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bluecastle last won the day on January 13

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  1. Agree with all of the above. Whatever is motivating him, is it really something you want to work though, continue to invite into your life? Any way you cut it he has shown you that he has (a) an irrepressible desire for some kind of romantic/hot sauce connection outside of the relationship and (b) a complete inability to respect the hurt this causes you. This is just me, but I think of booze as a kind of truth serum. Someone who gets angry when drunk? That is someone who is carrying around a lot of anger, always. Someone who goes onto Bumble/Tinder when drunk? That is someone who i
  2. I'd say the answer to this is: yes. Just my observation in life, but it seems that love is out there for just about everyone: lost, found, rediscovered, and so on, in just about every shape one can imagine. Have you given some thought to what kind of man you see yourself with? Is he your age, older? A parent? Someone interested in playing some kind of parental role? Someone who wants kids of his own, as in: Do you want more children? Not saying answering all those questions is the key, but it helps fine tune the radar. For whatever it's worth, or to be transparent about my own bias
  3. I'm thinking about this along similar lines. It's understandable to be unnerved by this, as most people would be in your shoes, and since social media is more or less invented to manipulate feelings and exacerbate insecurity. How you feel right now, along with his impulse to look at those stories, has put a lot of Teslas in a lot of driveways in Silicon Valley. At the same time, you two have a unique foundation, in that you were friends for a decade before transitioning into romance. That's so great, in so many ways. But it can also mean that certain habits from your friendship may
  4. What if you try to redefine "normal"? I'm asking this in relation to your response to both my post, and DancingFool's. Because this is something you can actually control, which is your own perspective. Yoga stuff, Buddhism stuff. Life is suffering, and yet look at Buddha: he is fat and happy, grinning. Why? Control of perspective, rather than canine prescriptions. Takes some work, but is worthwhile. Related: there is one person—the most important person—who can always acknowledge and justify your feelings. That person is you. See them, name them, thank them, even the ickiest, espe
  5. Happy to help. The struggle to see the bigger picture is, I think, the human condition? Plus we internet straw people get only a small slice here on a forum, so sometimes it's easier to find potential connective tissue. It is totally understandable to be hurt when a partner is dishonest, even if the lie is "white," since we all have pasts and past pain that gets stirred up when the ground shakes, as it does with any lie. But let in a few more deep breaths, and it seems this can be a bit of a watershed moment. Whatever he was telling you, or trying to tell you, is something he clearl
  6. First things first: positive vibes are now being transmitted, from this west coaster to your spot in the midwest. Now, into the depths. Here are two things from your post that strike me, if you'll bear with me, as very positive and potentially—for you, for your husband, for you two—transformative. First this: Then this: Zoom out a few notches and it seems you are both feeling some shade of the same thing: overwhelmed, disappointed, lost, scared. These feelings make you both human, not monsters or failures, and so I wonder: Can you two find a way through all this by
  7. Why not play on your terms? In other words, why not be civil and cordial as you reinstate professional boundaries? How he behaves is on him, not you, and judging from the big picture? He doesn't really have it him to live his life above board. Doesn't mean you should dip below the waterline.
  8. Does she want this? Has she come to you and said she'd like to move past this, restore harmony? Has she offered any solutions or expressed any specific needs in connection to getting there? I ask all that because, going from what you've written, it sounds like she is opting to deepen and expand the rut rather than look for ways out of it. That's her choice, and not something you can "fight" extra hard to change. Relationships only really work when two people are aiming at roughly the same target, you know? In your shoes right now? I'd make it clear to her, as I think you already ha
  9. Sorry about this. I'd say the thing to focus on right now is that you are no longer with someone whose issues extend far, far beyond and inability to be gracious and mature over text. He sounds like he was pretty lousy partner so to expect him to be less-than-lousy during a breakup—well, no. He's being who he has always been: a man too consumed with himself to treat others with respect. Perhaps if you think about it in those terms this moment won't be so "mind-blowing," and you can exhale into a life without him where you can heal and move forward.
  10. Sorry about this. Just to clarify, are you saying that, with his ex, he also made an album of parking lot tickets or just that they made some sort of album together?
  11. Nice to hear from you, Ian, to hear you in such good, buoyant spirits!
  12. So sorry about this. What's most important here, I think, is that you and your partner are able to discuss this and that you feel (unless I have this wrong?) that he has your back, is focused on your happiness, and your happiness together, far more than he is appeasing his parents. Are you confident that he has good boundaries with his parents? As for how to behave? Just be you, and be civil. It doesn't sound like you'll be seeing them very often, so in the scheme of things what's this amount to? A handful of less-than-comfortable hours every year or so? Not ideal, no, but doa
  13. Agree with this, given what you've added. I understand this new information/request is what's on your mind right now, but try to zoom out a little bit further and I think you'll see that this relationship has been causing you more strife than anything else for a good long time.
  14. Sorry about all this. What he’s told you, and what he’s asked, is a lot to process and would throw anyone. Just saying that to encourage you to take all the time you need right now to process, rather than feeling like you need to give him an answer right away. I find his explanation as to why he wants to do this a bit questionable, I have to say. Sounds a bit like he is using this past trauma to avoid directly exploring or owning something about his sexuality—a curiosity about men. In your 12 years together have you had any thoughts that this might be something he’s interested in?
  15. What issue, exactly, are you referring to here? I ask because, just going from your post, there seem to be a whole lot here. Let’s say he quit smoking tomorrow. Do you believe that would suddenly lead to you guys being physically intimate again? Would it make you totally cool with his lukewarm nature when it comes to affection, romance? Would you want to marry him and have babies? It’s very rare that we spend our lives with the person we fall for when we’re a sneeze out of adolescence. Reason? We evolve pretty quickly in our twenties, shedding husks, and while that never stops it do
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