Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

[Billie28]

This thread is a good testament to how what would appear to be one small insignificant lie (by the person who lied) can erode the entire fabric of an otherwise good and solid relationship or marriage (until the lie).

 

Gawd, how I hate any sort of lie. I don't even like "white lies." You look awesome! When you look like crap for example.

 

It really does get you crazy and causes one to lose trust even if at first you believe you can move past it.

 

I'm still on the fence about this after her last post.. It's not like her friend saw them kissing or cuddled up or sharing an intimate meal..

 

They were running together, in training for a marathon and I can say from experience, it's much more fun to run with someone than alone.

 

Okay he lied about it which was wrong, but again it's possible it was just a bad judgment call.

 

And not to knock the OP, but her reaction now does lend some credence as to why her husband didn't want to tell her. Her belief they have this "connection" and "passion" which may not be the case at all. And now she wants him gone!

 

But who knows! I think they need to communicate, calmly and rationally. They've been married a long time and up till now, it's been good. He's been a good husband and friend, according to her.

 

It would be a real shame to end a long and up till now good loving marriage over something that, again, may be nothing more than a bad judgment call.

 

Or not, but they need to communicate!

 

100 % agree with this.

[ThatwasThen]

Well its kind of clear to me why the Op is feeling the way she is but wanting him gone now, someone she had a good relationship with is, IMO over-the-top.

 

Anyway: Back to how you feel. I'm thinking that for 1... you are embarrassed because you heard it from a friend that he was out running with this chica and you knew nothing about it. That this friend made a point of telling you about it and your husband lying would naturally make most people conclude something inappropriate was going on and cause a blip in what appears to be an otherwise happy and healthy union...

 

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel, and get this resolved or you are going to lose the emotional connection you had with him. Its not as bad as your mind is making you think it is. Time to end your grudge don't you think? You're both unhappy at the moment so how is remaining in that state serving the greater good of your marriage? You had zero indication(s) that he was cheating on you with her or anyone else, no suspect behaviour prior to the lie so logic this out and get it resolved.

 

What exactly do you need from him in order to put this all behind you?

[IAmFCA]

Regarding small lies... My exH used to report that he was putting the recycling into the recycling bin, when in fact he was putting all of the trash into the same trash bin outside, mingling the recycling with the rest. I don't know why he did that; the trash was already divided and the different bins were lined up next to each other outside. But he lied about it, and kept the lie going for years. I knew the truth, I saw his lie as a sort of rebellion, I never intended to be a parent to my spouse, and thus the little lie - which was totally unnecessary - became a primary touchpoint in our unraveling.

 

Lying is a way of creating a boundary between ourselves and someone else. Any time a lie is in place in an intimate relationship, a wedge is in place that will slowly divide the two parties.

 

Better - H tells the truth. H also expresses his concerns about sharing information that may be difficult to hear. These two need to find ways to address difficult topics.

[Glata]

Well its kind of clear to me why the Op is feeling the way she is but wanting him gone now, someone she had a good relationship with is, IMO over-the-top.

 

Anyway: Back to how you feel. I'm thinking that for 1... you are embarrassed because you heard it from a friend that he was out running with this chica and you knew nothing about it. That this friend made a point of telling you about it and your husband lying would naturally make most people conclude something inappropriate was going on and cause a blip in what appears to be an otherwise happy and healthy union...

 

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel, and get this resolved or you are going to lose the emotional connection you had with him. Its not as bad as your mind is making you think it is. Time to end your grudge don't you think? You're both unhappy at the moment so how is remaining in that state serving the greater good of your marriage? You had zero indication(s) that he was cheating on you with her or anyone else, no suspect behaviour prior to the lie so logic this out and get it resolved.

 

What exactly do you need from him in order to put this all behind you?

 

Thank you for all the insights.

 

We finally had a talk after a horrible week of sleeping in separate bedrooms. (My best friend advised him to leave me alone until I was ready to talk)

 

He was very apologetic and understood that if he didn’t understand the nature of their “friendship” and if he were in my shoes he would be very upset too.

