DancingFool

First thing that comes to mind is that you seem to be disturbingly oblivious to her telling you to eff off and leave her alone. So oblivious, in fact, that you might get slapped with a restraining order if you don't quit asap. Please step away from this and never contact her or speak to her again. It should be common sense to do so...... Regardless of your intentions, what should be blindingly clear to you, OP, is that your attention and communication is not welcome in any sense or form. So, stop. Just stop. Go away. Take a glaring hint....

So give yourself permission to do just that - sit back and observe and see if this is the right kind of a thing for you. If anyone calls on you, you have 100% right to say, "Thanks but no thanks, maybe another meeting." and be firm and be done with that. Just another exercise is asserting your boundaries and being your own best advocate. Lean hard into what YOU actually want and don't want.

OK, so we are using the "sexless hubby" as a general/generic example for how to exercise boundaries. Yes, your particular guy is single but that's not the point. The point is that you have to exercise boundaries no matter who you are dealing with or what the situation may be. But if you need to be very specific, then you have to be even more cautious and wary of single men. Any kind of flirtation - shut it down. Any kind of sexual or relationship topic - shut it down. He asks you for drinks, you counter it with business lunch and if he insists on drinks or dinner, you ....shut.it.down. Your boundaries have to be even more rigid. Just because he is single, it doesn't make it OK for him to talk to you a certain way, to try to turn business into romance, to bother you when he pleases, etc. You are not his toy or entertainer. ^Yes! This is progress for you. Huge! Wonderful! Fantastic! Keep leaning into that irritation. You are on the right path and the more you say NO! the more natural and comfortable it will become over time. You are actually handling this guy super super well. When posters are giving examples, what they are getting at is sort of beyond just this specific situation - keep on going. Keep getting more comfortable with asserting yourself and saying NO THANK YOU!!!! You just have to become not only good but confident at saying NO to any sort of people who push your boundaries. It just takes practice. You are well on your way.

This is really something that needs to become your mantra in life - just because someone asks, doesn't mean you have to answer. Period. I'm being very very serious here, btw. Just because someone asks, if you are not comfortable or not comfortable yet, you simply don't share or don't do. Boundaries. As odd and uncomfortable as saying "no thanks" or "not yet" feels to you, the only way to become comfortable with that is to practice it at every opportunity until it becomes normal for you. So go to the meeting with an open mind and just see how it goes, how you feel. Don't try to build anything up in your head prior. As blank slate as you can because...it's true. You've never been to a meeting and you really don't know what you expect. Any situation you put yourself into, be prepared to ONLY go as far as you are actually comfortable. No pleasing of anyone but yourself. After all, you are doing this for you and only you. Keep that in mind.

Cynder, I can't speak for what Tiny had in mind, but I do want to address the fact that all of us are talking about boundaries. Boundaries are not about swinging from one extreme, of allowing any king of topic and conversation to go on, to the other extreme, or not talking at all. Boundaries are creating limitations on what you will listen to, how you will interact, and to what extent. It's quite literally deciding for yourself "I will allow this but not that" and then carrying that out in practice. So, going out to lunch/dinner/drinks with a client is normal. Chatting about the project and how it's going is normal. Slightly more personal things like chatting about his wife and kids in a very neutral manner is OK too. Think very mundane kind of conversations about Johnny Jr doing great at baseball kind of stuff. BUT when you have a guy take a tangent into complaining about his wife and how poor poor him is sexless - THAT is when you shut that conversation down cold and deliberately change topics. That is exercising boundaries. What a lot of us are trying to point out to you is that you allow for people to chatter on inappropriately, instead of stopping that immediately and changing topics. I literally had a client try to do this to me recently. Now, as soon as he started in on that, I immediately interrupted him with "riiiiiight, so how 'bout them Cowboys this year" - it's a regional joke but the message was clear that I'm absolutely not interested in listening or going where he is leading. He got the message and we went back to work talk. My point is that you don't need to be confrontational, you can work out some things to say and how, that work for you personally. For me, a bit of wit/humor/sarcasm tend to work best. You need to figure out for yourself what works for you. Given your history, learning how to stop and say no thanks, is going to feel uncomfortable and downright wrong. This is where you'll have to dig deep to stay strong and firm about it and also where leaning on a good therapist might help you. Good therapist, meaning one who gives you tools on how to and cheers you on like a good coach, rather than one who just passively listens and leaves you alone to work things out solo.

