DancingFool

Personally, I think that you need to rethink this relationship and by that, I mean get out of it. Unfortunately you jumped with way too much too soon and before you really knew him. The proverbial other shoe fell when you discovered his true character and now you can't unsee it and it is eating at you more than you are willing to admit. It's a lot of stress, strain, and energy wasted to be constantly on guard about a cheater. Policing and patrolling his behavior while simultaneously trying to convince yourself that this is all fine when your gut is screaming at you otherwise. It's no wonder you are stressed and struggling about everything. His trip and lack of communication goes hand in hand with the above. Cheating is all about an extremely selfish personality and that doesn't change. You know good and well that a large part of your angst about his trip is who he might be meeting and banging while you are slaving away holding down the fort. If your relationship was different and with a healthy person, this wouldn't be such an issue. Bottom line though is that Wiseman is correct that you need to start asserting better boundaries and stop acting like a wife, housemaid, free labor and so on. If he wants to travel, that's fine but what he needs to do about his business is his problem to solve, not yours. You need to focus on your own business and finances. Things like house, dog, child, cooking - these would be there regardless of whether he is there or not. Also, a teen should be more than capable of helping you with a lot things - cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, exercising the dog, etc. Don't be the beast of burden, teach and delegate. That even includes whatever tasks your bf is normally responsible for. For example, if he does yardwork, then he needs to hire someone to step in for the time he is gone to do that for you. Still, I suspect that you are focusing on these things that can be easily taken care of and taken off your plate, because you don't want to face the real problem - you can't trust him.

There is literally nothing normal about any of this. Please cut your losses and get back on your feet. If you can help a guy build a company, you can absolutely build that and more for yourself. Time to start taking care of you as these 5 years have been a very harsh life lesson. Dating is just dating - it's a time to judge whether this person you are dating is in fact right for you and that can take time. Instead, you uprooted your life and jumped in as if you are already married and promptly took on wife duties without the legal protections of a wife. When you are just a bf/gf, there is no "us", OP. It's him and his life/money/business/issues and you and your life/money/business/issues. Don't ever make that mistake again of investing yourself like that for free and without any safety nets. Even as a wife, you need to be sure you have clear legal claims and shares in the company. As just a gf, IF you are going to help a guy build anything (really shouldn't mix business and pleasure) then treat it like you would treat any business partner - clear contracts, clearly spell out who does what, how payouts will work and so on. Get actual lawyers involved to hash that out. If he won't go for it, then step aside and take care of your own life and finances because again, you are not a team as such and there is no us there. Basically, if you step up to be used as free labor, you will get used as such. You can expect gratitude until the cows come home and you'll get nothing. Anyway, gratitude won't pay your bills. Stop doing things for him. Stop taking care of his family. Again, you are not his wife and it's not your business. Stop spending what money you have on him and them. Start saving up and leave and never do something like this again. Just because you are high on feeling like he is the one, doesn't mean he is the one - takes time to get to know that, not emotions.

Always remember this - if she will do it with you, she will do it to you. So learn to stay far away from women who will behave poorly behind their bf's back because they will totally do the same to you should you become the bf. It's the kind of behavior that should cause you to lose respect for her. In terms of boundaries for opposite sex friends, keep it same as your male friends. Would you be OK if a guy friend of yours started holding hands or caressing your thigh? No? Then stop it cold when a woman does it too. Don't allow friendships to get weird like that because in the end, other women who would like to date you, will look at that and go, "Nope and next." Remember that women like men who have boundaries, values, and self respect and will enforce all three. Likewise, they don't respect or see guys who will just roll over and do whatever as bf material. This really goes for all people and all sexes. You just cannot respect someone who will let you wipe your feet on them. So never be a doormat.

It's not about trusting or not trusting, but rather learning to give people the benefit of the doubt and knowing that whether they do or don't come through, you will be just fine. Assuming the worst is a waste of energy and can become a self fulfilling prophesy as no matter how well you think you hide that negativity, others are able to pick up on that vibe and will stay away. So, she made an effort to show up and tell you what's going on. So in turn, make an effort to give her the benefit of the doubt that she meant what she said. Since you haven't seen her around, probably it's because she is dealing with some things so give her some time and see when she surfaces again. As for reaching out, I'd say that in a few days, check in and see how she is doing if you guys have talked enough for that. If not then just sit tight and wait until you see her again and then talk to her. Sometimes, it's just the timing is off with some people and regardless of interest life happens. Anyway, you'll meet others and you should learn to approach things from that perspective - abundance not scarcity.

