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SherrySher

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Everything posted by SherrySher

  1. Thank you!! 🥰 I am trying to view all my challenges? As something to learn from and to grow strength from. I am hoping that this week does bring more peace and calm, for sure. But doing my best to look at the positive side of it all.
  2. I totally agree, however there are times where it can't always be avoided. Sometimes it's out of our control. In those times, it's good to rely on the healing. I think many people run from situations without actually getting help for it. It does work, sometimes for a long time, but it is always a better choice to try to find help to heal whatever caused the trauma in the first place. ❤️
  3. I once again, had another light bulb moment go off for me this week. I had a very stressful week, and I find that in those moments of great stress, when things calm down again, you can sometimes find great clarity about different things in life. (not always, but sometimes). I realized that there is a huge difference between avoiding a situation and actually being healed from a situation. Anytime any of us goes through an upsetting situation, the obvious choice in the future, is to avoid that kind of situation. I had not allowed myself into a certain situation for years...many, many years. I had thoughts on it, and I could see how badly it affected me back then, and I saw how toxic it truly was. But I felt that I had healed from it, and that I was okay now. Well, low and behold, if I didn't find myself in a similar situation after all this time. The deep emotions that had been hidden for years, suddenly sprung back up again...full force. I mean, hyperventilating, crying, hands shaking, stressed out to the max, etc. I was somewhat surprised. I thought I had healed from this!! But avoiding a situation, is not the same as being healed from it. You can run away from a situation, you can push all those feelings back down inside of you and lock them away. You can even convince yourself that it doesn't bother you anymore. But it does not mean you're okay, or that you're healed. I am not healed. I now want to find ways to be healed. Where if I suddenly find myself in this kind of situation once again, it's not going to trigger me this badly anymore. I want to actually be healed from my past, and not continue the avoidance game. I hope this helps someone out there. Much love to you all.
  4. Absolutely. It's good to be able to distinguish between those that are not making efforts due to stress, or struggle and those that have just lost interest....for sure!
  5. I think lots of people confuse actual friendships and you being a friend to someone, but they aren't to you. Key difference: efforts. If it's not going both ways, and you're the one constantly phoning, or messaging, or putting in the efforts, that's not your friend. Honestly, it's taken me many years to finally see this. I think I used to justify other people not contacting me, and was okay that I put in all the efforts, but it does start to feel bad after a while. The way you summed it up, Batya, is perfect! Definitely quality over quantity. When the chips are down, you want to know who is going to be there and who is actually your friend.
  6. Words of wisdom worth sharing: 1.) You can be a friend to someone (phone them, message them, plan outings, etc, but if they're not a friend to you (reciprocating all of those things), then that's not your friend. That's you being a friend to them, but it's not being reciprocated. One way relationship, but not an actual friendship. Those that don't make efforts back, or don't treat you as well as you do them, just let them go. Find actual friends, not one way relationships. 2.) Tolerance in a group, or with an individual, does not mean friendship. They may be polite to you (even friendly), they may tolerate you, but that doesn't make you friends. There is a world of difference between those that just tolerate you and those that are genuinely happy to see you and happy for you to be apart of their lives and want you to be apart of their lives.
  7. Seems harsh, has an obvious disability and started telling you about his problems without actually knowing anything about you. I don't want to give anyone the impression at all that someone with a disability is undateable. Quite the opposite, actually. There are some wonderful disabled people who would make great partners. However, some people don't cope well with being disabled, and it can make them very bitter. I am wondering if that's the case with this man. He has given off red flags already, most definitely. I would advise you to not get involved, but that's just my two cents.
  8. He likes her and is still invested in her. He wants her in his life and he's not willing to let her go. Exe's aren't friends. They've been sexual and romantic, they've crossed the boundaries of friendship. This is someone he used to be very attracted to, maybe even in love with. That being said, the fact that he is still looking her way and wanting her in his life, (in whatever small way), says a whole lot about him. He is still invested, yes. Should it be something for you to consider? Most definitely! She's not going anywhere, anytime soon, and he is still emotionally connected to her. Everyone has exe's, but not everyone actively hangs out with their exe's, or even keeps in touch. Me personally, I'd prefer someone who has left the past in the past. It makes things far less complicated.