Just because you chatted with someone for a couple of months, doesn't mean you are entitled to their continued time, attention, conversations, friendship, or even explanations as to why they are no longer interested. Also, you keep saying that this is not romantic, yet your reaction to her fading out says otherwise. Friends, generally speaking, don't have break up conversations. People get busy, they fade out. Once they want to chat again, they reach out. Friendships tend to be less defined and more fluid. Unless you have some kind of a major falling out, friends don't sit you down and tell you, "hey, I'm not interested anymore." These are usually reserved for romantic relationship break ups. So I think you need to be more honest with yourself about what you are looking for and what expectations you are placing on things rather than taking the "I'm entitled to your time and explanations and you are rude to deny me that" attitude. This is a YOU problem.

Going to echo @Wiseman2 here. How is your social life? A large part of your out of control anxiety seems to be driven by hyper fixation on a one stranger out of fear of being alone and desperate need for companionship. You need to expand yourself - meet people, take classes to practice speaking better. Get some hobbies going where again you can meet more people and socialize, make friends. Once you develop a more solid social life, you'll naturally have more opportunities to meet women you might have a romantic connection with and even if that doesn't work out, it won't feel like the end of the world for you because.....you have a life outside of dating. Lack of interest from one person won't feel so catastrophic the way it does right now. As for online, you simply cannot zero in on a stranger that you haven't even met yet and put so much pressure on yourself to hang on and get them. It's not a shopping catalog and relationships aren't transactional where if you do x and y, you'll get a woman of choice. It's more of a you have to talk to many many women, go on many face to face meets sooner rather than later before you meet someone who is actually mutually interested and dating goes forward from there.

Him buying you things isn't love, it's control. He bought you a car, so he can rightfully say that you don't need to improve your financial situation and he removed your incentive to do just that. He moved you in, not for your benefit but for his own - he can keep you where he can monitor you better. Telling you that you don't need to study because you'll fail is both an attack on your self esteem, but also financial control again. If you don't improve, you won't get a better job, if you don't get a better job, that much harder for you to leave him. Always be wary of gifts and actions that ultimately make you dependent and beholden.

Why on earth would you even consider hanging on to a woman you can't live with for even a month? Someone who has hounded you with unfounded accusations at the worst moment of your life to the point where you had to pack your bags and leave???? Does this sound like a healthy relationship between two compatible people to you? Strangers could manage a month of cohabiting with more grace. Come on, OP, this is not about being introverts, or being hot headed, or needing to cool down. This has nothing to do with your Vegas trip either or Instagram pics. Hate to tell you this, but when someone so suddenly starts making these types of wild, unfounded accusations and persists with it to the point where you are afraid to look at your phone (this is also abusive), what you are dealing with is someone who is both projecting and using the "best defense is a good offense" strategy against you. While you are busy defending yourself, walking on eggshells, and otherwise feeling disoriented and shocked with her behavior, you are not able to pay attention to what she is doing. I would bet good money that if she isn't riding a new pony behind your back yet, she has pulled one out of the stable and saddled it up. Your situation is a flaming case of projecting. Nobody is more paranoid than a cheater. Please get rid of this mess of a woman. Even giving her the greatest of the benefits of the doubt, you can't have a relationship with someone you can't spend 30 days in the same house with without fighting and bickering constantly. This is beyond incompatible.

