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Everything posted by East4

  1. She most probably did not want to have sex with you on the morning of her period, women rarely want that as they feel sore already several days before and espacially on the day. She did put out and may felt resentful for sacrificing for you, especially if you were too willing and pushing for it. She felt you owned her for her 'sacrifice' of putting out when she didn't want to, so she expected you to do a cut above when her tummy hurt. She obviously didn't feel your help was up a par, so in her mind you were ungrateful. This is how I think her internal dialogue went on. Not saying it's OK, her reaction, but you could also be more aware and sensitive to her female clock.
  2. Confused relationship? Oh, I thought that the thread was about this very confused marriage...because it is beyond my understanding how spouses can live under the same roof, but avoid intimacy for 10 years...and avoid addressing the issue. What is the reason for avoiding to acknowledge the elephant in the room? Is there anything more confusing than a marriage for appearances? It is my understanding that every human being needs physical intimacy. I do not believe that the husband simply does not need physical contact from OP, most probably he gets it from someone else, perhaps he may be gay. And OP seems to be willing to sweep the issue under the rug. Rather than escapism in a fantasy affair, I'd advise that OP demands straight answers from her husband as for why their marriage is deprived from intimacy.
  3. OP, you do the same: any time forum posters try to talk to YOU about your enabling the mooch boyfriend, you just shut down. So, with your inability to communicate assertively, it is not a surprise that you are being financially taken advantage of and your precious youth wasted. It is questionable, if you are unable to comeback with a reply to anonymous people on the internet, if you could muster the courage to speak up for yourself to your boyfriend. *sigh*
  4. So, then it is not true that your wife is just a homebody if she mountain hikes for a month. Reading through your posts it seems like you, vomer, are just looking for an excuse to cheat on your wife, citing biking as an excuse to engage with another woman. This is the most absurd and tragic-comical excuse for cheating/divorce I have ever heard. If you are going through some sort of late mid-life crisis, own it, the problem is on you.
  5. Saifox, why are you wasting your precious fertility window with a mooch who is drains you dry of your hard-earned money? You have barely another 10 years of opportunity to bear children, so you have to chose your partners carefully if you want marriage and children. You already work yourself to exhaustion and have nothing to show for your hard work, because your excuse of a boyfriend drains your finances. He has even no decency to discuss the issue with you. Would you marry him and have children with him, if you know that he is not capable to provide for himself, left alone for you and children? Are you prepared to work yourself to death to barely get by your entire life if you marry this man and have children with him? What a miserable way of life this would be for you and your kids. If you think about the future and what you want from it, and you do not see your boyfriend to be a supportive figure in this future of yours, then it is time to change the status quo. Put your foot firmly down and tell your boyfriend to get out of the apartment, because you are not his mommy anymore and he has to get a job.
  6. Your husband is an abusive and controlling man, this is why he nearly killed you. It is not the affair that pushed him over the edge. Most men who (sadly) got cheated on, do not batter their wives/girlfriends, no matter how hurt and angry they are. Your husband nearly killed you because he feels entitled to have total control over your life. Up until this point, I guess you have been completely submissive and maleable, so he had no reason to assault you. He felt that you were under his control. Now, with the affair he feels stupid and duped and he punished you because his feelings are hurt, but also he is enraged that you are not submissive and controllable anymore. It seems that at a ceratin level you "accept" the punishment as justufied and this is a sure sign of an abused woman. DO you understand that you do not deserve to be assualted, whatever cheating you did? Cheating is bad, but you do not deserve broken bones for it. All posters here on this forum are highly critical of cheaters, it suffices to read through the 'Infidelity' section. But none of the cheathers critics support the idea of a person being killed/battered for having cheated. The two infractions are of totally different scale. Life is the ultimate good, the most precious one has. No body has the right to take away your life, for a moral mistake. Moral mistakes are corrigeable, but once a person is dead, she is dead and cannot come back to life. Your husband is very manipulative and shows clear signs of abuser. In one breath he said that he would never hurt you again; and then proceeds to threaten you again with violence, when you refused to disclose your affair partner's address. Quote He told me he will never lay a hand on me again. Quote I told him I wasn't going to do it because I don't want no one else getting hurt. Then he said either tell him or there going to be hell to pay for everyone involved. Quote Your husband is lying, he is dangerous and you should alert the authrorities of his continuing threats against you and your affair partner. Else, chances are that your husband will eventually find your affair partner and kill him. And by alerting the police you can prevent that.