  9. Back up, back up.....okay, so if a man is not barely replying, or taking ages to reply, he's not really interested. Why on earth did you not end things right there? I know, we as women want to find reasons/excuses, try to justify this terrible treatment, so that the man isn't such a bad guy after all. I get it. But that has to stop. If a man is treating you poorly, please for the love of everything good, stop excusing it. He was not interested weeks ago. He made it very obvious. Everything that happened since, was you chasing and justifying, chasing and justifying. And in the end, you got a boot to the behind. But girl, you needed to let him go weeks ago and accept that when he doesn't text you back for ages, and does it over and over, he's not into you. Don't try to come up with excuses, just accept it graciously, and tell him it's not working out and let it go.
  10. I'm not trying to be rude at all, but you need to stay out of it. It's not your place. This is her daughter, she is going to have to decide if she and her boyfriend can be there, or not..and how to tell them. You can be a listening ear, and give her advice(if asked)..but DO NOT pressure her, and DO NOT interfere. It is not your child and it is not up to you.
  11. Have you tried the dating sites? These are only two women, there is a huge amount of women in the this world, and someone who will suit you. The trick is to find her. And to find the right one, is a difficult task for anyone. But you won't find her feeling sorry for yourself, or giving up. You have to have a thicker skin than this, and to expect that you may go on dates, and it may not turn out. No need to have a break down over it. Just move on, and try again. I think anyone who is trying to find a partner will tell you, that it's not easy. Get yourself out there. I say dating sites, because the women on there are specifically looking for a date. Where as any other women you may run into, might not be looking, or may already have a partner or someone in mind. Don't expect to find "the one"...straight away. Date, but give it time and don't jump head first into it or consider it serious, until at least 6 months into dating the same person. But don't give up. You can find the right one, it just takes time.
  12. Carefully read everything you wrote, and realize that all the answers as to why he ended it..are in what you wrote. You had compatibilities, and not small ones...quite big ones that were starting to get in the way of your happiness, and his happiness. The things you mentioned, were definite deal breakers and would not work for long term. Logically speaking, he did the right thing in ending it. Speaking from the heart and from the ego...it's very painful to lose someone and to feel like it was easy for them to let you go. I don't think it was easy for him to come to that decision, personally...I think he more than likely thought it out quite a bit before he came to that conclusion. But I do think if you looked at the logic side of it, it did make sense to end things. You both needed different things, you were both going in different directions and neither of you were having your meets fully met and only accepting different from what you actually wanted. Your loss will be hard, and yes, you will mourn the loss. But it won't last forever, and you will heal and move on. Just give yourself time, be gentle with yourself. Don't take it personally and think it was you, or that there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are loveable, you are valued, and you are worthy. You and he are just going in different directions.
  13. Absolutely! I fully agree, I remember feeling a type of mourning and loss. I remember feeling, like I was now cut out of all the "good times" that everyone else seemed to be involved with. Christmas parties, summer bbq's, girls weekends, etc, etc. Yes, I remember quite well. You'll feel left out, you will feel like everything is boring or sad without the drink and others drinking. You will feel like just throwing in the towel and joining, even though you know it's a toxic place to go to. This is another part of the whole addiction that you need to get past. It's part of the recovery. You need to be okay with letting it go, letting those situations go. And you need to realize that there are still many good times out there, filled with happiness, laughter, joy, excitement, achievement...that have absolutely nothing to do with alcohol and drinking. You just need to find those places and people, find what you're interested in and what you want to become involved with. Will it seem lame at first? Maybe...your brain is wired for partying, drinking...so yes, it will think everything else is boring. But it's not the truth. You just have to redirect your brain and start seeing all the good things out there that won't lead you back to drinking. Finding a new hobby, taking classes (furthering your education), a new challenge, focusing on getting your body stronger. Speed walking, cycling, yoga,...whatever you think you can manage and want to create goals towards. Reading books, or learning something online. Deciding on travelling somewhere, reading up on where you want to go, the culture, the views, saving money towards it. Redecorating your house, photography, writing, cooking, making jewelry. There are so many things out there that is new to discover, and so many people yet to meet that will be in the same mindset as you, in wanting to have a happy life with no substances. Redirect your mind to other things, keep yourself busy, focus on a better you, a different perspective and better horizons/goals. In the moments that you feel sadness for the loss of your old lifestyle...allow it, recognize it, but let it pass and remind yourself that you don't need to be tied to that any longer. Force yourself to remember the fights, the drunken slurs, the silly behavior, the out of control behavior. It's all false happiness through a substance. It's now time to find real happiness through life and down other paths.
