. I don’t really get that either, since it’s only been the last while that I have ever been hearing that. I’m usually pretty quiet. So… Here are the details. We were doing fairly well for a couple of months. We went away on a nice vacation far away, and things were going smoothly. Back in about April, we began talking about her moving into my house with me and my younger preteen daughter. I started clearing out space for her, emptied a closet for her, emptied out the ladies bureau in our bedroom, and more or less, she was kind of living here most of the week, although it had not been formalized. I did have some reservations, since we have been unstable for a while, and I didn’t want to bring her into the house formally for a variety of reasons quite yet. My daughter was struggling with being home during the pandemic, and was acting out quite a bit… I didn’t wanna exacerbate that. So, I told my lady friend that I thought we should wait until school started, and my daughter was in a better place. She wasn’t crazy about that declaration, but we agreed to be patient, and take things slowly regarding moving in. She seemed to think that since she was in the house good chunk of the time anyway, it should really make no difference if she moved in formally. I quietly disagreed, mostly because of my daughter, but also because we weren’t stable and I wanted to give us more time to be stable. Another issue that has come up over the months is that she was not happy that there were still a few odds and ends around the house that belong to my former spouse. Mostly, they were little things that were hidden in far away places that I wasn’t even paying attention to. During one of our break ups, she got all freaked out and told me that I was clinging to my past, in denial regarding my former spouse. I don’t feel it that way. I just haven’t prioritized cleaning out certain areas of my house that I don’t even see very often, and I have way more to do than to worry about the little stuff, although I have been trying to do just that. I tried to explain that to her, but she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She said it was disrespectful to her that I had anything at all still in the house from my former spouse. My former spouse and I are friends, so I had never really felt any huge need to go piece by piece through the house to make sure it was empty of all things of my previous life. It initially wasn’t high on my list of priorities. I didn’t think it was a big deal. It was, apparently. Shortly, she suggested I put all of the things that belong to my child’s mother in a box, and store it away for when my kid gets older, since she may want some of that stuff. I thought it was a great idea, so while my lady friend was cleaning other areas of the house, I spent a chunk of an afternoon gathering all the stuff up and putting it in a bin. I made the mistake of not putting the bin in the basement or the attic, and left it in an out-of-the-way room, in the likelihood I was going to find more stuff to put in it. After a while, I just ignored it, since I had accomplished a majority of the task. It’s been sitting on that floor in that room for several months now. Fast forward to recently. We had a couple of headbutting situations over the last month, or so, but things were still going OK. She had a casual friend pass away about a month ago, and she was a mess after that. I kind of screwed up, and waited for her to call the day after, and she was very upset about it… And that started what seemed to have been a down slide. That incident was covered in one of my other posts, but I wanted to give her time to reach out to me that night, and I sensed that she may not be happy with me because I had told her I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out with her and her friends that night, even though we had seen them a few days earlier… It was a tactical error, because she was bull that I didn’t just call her and tell her what I wanted to do that night.. I thought it was just a miscommunication, and I would certainly do it differently if I had another chance. I have been calling her regularly, instead of waiting for her, since. A couple of days after that, she called me to meet, and we met at a restaurant. She was a different person. She was angry, and hostile, and sat there and told me that she couldn’t see me anymore because of all of these things that I was a failure at. It was almost mean. I guess I have to say... it WAS mean.. Something was going on inside of this lady’s head, and it was pretty clear. I sat there for about an hour and heard her spew this stuff, but had almost had enough. However, over the next hour, I began to explain myself and pleaded with her to consider that what she was thinking may have been coming from alternate perspectives of the same events and thinking.. Fairly quickly, after about the second hour, a switch just went off in her brain, and suddenly we were back together, although cautiously. I almost had to beg her, but it seemed to have worked. At the end, she hugged me and kissed me and told me that she didn’t want to be with anyone else. The next three weeks were marginally OK. She was struggling, but she wouldn’t really tell me with what. Each day, I would gently ask her if she was doing OK, and I would tell her that I was worried about her… She would just look at me and say that she was fine and we were fine, but sometimes seemed a little irritated that I was continually asking her that. It