 

He went all out. Ordering a heart shaped pizza (yea I know) declaring his love for me on social media. Non meaningful things but cute I guess.

 

Here are the facts:

He clicked with this married woman at work and says he can talk to her like she’s a guy.

They only work together two days a week and really only see each other for 30 minutes during those two days when their whole team plays taboo during lunch.

 

Their texts are mainly about their games and back and forth of how his team should’ve won or her team. Him asking how her sick son is feeling and then a whooooole lot about running, comparing miles and some gifs and pictures of them at work activities. There are no kissie faces, xoxos, miss you. Basically just texts during work hours throughout the week, frequently but pretty harmless stuff but it is clear they have a bond and lots of inside jokes.

 

He went running again today with a real (male) friend this time who is also running the half marathon and I know he enjoys doing those 10 milers with someone.

 

He says that he didn’t think I would approve, understand and would be jealous and bring it up for years to come.

 

What bothers me is that if it is an innocent friendship that he didn’t care about then why withhold it. And if he knew it would bother me then why do it? I knew nothing about her meanwhile he tells me everything about all of his other coworkers. I like them all and don’t have the slightest problem with them texting him, inviting him out.

 

He said she is not bad looking but she’s not me, that there is zero attraction, just a friendship Bc she is outgoing and very nice and got him thinking about running this half marathon.

 

He asked me what I wanted him to do and that he’ll do it in order for me to trust him again. He said if he stops responding to her texts all together he will look like a jerk because it is a coworker and that’s just how they all interact. (He doesn’t text as frequently with any of his other coworkers)

He said he won’t text her first again and then maybe she’ll kinda stop too and get the hint.

 

None of this sits well with me because now I look like the nagging wife who wants to know about their contact when I just don’t want to be lied to. But at this point because of this secret one on one which seems to be so insignificant to him I am no longer comfortable with this bond they share.

 

Going through the motions of being happy we talked it out and reconnected A LOT. And then not being able to sleep because I keep thinking about how he probably really liked the attention from this woman and cherished their bond.

 

I don’t know if I’m overreacting and it really is nothing.

[Wiseman2]

Only time will tell. Not sleeping on the couch or showing you texts or heart shaped pizzas. What he does know is that his instincts were correct and you did become jealous and angry. Turn your emotions down. Way down. Stop the background noise. Step back and observe. Do not keep your eyes on the swirling cape of promises, (she's like a guy, she's not attractive, etc) and pizzas. Keep your eye on the facts..most of all actions. Not acting, putting on a show etc...

 

I don’t know if I’m overreacting and it really is nothing.

[katrina1980]

Agre with Wiseman and given his attempts to redeem himself now, if me, I would choose to believe him and forgive.

 

In short, accept his apology, forgive this indiscretion, bad judgment call and let it go.

 

That doesn't mean forgetting, you will never forget but you can choose to forgive and yes it is a choice.

 

Or, you can choose to allow your mind to race and overthink with negative thoughts, imagining the worst, resent him and distrust him.

 

It's really your call, I hope you choose the former.

 

After reading your last post, it really does sound like a very bad judgment call. Try to not read more into it.

 

Big lesson learned for him.

[Batya33]

Agre with Wiseman and given his attempts to redeem himself now, if me, I would choose to believe him and forgive.

 

In short, accept his apology, forgive this indiscretion, bad judgment call and let it go.

 

That doesn't mean forgetting, you will never forget but you can choose to forgive and yes it is a choice.

 

Or, you can choose to allow your mind to race and overthink with negative thoughts, imagining the worst, resent him and distrust him.

 

It's really your call, I hope you choose the former.

 

After reading your last post, it really does sound like a very bad judgment call. Try to not read more into it.

 

Big lesson learned for him.