Why would you want to continue to have anything to do with someone who just attempted to sexually assault you while you were drunk? Yes, trying to force herself onto you, trying to kiss or grope you - all those actions amount to sexual assault. Any kind of unwanted sexual touching is sexual assault. It doesn't matter what gender is committing the act or how you identify. I think you need to learn better boundaries and also when to get rid of people who have become problematic. Friendships end and just because you have been friends for a few years, doesn't mean you must cling on to a friend who has become toxic, predatory, and dangerous. Most rapes are committed by someone the victim knew well and trusted. This woman just showed you what she is capable of. Stop trying to rationalize and make excuses for her and stay away from her permanently. Find better friends.

I think that part of your problem is that you are not being very straightforward with them that you and your dog are a package deal. You are telling them that you can board your pup and then hinting that maybe you can't. Pick a path and be blunt. Can board her or maybe I can't is the opposite of being assertive - you are being confusing. If they tell you no way you can't bring your pup, then you decline their invitations to go visit with them and tell them directly why - I have no one to care for my dog but myself. If the dog can't go, neither can I. Say it directly like that. Also, going to echo @Rose Mosse that they seem to be two faced. Instead of telling them how much you would love to whatever, maybe it's time to distance yourself a bit.

You are doing really well in terms of distancing yourself from him. The idea is to become boring, so boring that he moves on to other things. So "fine" and also "busy", "sorry gotta go", "work calling" - bland responses while not actually inciting him by ignoring him completely or telling him to get lost. That said, after this commission I suggest that you fire him as a client. Where you are going sideways is the first paragraph. It's not so much that you are magically attracting these types of people, it's that you listening and letting them talk like that instead of immediately asserting boundaries and stepping away from them. When you listen to that kind of talk, it implies that you like it and are into that, that it's an invitation for more. It's like you are opening the door to them even though it's not the kind of company you want to keep and it leads to major problems for you. Just because someone talks, does not mean that you need to listen to them. Learn how to interrupt and change topic, OR the olde "listen, gotta go, byyyeeee" and immediately end the conversation. Any further attempts to keep getting a reaction from you be it listening or chatting about personal things of your own - learn to rebuff and shut down quickly. It really all comes down to learning how to assert boundaries before things get out of hand. This may also mean that you need to evaluate faster and more harshly whether a person who is trying to approach you is the type of a person you want to associate with. Again, just because someone wants to, doesn't mean you have to go along with whatever. Don't be so open to the four winds.

OP, do you realize that you have not behaved like a mature woman who can actually take no for an answer? In all fairness, I'm not surprised that he is both avoiding and kind of sort of maintaining contact lite because he is likely very afraid of you and what you might do to him if he just tells you to go away. After just a handful of dates you've behaved like a stage 5 clinger with a side of fatal attraction tossed in. Please get a grip on yourself and leave this man alone already. Enough is enough. You are not in a relationship with him. You are not even dating at this point. Block and delete his number and then sort yourself out. Do you always act out like this and if not, what triggered you this time? What's going on with you? You are old enough to realize that when someone is not being consistent with you, is not asking your for dates, is avoiding you, etc, etc, etc - they are not into you and you need to stop chasing them, let alone leaving ranting messages about how someone you aren't even in a relationship with is not meeting your needs. Where is all this coming from OP?

When you find out that the guy is a cheater, you pick up your toys and leave the playing field. What you don't do is get into the "pick me pick me" game because that makes you pretty pathetic. As for wanting to be friends, come on. Do your friends cheat, lie to you, and stab you in the back? Again have some better standards than this. Block and delete this loser from your life and then pull your standards out of the gutter when it comes to friends and lovers.

Sounds a bit like you took her kindness for granted and are now shocked to realize that this time it's really over and she is really done. Kind people can and do go cold once you break their patience. Since this has been on/off kind of a thing, it's probably best for the both of you to stay in the off permanently ( not that it's even a choice now).Healthy relationships are not on/off. If you were the cause of the off's, then work on yourself so that next time you meet a woman who will love you and be with you, you are a good partner to her as well. Don't take her for granted as that never works out in the long run.