  14. It's difficult to say. It's a really new relationship and you're still getting to know who he is. I think like everyone else has mentioned, all you can do at this point is give him the benefit of the doubt, but keep a watchful eye. He may just be the type who is a very private person and doesn't want anyone else to hear his private conversations. (which is a good things between you and he). If you say he behaves like a gentleman and has introduced you to all of his family, then those are good signs. Maybe just wait it out, spend time with him in person and see how things go when he gets back. I was under the impression that you hadn't met his family or friends yet, but if they know who you are, then it could just be that he's a private person.
  15. Try not to let it overwhelm you. I have been in your shoes. You can get out of this, I promise. Focus on only today, and each day... only focus on this moment. You do have control over your own choices and your own thoughts. You can move into a different direction with your life, and things will become better. Change takes time, it is something you can achieve, but just go day by day, hour by hour..even minute by minute if you have to. Slow deep breaths. You are stronger than this addiction and these cravings. keep pushing back.
  16. Keep on. Take each day one at a time, don't look down the road and wonder how you can manage days, weeks, or years. Just focus on today. Stay away from any kind of outing or occasion where people are drinking, it will only trigger you and most likely cause a major backslide. You have to be okay with saying goodbye to all of the "parties", as well as using alcohol to cope and thinking it's going to help you. Change your mindsets. You don't need alcohol to have a good time. You don't need alcohol in order to deal with stress, or upset. Keep telling yourself those two things, over and over. Find new ways of dealing with stress. Meditation, exercising, becoming involved with groups that are focused on becoming healthier and better versions of themselves. (exercise groups, groups focused on relaxation techniques for stress, etc). Check out meetup.com There are also several groups online for meditation and support for stress, as well as support groups for trying to overcome alcohol addiction. When you start to feel triggered, or cravings, get yourself out of the situation that might have triggered it, do some deep breathing, tell yourself that you're okay...you can get past this and not fall back. It takes time to work your way into these new mind sets and new ways of dealing with things..but keep on practicing and don't give up on yourself!!
  17. Mentioning marriage in two months, is odd. You don't know if someone is your match for something as serious as marriage until at least the 6 month mark, but in some cases, closer to a year. No point in rushing it as divorces are costly and can be long drawn out. The two things I would wonder, does he speak to you on the phone (in bed), as soon as he is waking up, or falling asleep? Or different times of the day when you can hear other people around him? If not, then I would be suspicious (but that's just me).
  18. Unfortunately, if you feel he already has a girlfriend and is messing around, you're most likely correct. Yes, it does sound very shady how he is acting, and it wouldn't be shocking being as you're not in person. Have you not met any of his family, or friends yet?
  19. Completely agree....why continue to give her all that info or visa versa? You're not friends, OP....it's an odd arrangement, besides the fact that she's looking at your life and resenting anything good that happens to you. She's not your friend.
  20. Apart from the fact that she's jealous for all the wrong reasons. She wanted him to suffer it out and be worse off. She didn't want him back. Yes, she's lonely and wanting a partner, but not him.
  21. She expected you to curl up and have life end without her...you proved her wrong, you moved on and you bettered yourself and your life, without her. She is a bitter person, who would have rather enjoyed watching your downfall and demise. Keep your distance.
  22. Can I just say....the fact that YOU had to go find this out yourself, and he did not ever tell you, or ever mention the possibility of this child, speaks volumes. He doesn't trust you or feel comfortable enough with you to admit that he may have a child. That's something he should have told you the first month into the relationship!! He skipped past all that information, and it's pretty crucial information! Him justifying it and saying it's because he's not sure if it's his child, is just a way to weasel out of the fact that he made a choice to not share important information with you and had this secret going on with this woman, for a very long time behind your back. He also straight out lied to you, and if I were you, I would wonder what else he has lied about, or is keeping from you that you haven't found out about yet. There are too many reasons why you should break up with this guy. But if you accept all of that mess and look past it, don't be surprised if down the road you find more secrets and heartache, because it's almost a guarantee.
  23. The last line tells you exactly who he is.....you dodged a bullet.
  24. Honestly, it's okay. No one is judging you for it. Life can get stressful and messy. This dude shouldn't have judged you for it either. But he did, and he made you feel bad. He's not a great guy. Forgive yourself, please stop feeling so bad. You're human and your mistakes are no where near as badly as he is punishing you for. Brush yourself off, you don't need him, head held high...move forward without this jerk.
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