 

Yes, all of this. I get it like K does, I really do AND I agree wholeheartedly with K that this is the kind of thing that you make the choice just as she put it. I also don't think it requires hypervigilance. He was so balanced and fair in his description of what happened, why it happened, his poor judgment - and no I do not think he played with fire. I think it was at least -at least -one step removed from that. But only a few steps. He's willing to do whatever you want and he is right that if the coworkers all text he can't not text her. But he can keep it professional to a fault. And he should because she overstepped too.

 

t's a topic that has come to the forefront indirectly in my life because a former colleague is acting very strangely on Facebook -almost as if the profile was hacked -but I know it was not -and very inappropriately so my antennae are up. Luckily it has almost no effect on me or my family but if I chose to comment, it could -I've already seen others comment and get involved and are risking incurring this person's wrath and potential harassment. It is reminding me how easy it is to get into an awkward or worse situation. I'm also lucky that in my workplace people are friendly, thoughtful, kind, but not personal -very very professional, closer to formal than informal. And in today's world especially I think that's a good thing.

 

I hope you and your husband continue on this upswing. I'm really sorry about all the stress.

[SherrySher]

It's not nothing, is it? She's not ugly and he enjoys being with her.

 

I very much doubt he's going to tell you that he's attracted to her. And I do believe that he hid the fact that he was going out to see her, because he felt some guilt.

 

That guilt would have only been brought on if he had feelings for her.

 

You aren't a nagging wife, you are a woman with intuition. He should be telling his "friend" that he no longer wishes to socialize with her and mean it.

 

I don't think for one second that they don't find each other attractive and if they pretend they don't, they're lying.

 

A heart shaped pizza isn't going to fix this, him staying away from her is the only thing that will.

[Starlight925]

It's not nothing, is it? She's not ugly and he enjoys being with her.

 

I very much doubt he's going to tell you that he's attracted to her. And I do believe that he hid the fact that he was going out to see her, because he felt some guilt.

 

That guilt would have only been brought on if he had feelings for her.

 

You aren't a nagging wife, you are a woman with intuition. He should be telling his "friend" that he no longer wishes to socialize with her and mean it.

I don't think for one second that they don't find each other attractive and if they pretend they don't, they're lying.

 

A heart shaped pizza isn't going to fix this, him staying away from her is the only thing that will.

 

Yes, unfortunately, I wish I didn't feel the way that SherrySher does, but I do.

 

A heart-shaped pizza? I have. No. Words.

 

But yes, he should be telling his friend that he can no longer run with her, or text her. Not simply wait for her to text him. He's playing cowardly lion because he doesn't want that relationship to end. And making you a heart-shaped pizza so you'll tell your friends what a cute heart-shaped pizza he made you.

[SherrySher]

I don't wish to feel this way either, lol...but it's plain as day from my point of view.

 

They like each other, the way they both keep testing boundaries proves that it's not all innocent with no attractive going on.

 

A heart shaped pizza and begging ain't gonna fix this...him staying away from her is the only fix here.

 

Truthfully, he should be more respectful to his wife than this.

[SherrySher]

Not simply wait for her to text him. He's playing cowardly lion because he doesn't want that relationship to end.

 

That's another obvious, for sure.

 

He's giving all kinds of excuses as to why he can't stop texting, which is bogus. He doesn't want to stop texting.

 

He likes talking to her, no doubt he finds her attractive and he doesn't want to shut off communication.

 

But it would make a lot more sense for him to tell her, sorry but I can't talk anymore...end of...and do so for the sake of his marriage.

 

He won't. He's liking the attention from her too much.

[itsallgrand]

I really don't like how he's turned this back on you. He didn't tell you because he thought you'd be jealous, not approve, and bring it up for years to come ? So he lied, and did something he knew you would not approve of and which would hurt the relationship behind your back?

 

He messed up. An apology would be - I made a mistake, I'll work to make it better. Throwing in how you are jealous, and undermining his TOTAL responsibility here is crap!

 

I'd be cautious. You still don't feel at ease about this, and I wouldn't either.