Getting stuck in routines, work, and also feeling disconnected from each other is a pretty common marital problem. You are right that you can't ask him to change. However, you do need to address the fact that you would like some more quality time with him. Maybe frame it like that for yourself - what can you and him do together that you would both enjoy and would find to be fulfilling? During those 80 hr week times, think quality rather than quantity together time. Maybe he can organize a special date for you or something along those lines. Just because you are married, doesn't mean you can stop dating each other kind of a thing. Another thing to consider for you personally is are you getting burned out by your job? Are you redirecting some of that resentment toward your spouse rather than dealing with the work situation you are in and maybe seeking to change/improve that? Seeking to improve the work/life balance before you reach that explosion point perhaps?

OK, so in a way these fears and doubts eating away at you is your punishment for snooping into what is none of your business. You essentially stumbled into the female version of locker room talk that was never meant for your eyes or ears and likely has nothing to do with the way she actually feels about you. After all, she chose to date you and is still with 6 months later. Nobody is forcing her to be with you. If she wasn't into you, you'd be long gone history. That said, no, I don't think she is very emotionally intelligent or mature when it comes to relationships. Please don't conflate education and career success with emotional intelligence specifically, as they are not related. Incredibly smart people can be incredibly emotionally dense. Perhaps that's one of those downsides of a person you either can learn to live with or you can't. You've got to decide for yourself how much of a problem that aspect of her personality is for you. So focusing on today and the past 6 months - is there something missing in your actual real time relationship with her? Do you have a healthy sex life? So you feel desired and appreciated as a person? Do you feel connected? Is there something missing between you? If there is something missing in your current relationship, then maybe focus on that and explore/address that. Is there something going in the relationship with her that is currently making you feel unsafe OR is it just your own insecurities sabotaging you?

Nothing much is positive here. You already noted yourself that those who come on hot and heavy, go cold just as fast. That's very true. Yet, you are ignoring your own knowledge and experience with that. You are also ignoring the fact that this girl is already talking out of both sides of her mouth in that she wants a guy who is passionate and will go hot and heavy with her BUT also is telling you that she likes quiet guys....so which is it? She has also told you point blank that she is flaky and insecure and will run rather than communicate if something is not to her liking or understanding. Talk about setting you up right off the bat to walk on eggshells....yikes.... Wanting kids at some vague point in the future is nothing much. Sure people will touch on that subject early on, but it really means nothing and certainly does not mean that she wants that with you or in the near future. You are assuming too much too soon here. Ultimately, you are making the same identical mistake as with the previous girl - you will follow blindly whoever happens to flatter your ego as you perceive it. Then you waste time and get hurt. Dude, you need to learn to make better choices and start seeing beyond your ego. What you've been doing hasn't been working. Not saying that you need to end things, only that you need to get more realistic about where you stand and what this girl is about. It might lead to something, it might not....but....don't act like such a lemming willing to blindly follow a pretty tail off a cliff.

Get rid of Troy, stay away from Matt. Stop looking at men to provide you with whatever. As you can see, the price of that is living in misery. Get away from dating and do what you are craving - get yourself and your life together. Be single, figure out who you want to be as an adult woman. Plan out a future for yourself and your son, that does not involve leaning on men, and make it happen by yourself. At first it will be hard, but as you stick to it, it will get better and easier and you will get to the point where you are confident in yourself, smiling, and enjoying life. Where you know who you are and do what you wish. When you reach that, you will also find the right man and the right kind of a relationship because you will not have any need or tolerance for men who leave you feeling miserable and also, because then you'll have a clear idea of what kind of a person you are looking for.

I don't know when was the last time some of the posters have ordered a drink, but a single cocktail will set you back $12-$16 without the tip. So, if ALL he is spending is roughly $1K per year, the guy is downright frugal and completely opposite to the picture the OP is painting of him. Either he goes out only once a month or once every other month and treats some friends to a round as they do him, as tends to be normal, or he goes out more often, has a drink and goes home. What I'm guessing at here is that OP is both jealous and incredibly resentful of her husband's more outgoing personality. A case of she hates what attracted her to him and perhaps what she wishes she was more like herself. It's a bit more serious and more unpleasant than just being controlling. Some inner demons to face and don't make any of that about your husband. Time to look within and address your own issues more honestly. This situation is entirely a YOU problem, OP.