was clear to me that she was not likely fine. She was very distracted, irritable, not very affectionate like she had always been. Last week, she was working a lot, so I didn’t see her as much, but she invited me and my kid to go out with her family for her daughter’s birthday party, and unlike the last outing, I agreed right away and we went. We had what was a really good time. Things went smoothly and easily with her family, and she seemed to enjoy herself. At the end of the night, I was very tired and just wanted to go home to sleep, and she had expected to stay at Her house anyway, since we both hadn’t slept well the night before at my house, but she indicated that there might be a chance that she would come down to my house for the night. I told her I wasn’t likely going to be much good for anything and just was going to go home to sleep, so she agreed that we would both just go home and she would come over later the next night after work, as usual. All good. Maybe that was sending a message to her that I didn’t want her there? I thought I did say that I would be happy if she came, but then it was her that decided to stay home. Upon leaving, she grabbed me and kissed me and hugged me, and looked in my eyes in a way that I hadn’t seen in a while. It was a look of care and devotion. She told me she loved me, I told her I loved her, I got in my car and I left. This is where things turned the most strange. The next evening, late after work, she was supposed to come over, she texted me she had an upset belly, and she was going to stay home and see how she felt the next day. She said she’d call me when she got home from work. She never did, and I suspected it was because she wasn’t feeling well and she went right to sleep. I didn’t hear from her the next morning, either, which is when we were supposed to be spending time together. At about 2 PM in the afternoon, I hear a car pull up in my driveway. Unannounced. It was her. She had never done that before. I was pleasantly surprised, but I was also nervous that something was up. It was. She let herself into my house, as usual, and came in with a very unusual look on her face. I had her sit down, and already knew what was going on. She was breaking up with me. Again. Once again, although this time much more briefly, she went on and on angrily about how she couldn’t live in a house that had all these things from my previous marriage… How I am in denial about living in the past with my ex spouse, and how I have been inadequate removing all of my ex spouses things from the house. I was in shock, considering I had worked so hard to put everything away. I even got a bit defensive and asked her to go find one thing in the house that belong to my ex-wife. She got up and came back with two things that were placed in an area that I hadn’t gotten to yet. I tried to explain to her that I had no idea that they were there, and that I hadn’t gotten to those spaces yet, since they were in out-of-the-way places. She was viciously upset. Mind you, she pointed out that I hadn’t put the box away yet with my ex-wife’s stuff, even though I did not know that she knew it was there. Sidebar… A few weeks earlier, my daughter found the box while rummaging around in that room, and took our wedding picture out and put it on the bookshelf in that room. I saw it there and put it back away, but was worried that my lady friend may have seen it when she went in there to feed the cats. I asked her if she saw it, and explained why it was there, and she seemed marginally OK with it, but said I needed to talk to my daughter about why she did that. I thought that was a reasonable idea, but I also didn’t want to make my daughter feel badly about it, so I put the idea away and let it be. That came back to haunt me during the break up, because my lady friend said that she shouldn’t be spoon feeding me how to raise my kid and that I should have talk to my kid about it. Maybe. I don’t think it was the end of the world that I didn’t. The other big thing that my lady friend said as to why she was breaking up was that I haven’t asked her formally to move in as of yet. I reminded her that We had discussed it, and I thought she was OK with waiting for a while until my daughter was more settled, Plus, at our last break up, she had said herself that we should put that idea on hold and just take things one day at a time until things seemed better. I thought that was a great idea. She was still spending most free nights here anyway. She went on and on when she came over here to break up that all of that was a sign that I really didn’t want her moving in and that I was basically stalling and not telling her the truth. Well, there may have been a tiny bit of that which was true. I really was putting that idea on hold mostly because we were unstable, and I didn’t want to bring that into my house, especially with my daughter there as a collateral witness. Every time I tried to explain and defend myself regarding something she was saying, she would say something like, “don’t try to turn this around and make it my fault“, as if any self reflection on her part was inconceivable. It was all my fault according to her. Nothing I did was enough for her, apparently. So, needless to say, she went upstairs packed her things quickly, and left spewing hatred all the way down and out to the car. I asked her to stop, and told her that it doesn’t need to be this way, she had zero interest in hearing it. Consider..., there was no argument