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charity

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Everything posted by charity

  1. To answer your question, I would be annoyed if an ex I disliked contacted me. There is nothing they could say that would make me smile or reminisce. I would simply feel irritated. I actually have an ex that still insists on contacting me about once a year. Every time he does it I do not respond. I think to myself 'Get a life'. I know it sounds mean but I don't like him and I've made it clear I want no contact. Him going against my wishes is immature and selfish. I suspect you ex feels the same about you.
  2. Very interesting discussion! First of all, I love ENA. I find people's situations and problems fascinating. I have learned so much from being on here and listening to other people's advice. I hope that when I give advice it offers something to somebody. As a rule, I don't offer advice unless I really feel that I can offer something worthwhile. Thus, I stick to what I have experience in and I veer away from problems I can't relate to. I totally get what the OP is talking about though. There are people that answer on almost every single thread regardless of whether of whether they can relate to the thread or not. And you can tell by their response that very little thought has been put into answering the OP. 'Go to therapy' is suggested way to often, as is 'break up'. Those two answers are so useless to the average person online looking for advice. I just wonder why people come on here every day and give a one or two sentence answer that is rude and berating to the OP. I guess they are getting something from this? I have to admit at times I've actually gotten cross at how insensitive people can be to people who are hurting but yeah its the internet and on the plus side it can help one develop a thicker skin. All that being said, there are wonderful people on here that I really respect and admire and I do believe the good ones far outweigh the bad.
  3. If its convenient for you to do it (ie you're literally near the schedule) then do it. If its not then don't. Sometimes its just nice to be nice especially if the person isn't being deliberately annoying, they are just a bit forgetful or disorganized. Sometimes its clear that you are being used. If it is clear to you that the person is using you, you just claim you 'didn't see their message' or 'forgot all about it'.
  4. His fear of dogs ....it's not a huge problem. I probably should have explained it more. It's more a nervousness and wariness that he has. He's handling the puppy's biting way better then I expected. He doesn't shower her with attention so the puppy doesn't really get the chance to hurt him. He finds her cute and seems ..I guess interested and amused by her? My daughter adores her. She wanted a dog since she was 6 and she's now 11 so you can imagine her delight. Hence she gets the brunt of the puppy bites. I've now become a lot more serious about making sure she gives puppy space and isn't lifting her every time she feel like it. As for me, I am figuring out that the pup and I are both learning as we go. I've become very consistent with redirecting her to chew toys when she starts the biting. It doesn't always work but it is working a lot of the time. I realized that she means no harm, its not aggression its just really rough play. And I've learned that being too firm with her makes her worse. And like children, it'll take a while before all the positive reinforcement will kick in. We have her 3 weeks tomorrow and there's definitely been progress and learning for both of us in those three weeks. For the poster who asked was I too sensitive (I can't remember who said it). You were right. I was. I thought she'd take direction immediately. I thought she'd know a firm voice. I knew puppy's bit. I did not know how hard and how much. I had done the research before I got her but living it was different. But she is just a normal puppy albeit a bitey one! So we are keeping her. We love her even though its only been three weeks. And her behaviour this week has shown me that she is capable of learning what she is allowed and not allowed to do. Thanks everyone for you're advice.
  5. It's more than that I think. She is not refusing to be part of their lives. She is not refusing to have them visit her. She is refusing to childmind them which she knows he needs. Her withdrawal of support, as I see it, is a tactic to get him to do what she wants. She knows he needs her and so she is using this power. A non controlling person would still mind her grandkids while being annoyed at son's private choices. Or they might decide not to mind grandkids because they are so uncomfortable with it. However, stipulating that you will mind them if the son changes his private life and you won't mind then if he does...that's control.
  6. Again, yes she has a right to her views, not saying she doesn't. Where we disagree is that I don't think she has a right to literally attempt to ensure he lives by her beliefs. This is what she is attempting to do. They are clearly not his beliefs. And he has more of a right here. Its his kids. His family. She is extended family.
  7. No she wouldn't just 'rather' they don't do sleepovers when the kids are there. 'Rathering' would be just fine. Having a belief system is just fine. She has gone beyond that. She is attempting to ensure that they actually do what SHE wants and believes in regardless of what her own son's belief system is. Attempting to make grown up adults change their life to suit your preferences is not fine.