 

What would make you feel at ease? Think about that. What would you need going forward in order to begin rebuilding the trust? It takes two with the trust . It involves some vulnerability. Maybe you aren't ready for that quite yet. It can be gradual, if you want to , rather than forgiving and that's that. A ' let's see how he handles himself' and you expressing very clearly what you need and want.

 

Are you happy with his ' I won't text her first, but gotta keep chatting' idea?

[katrina1980]

Glata, if you're inclined to return, I have a question. I asked earlier, perhaps you missed it.

 

Let's say he did tell you he was going running with this woman, his "friend" and co-worker. On the morning of your anniversary, he chose to do this but he was honest and told you. Instead of choosing to lie.

 

Honestly and truly, how would you feel about that? Would you be okay with it, accepting of their friendship, co-worker relationship and their mutual passion for running?

 

Would you be ok with their texting and continuing to run in training for the marathon?

 

Or would you have the same feelings you have now that they have this attraction and connection?

 

You've said it's the fact he lied that troubles you, but I wonder now. Not judging just asking.

 

Heart shaped pizza or not, the man is trying very hard imo to correct what he screwed up by lying. People do make mistakes, bad judgment calls, it does happen and lesson learned.

 

I greatly respect Sherry's and LHGirl's opinion but demanding he 100% cut her off is a bit extreme, my opinion.

 

Your husband did not cheat. There is no evidence of cheating. And they're co-workers. No he doesn't have to initiate texts, but I would think cutting a co-worker off would be awkward for everyone.

 

They're friends, co-workers, went running and he lied. Yes very very poor judgment call on his part, I hate lies! But again he's trying very hard to fix it, make things right. Again my opinion.

 

That said, nevermind the lie. If you're uncomfortable with the fact they're friends and go for runs, then own that.

 

It's a different issue but if that's how you feel, then address that with him, instead of just the lie.

 

Because right now he's attempting to redeem himself for the lie, but if it's more than that, and you're uncomfortable with their friendship in general, then that needs to be addressed imo.

[Starlight925]

I greatly respect Sherry's and LHGirl's opinion but demanding he 100% cut her off is a bit extreme, my opinion.

 

I never said she should "demand" he cut her off.

 

I think he should, out of respect for his wife, cut her off, on his own.

 

If she demands, and he cuts her off, then it really doesn't mean anything.

 

But if he throws the heart-shaped pizza in the trash, and instead, tells Giata that he's decided he's going to cut off runner girl, then it's meaningful. Otherwise, he might as well open up a heart-shaped pizza store.

[katrina1980]

I never said she should "demand" he cut her off.

 

I think he should, out of respect for his wife, cut her off, on his own.

If she demands, and he cuts her off, then it really doesn't mean anything.

 

But if he throws the heart-shaped pizza in the trash, and instead, tells Giata that he's decided he's going to cut off runner girl, then it's meaningful. Otherwise, he might as well open up a heart-shaped pizza store.

 

That's what I meant.

[katrina1980]

One more thought which I could see happening to me..

 

You're uncomfortable with their friendship precisely because he lied.

 

I can understand that if that's what's happening.

 

Lies are toxic. Hate hate them!!

 

As said earlier, this thread is a true testament to how just one lie can destroy the entire fabric of an otherwise good relationship.

 

Destroy trust.

 

I hope you can work this out Glata, I truly do!

 

Best of luck. xx

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for all the insights.

 

We finally had a talk after a horrible week of sleeping in separate bedrooms. (My best friend advised him to leave me alone until I was ready to talk)

 

He was very apologetic and understood that if he didn’t understand the nature of their “friendship” and if he were in my shoes he would be very upset too.

 

He went all out. Ordering a heart shaped pizza (yea I know) declaring his love for me on social media. Non meaningful things but cute I guess.

 

Here are the facts:

He clicked with this married woman at work and says he can talk to her like she’s a guy.

They only work together two days a week and really only see each other for 30 minutes during those two days when their whole team plays taboo during lunch.

