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Everything posted by IamPoetic

  1. Together, my wife and I have been a team for the past seven years (married three). We're still in love and have what I'd describe as a great marriage. Seldom there's an argument and usually when we do disagree, we agree to respect each other's opinions before settling on a common ground. We communicate greatly most days and understand each other. Unfortunately, our sex life is non-existent and has always been the pink elephant in the room when it's come to us. We want to have sex, but for some reason we struggle to find the chemistry and energy for regular sex. We're both in our 30s. Admittingly, it's always been that way since we began dating years ago, the sex. There was never enough of it, and one of the reasons that we nearly broke things off in the past. We'd go on these long droughts (months) without having sex. It got so serious at one point that I thought about calling things to an end but didn't upon thinking that sex wasn't so important (perhaps I was wrong). So, I decided to roll the dice on our relationship and stay under the assumption that we'd find a way to work toward a better sex life. I was in love and felt that if the rest of us was good then we should be good, too. Sex was only as important as we made it, and she gave me her word that together we'd work to better our sex life, and I took her to mean that. Fast forward a year. Things got better, and although our sex life was still under construction, I felt that things had improved enough to consider making her my wife, so I did. I bought a ring, asked her family for their blessing and took my shot. She said, yes, and we were engaged. I promised to be trustworthy, loyal -- and everything a good husband ought to be (and I still am). Then life happened. A few months following our engagement, my wife (fiancée at the time) was in a horrific automobile accident out of state where she suffered a severe head injury and nearly died. She spent two months in the hospital and due to the damage to her brain she suffers from partial paralysis on her left side. During her stay in rehabilitation, I visited everyday after work and kept my word that I was here for the long haul despite her unfortunate condition; I chose to stay and not disappear on this woman who had such a setback. I wanted to marry her and I meant it. Everyday (for the duration of rehab and thereafter) I watched her fight to return back to her quality of life. She graduated from a wheelchair to using a cane and to eventually walking on her own. Months later, as promised, we got married. We were a strong team back then and an even stronger team now. And to this day, my wife lives on with her disability and to be honest, in my book, she'll always be my hero for being such a brave woman. I feel badly for what I'm about to say. I still love my wife and still want to be with her, but I don't feel as sexually attracted to her as before. She's gained some weight due to her compromised mobility and but that isn't all. For the most part, she gets around fairly well and can do most things that others do but just at a slower pace. Doctors have warned her about her health and have tried to encourage her to lose the added weight. I've tried and I've tried to be a good husband about it. I've offered to workout alongside her, help prepare more nutritious meals and even help pay for a gym membership if needed -- anything possible so that I don't have to see the look on her face when we fail at sex and she goes on her spiel about her weight, the accident and she gets down on herself. My wife's such an amazing person, but at times she has such low self-esteem which inhibits her from fully recovering and being at her best. She does the bare minimum a lot of the time because it's comfortable. She doesn't cook and not because she can't, but because she doesn't like to. It frustrates her, and she gets into a mood about it. I work in a stressful job, and most nights I have to come home to prepare dinner. It's so bad that even her family at times send food to the house and say to her jokingly, she ought to cook for me more but it doesn't change. She's unable to work because of her condition and I feel like I've always got to be a little bit more in each category to sometimes make up for where she falls short. She used to be horrible with money until I got her into saving and thinking about the future instead of living for the day. She has income, but at one point, I was the only person between us saving anything until I had to jump in to make sure she didn't wreck her finances (or ours). We've had sex only once this year, and I've suggested we see a therapist several times but she doesn't want to go! She says she wants things to happen organically and in the right moment. I'm ashamed to admit that I watch porn here and there just to keep from going crazy, but we're not having sex, and we're not working toward building better chemistry or intimacy. We are affectionate, just not at all sexual. I refuse to go out and cheat on my wife. I think, realistically, our lack of sexual chemistry from the beginning led us down this road, and the accident didn't help at all coupled by the fact that I admit I don't feel the same sexually for my wife as I did in the past. As a result, gradually, sex has become less and less and we both just aren't that interested. I just hope someday it hits her that she's got a good thing going for her, but she's allowing the steam to fizzle out by not doing the things she said she would before we got married. I don't want a supermodel, but I want you to be healthy and to be your very best self. She gets into such a funk about her weight some days, that it can upset both our day. She'll cry about how badly she wants to lose weight but won't put in the work or effort. She says she wants to someday go see a therapist to talk about her issues but she won't go there, either. It's frustrating at times. I've tried to point these things out to her, but it hasn't helped thus far. She gets emotional about it, and it ends up falling under the rug just like the sex, the cooking and her weight. I love my wife and want it to work but some days feel like I got taken for a ride by a loving woman who doesn't realize she's got the key. Appreciate the feedback, but please no shade.