OP, if you live in a college town, then you need to dig deeper into roommate options. This is actually to your advantage. Around colleges, there are usually apartment complexes that cater specifically to a roommate set up where you are renting your own individual suite with shared living/kitchen and where all bills are included and you are responsible for your rent directly and individually to the landlord. In other words, your interactions with roommates are minimal at best and you do not have to share any financial responsibilities at all. You don't have to be a student and the only thing to look out for is that it's not a party complex, i.e. they have strict policies against parties and enforce quiet habitation. Also, near colleges there are agencies that actually provide roommate matching services for students. Again, you don't have to be a student to use them. They could probably match you up with some grad or post grad students who are more mature and seeking a more quiet and mature living set up which might be ideal for you.

OP, you can feel however you want, BUT..... Ultimately this is not about you. It's on your bf to decide how he wants to handle things and it would be best for you to stay out of that completely, regardless of how you feel or see things. For example, the carer allowance - if your bf doesn't care about that or doesn't want to rock the family boat over that, it's his call. It doesn't matter if you think it's fair or unfair. If he feels obligated to stay and take care of her, quite frankly that's the person that he is. Take that for what it's worth. Consider also that if you do talk/suggest/pressure him in any way to step away from this grandmother and then she gets hurt because he did listen to you and step away, that will end your relationship, not to mention leave him feeling guilty for life. Again, do not step into this with your feelings and ideas. Your bf needs to come to his own decisions on what he wants to do and how because ultimately, he is the one who will have to live with the consequences. The only thing you are in control of is how you feel about him and your relationship. Is this working for you, how much longer are you willing to wait on things to change, or would you rather move on? That's where your input comes in...to yourself. What I'm sensing from your post is that you are losing some respect for your bf because, as you perceive it, he won't stand up for himself. Thing that you might be missing is that he doesn't care about money or fairness as you see it and is rather doing it out of love and sense of care and duty - some pretty good qualities, if you ask me. Taking care of the one who took care of him and avoiding petty fights with fam, who don't seem to have much in the way of the "caring gene".

Just going to echo @Batya33 that you need to seek to screen your matches and set up a quick meet and greet sooner rather than later. Don't get into online chatting and bonding (which is illusory). Also, try to become OK with people judging you. I personally think of that very simply - if someone judges me negatively for what I did, who I am, what I believe, what I'm into, what I said, etc. ALL that means is that we are not a good match. Next! After all, dating necessarily involves judgment - who is right and who is wrong for you. Your job when dating isn't to prove yourself or please some stranger, your job is to figure out IF that stranger is the right fit for you. So, if they are acting weird, hot/cold, your intuition is ringing alarm bells even when you can't quite put a finger on what it is, NEXT him. Remember that you are looking for the one right guy and not for many kind of sort of almost types.

.....uuummmm.....can I interest you in some elephant strength tranquilizer? Seriously, you need to take a big deep breath and chill out.....way chill out....and stop sabotaging yourself. If you have a date set up, it's because he wants to date you. It doesn't mean that he can keep up with the chatter online or that it's even his thing. It might be an effort made to get a girl's attention....buuuut....you don't know him. You so don't know him, that you don't have a clue how to interpret his behavior and it's giving you massive anxiety. Bottom line is that just because you acted on lust and had sex, doesn't mean that you can now leap forward into an instant relationship. The whole dating part, getting to know each other better part, figuring out if you really do match part, all that still needs to happen. How that will play out remains to be seen.....but you need to get a grip on yourself or else it will end because YOU freaked out and ended it just because you acted on impulse and insecurities.

She isn't conflicted at all. The second her husband got suspicious, she chose her marriage over you. You might be a thrilling side piece, but she is clearly not into the "thrill" of getting caught cheating and the associated consequences that are bound to follow. Whether she gest back to cheating really depends on how closely her husband is watching her as far as she knows anyway. On that note, what lies have you been spinning to your wife about your weekends away? How long do you think before your wife also catches on?