  7. OP, now your priority must be your safety, there will be time later on to deal with guilt for your infidelity. This marriage is over, you cannot return to a man who broke your arm and nose. Nope. Get your head out of the cloud of confusions and drama and get down to practical tasks: paramount is your safety; no more contact with your husband and his family (quit talking to your SIL); press charges for battery and death threat, collect all the evidence, especially the medical records of the physical damage; and file for divorce, there is no going back from what has happened. If you return back to your husband, he will sure kill you.
  8. Temporary insanity relies on two premises, neither of which is present in the current case: 1) with temporary insanity, the crime is not premeditated. In this case the physical assault was planned/premeditated, because the OP's husband lured her into a trap. He knew very well that he wanted to physically assault her, hence the invitation to "talk". 2) the perpetrator of the crime in a state of temporary insanity, does not have the mental capacity to comprehend the consequences of his/her actions. In the current case, the husband knew very well that by beating up his wife, he caused her severe physical damage. He proceeded with death threats, which shows that he understands very well the harm he inflicted on OP. Does not seem to me at all like a case of "snapping" or "temporary insanity". More of a case of entitled husband whose feelings and ego are hurt by his wife's infidelity and he feels justified to assault her like a savage.
  9. Glad you ended it. It is still worth it reporting this creep to the authorities, because : 1) it will establish a police record of the illegal distribution of intimate videi without your consent. Next time he does it, and he will, it will be a recurrent offence. Perhaps another woman before you, has already filed a complaint for the same transgression. 2) do not assume that the police will do nothing. You may meet the right police officer with enough integrity to take your complaint to heart. The police can make this creep and his friends delete all copies of the video and remove it from any website, if they stooped so low to broadcast it. I would not be surprised. What this creep is doing, is beyond despicable and is illegal. It is a case of sl** - shaming and there are multiple cases of women taking their lives, as a result of being s**t shamed.
  10. OP, the opening paragraph of your first post speaks volumes about the dynamic of your relationship. And it is not a good dynamic, so the current crisis was coming for a long time, the lockdown just accelerated it. What happened actually is that you bulldozed this girl to be in relationship with you. If it took you 5 months to relentlessly pursue her and you admit you were a rebound, after the fiasco of her important relationship with her previous ex, it seems that she was, at best, lukewarm about you. As you put it, Finally she accepted to be in relationship with you, because she needed practical and financial support in a foreign country that she has not been adapting to too well, so a lovestruck local following her like a puppy was a good opportunity to get help. The rest of your post also shows that you were financially supporting her all the way through your relationship, even now that she is your ex. The fact that you fell for her at the first date, and knowing that men are visual creatures, shows that you fell for her looks, rather than for her personality because at that point you did not know that girl. To conclude, the scenario of your relationship goes along these lines: an insecure, average looking local guy falls head over heals with a gorgeous foreign girl (is she Eastern European?), that is way above his league in the looks department. He knows he will never be able to get a girlfriend this good looking, she knows she needs help in a foreign country; so she compromises and accepts his relentless advances, not because she loves him, but because she enjoys his support. He pushes through the relationship milestones at the speed of light, because he is insecure and wants to cement the relationship: 7 month mark moving in together (too soon!), 1,5 year mark buying property together (again too soon!, and I am sure you paid for most of it, as at this point she was just figuring her way jobwise, and I doubt she was making a fortune). She tastes the freedom to have a job and independent income for herself, then COVID hits and she stays home bored all day long, watching her boyfriend excelling at his career. This certainly has created resentment in her. Her boyfriend also starts to criticize her, treat her in a patronizing ways, giving her unsolicited advice until she is totally fed up with him. The dynamics have changed, now he has the upper hand. She feels like a prisoner, being so dependent on him and not happy how he treats her. This is just a speculation, but it is also possible that she might have started talking to a new guy, or who knows her previous ex, while her boyfriend puts long hours at work. OP, from the start this relationship has only been the result of your insecurity and her need of financial/practical support. The foundation of this relationship was for the wrong reasons, so the results are only natural. I'd recommend you sell the joint apartment as soon as possible and part ways with this girl as soon as possible to save your mental/emotional health. The money that you will lose from selling at the low of real estate market, will be an expensive lesson learnt for next relationship to never buy property with a girlfriend, no matter how good looking she is and how desperate you are.