  2. I bet if you were to mention to his girlfriend that he still receives mail at your place, she'd be able get him to change his mailing address. Don't do that. If he's not willing to change the address, I would take the mail back down to the office and ask the clerk to return it to the sender as your ex no longer lives there, and you don't have the new mailing address.
  3. This was a fail from the start. Sorry. The interest just wasn't there. Doesn't matter how great someone is if you're not interested or they just don't do it for you. Looks don't always do it either, nor does sex. It's like a cologne; the stench might go away for a while, but eventually it'll return. Break it off. Use your single time to get your life back in order and then date someone that intrigues you. Good luck.
  4. Typically if a woman isn't all that interested you won't make it past the first date. I'd give her a call. Be a little more assertive or else she will lose interest due to your passivity.
  5. My partner isn't paralyzed, but she suffered a severe injury that's left her disabled. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, at times I think of how different our lives would be if she was able to work and how we wouldn't struggle as badly. Yes, it's impacted "other" areas of our relationship. The injury occurred shortly after we became engaged and has been a part of our lives since then. It's affected us both physically, emotionally and financially -- this tragedy. Still, I married her. I was invested, and I made a commitment to her. I just couldn't be the guy that walked out on his fiancée while she lay asleep in the hospital, struggling to recover because I wanted an easier life. And then the misery of picturing her awakening, looking around for me only to learn that I went M.I.A. I just can't do that, and I doubt I could live with myself if I ever did such a thing. That's me. I'll second the notion that not everyone can tolerate the same things. Sometimes, it's a matter of the circumstances surrounding the injury that can influence whether a person chooses to go or stay. I chose to stay because I made an investment, and everyday that I'm inundated with what ifs, I think about how gallantly she fought to return home and how hard she continues to fight...to be with me. Right away, I'm floored and in awe of our journey and it makes me realize that there isn't another woman in this world that I'd rather be with. Again, that's me. Don't use my blue skies to apply to someone else's atmosphere. Each man is different. If it bothers you that your partner is telling you straight up, yo, I'm out if something happens to you, it should. To me, it's translation that that person is not truly committed to you. Take that serious, take it to heart.
  6. Not a lot to really advise here. Obviously, you know what it is you want and your boyfriend doesn't appear to be the one for you.
  7. I'm curious to know what would an accomplished and educated woman want with a man that she's embarrassed to be around in public? It's an honest question and I'm not looking to throw shade as some of the previous contributors. What led you to him? What attracted you to this man? In order to purchase a home, a new car or establish a line of credit, you must qualify and I believe that to be true in the dating world. You must be qualified, and right now (according to you) he doesn't qualify and evidently never did. However, instead of blaming him for his lack of motivation or enthusiam, perhaps you should look within yourself to ask how you ended up dating a man not right for you. Guess who's winning? Good luck.
  8. Your post sounds genuine and you seem concerned about the upcoming future. I can respect that. I'm more excited to hear that flags are being raised now as opposed to a timeless engagement predicated on his awakening. I have a few concerns I'd like to share with you to consider. I think the two of you need to have a discussion about the future of your relationship. Right now, he's not living up to that of a man qualified for a mature and responsible adult relationship with you. At thirty-two, he should at least be on his way to a decent career with benefits (i.e., medical, dental, pension etc...) and have some sort of savings or viable plan, something. I also get that it's expensive where you live, but he's older than you and if he's been working a while (and living at home) he should have something. Not to scare you, but you're no longer in your twenties. You're right there with him in your thirities. It's time to wake up and get moving, folks. Love doesn't pay bills, sweetheart. Sex doesn't put food on the table. You are within your right to ask (not demand) that your partner step up to the plate inside of this three-year relationship and start showing more enthusiam about his future with you. If truly love him and want to be with the man, allow him the opporunity to work on that. Otherwise, the onus is going to be on you to make this relationship thrive and you're going to find yourself unhappy and resentful as life passes you by while you wait on him to get it together. Barring some unusual circumstance, you should expect more out of him and hold him to a higher standard. There ain't nothin' cool about taking care of no grown man. Don't do it. Add marriage and a child into the equation and you'll really be hating life then, which brings me to my next point (in case you're wondering). Marriage does not make it all better. Don't marry this guy until he shows a little more. Have a sincere heart-to-heart with him about this relationship. Again, ask (don't demand). Ask him his ambitions and future plans. Find out where his head is at three years into this. Kindly and politely urge him to change and take this this whole life thing more serious with you. I truly believe that being in a committed relationship is a commitment to being your very best you for someone else. Good luck.