that precipitated this, No nasty exchanges prior to this leading up to it, and nothing over the last week that was contentious. Nothing. This came seemingly out of the blue. So… I have been spending the last couple of days just bewildered how all of this happened, and how this girl, who can be generous to a fault, decent, and giving, can suddenly turn into this paranoid, angry and crazy girl. It’s almost beyond belief. It’s Jekyll and Hyde to a major degree. If you’ve read my previous posts, I have brought up a lot of issues relating trauma. We both have trauma in our background, but supposedly, hers was pretty bad. To me, this almost seems like PTSD kind of flashbacks. She was not in her right mind. Am I crazy to even suggest that? It might seem to be completely self-centered on my part to be trying to explain her behavior like this, but nothing else makes sense. It is known within the psych field that when people that are struggling with certain mental conditions feel that someone is getting too close to their truth, it is not uncommon that the person sabotages the relationship, just to gain distance and to prevent their reality from being exposed. I think she could clearly get the feeling that I was worried about her and that I was starting to sense that she was coming apart a bit. It could’ve been the result of the death of her friend. That could be a reasonable precipitant. My approach this time around it’s no different then other times. When she pulled out of my driveway, I waved goodbye sadly and basically said I would not contact her under any circumstances. I suspect that has angered her, because it’s my bet that she thought I was going to contact her try to argue it out and try to get her to come back to me. She constantly says that she is very traditional, and expects the man to be the one to put things in motion, and it may not be no different yes. I expect I will get my nasty letter within the next week or two explaining how bad I am at handling relationships and how I didn’t actually fight for her when she left. It’s what I do after I get this letter thatmay be different this time around. Well, truthfully, I’m not sure what to do about it. I know that there is a decent and caring lady hidden in there that I want to do well and would welcome back into my life. But at what cost? I’m not young, and I don’t attract people that I have a lot in common with easily. To make matters worse, she unfriended me on Facebook yesterday, although she hasn’t blocked me like before, but she has been posting these Memes that are unfavorable that I know if that are directed toward me. They say things like... remove the poisonous people from your life; and that love, respect and trust are the highest priorities and without those things you have nothing... indicating that her and I had a lack of these things. I can tell you unequivocally, I’ve been hugely respectful of that girl and have loved her dearly, and there was no question of that, until she went into her tailspin. I haven’t been perfect. I did challenge her one night shortly after her friend’s death about political stuff that was going on. I wasn’t being nasty, or pushing hard on an agenda. I just began to ask her opinions on a few controversial items, and she was in no position to want to respond. I also teased her about something silly, and that’s when she snapped and packed up and left that night three weeks ago. She was in a bad space. I thought she was breaking up for good, so I went no contact again, and she was pissed about that, as well, saying that I should have known she just needed a few days to chill and that she would come back to the table. Maybe that will happen again? I guess it’s obvious, as a lot of people say, that her and I are just not compatible. That’s just so hard to reconcile, given that I believe that if her head was in a stable place, we have lots in common and have a great time. I admire a lot of her decency, until she’s not. How does one reconcile that with someone that clearly has mental struggles going on? I have mental struggles going on, as well, and she has accused me of sabotaging our relationship by pouncing on her ideologies and teasing her, which was what our break up was about three weeks ago. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, and I was just teasing her a bit which I do often… She was in no mood to hear it. What do you think about all this? Am I crazy in the head? Is she crazy in the head? Have any of you encountered these kinds of problems with somebody that you care deeply for? I’m shocked, bewildered, a bit depressed, and have no idea what has happened over the last month. Help!
  6. Good question. What am I going to do? I’m going to continue to do what I’ve always done. I’m going to try to let the situation, grow, and hopefully we will both grow along with it. We have shown great strides over the last year, as it is. She has to be comfortable in a role that includes equal power. I see her trying really hard to do that, but I think it’s hard for her. She is a little like an Archie bunker, but I am a much more of an empowered Edith Bunker. Not sure that makes any sense, but it sounds fun… :-)
  7. There is a lot about her that I absolutely do like. I love this lady. But I can’t seem to let go of the things that come up like this, and even if I have my own place in it, it seems to exude drama. My heart yearns to not have to be wondering all the time whether there’s more drama around the next corner.