Danger danger danger.... These sisters are playing games with each other and you are about to get caught in the crossfire. In other words, smile, nod and back way away. For whatever reason, your gf is sending those pics specifically to irritate her sister with. This is silly games between them and nothing to do with you or what is appropriate for a relationship. My strong advice is learn how to see these things and duck. Do not get involved and never step in between warring siblings unless you want to get mauled that is.

Some people are cruel not so much so you accept the break up, but rather as a way to convince themselves of the decision and to lessen their own guilt. So they say horrible things about you, about the relationship. They need to make you out to be the bad person who deserves to be dumped so they can feel better as strange as that is. It can get pretty twisted so be careful that you don't take it to heart. This actually shows you that you dodged a bullet because deep down he is not a very nice person and it was only a matter of time before that side of him was going to come out one way or another.

Same reason musicians collect groupies - something to bang and flattering to the ego as he gets to feel like a big stud with a harem of girls around him. He is hoping you'll be dumb enough to join his harem. It's really not flattering to you, OP and not a compliment in any way. You seem to have a habit of chatting up/stringing along guys you aren't actually interested in and when you do that, don't be surprised that you end up with weirdos. Guys worth having step away from games pretty fast.

It's not simple, it's asking for attention and a response from her. What I'm driving at is that you are very obviously anxious and your anxiety is driving you to act in a way that is not necessarily supportive to her if she truly needs to focus on herself and just herself. You are putting her into a situation where she has to take time out of her day to soothe and reassure you. Don't do that because that's precisely the kind of a thing that may drive her into feeling that this is too much and ending things with you, as you have become a burden rather than support. You've already asked her for reassurance and she answered. Now...trust her.

Fudgie already have you excellent advice. My first thought was that checking in every single day isn't really giving her space if she truly wants to be left alone. That said, you know her better than anyone here. So does she like you reaching out like that or not really? Also, are you reaching out for her or more for yourself, to reassure yourself? This is a time to be brutally honest with yourself about your own motivations. As for your fears about her ending things because she doesn't want to be a burden to you or you deserve better.....please realize that these are just lines meant to let you down easy. If someone decides to end the relationship with you, it's never about you, it's really about them. Because they decided that they no longer want the relationship. Unfortunately, that is a unilateral decision you have no control over. You can be the best partner in the world and it doesn't matter if the person you are with wants out. Be there for her on her terms, but try your best not to fret over things you don't control. Finally, researching and educating yourself about her issues is all good, BUT be sure you actually listen to her directly. So if she wants to be left in peace for a bit...believe her and do it.

I'm so sorry about your loss. Please don't feel bad or guilty, because there is nothing wrong with how you feel or what you've said here. Not sure how to say what I want, but I'll try my best. Your dad and mom's relationship was between them. Whatever it was, however it was, it was theirs and their own adult choices regardless of how you felt about it or what you thought. On that note, the relationship between you and your dad and you and your mom is like two trains on parallel tracks traveling in tandem but also separately. What I mean is that you need to do what you need to do to grieve the loss of your dad and that grief is personal in terms of how you handle that. The above is completely separate from your relationship with your mother. That is independent in that you choose whether you want to renew the relationship or step back and step out. You said yourself that she has a good support system so it's not your responsibility to be there for her. You said that you don't feel anything for her, but perhaps, talking to her is helping you in some way? Giving you some odd form of comfort as you grieve? As for technical/estate settlement stuff, you can step in and do what needs to be done, while keeping things arms length with her. This is all entirely up to you. There is no right and wrong, only what feels right for you. Don't worry about assumptions or appearances, just do what feels right for you for now and figure out later if you need to step back. Remember that you always can.

