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bluecastle

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Everything posted by bluecastle

  1. And about this? A more honest translation from him, I think, would be: “Babe, I’m running out of ways to assure you I’m super duper into you. I stopped looking at porn and completely absorbed your narrative of shame, convincing myself I had a problem. I have sex with you all the time and talked to your mom about marriage. If that’s still not enough I don’t know what to do. Maybe try punishing me or withholding or…something…and see if that makes you feel better.” Big picture: everyone is different when it comes to all this. Not just that. Everyone exists in a glorious state of flux and evolution. One month they’re super randy, another they’re not. One week lingerie boils the blood, the next it’s sweatpants. This variation and mystery is the best part of it all, though the key to accessing that door is self-assurance.
  2. I think a more honest translation of the above would be: ”The main reason I make a big fuss about intimacy is because I am very insecure, fret constantly about my own looks and hotness, and I need constant reassurance from him that I am fuego.” And if you can own that? You can change the whole narrative here, find a kind of power, become less obsessed with using sex and erections as barometers for your own self worth. Without owning that, however, you’re just going to keep spinning around in this place, continuously looking for signs of his dissatisfaction because it feeds your own narrative about yourself.
  3. Curious: Would an armchair sociologist put the guys you're describing into a single category, or are we talking about dudes from all walks of life? Like, if I saw them from across the bar and had to summarize them in a sentence, would the same sentence apply to most? I ask because my sense is that this sort of thing is pretty common...in certain corners of humanity. Gym-rat alpha dogs, say. Or rabid finance bros. Guys fond of hair gel and fast cars. And so on. Granted, I haven't been single in over 5 years, but I never thought of this as the "new norm" when I was swiping left and right. And among my single fiends, male and female, it's not something that comes up regularly. Sure, you'll occasionally hear of people getting sloppy with hot sauce—I recall some tawdry pics coming out of nowhere from my swiping days—but it seems more the exception than the norm. At least as far as I know.
  4. Here's the thing, and hopefully a lesson that can be gleaned from all this: It's not a competition. There are no sides. No winning, no losing, no "playing." That is for basketball courts, soccer fields, theater stages—or, perhaps a more familiar realm, social media like/follower counts. The story here, meanwhile, is simply one of two people—you and him—who took a stab at connecting and only got so far. From where I sit, for whatever it's worth? Your fixation on "sides" and "did I get played?" is perhaps a reflection of a mentality to reflect on a bit. Because it seemed you were kind of "playing" him in ways and part of what you're angry about right now is that you "lost." That IG post of yours? C'mon, that was a play (for attention, for compliments, for something...). The arguments? Also a play. The quasi-breakups and impulsive unfriending? More plays in search of the same points. Now, I'm not saying you were alone in this—he's got his own gamesmanship tendencies, and it's likely that that's the common ground in which you two created some early intrigue and hot sauce. Hot sauce, though, is not connection. It's just a sensation—and a fleeting one. You can try to maintain it (to stretch this metaphor) though more and more hot sauce. But there is a limit to that: it gets old, stops tasting good, no different than a plate of food drenched in literal hot sauce. Back to the point at hand: While I am not here "taking sides," I am here talking to you, not him. And you are the only person you can look within and, if need be, or if desired, change. He's just one a billion or so dudes on the planet, doing his thing. You liked part of that thing—maybe the part that was hot and distant?—and went to work on seeing if you could mold the parts that weren't there into what you wanted. Another play. Which, hey, all good. Live and learn. If what you truly need for happiness and harmony is a super effusive dude—well, cool. Now you know to gracefully bow out next time you get wind of "nonchalant" rather than going into the playbook to see about finding some blood in those sorts of stones.