  11. you are not crazy, just coming out of the fog of distorted reality, constructed by your ex. It will subside after a few months and you will get to see clearly.
  12. Hi Sara, glad that you enjoy the support of family and friends, this is really a safe heaven in situations like that, when a victim of domestic abuse leaves the abuser. Even better you are talking to a shrink. One very positive thing I noticed in your posts, is that you realise that the abuse was not your fault, and you have done nothing to deserve that. Many victims, right after the break up with an abuser, believe that they are at least partially responsible for being abused, because they angered/ disappointed/hurt the abuser. This is the typical brainwashing that abusers do to the victims to make them believe that the abuse was justified (e.g. "I hit you, because I told you to not talk to male clerks, but you did anyway. You sl*t deserve to be slapped around!"). Probably he is laying low now, thinking that your anger will subside and you will miss him, which will allow him to waltz back in your life. There will be moments of nostalgia and sadness, but the sadness normally comes from the feeling of loneliness and seeing one's dreams crashed and one's time and energy wasted in vain, rather than missing being treated like a slave. Be strong, do not get the bait to talk, see him and be always aware of your surroundings. Get a pepper spray and hook it to your set of keys, like that it is always handy. If possible, follow the "street lights" rule, i.e. when the street lights turn on, you should be in the safety of your home. Or if you have to go out/return back late in the evening, make sure you are accompanied by a friend/family member. Alter your daily routine: take different ways to home, leave/return back home at different times, so that in case he stalks you, you will be unpredictable, thus out of his reach. Well done, Sara.
  13. So, what's next, sex with you in the presence of his friends, may be? He has been absolutely disrespectful towards you and if you have some sort of self-respect, you should dump this jerk asap. He is 51, not 15, even teenage boys would think twice before disrespecting a girl/woman like that.
  14. Congratulations on your courage to leave this sick b****rd. Controlling people amplify their abuse when they see their victims slipping out of their control, so please take all precautions for your safety. I hope you went back to your family and cut all contact with this abusive excuse of a man. Please do not take the bait when he starts circling back with promises for change. He will not change. If I may ask, what was the last drop that made you break up with him? I hope this time it is for good. Do not go back with him, because every time you go back, it becomes more and more difficult to leave the abuse. Once again, kudos for your strength to leave your awful ex.
  15. OP, I remember your previous threads in which you were debating whether to marry the Ukrainian lady that you got to know exclusively over the internet with very little face-to-face interaction. Many people were telling you not to marry her, but you went ahead nevertheless. Now you deal with the consequences and you should not be complaining of what you singlehandedly brought on yourself . The vast majority of Russian and Ukrainian women do not merry western man for love, but for a visa and to be financially taken care of. Your case has become part of the statistics. I'd suggest that you respectfully make the arrangements to dissolve the marriage, unless you enjoy being taken to the cleaners. Do not give your Ukrainian wife alone time with your credit cards. I do not know the laws of your state, but I recall a poster in your previous thread, saying that even if you divorce your wife, you will still be financially liable for her and her son for a period of time, as she has no other support system in the US. And she may not want to leave the country. So, perhaps better check the rules. And a last word: do not expect your wife to roll up her sleeves and get a job. For the Russians and Ukrainians, men make the money, women spend them. If I recall correctly, she even told you this straight to your face when you asked her, before starting the visa procedure.
  16. Agree with another poster that OP overstepped boundaries by policing and demanding a detailed account of his GF's sexual past. I guess, she felt cornered by his inquisition and lied to him, which is a knee-jerk reaction. Nobody is entitled to know anybody's number of sexual relationships, unless the info is volunteered, or is disclosed for health reasons. OP strikes me like one very insecure, hence controlling man, who uses his GF's past against her and feels entitled to control her from his morally high ground. His morally higher ground is most probably not because of his high ethics (an ethical person does not walk away on their unborn child), but because women did not find him attractive, therefore he stayed in his one toxic relationship. Also agree that despite her dynamic dating history, he had no problem using her for sex and now is running away like a coward when she is pregnant. Posters are solely focusing on her, but OP is the one who decided to stay with her and father a child. I think he has no right to crucify her with judgements and intrusive questions about her past.