.... What concerns me about your post is that you are pretty much hellbent on forcing this to work. You are trying way way way too hard and carrying too much of the burden which is not how healthy relationships work between two compatible people. You are literally pulling, pushing, kicking, dragging, looking up therapists, if one doesn't work you will find others, until you get the result that you want. That's pretty much THE game plan to end up in a toxic relationship with a toxic person who is actually wrong for you. If he truly wants to find a compromise, then you and him should be able to sit down and talk about and arrive at a resolution that is mutually happy. You should not need a third party to step in for something that is soooo common for couples to have to address. If he has issues and needs a third perspective, then quite frankly, he should be even more invested than you into finding a therapist and resolving this. You are worried that you are pushing something on him that he will smile and nod about and then resent and...well...that's exactly what you are doing right now. I would really encourage you to step back from this fixation of "I'll make it work" and take some time out to really evaluate the whole family dynamic, including your SO because at the end of the day, he is very much a product of that dynamic and it doesn't seem like he is really willing to step out of it. If he is willing, he needs to show more effort while take a step back and let him.

...yeah I give up.... You are willfully ignoring all the advice while providing case in point evidence of her using and playing you and him like the total fools you are and yet....you insist on hanging on and being "confused". There is nothing confusing about the fact that you are divorced and that she was cheating on you....like literally fck'ing another man in your home in your marital bed. How does that not disgust you? Maybe try chumplady.com and read through the blog and hopefully something will start sinking in for you eventually. I'll just second that this whiny pathetic doormat thing is really unattractive. Nobody can help you if you aren't willing to help yourself.

How on earth did all this come out just now? Why are you reading her messages from years ago? I have to echo @smackie9 in that I can see how she did not tell you about seeing the ex who was dying from cancer or going to his funeral as you are extremely judgmental. Shamefully so really. If you want people to be honest with you, then you have to be able to handle the truth with grace and make the person feel safe to tell the truth. As for her capacity to cheat, that would leave me cold. That said, you've known her for 3 years now - rather than looking at her past, how has your relationship been all this time? Judge her for who she is today. Anyway, if this has poisoned your view to an extreme and you can't continue, then either one of you buys the other one out OR sell the house and split the proceed. The housing market is on fire, so shouldn't be too hard to get rid of the house and part ways.

First off is drop the idea that a cheater will ever tell the truth about anything or be honest or straightforward about anything. Hell will freeze over before that happens. As for why she is doing what she is doing? That's quite simple and it's called triangulating. She has you jumping to do her bidding and vying for her attention and begging for her back AND she is using that to keep lover boy in line and also jumping up and down to please her. You are literally helping her with her lover. Basically she has both of you tripping over yourselves pick me dancing for her "greatness". She is manipulating you with the vague idea that she might return and manipulating him with the fear that she might go back and you are both like two fish swallowing the bs bait. In reality, she couldn't care less about either of you. This whole game strokes her ego to no end and is all about her. Nothing to do with love or caring. Realize that she will never end it because it suits her too well. It's YOU who needs to snap out of this and stop humiliating yourself playing this bs game. Your love and feelings are genuine, hers are not or not anymore. YOU need to step out of this insanity. That means get the parenting app. Use it religiously. Do not speak to her at all outside of the app and keep it strictly about the kids. The app is also useful in terms of documenting exactly what's going, whether the children are picked up/dropped off on time, whether she is changing the schedule around or shirking responsibilities. Basically, it protects you should things take a turn and you find yourself in court again over child custody. Even more importantly, it will give you the desperately needed mental break and distance from her so you can start healing and start seeing her for who she is today. I know that's hard because she is not who you thought you married and you need to get used to the new reality and start seeing her as she is now.

OP, you mentioned that you've resolved to stay away from toxic people in your personal life and yet......this relationship you are in is the opposite of that resolution. In fact, you are engaging in some extensive mental gymnastics to justify carrying on in this mess that is triggering you and making you so unhappy and uncomfortable. You cannot compartmentalize your SO, his family, and the SIL as separate units because at the end of the day, this entire arrangement and they way they are choosing to deal with her and even you is toxic. They all want to pretend that everything is great and ignore and suffer psycho behavior rather than draw healthy boundaries with the toxic individual. Think on this long and hard. Your SO is upset at the idea that you would step out of this family dynamic precisely because there is such an inherent pressure to pretend to get along and do things as a clan. They'd rather walk on eggshells than have boundaries. Keep in mind that when his mother is complaining to you about SIL, she may easily do the same to you. Their family dynamic is essentially a smile to your face stab you in the back variety. They've also been doing this tireless for 10 years. This is not a recent thing, this is how they are and it's deeply ingrained. Put it very simply, if your SO cannot or will not set boundaries with his family and will not prioritize his relationship with you, you are going to be in a very difficult and miserable life. The fact that you need counseling to resolve this should tell you that this is a much bigger issue than you want to face up to. All couples have to develop boundaries and work out whose fam they'll visit for holiday or split up or whatever. That's usually resolved easily and doesn't lead to need for counseling. As someone else mentioned, when you are just dating and you already need counseling....that's your big clue that you might be investing in the wrong person.