  8. Thank you BC. I enjoy your responses. You are direct but mostly polite and fair. I appreciate that. Things to talk about… Power and respect. Power: I think one of the things that my girlfriend is attracted to about me, maybe a couple of things... I am pretty good at managing my own affairs. Most of the time. She finds that attractive that I run my own house fairly well, and my daughter, too. I have things fairly well arranged and organized here. However, when she comes over, I think it is intimidating for her to take a backseat in my house, which would be expected. I do what I can to make space for her, mentally and physically in my life, but I can see her struggle with it, because as mentioned, I think she is clearly used to being the alpha in almost all the environments she is in. In general, I feel pretty good at balancing power… I’m not as good when somebody points a finger at me and says “you’re wrong“, which is what she seemed to be doing last night. She thought it was wrong for me because I didn’t call her back or text her in reasonable manner. Many of you have said the same thing. I didn’t think that it was that big of a distinction, because it never seems to be. We work that stuff out pretty easily and commonly. Fairly quickly when she got on the phone she started pointing the finger to me as if it was my fault… I have a hard time with that, because I think It comes with a power struggle on her part. I don’t think she feels power in my world, And I think that is intimidating to her. I don’t think she feels that she can come in and be a motherly figure, which is what I think she wants to do. I’d like parts of that motherly figure in her persona, but not when it comes to trying to control what’s happening around my own environment. In other words, it completely felt like she was trying to do the Toughlove thing last night and shake her finger in my face in an angry mother kind of way. That’s not how my soul wants to be treated. Typically, she seems to let me do what I do well, and organize my own affairs, but I see and hear her do little things to undermine that on a fairly regular basis, even in regards to how I raise my daughter. I welcome her input, but sometimes she gets a little bit chippy, and that brings in conflict. Respect: there are traits and characteristics that I have a hard time respecting with her. There is a lot that I do respect her for. I don’t think respect needs to be an all or nothing proposition. There are likely things that she doesn’t respect about me. I get it. She does a lot of very good things for people. However, there are things that she has done, and manners in which she conducts herself, that I do not respect. We think differently in those areas, and we seem to be OK agreeing to disagree. I think that’s fine, but it does rub me the wrong way a little bit when I will hear her say something that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have to live with that. I know a lot of people on here seem to feel that one person’s opinion is just as valid, in a larger context, then another’s. I’m not sure I would agree with that. I think there comes a point where you have to draw the line at what you believe is proper conduct, or not. There are times that I have felt uncomfortable where that line has been drawn with her. It’s becoming less of a big deal, since I am trying to focus positively on the very good things that her and I half together. Whether I will be able to sustain that over time, is still yet to be seen. It may likely be small interactions like this that eventually wear things down to a point where one of or both of us are going to throw in the towel. On the other hand, we may learn to better our own selves to the point where these kinds of interactions will become less and less.
  9. Interestingly, that’s not a situation that has been problematic for us in the past. It all just seems to fall into place and work, which is a really good thing. That’s part of why am a little mystified as to why she was so upset about it.
  10. Power... it is a very complex subject in a relationship. I get a strong feeling, with plenty of anecdotal history between her and I, that she is used to being the alpha in her environment. At home, in her own house, she’s a bit like a drill sergeant, ordering people around and being a little bit authoritarian. That just won’t work for me, and I think that is a little bit uncomfortable for her. It’s uncomfortable for me, because I know it will lead to destruction. My fear in contacting her last night was that it might bring out that side of her. And you are right. That is not good. After thinking about it for a while, I’ve been thinking that in someways, maybe not calling her was a little bit of a test for me to find out whether she was upset with me or not, and I’m still not convinced that she wasn’t a little bit annoyed that I wasn’t going with her. I think she has this reality that believes that starcrossed lovers are supposed to be hand-in-hand forever and never be parted. That’s not my reality, though. I worry about that. Actually, I had turned a corner and was interested in going last night… I had finished everything I set out to do, and was looking forward to it. I’m sure many will ask why I just didn’t call her and tell her that. That answer is complicated, but I try to come to terms with it.