  5. Reading your update, my thoughts/opinion ran something like: I really, really hope she can find a way to forgive herself for a stretch of life that, in the grand scheme of things, should not merit any shame or guilt at all. So she hooked up with some randoms—in that she is hardly alone, hardly a "hoe," but simply a human being finding her footing and slipping around a bit, as most of us humans do. It even sounds like one of her instances of "cheating" is more connected to being shamed than actually, well, breaking a mutually agreed-upon boundary. I share the above because as long as she continues to feel shame about all that—and anything that's a whiff of it—the instinct to lie will be there, as lying is often motivated by shame, and that snake chasing its tail is what often leads to other unfortunate choices and actions and a general stunting of maturity. In other words, it's not something your forgiveness can "cure," though it is important that your forgiveness is genuine and that you don't genuinely view her as some kind of "hoe." Yes, it's unfortunate that she couldn't be straight with you about this from the onset—and for some people that would be a dealbreaker. Whether it is for you is a question only you can answer. As it seems, you've made a choice. Now live that choice for a bit, with open eyes, and you'll have all the answers you need.
  6. For whatever it's worth... My personal take is that anger is a powerful and often corrosive emotion—and, as such, we give a certain power (to corrode us) to wherever and whomever we direct it. In the aftermath of hurt, of course, anger is not just normal but a basic instinct. If you materialized from these pixels and slashed my tires, for example, I would be very angry with you. But if that anger remained acute a year later, or a five years later—well, I would call that infusing something (you, the slashing of my tires) with more power than needed, and potentially locking myself into a less than healthy place in the process. The reason I highlighted the above sentence is because, to me, if the flip side of anger is "weakness" that doesn't mean the anger is giving you any real strength. It's more like a mirror, reflecting back at you raw feelings, just in a way that softens them with the guise of "power." Which is totally okay, normal, human, all that gooey stuff. Sounds like there's a painful stretch at the root of this, and even if it's a bit in the rearview mirror, and you're happy with your current situation, the wound is allowed to still be healing. I say let it, more by acknowledging the swirl of feelings—anger here, fading anger there, an unexpected spell of warmth toward him, and so on—without judging them in binary terms (strong vs. weak etc.) or reacting to them at all. When people talk about "time healing," I think they're talking to some degree about anger dissolving into something like indifference. It's not quite a linear cycle, maybe more of a loop that eventually spirals out. What you're describing here sounds like a little trip around that loop when you thought you were on a straighter line. All good. Just not sure if the answer is figuring out how to "hold on" to anger so much as accept that there may be one or two loops around this until the temperature cools.
  7. What strikes me as troublesome here is your outlook far more than your history. Nothing to be ashamed of, in short. And, all in all, probably far closer to a pretty typical past than anything outlandish. Most importantly, though? It's your history, nobody else's business, and nothing you're required to share with anyone. What I mean by that is: If I was single and dating, I'd be way more thrown by someone telling me their "body count," an expression that induces in me instant nausea, than whether they'd hooked up with 3 or 30 people before me. Just my opinion, but the people who care deeply about that sort of thing are themselves not really people to waste any time with or trying to impress.
  8. This is just my own opinion, but I invariably raise an eyebrow when I hear of couples devoting time and oxygen to discussing "body counts" and the minute details of how their virginity was "lost." These are generally the obsessions of high school cafeterias and tabloids, not the glue of bonding between adults. So, in the name of better understanding the big picture here, I ask: How on earth is it that these completely meaningless things became mainstays of your early courtship? Were you often asking her about her past, about men, perhaps fearing "where she had been" and requiring all the details to sate your anxiety? Or was she in the habit of freely sharing saucy details—Facebook foot-fetish orbiters, a play by play of her first time, and so on—in shards that, upon further inquiry, turned out to be half-truths? Some clarity there would be helpful. Anyhow, I get that you are right now focused on the recent "reveal," as anyone would be. But from where I sit it seems that what's happening now is likely connected to a larger dynamic you two have co-constructed over the course of the past five years, one where litigating past sexual choices (specifically hers) is a norm. Without knowing more it's hard to say whether yesterday was another instant of TMI on her end or a hiccup of shame-fear connected to earlier interrogation sessions—or, of course, something else entirely. But I do think it's probably a more complicated story than you being victimized by a lie. What you've described, after all, is not quite a lie. It's an instant of her not being transparent about something until yesterday. Why is she so scared to talk to you about things? That your first read on this is that she has been cheating on you might be sign—but, all in all, if you want anything like a future you're going to have to find a way to be curious about her reasons for only telling you now rather than assuming the absolute worst. And if that's not possible? Well, I'd say that might mean you may both be better off in relationships where past choices don't eclipse the present.