Warning harsh slap upside the head below..... Just curious, OP, while you are wallowing in a puddle of self pity and begging for your ex back and she is busy banging the new guy, who is being a parent to your kids? Please don't you dare say that she is a great mother, because great mothers don't cheat on their family and don't blow up their marriage for a piece of new sausage. They also don't just bring a guy they were cheating on their father with and dump him on the kids and expect everyone to play happy family. Dude, you've got to get your head out of your arse. Enough already. You are divorced and for good reason. Unfortunately, the woman you married and bred with turned out to be a zero character ho and that's putting it politely. Time to face that and move on. Stop talking to her and being her panzy. The day you got divorced, she stopped being your problem. Her gym membership is not your problem to fix. Nothing about her or her life or who she is banging or how that's going is any problem of yours anymore. For the love of, stop confusing a callous bimbo using you and playing you for caring. She doesn't care. If she did, she'd have worked on her marriage with you or asked for a divorce because you've grown apart too much, but instead, she cheated on you. Find some self respect and stop pandering to a low life cheater. You didn't make her cheat - she chose to because she doesn't have any character or basic decency to speak of. It's all about her and what she wants and to heck with everyone else - you and the children are just collateral damage easily written off in her mind. My advice to you is to take a huge step back, stop talking to your ex and give yourself time to clear your head and get it screwed on straight. You have to give yourself time to process and right now you are borderline obsessed with getting your ex back without stopping to think at all about the ramifications of what she has done to you and your children and who she is today. This is not about what you thought yesterday, this is about you needing to process who she is today and changing some of your perceptions drastically. You can't do that when you keep talking to her and being her errand boy. In terms of kids, please get a parenting app and schedule everything through it and stop talking to her completely except through the app and strictly about the children. Focus on yourself and your kids. Be the sane parent for them and be sure that they have proper support, including counseling. They are damaged by her actions even more than you are, so be sure that they have someone to turn to and vent, not to mention at least one reliable parent, which is you.

Look, you crossed paths with a total creep. This date wasn't about you, it was about his ego and inability to accept rejection. He hounded you until you gave in and went out with him just to prove to himself that he can manipulate people and succeed. Sadly, he did succeed. He groped you around, was a creep, got what he wanted, and left. Mission accomplished, ego satisfied. In his mind, now he is the winner who "rejected" you when he cut the date short. I hope he stays away, but don't be shocked if he resurfaces at some point. He now knows that you can be manipulated.

Fair enough. 🙂 I'd still find out if he is decompressing that way and even so, after you give him a moment, you can gently change the topic to something that you do want or need to talk about. Kind of create some limits via compromise.

It might be how he decompresses after work. The talking helps. That means that you don't need to care as such or listen intently and be invested in it but rather just be there while he vents. Could also be that he assumes you are interested because you haven't told him otherwise and most people do think that makes him interesting, so he is relating to you on that level. In that case, gently change the topic to something that does interest you. As for figuring out which is which, you might want to probe him a bit about it and see. Also, I think it's kind of odd that you'd rather talk about the weather than hear another work story, even if both are repetitive topics. Is there some kind of underlying resentment brewing on your end about something? Like if you don't get to talk about your job you won't listen to his stories? Something else perhaps?

I think before you do anything, you need to answer two questions for yourself: 1) What do you actually want? 2) Do you really want this guy, like is he really your type of person? Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you aren't ready for anything and he just kind of washed up on your shores and is just kind of there and you've just kind of gotten used to him. All extremely passive type stuff. Maybe an even better question would be, if you were looking to date, would you choose this guy as a partner or seek someone different? Is his passive, insecure, poor communication, won't step up kind of a personality working for you overall or just comfortable for now? I'd pay particular attention to that very passive aggressive kind of a comment he made. The comment itself can be written off as just inexperienced and clumsy. However, the way he is distancing and sort sulking when you didn't read his mind and respond as he wanted you to, says something not so good about his character. Passive aggressive, insecure people are notoriously difficult to deal with and aren't actually nice. Especially difficult if you are a direct and straightforward kind of a person where reading between the lines and looking for hidden meanings and intentions is not how your brain works.