  8. Stay close to your family. Its clear that's where your heart is. You'll find a way to make it work.
  9. If anyone was attempting to control the decisions I make in my life by withdrawing support I would do all I could do to make do without that support. These are two adults living their adult lives. The mother has been asked to help with childcare. She can say yes or no. But stipulating that she will only give support on condition her adult son changes his private life is very controlling and very arrogant. If he goes along with this he is showing acceptance of her conditions. He is showing that she is the mother and he a child that has to abide by her wishes as if he was a 17 year old living under her roof. She clearly doesn't see him as an equal. I would not have her minding the children. It comes with too high a price - control and meddling. Of course, it's up to your boyfriend to know this and enforce this. But chances are (since she raised him) that he is somewhat afraid of her and still under her thumb.
  10. Okay thanks Rose that's very helpful advice
  11. Well she can 'sit' and give the 'paw. I do obedience training every day. So I think she probably knows what 'no' means. She just doesn't want to do the 'no' if that makes sense. 'I really don't want to bring her back. I'll look into the socialization classes to get some help.
  12. I've raised two children on my own. I can confirm this puppy is wayyyy more work. I was not prepared for this at all.
  13. I do think i might be sensitive actually. Well that's what I'm trying to figure out at least. I believe her growling and biting are part of her play. But when i say ' no' or dont play along due to the bites she becomes more determined and headstrong, chasing us and lunging with mouth open. I'm not scared of her, like i said she's lovely as well and she does control her bites. I'm just worried that she's extra difficult.
  14. I got a puppy for a few reasons. Firstly, because my son would not have accepted an adult dog due to his fear. A puppy has that baby cute factor that I hoped he' take to. Secondly my daughter so badly wanted a puppy. I had said no for years. For myself I was uncomfortable getting an adult dog who may have not been socialized correctly. If whats she's doing is normal puppy things then thats fine because she will outgrow it with consistency and discipline. But is it normal puppy things?
  15. Hi Rose, thank you. Yes I've been giving her lots of chew toys. It works some of the time. I'll try to be even more consistent with that. She hasn't been for walks as shes not had all her vaccinations yet. I hope it'll help when she starts getting more exercise. I do have a garden though so she gets lots of of fresh air. My son is not sick in any way. He was threatened by a dog when he was 4 and he became fearful of dogs. I thought intoducing a small puppy to the house would show him how great and loving dogs could be. I guess my question here is....is this (biting, growling, aggression when corrected) normal puppy behaviour?
  16. So, myself and my two kids got a puppy. My son, 13 is afraid of dogs and i thought bringing a small puppy into the house could help that. We had been thinking about it for ages, I did my research and thought we were ready. We were so excited! Well well well...... So I chose a cocker spaniel puppy . I bought her from a very nice and responsible breeder at 9 weeks. I met her parents and older siblings. All seemed like great dogs. She's now 11 weeks. I choose a puppy who was a 'middle of the road puppy'. In the litter of 8 pups she was not the shy quiet one but neither was she the hyper dominant one. She seemed playful yet calm, quiet but affectionate. The first few days everything was great. She was finding her feet, she was affectionate, happy and calm. Two weeks later...she's a terror! I dont mind the mess, I dont mind the training, I don't mind the whining or yelping. But the big problem is that she bites...a lot. As she"s gotten more confident I'm realizing she is very headstrong. I give her chew toys but she still bites me. If we yelp (common internet advice) she ignores and keeps biting. If we walk away she runs and lunges after us. If I am very strong and dominant with her ( common advice also) she seems to become even more aggressive. If i put her to another room she scratches and whines very loudly. While being affectionate with me she will bare her teeth and go for my face. Now she has a lovely side too. She is affectionate and intelligent. She sleeps a fair bit and is not a hyper puppy. Neither has she drawn blood so yes she is mostly controlling her bite force. However, the bites do hurt and she looks quite fieresome when she open her mouth. My daughter gets scared of her though she loves her. I'm not scared of her but i do am actually struggling with her. I can safely say she is more difficult then either of my kids ever were. The sad thing is that the more she behaves badly the more I start to dislike her. Im worried I've chosen a headstrong dominant dog that will be hard to handle when older. I'm worried my sons fear of dog's will be worsened. I'm ashamed to say I'm considering returning her to the breeder. Okay, advice is welcomed, particulary if anyone has had a puppy who bites a lot!