  11. Thank you for your thoughts… You’ve made some good points. Blue castle has also, but I have to think about those a bit more… :-) Her and I always do pretty much everything together… I think this situation was my way, and one of my first Waze as of late, to express to her that I needed to take my own space to do the things that are important to me. I did frame it that way when we spoke. She seemed to understand that. My interest wasn’t to nag her about not calling me, or turn it into a 12 round bout. I started off by trying to articulate this as just a miscommunication, and a misunderstanding of what each of us expected in that situation. I bet I don’t go more than a couple of weeks without asking her how she is doing in the relationship, and what I could do better. I don’t often come across as wishy-washy, believe it or not. I think I was coming across that way because I felt like I was treading on slim waters… Based on our history, I wasn’t sure how she was going to respond to me carving out a bit of my own space when I felt I needed it. As the evening went on I felt much better about my progress at home and thought I might want to join her. Yes, I was being a bit of a teenager waiting for her, but I was a bit confused by not hearing from her like I normally would. That made me think that we were sliding back into a negative interaction. Her tone to me on the phone the day before when I told her I might want to stay home was a little bit chippy, as well, so I suspected she might be harboring a bit of annoyance and not articulating it. Blue castle… Your anecdote is a good one… But was your girlfriend not willing to actually hear what your perspective was and that you were actually trying to think of her, as well? I suppose, your point, in the end, is that it almost doesn’t matter whether she hears you in your situation, or my girlfriend hears me and my situation. The bottom line is that both felt somehow dissed. I don’t get it, but that’s the way that her brain thinks. I can’t change that, even though I felt that darts were being tossed in my Direction last night, and all I tried to do was gently encourage her to understand that I wasn’t trying to be thoughtless. She seemed unable to acknowledge that. Despite what some of you have written, we both bend over backwards to be good to each other, and most of the time, that works really well. I think this was just a short circuit.
  12. In many ways, yes. I pretty much grew out in the woods up in Canada, and she grew up in a very rugged poor area of an inner city in Massachusetts. From a western culture perspective, that’s about as different as you can get. Our demeanors are very different. I am very soft-spoken, overly sensitive, obviously, and try very hard to please…. She is brash, in your face, doesn’t mind telling people what she thinks, and sometimes is a little bit too edgy for my comfort. At our cores, we connect beautifully… She is one of the most thoughtful, nurturing, and intimate people I have ever known. Interestingly, our cultural differences match those of my ex almost completely. I could say almost the exact same things about my ex, but that changed very radically once we had our kid. All the things that were so nurturing and intimate with my ex disappeared rapidly. Maybe that’s part of my mistrust of the situation, also. I often wonder if I would be better off finding someone with more of my kind of demeanor. It’s hard for me to come to a strong consensus about that. Is it true to say that many couples often wonder if they are making the right choice to be with who they are? I am presuming that most relationships are really hard work. They certainly have been for me.
  13. Tiny… I would think and expect that most couples go through this kind of dynamic. It would surprise me otherwise. We are two different people, and we grew up very differently, and we have very different ideological expectations. I think my biggest difficulty is when I think back about the troubles we have already had, which seemed to be stabilizing quite nicely. It’s this kind of thing that shakes me and makes me wonder if my future will be plagued with anger and drama. That’s troubling to me. Until a while ago, she was suddenly pressuring me into when I was going to invite her to live with me in the house. We had talked about that numerous times before, and I have still been moving toward that, but I could tell the fact that I have been hesitating making it formal has been troubling to her. The main reason I have been hesitant is that I wanna wait and see how things settle for even more time in the future. I need to have a stable environment here, for me and for my kid, before I make any formal decisions like that. Her demeanor during our last break ups was incoherent at best. That’s not kind to say, but I went through it and heard the things coming out of her mouth, and they were not pleasant, nor were they coming from someone who was settled in their own space. She was downright nasty, and I can assure you, it wasn’t just that she was saying what I didn’t want to hear. It wasn’t based in any kind of reality that I know of. I really had to dig deep within myself to allow myself to trust her after that, but knowing her traumatic background, and hearing some of the very thoughtful things that she had to say about where she is in her own head, made me feel like I could let my guard down and trust that things were still moving in a forward direction. It’s been quite good lately, but I still have this nagging feeling that something is going to trigger that person that I have witnessed on a multiple of occasions that was not stable. Mind you, obviously, I’m not 100% stable all the time, either… So maybe that speaks some truth, as well.