  9. You're grieving this failed marriage heavily which is understandable, but you're doing it through the use of a relationship to help you get by which is dangerous because it's not real work. The real work involves self-reflection which unfortunately will remove you from your current relationship and place you square in front of the mirror. Don't feel bad. I self-reflect often (even when I'm right). My life is committed to not living a broken record -- I refuse to a be victim of my history. My suggestion is for you to take the proper time to heal from your divorce and dedicate the extra time to your son. There will be room in your life to date later on. By then, you'll feel a ton better and hopefully be healed to fully give yourself to someone. Good luck.
  10. You're not being honest with yourself nor your partner to stay in this relationship knowing your heart isn't fully into it. It sounds like you're trying to wing it and that could be dangerous later on. You cannot wing your way into marital bliss; it's a recipe for disaster. Many people become engaged and forget that the engagement process involves evaluation (both self and of your partner). And without the qualitative data necessary, it's catastrophic to move forward with a wedding date. For best results, you have to be 200% in and I'm not convinced that you are. Marriage is no joke; you will be tried and tested along the way. My wife credits my commitment to our marriage often and albeit I'm grateful, I don't get sidetracked into believing that my work is done. Marriage, to me, is a commitment to spend the rest of your life next to someone while also making a commitment to be your best self for someone else. That involves a ton of self-reflection and work that many people struggle to do over a twelve round fight; a lot of marriages these days fail to make it toward the final bell. Why? I believe, because we're in a new generation of "What can you do for me?" as opposed to "How may I serve you, my love?" And you can't serve someone that you aren't fully committed to. Now, add a child (or two), mortgage, health crisis or some other life altering event into the equation and you've got the makings of a painful divorce in the works. My friend, at this moment, you should self-evaluate and do some genuine soul searching.
  11. He picked the day of your anniversary to leave early to go run with another woman and then lied in your face about it. Not speculating that he's cheating, but I'm concerned about his poor judgment.
  12. Sounds like a full enough house to me and certainly not worth you getting upset over this.
  13. It's hard to feel sexy or get into the mood for sex when you feel unappreciated; that's what guys fail to realize. Unappreciated as in being taken advantage of, which tends to happen after a while in a relationship/marriage. We have a tendency for complacency when we're comfortable, and we stop doing the things to support our spouse. It's true. We stop pulling out chairs, opening car doors, sending flowers or little trinkets of our affection. We stiff her with the kids and elect her as the home banker. We don't cook. Then, when we do cook, we don't clean up. We make promises that we don't keep. Worst of all, we don't listen to her when she's asking for a little help. Just take, take and more take. Never give. Then, we do one thing and act like we should be celebrated for what's naturally our responsibility. So...after a long day, she's tired, disappointed and now all of sudden we come foaming at the mouth for sex, no. She ain't in the mood after being yoked around all day, bro. Everyday, I strive to be a better husband and supporter of my wife. When she's not looking, I grab a basket of her laundry, drag it down the steps, wash and fold it. I vacuum and often, not because the floor is dirty, but just because she likes those stupid little lines in the rug. Without warning, I go outside and wash her car and put the shiny stuff on her tires. I cook often. I wake up early to make breakfast and then offer to clean up after. Though, I've gotten away from doing this, usually, while we're watching a movie, if I'm not massaging her soles, I rub her back or play in her hair. I still pull out her chair, open her car door or hold the door for her at the movies. Even when I'm watching the game, if my wife comes downstairs to talk, I press "pause" and turn around to offer her my undivided attention. I absolutely love and worship my wife and want to keep my promise to be a good husband. It's not perfect, we still have our share of troubles here and there. Marriage is hard. But it would be even more difficult if I didn't do half the things I do which makes her happy and feel appreciated. Good luck.
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