  17. Couldn't agree more. It'll be the most powerful thing you've ever done.
  18. OP this is a horrible situation and I really do feel your concern. I agree with everyone else that what he said is so wrong and so worrying. I also understand your predicament. You have a family with him, you love him and overall it seems you are happy in this relationship. Perhaps you could expand on what you described as his bullying behaviour? There is a tone in your post of...I don't know, walking on eggshells? Do you possibly have a fear of him that exists before this threat was made? The most worrying thing for me her is that if you are concerned enough to leave, then the situation that he has threatened is more likely to come about. You leave, you file for child support and then ..... But if you stay, you will have this gnawing on you forever. He can't unsay those words. He made a threat. At first, yes I may have taken it as a joke (if it was said as one). But you asked for clarification and he couldn't have been more clear. That's scary. I don't know what to tell you. Besides be careful.
  19. OP definitely did wrong, no one can dispute that. But many people who have children do wrong in their lives at one point or another and go on to be good enough parents.
  20. It's just life isn't it? Through the years she enjoyed having him in her life, as did you. Now things are different. You can't protect her from her own feelings of sadness. All you can do is help her through it. I think her knowing that you feel sad too and that you are sorry this has happened will help her in its own way. We don't have control of everything and you don't know exactly how it will be in future. It's okay to admit that to her. I think you're doing really well and she will be fine in time. Sorry for your pain.
  21. The OP has her mom living with her and is very close to her. I don't think she would need to feel any regret or remorse simply because she chooses and WANTS to have a separate social life. There is nothing unusual or odd about that at all. It's perfectly normal to not want your mother at every social event where you want to make new friends. OP it seems you have a lovely relationship with your mum and already go above and beyond. Do you think she'll understand if you gently explain to her that you want to go to this event by yourself so that you can make friends and have your own thing going on? I would be totally fine with my kids saying that to me.
  22. I think I would call this abusive yes. She has slapped you, called you names and monitors and controls you. I think it will get worse if you stay and will turn into a very nasty situation. At the very least, the 'lack of basic decency and respect' that you mention, should be enough for you to realize this relationship is absolutely toxic and not loving in any way. The way you behaved at the beginning of the relationship didn't cause this. This is who she is. However like J.man said, like attracts like. I think its time for you to dig deep about your self worth, maturity and your own history of relationships. To do that you'll have to step well away from this one.
  23. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can absolutely relate to your feelings as I've been going through something similar. Everyone will have differing opinions on what you should do. Here are my thoughts: First of all you are not overweight. You know this. So you don't actually need to lose any weight. Right now you are in a cycle of binging - fasting - dieting. You begin by dieting (1200 calories is dieting), then you binge because you feel so hungry and deprived, then you fast to make up for the binge. So ....stop dieting. This means stop restricting yourself to 1200 calories as if that is the holy grail. Give yourself permission to eat more because more is what your body needs. The unhealthy cycle you are in can be stopped if you simply give your body what it wants and needs ie nutritious food balanced with a bit of fun food. I'm not sure what your calorie needs are but at your height you can likely eat 1700-1900 calories and maintain your weight. This 1900 calories will allow you to eat some snacks and junk food especially if the rest of your meals are healthy and wholesome. This may help you to feel more full while being less guilty and more in control. Of course there will be days where you go over this calories. In that case, don't fast. Just get back on track the next day. Secondly, the next problem you have is you hate your body. To help this I suggest you start running. Try couch to 5k. Its 30 mins three times a week. Yes it will help your fitness, no it probably won't really do anything for weight loss BUT here's what it will do - it will help you feel better mentally and physically. It will make you like and respect your body more. It will also release happy hormones and we all need that in our lives. Trust me, it works. Thirdly, educate yourself on what normal everyday women's bodies look like. We are ambushed with daily images from the media that have an impact on what we feel we should look like. There's a website that shows what your weight/height looks like -mybodygallary.com. I've often looked at it because it shows all different weights and its interesting to see the normal skin, lumps, bumps, different shapes etc. I really think we women need to actively and intentionally learn to love and accept our bodies without comparing them to celebrities and models. Best of luck to you. I know its hard. But you have reached out for help here so you know you have an issue that needs help. That's the first step.
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