  9. Ugh—what a tough situation. It seems that the first bridge to try to mend here is that with your kids. I understand divorce is hard and that everyone grieves differently, but total silence over multiple years is pretty rare. Any sense of why they remain so averse to finding a way to connect? Have there been any attempts at mending this rift? Were you and your children close prior to the divorce? As for your granddaughter, I understand that you'd like her to meet your partner: she's family, like your kids, and we intrinsically want those we love to meet our families. But given the circumstances, I think the only thing you can do right now is respect your son's wishes while making it clear to him that you would like to move past this stage and are here to talk, you and him, whenever he is willing and able.
  10. Sorry you're dealing with all this. I've highlighted the above as a statement I hope you can reflect on it with a wider—and perhaps more honest—lens at some point on your healing journey. Because at least from these seats? It's very hard to reconcile "good foundation" with the early tension surrounding your female friendships, which seemed to have reached a boiling point after only 6 months, followed by another wave of tension surrounding your usage of Instagram. To stretch the "foundation" analogy a bit: If you were talking here about a new home you would be describing one where the literal foundation was showing very serious cracks almost immediately after moving in—a home where very little weight was required on the proverbial floorboards to challenge its structural integrity. After all, there was no severe weather system that came through and led to this present moment—no major lie surfacing, no sudden illness or loss of a job—but just the basic business of coexisting. Typically, when we are drawn to someone who wears their insecurities on their sleeve in the way that she has it's because some insecurity inside of us has been activated. That can be very hot and very vulnerable and can feel, for a stretch, like profound intimacy. Over time, however, it so often curdles into drama. Drama can be fun too—I fully own I have a sweet tooth for it—but it's a bit like candy: Try to make a full meal out of it and you end up sick and malnourished. There might be a lesson there, for the building of future foundations—with others, and within.
  11. Sorry about all this. For some perspective in this very hard time, I would go back to your posts on this site from seven years ago, before you two were married. It seems that she was bringing up a desire for an open relationship then, and while I won't presume to know how that was resolved at the time, it feels safe to say that this value gap between you two was never quite bridged so much as dodged. Great that you're consulting with an attorney, and putting your son first. Lean into all that. The peace, comfort, and connection you so crave is real. Sadly, it seems clear that the first step to finding it is accepting that it is not in her, or in your relationship, to find.
  12. Sorry about all this. I realize it's tough, but from the outside this really seems like a moment to take a deep breath, check in with yourself, and learn to sit with some uncomfortable feelings. Because my impression here is that your impulse to react to such feelings—and specifically to lean on men to pacify them—is part of what got you here. As in: things were fizzling with the bf, and comfort was sought with a new guy rather than through a clean, honest break and taking a moment to feel all those thorny feelings. When new guy turned out to be insta-comfort rather than a genuine connection, you again sidestepped processing all that but instead jumped back to your boyfriend and lied...why? That's a question to really explore on your own, but seems at least in part because you worried the truth would mean not getting the comfort you were seeking. I mean none of this to tsk-tsk you. I've been in versions of your shoes, and when I was around your age I certainly bounced around a lot and scraped up plenty of hearts—my own among them—in the process. I struggled to be honest as well, because I was pretty selfish and really struggled with just sitting with myself. It was moments like the one you're in now that served as wake up calls, as I hope this one can be for you. So, hard as it is, I would turn your focus away from "fixing" this relationship, which sounds like it broke down long before all this, and instead working on the wiring of your own motor. It'll mean being lonely and uncomfortable for a bit, but I think if you're really honest with yourself you've already learned that trying to outrun loneliness and discomfort only enhances those feelings and doesn't lead to the kinds of connections you want.
  13. Without question. Whatever the case, I think the best part of this story is: You went and had a blast. That is forever, not just in terms of the adventure, but the part of you that you were able to tap into to go forth a wander on your own. As someone who has done a lot of solo wandering—and who in ways does now does it for a living—I'd find time to acknowledge that part of this to yourself as something to cherish and be grateful of because it's seriously badass.