 

Their texts are mainly about their games and back and forth of how his team should’ve won or her team. Him asking how her sick son is feeling and then a whooooole lot about running, comparing miles and some gifs and pictures of them at work activities. There are no kissie faces, xoxos, miss you. Basically just texts during work hours throughout the week, frequently but pretty harmless stuff but it is clear they have a bond and lots of inside jokes.

 

He went running again today with a real (male) friend this time who is also running the half marathon and I know he enjoys doing those 10 milers with someone.

 

He says that he didn’t think I would approve, understand and would be jealous and bring it up for years to come.

 

What bothers me is that if it is an innocent friendship that he didn’t care about then why withhold it. And if he knew it would bother me then why do it? I knew nothing about her meanwhile he tells me everything about all of his other coworkers. I like them all and don’t have the slightest problem with them texting him, inviting him out.

 

He said she is not bad looking but she’s not me, that there is zero attraction, just a friendship Bc she is outgoing and very nice and got him thinking about running this half marathon.

 

He asked me what I wanted him to do and that he’ll do it in order for me to trust him again. He said if he stops responding to her texts all together he will look like a jerk because it is a coworker and that’s just how they all interact. (He doesn’t text as frequently with any of his other coworkers)

He said he won’t text her first again and then maybe she’ll kinda stop too and get the hint.

 

None of this sits well with me because now I look like the nagging wife who wants to know about their contact when I just don’t want to be lied to. But at this point because of this secret one on one which seems to be so insignificant to him I am no longer comfortable with this bond they share.

 

Going through the motions of being happy we talked it out and reconnected A LOT. And then not being able to sleep because I keep thinking about how he probably really liked the attention from this woman and cherished their bond.

 

I don’t know if I’m overreacting and it really is nothing.

Forgiveness. Without it, your marriage won't have much of a chance. Remember: Nothing happened.

 

Bottom line: By talking about this and getting him to "come clean" so to speak, you have made the first step to ending what could have been the beginning of an emotional affair. I suspect that he'll be cognizant of his romantic relationship boundaries now and will nip any inappropriate behavior or interaction with her in the bud.

 

Congratulations on being able to communicate and resolve... now you just have to forgive and trust that he'll start distancing himself from this co-worker.

 

All the best going forward.

[SherrySher]

now you just have to forgive and trust that he'll start distancing himself from this co-worker.

 

I think this is the point LHgirl and I are saying..he doesn't want to distance himself from her, he never did.

 

It would be nice if he would be respectful and stay away, but he's going to find reasons as to why he needs to still talk with her.

[ThatwasThen]

I think this is the point LHgirl and I are saying..he doesn't want to distance himself from her

Where does it say that? He has told the OP that he will not contact her first and that by doing that, his coworker may cut back on the interaction.

 

It would be nice if he would be respectful and stay away, but he's going to find reasons as to why he needs to still talk with her.

With all due respect, Sherry... we don't know that.

 

Time will tell but from where I'm sitting, he's trying to be diplomatic (because he does have to work with her) while distancing himself.

 

In anyevent, without forgiveness, the OP will very likely give him more reason to seek Miss Runner out. One can forgive without forgetting and be vigilant about his behaviour without being controlling. Giving up the friendship has to be his idea. If he's not going to give it up altogether then he best make sure that he introduces his wife to her and he makes it clear to this woman and most importantly to his wife that his wife is his Significant Other.

[Batya33]

Yes, unfortunately, I wish I didn't feel the way that SherrySher does, but I do.

 

A heart-shaped pizza? I have. No. Words.

 

But yes, he should be telling his friend that he can no longer run with her, or text her. Not simply wait for her to text him. He's playing cowardly lion because he doesn't want that relationship to end. And making you a heart-shaped pizza so you'll tell your friends what a cute heart-shaped pizza he made you.

 

I didn't understand all that and now I do. Yes, he should stop texting with her but I thought he was required to do so for work purposes? Sorry, confused.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for all the insights.

