This is the first time I am writing something like this, I thought about it a lot, but it hurts me very much and I consider it a therapy to write it all, I must let it out.
I really wander where to start, I apologize because I am a mess right now, and first thing I would like to make clear is that I am not looking for comfort, nor judgement. I feel that I have to share my story with someone, maybe a complete stranger will look into it with objective eyes and share honest opinion.
I have been married for 9 years now, and despite some occasional disputes, me and my husband have a good marriage. We are also blessed with one child. I have known my husband since college and we had a long relationship before we decided to get married. So, as you can probably assume, I cannot blame my husband, my life.... Anything or anybody for what happened. And it happened.
I met Albert (let's call him that) at work. He was 6 years older than me, also married, with two children. He was new production manager in our company, actually in a mother company from another country who founded the company I am working for. It all happened a year ago. At the time, few of us had to travel to mother company for a training, and Albert was taking us there. And that is when it happened, I can even remember the exact moment in the car when he actually turned to me and we had our first conversation - it was like a lightning struck me and I knew I was in trouble, completely lost. And I never believed in love at first sight anyway.
Never until that moment I looked on a man in that way, not since I met my husband. I was completely confused and disturbed, but I wanted him so much.
The fact that Albert was very often traveling to our company (it was part of his job) didn't help. I anticipated his every arrival with great excitement and for days I planned what to wear for the days he will be here. It didn't help that I have noticed that he isn't indifferent too, he searched for any reason to be close to me, bringing me coffees, standing very close to me when we were talking, constantly looking at me.... It made me almost mad!
I fought this for 6 months. And then I couldn't anymore. I was constantly thinking about him, I was dreaming about him, I lost 10kg, I wanted just to kiss him once and it will be enough - or so I thought. He started inviting me on a coffee after work when he was in my country, the excuse was wanting to know better about it and see at least a part of it. I couldn't resist, I was that week and I needed him close to me before he leaves again.
After one of that after work meetings, he took my hand while looking me in the eyes.... And we kissed. No, it wasn't just a kiss, it was an explosion! Like all the time of suppressed emotions just bursted, like two people dying of thirst finally found water. I was shaking like a leaf.
From that day, we started our little romance, sneaking out when he is here and constantly texting and talking when he is not. I was so happy, but also I felt so confused when I had to come back to my husband, who didn't suspect anything.
Until one day, just before Christmas, I got a most horrible message from Albert. I didn't hear form him for a two days, which was odd, and than I found out why. He told me he accepted new job in another company, he has two months notice and than he will leave. He will not be traveling to my country anymore. I felt like the world fell apart. By this moment, I already knew that I love him, but I never confessed it to him, and neither did he.
I found strength to talk to him peacefully, congratulated him on a new position and told him it's better not to contact each other anymore, it will be easier to detach. For a few minutes he didn't say anything, and than he agreed, saying that he respects my wish.
I cried for days, locked in my bathroom, staying up all night, lost another 5kg. At a day time, I was burying all my emotions, putting a smile on my face, so that nobody can see what I was going through. Everyone thought I am going through rough period at work. I was dying inside.
Unfortunately, bad things don't come alone. Situation at work became really tense, and since I was not satisfied with the way my career is going in that company, I decided to resign. I must confess that a small part of me decided to leave the company also for Albert. It was really hard being there, acting professional, while every single thing reminded me on him.
Our no contact period lasted for almost one month. Than he searched me out, the excuse was project we were still working on and had to finish before leaving. Later that day, he texted me and asked to talk to me, even though I told him not to. And again, I wasn't strong enough. I broke, and we started texting and talking again. He said he will find a way to travel to my country once again, at least to see each other once more. And he did.
And I was a complete mess, torn between happiness of seeing him again and devastation it will probably be the last time. I moved mountains to spend a weekend with him, risking my marriage and everything I have just to spend as much time with him as possible. And it was unforgettable. He finally confessed he loves me, and showered me with all the attention and we couldn't keep our hands away from each other.
On the day we parted I said that nothing is impossible, when there is the will - there will always be a way to see each other, and if he really feels the way he said, we will find a way. He was very sad, he said he couldn't promise anything due to his new job and family, but he doesn't want to lose me. I will always be a wonderful part of his life, he doesn't regret any moment, and he loves me dearly. I succeeded not to cry when we parted, I wasn't completely sure of the truth of his emotions, and why would he say it and than just leave saying he cannot make any promises. I was to proud. Later I completely broke. And it actually happened last weekend. We parted on Valentine's.
He is now gone. He continues to send me a lot of love messages, and when we find an opportunity, we video talk, and he always says that he misses me and loves me. It all confuses me very much. If he said we will probably not see each other again, why would he still maintain contact? During our last video call, I repeated what I said, when there's a will there's always a way, and maybe we can figure out a way to spend a weekend together once in awhile. I also made it clear that the fact that life will maybe bring us back together, maybe in a few years (those were his words), it's a deal breaker for me and he has to let me go, painful it may be.
Now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think it will be best to cut him off completely, and try to reconnect with my husband, but it is hard. You know why? Because in all of this madness, I realized one thing. I completely lost my emotions for my husband, and I am completely in love with Albert. I am ready to do anything just to be able to see him again, at least once in two, two and a half months. But the very fact that I will see him will keep me going.
I still don't know if I want a divorce, despite Albert. It is all because of my nine years old son, and his very close relationship with his father. I don't want to ruin his life.
I am also a terrible person, selfish even, I don't even feel guilty for doing the things I've done. But I often think that my life would be much more easier if I never met Albert.
So, that's it, I am still in an emotional loop, not knowing what to do, crying at night. Trying to face the world without new job on sight, and with my hart shattered. Worst part is that I think that for Albert, I was just an entertainment to pass time while in my country. I don't know why, but I have a little voice in my had constantly warning me of him and his said feelings, and that he most probably has other women in all the counties he was traveling for work before. That I am not special at all.
And most probably I am right.