  14. Good question. Maybe it was the gap between reality vs fantasy asserting itself. Or maybe it was because, back in my US life, I had recently gone on a date that seemed promising and shed a light on the inherent limitations of something like this. All in all, what I remember is that she felt a whole lot more like a complete stranger than someone I vibed with, not all that different than when you go on one great date with someone and then, alas, date number two is just a dud.
  15. Ah, yes, this makes perfect sense. I think it's inevitable that dating stirs this stuff a bit. Nothing to be self-judgmental over overly ruminative about, but just a thing to accept. Give yourself a minute to just feel these feelings—rather than try to dodge them through dating—and I suspect it'll all be behind you sooner than later. For whatever it's worth? A few lives ago I met a woman in France thanks to a rightward swipe. We enjoyed a lovely evening of long talks together and kept in touch when I returned to the U.S. When a work trip to Greece came up a few months later, I asked if she wanted to meet. Wasn't thinking she was my future love—wasn't really thinking much, to be honest. Anyhow, the instant I saw her in the hotel lobby I knew I had made a mistake, and we proceeded to share five memorably awkward days together where we basically skipped over all that can be fun between two people and settled into the mold of a resentful couple. Not really sharing to apply to your situation—save to say that these sorts of things so rarely take off—but really just to offer a little laugh, as I'm an ardent believer that laughter is essential when life gets blue.
  16. Sorry about all this. I think you've already diagnosed what's happening here: The whirl of the trip, the whirl of returning—in all that movement the full weight of grief was kept at bay. Now that life has returned to normal, it makes sense that you're feeling the void of this more acutely. No shame in that. Just something bitter to sit with and let move through you, trusting it's not a permanent condition. In other words, I wouldn't think of this as a "mini relapse" so much as a stage in letting go and moving on. Aside from this, how's life in general? Do you enjoy where you live, your friends, your job? Prior to this, how was dating locally going for you? I ask because—and this is really just my own experience—I've found that I've tended to gravitate toward situations like this (e.g. ones that blossom outside of "reality") when there is something in my life I'm less than pleased with and, as such, the portal to a different life, something pixilated communication is very good at creating, is all the more alluring.
  17. In fairness here, the use of the terms "a break" and "no contact" feel a bit loaded for what you're describing. You saw he was stressed and offered, as a stress release valve, seven days of silence. He accepted the offer. Here you guys are. Now, given how stressed all this has made you, I would reconsider this approach in the future. Like, maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme? And maybe rather than proposing a solution, you can simply ask him: What do you need, right now, to manage your stress? Then listen to what he says, along with listening to yourself in order to gauge if his needs are something you can give.
  18. I'm thinking there is some misunderstanding in this thread. When you used the term "break," did you just mean a weeklong break from talking rather than a kind of qualified "break up"? If that's the case, I don't think there's really a whole lot to be analyzing here: he was stressed, you gave a bit more space than usual, now you guy are back to business. Moving forward, you now both have a sense of whether these sorts of "breaks"—if my understanding is correct—are good for you and your relationship.
  19. Sorry about this tough moment. I am by nature a dreamer, a romantic, and an optimist—along with someone who has a very high threshold for physical and emotional discomfort. In that, I'm tempted to tell you what I suspect you want to hear: stay still, stay strong, and it'll likely pan out as you long for. And, hey, it might. I'm hoping it does for you. But some things to think about in this purgatory: Do you want to be creating a dynamic—with him, in romance in general—where stress is dealt with via "breaks"? Or do you want to be creating a dynamic where life—in all its glories and hardships—is something that can coexist alongside a relationship?
  20. Hard situation, without question. All things being what they are, I think you've made the right choice, as it seems you two are in very different mindsets when it comes to children—more different, in ways, than you're even acknowledging. You know you want them, simple as that. She, meanwhile, is in a vague place—one I can very much relate to. I don't think it's nearly as complex or mysterious as you're making it out to be. She simply doesn't know, doesn't want to guarantee anything, and needs for that to be...absolutely fine. Think of her mindset as being as equally simple and as concrete as yours, meaning (as it seems you already know) that you can't ask her to skip past this stage and assure youth, at 34 or 37, she will know she want kids. That's not possible, as it doesn't allow her to be where she is, right now, and evolve into wherever she will be organically. As such, it seems that a critical ingredient that you both need to be able to relax into the wonders of a long term relationship is not something you can provide the other. For whatever it's worth, when I was your age I met a few wonderful women and had some lovely connections in dating that didn't pan out because they were adamant they wanted children while I was not. I'm very happy that we didn't sidestep that in favor of everything else that was sparkly.