  14. Why in the devil would you say that? There is no evidence of that. We had been doing quite well for the last several months. Hardly any kind of anger or hostility. As far as this relationship running it’s course… I don’t really see it that way. I can’t speak for her, but our planning for the future seems to indicate otherwise. So… Update. We just got off the phone. She certainly wasn’t warm and fuzzy. We talked about it, and I tried to paint the picture that it was just two sources of energy that happened to be focused in a different direction, and it was nobody’s major fault. Somehow, similar to her usual context, she seem to be thinking that I was blaming it on her, and it felt pretty clear to me that she was blaming it on me… Saying that I left her hanging up in the air, which I never would have thought would be the case, given our usual communication protocol... So… In someways, the evidence seems clear that she was a little annoyed that I was indecisive. I don’t mind that, but I do mind the anger that comes from her than not telling me that she was annoyed. She also says she has a hard time understanding what I am saying in these kinds of situations… I don’t quite get that. I speak in fairly clear language. To me, it’s pretty simple to understand that I was waiting for her to contact me when she got out of work, for better or for worse. You may not believe that’s the best course of action, but it’s not hard to understand why I would do that, if you remember all the things that have transpired between us previously. Her rationality and my rationality are not always in sync. Sometimes we don’t seem to believe that the other is making sense. There is going to be judgment. Both of us are judging each other for not making sense. She can’t imagine why I would not have contacted her later in the day to tell her what my plans were. I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t have checked in after work, like she always does, when we would then discuss it. The problem seems to be stemming from her insistence that it was up to me to contact her, Which I get, but she seems to not have any sort of willingness and understanding about me saying I wanted to be patient and let her call me when she was ready. It’s not that big of a deal, but it seemed like a big deal to her, for a reason she can only explain. We ended the conversation by her saying in a kind of mean tone that sometimes she thinks that just her and I think differently. That seems a bit aggressive/offensive to me… but I guess I don’t get a lot of what you guys are saying. It could be a cultural thing, who knows… People that grew up in different places and in different environments have different thoughts of how things go down. I didn’t think almost anything last night was a big deal, and that she would call me when she got out of work and we would figure out a plan. That’s completely not what she was thinking. She thought it was up to me to contact her. Therefore, we just had different expectations of what we thought was going to happen. Both are OK in their own way. It should be seen as just a minor misunderstanding. Once again, it’s the anger thing that troubles me. It seems too easy for her to build up these cases and use them as hostility and anger. I guess I do the same thing, so it’s probably not that different from most couples, I suspect.
  15. I hear what you are saying, but for the reasons I spelled out above, if you were patient enough to get through them… I was expecting A fall out. As for protocol… It’s not really as rigid as it may seem. I do wait for her to call me in the morning, and after work, because her day is much more complicated than mine. It’s not like I never text or call her out of turn. We always text back-and-forth relentlessly. Maybe that’s why it seems so odd that I didn’t hear from her after work. There wasn’t really that much time in between. She got out at 8 PM, and was expecting to be at the restaurant by nine. She is often held up to an hour late at work, so I started to get a little bit concerned by about 830, but I thought I would just be patient. No big deal. If she was held up at work, She would call me when she got done. It was the possibility of her being upset with me, I think, that prevented me from being more proactive. I think that’s the only real thing I need to own. I don’t trust her emotionally, And I fear that she will become verbally abusive, and in my opinion, that has happened before. That’s not something I can tolerate, nor should I. The fact that she said that she turned her car around and headed for home during our conversation is an indicator that she wasn’t willing to come down here and try to talk things out calmly. Who knows, maybe that was a smart thing on her part, but she was complaining that we hadn’t seen each other for a few days, even though we had come off of about 10 days with almost no separation.
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