  17. Yes, I'm aware, I'm following the thread from the beginning. I cannot understand à clear split from an ex, if one is hanging out with the ex's friend group, working with him, etc. Looks like an unfinished business with an ex.
  18. Yeah, right. And going on holidays with him too. Strictly professional? 😅
  19. As a woman, when I'm in relationship, I'd either ignore a message from exes, or reply after 3 days with a short 'OK' or 'Thanks'. Exes get the message pretty quickly. Networking with exes... Hmm, so many other options for networking, unless they offer a 1M'£ deal, what's the point in getting into sticky situations with exes and disrespect your current partner.
  20. Honestly some posters here have been condescending and projecting their own experience on bbogdanov's story. What works for Batya is not a 'Golden standard' and she should not be pushing her opinion and get upset when bbogdanov disagrees. I disagree too that bbogdanov's concerns have no merit and are stemming from his insecurity: to me bbogdanov's GF does lack proper boundaries with her exes and she has been manipulative. She cut a date short to speak with her ex at 11pm while on a date with bbogdanov. Then lied whom she was talking to. Then she is leaving on holidays with said ex. These are so flaring red flags. Girl has no proper boundaries with exes, and when OP is bringing his concerns here, he is getting linched for discussing openly his fears. I concur as well, that when ex lovers (men) get in touch with exes, they do have a hidden agenda. Men in BG are too pragmatic to waste time with niceties if they have no 'business' in mind. And she is too nice to cut them off.. doesn't sit right with me.
  21. Look, if you have unhealed trust issues from a past relationship, they will always bleed into your current relationship. So, based on the additional information, we can establish that it is not the concept of marriage that you are against/do not understand, but it is your past hurt that drives your behavior. Basically your girlfriend is paying the dues of your past unfortune. This is not fair to her. Perhaps you could explore your fears of commitment with a professional before you take the leap to either cement your commitment to your girlfriend the proper way, or you better let her go, because you are NOT all in in this relationship. cheers
  22. This is your answer right there in your own words. Marriage is the ultimate commitment and devotion to a partner, even when things do go wrong (which inevitably happens in the life of a couple). From your statement above in bold font, it looks like you are one foot out the door and you will bolt as soon as the relationship deteriorated. The overall feeling, reading through your post, is that yours is a relationship of convenience, rather than one based on the conviction that your girlfriend is the one for you, the person that you trust to be in your corner, whatever life may throw at you. Looks like you leverage her financial power, but at the same time your primary concern remains your own protection for when " if anything was to go wrong in the relationship." Marriage is when one does know that hardship is in store at some moment in the future, and that the person one has chosen is the best person you want to face that hardship with. Two individuals whose sole concern is their own self-preservation when hardship does knock on the door: this is not marriage, even if you might have bought 10 houses together and shared bed for 20 years. I hope this clarifies
  23. This guy has been acting weird all along, this is not the first time. I remember your previous thread, where you said he had been expecting you to do all the chasing, organising dates, and inviting him. Then he threw a tantrum and stormed out of your house when he showed up unannounced (!) and was upset that you had a friend over to your house. You started this current thread that you have worked things out with him. Obviously nothing has been worked out and he continues to disrespect you. Nothing has changed. You cannot "work out" deep seeded selfish behaviors and immaturity in a 50-something old man. So, I'd suggest you quit playing the victim and please take responsibility that you made a conscious choice to keep engaging with a man who all along has been sprinkling red flags like a fountain left, right and center. I'd suggest you quit all contact with this unhealthy guy, and fill in your covid passenger form for yourself only and you go to Jamaica alone and have a blast there. Do not be such a doormat, please. Your happiness does not require a man at all cost.
  24. Thanks for clarifying, Meg. Given the work invested in the house project, I see how your husband might feel slighted. Joint projects sometimes cause frictions between family members, in particular when you have a person with a sharp tongue and another with a sensitive ego. It is not easy for the ones caught in the middle.
  25. There was a concrete question where I've read the fact that I was commenting on, so I clarified. I also think that in order to give advice, the description of the situation merits a careful reading, else the advice would be off the mark.
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