Was about to add the same as @Jibralta Start rounding up all your important documents and get them out of the house and yes, be sure he doesn't know/doesn't notice. Also, anything else of sentimental value to you. Also, do have an emergency plan to leave asap if you need to regardless of house being ready or not.

Well....I hope you now know beyond any shadow of the doubt that this guy is a complete creep and that's putting it politely. On a more serious note, please learn from this. No sane human being is going to spend years or even months chasing you and pressuring you for a date. Normal sane men respect no as an answer and will leave you be. Please don't talk to him ever again or go near him again. Also, take this as a lesson that once you say no and the guy disregards that, it's your clue to block him and boot him out of your life with extreme prejudice. Do not play around like this as this kind of stuff can end very badly for you.

Since you are already on a firm path out and just need to last out this last mile, the advice is both simple and difficult to execute in practice. You've got to learn to adopt the grey rock approach (google it). Basically what it means that you have to learn to stop reacting to him no matter what he says or how he tries to provoke you. He is following other girls again? Good. That takes his focus off you and you are leaving him, right? So you don't pick that argument. He tells you that you are worthless or whatever other put down - do not defend yourself at all. Say something like "sorry you feel that way" and walk away or simply reply with "OK" and walk away. Do not engage. It doesn't mean that he'll quit instantly. He might the first time because he is shocked at your lack of response, but then he will up the stakes and get more persistent with it. That's where being the grey rock gets hard, but if you want to preserve your sanity, you must learn to resist responding/reacting to him at all. Be boring. Smile and nod. Forget having any kind of conversations with him, simple or otherwise. If you absolutely must interact with him, make it about him and his self interest rather than your needs. If it's about your needs, he will deny you just because. If you frame it about him and his self interest, he will be on board with that. Again, forget normalcy with a person like that. They are not normal, their brain is wired completely differently from yours, they will never ever be normal or have normal responses. When it comes to money, do not allow financial abuse. His bills are not your problem. Stop being interesting or of use to him in any way so he discards you and lets you go in peace.

If his excuse for not wanting intimacy was always work, you may want to investigate if he was really working or has been having affairs of his own. Him feeling incredibly betrayed and wanting to hurt you back makes sense, but him very specifically asking for the inheritance share seems almost too calculated. Basically, don't make major life/financial decisions based on fear. Step back, think things through. Talk to an attorney even about your divorce options. Consultations are free. Know where you stand rather than just bending over backwards while he humiliates you in front of your family and friends. Keep in mind that even if you do everything he wants, doesn't mean that your marriage will survive. If he never forgives you and continues to be vindictive or punish you over and over, you'll have to leave eventually, except it will be after a lot of emotional torture and damage to your kids in the process. Sometimes, when parents aren't getting along, it's actually better for the children that you do part ways even if it will be hard for you. This is again why you need to get legal advice so you fully understand your options and finances.

Talking about things is not a commitment and that's something you need to keep in mind. All that's happening is great fun, but also should be taken with a big of a grain of salt as you him are literally in the throes of the honeymoon period where future talk is common, but also quite meaningless. Whether this continues to work out or not, remains to be seen. So on that note, do enjoy, but also, keep at least one foot on the ground and don't get too caught up in the future talk. See how the trip goes, see how things continue as normal life kicks in and the excitement of the new relationship abates. See how things go when conflict inevitably arises. You have quite some time to learn more about each other before you need to make any decisions about living together. Also, if you start reaching that point and don't feel comfortable, don't want to live with him yet, address it then and be honest. Don't go against your better judgment and instincts. Don't fall for the idea that you already knew him because you really have no clue and what little you did know counts for nothing much. Only way to get to know who a person is to actually spend time with them in real life, date them and see. Intermittent social media contact doesn't count. On that note, be sure that you do leave time for yourself, your hobbies, your friendships, family, etc. As exciting as it may be, don't spend all of your free time with him as that can become unhealthy. Also, do pay careful attention to how he responds to you when you do assert some personal boundaries. Does he respect them or does he push back, disregard, get upset, sulk, or start guilt tripping and manipulating you. The fastest way to know if the man you are dating is genuine or if this whirlwind is bad news, is to assert boundaries and see how he reacts. You want a partner who not only respects you but who you can talk to and address issues with and come to a mutual happy consensus without drama.