 

We finally had a talk after a horrible week of sleeping in separate bedrooms. (My best friend advised him to leave me alone until I was ready to talk)

 

He was very apologetic and understood that if he didn’t understand the nature of their “friendship” and if he were in my shoes he would be very upset too.

 

He went all out. Ordering a heart shaped pizza (yea I know) declaring his love for me on social media. Non meaningful things but cute I guess.

 

There are too many people involved here. Kick your best friend, mom - whoever he is using to "triangulate" with you out of your marriage.

Also, the fact that he declares it on social media is just him patting himself on the back to hear himself talk.

 

And he doesn'tw ant to ignore her? That's easy -- he can tell her to stop texting

[katrina1980]

Maybe I'm naive or too forgiving but I think if me I could seriously let this go.

 

As has been said, nothing ever happened, nor any indication he wanted anything to happen, they're co-workers and friends. They're both runners training for a marathon and that was it.

 

There is a man in my office I am friends with, we've had lunch one on one. He's very attractive but I'm not "attracted to" him in the least.

 

We're friends. Co-workers.

 

Now for me, when my bf asked who I had lunch with, I told him. He did not become insecure, did not feel threatened or suspect anything, nothing more was ever mentioned about it.

 

That said, I know some men who would not have told the truth and lied. Not because anything untoward was going on but because there are some women who would have over-reacted, become suspicious and accused him of cheating.

 

I know women exactly like this! Hell I have a friend who goes psycho when her bf tags a female friend's pic on FB. A woman he's been friends with for 20 years! A complete drama fest follows. I cannot even imagine her reaction if he had lunch with her.

 

She thinks he should block all his female friends on FB, she does not believe it's appropriate.

 

I'm not suggesting Glata is like this, in fact she's very accepting of his other female friends.

 

But who knows what his thought process was at the time he told that lie.

 

I could be very wrong I acknowledge this!

 

My issue is that there is so much speculation, that he's attracted to her, they have this connection, but just no proof.

 

If my bf expected me to stop interacting with my male co-worker friend for any reason, I know I'd resent him big time for that!

 

Even if I made a bad judgment call and failed to disclose I had lunch with him, which I never would, just trying to make a point.

 

As TwT and I said, the ability to forgive is soooooo important.

 

Pick your battles. There was no cheating, no indication OP's husband even wants to cheat!

 

Not telling you what to do OP, you shoud do what's best for you, but if me, given the facts as I know them, without over-thinking, speculating, or assumimg, I would choose to give him the benefit of the doubt, and forgive.

 

Not forget, but forgive and continue observing.

 

I might even suggest we meet! So I could become friends with her too!

 

If she has a bf, perhaps we could even double date!

 

I'm serious!

[Batya33]

But why do we need to share with our partners who we had lunch with? My husband tells me only because typically he goes to lunch from home (teleworks in the morning) so he'll tell me his lunch plans. Sometimes I ask just, well, because. But if I had lunch with a friend at the office, male or female, I likely would tell him since we talk about our days but if he was out of town or busy or whatever I might not and it wouldn't be because it was a man. I think in the OP's situation there was more to it than a harmless coworker lunch once in awhile.

[katrina1980]

In my case Bat, it was a new cool restaurant and I told my bf I had checked it out that day.

 

He asked who I went with and I told him.

 

No big deal, but I do typically like to share with my bf about my day.

 

Not every single minute, but I do like to share in that way. My choice.

 

He likes it too.

 

We can agree to disagree about the motivations of OP's husband, apparently I see things a bit differently than others, which is ok..

 

I would let it go this time but continue observing. Just me.

[Wiseman2]

Yes. Ask yourself why he feels the need to contact your people to get them on his side? And the social media stuff and heart shaped pizza are even more cheap tricks.

he is using to "triangulate" with you out of your marriage.

the fact that he declares it on social media is just him patting himself on the back to hear himself talk.