  21. Do you two have a clear, mutually agreed upon definition of what "it" is? Communicating with this man, whom I gather you clearly define as her "ex" while she views differently? Not being immediately forthcoming with any man she has had any type of romantic history with and is still in contact with? No pictures with male coworkers, regardless of history, that could at a glimpse be in any way construed as "couple like"? I ask because the only productive way forward is if this moment can make for greater mutual understanding.
  22. I would really caution against going too far down this road of thinking. After all, zoom out just a few degrees and it’s awfully similar to the way his mom is behaving that has upset you so. The “forsaking” I’m pretty sure isn’t meant to be directed at parents but other romantic prospects, for example. Just because she may be viewing things as a competition doesn’t meant you have to as well. She’s flailing a bit right now, no doubt. But he’s handling it well, which isn’t easy given the tethered dynamic they’ve likely been creating over…well, his whole life. Recalibrating will take a minute. Trust that what you plus him equals will get you there.
  23. Sorry about all this. Answering these questions in short form: No. Yes. Likely. No. In more detail: Ultimately, I think it's very rare for these sorts of connections—forged on vacations, away from reality, and all the more exciting because of that—to evolve into more. Not impossible, no, but one of those things where the odds are against you. Texting, FaceTiming: these things can provide a certain kind of fuel—and often the illusion of beating those odds—but in truth they are not a substitute for the sort of connection that gets forged face to face, which is why these sorts of things tend to end with one or both people fading, as the weight of distance and reality eclipses the brief time shared. Remove your imagination from this for moment—meaning all the sparkly thoughts about where this might go—and what do you have? You have a guy who, after one night and a vacation, became very, very flaky. If you both lived two blocks away from each other, it would the be a momentarily promising dating scenario that didn't pan out. That doesn't mean your connection wasn't "real," but that everywhere you hoped it would go has been revealed, sadly, to be a wish that's not in line with reality. Through actions and through words he has been very clear that he does not have it in him to give you what you want and deserve. Think of that as a fact, rather than a verdict on you, because it's not. In your shoes I would do now for yourself what he cannot, which is tend to your heart. That most likely means putting an end to this thing, as in a very short time it seems to have caused you far more anguish than joy.
  24. So paying you is part of her punishment and atonement? If I have that right, I would steer clear of walking down that path any further. I get how it can provide an immediate salve, but it's not likely to help in terms of finding a more expansive peace, be that with her or recognizing that that's no longer an option for you.
  25. Well, I'm of two minds here. Big picture: I think this is one of those spots where people have many different values and expectations. Some, for instance, do not believe friendship is possible with anyone with whom you've had romantic history. Others, meanwhile, find that to be a pretty narrow view. In ways, it sounds like what's happening right now might be the exposure of a very wide gap between you two in this regard. Out of curiosity: If she had been forthright about this, letting you know they had a thing but are now friends, would you have been open to this friendship? Anyhow, all in all, I think this is more complicated than being "miss-sold" a relationship. Generous view is: they are friends, and just friends, and it's taken (too) long for this to come up because of (a) her own caginess and (b) your own reluctance to ask questions out of fear of coming across a certain way. After all, she hasn't been hiding this guy from you, so in ways I can understand why she doesn't think she's done anything wrong—or at least, as you view it, that she didn't cross the line into infidelity. Of course, I can also understand why you're thrown. It's great that you two have an appointment with a couple's therapist. Best case scenario: a few sessions can allow each of you to air your sides, really listen to each other, and then determine if there's a viable future here. In your gut of guts, are you confident that, when it comes to romantic feeling, you're the only person she has them for, that she's committed to you and you only? Or did some of this get stirred up by the fear that she didn't have both feet on your side of the fence?
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