littlefeet

I have had a lot of positive life-changing moments, most recently ditching my career that paid lots to study toward one that never will but makes me happy!

hi cheesehead; I just tried to pm you but am not sure it worked. Basically, I have been experiencing something similar since I was about your age. If you want to pm me sometime to talk about it, feel free. Out of curiosity, do you keep a dream journal?--if not, try it! Is anything markedly different about your life now than before or usually? take care

hi confusedbloke, i agree with what you said, trust me, this can be true for guys too, and it doesn't even apply only to sex/attraction. one or two bumps down the road and somehow it's just not easy enough for them. it's really too bad that our society emphasizes sexuality, dating, meeting "someone new" over working at keeping what you've got. i like modern life as much as anybody, but the fact is, when something breaks these days, people are encouraged to replace it with something newer and better, rather than fixing it. maybe your ex (and mine, and a lot of others, I imagine!) will someday find that they're no longer young, beautiful, or clever enough to keep playing the game. i hope that by then i'm happily settled with someone who stopped playing a while ago.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." "If you love a flower that lives on a star, it is sweet to look at the sky at night. All the stars are a-bloom with flowers." --Antoine De Saint-Exupery (The Little Prince) "Don't drag me down Just because you're down And just cause you're blue Don't make me too And though you've found You need more than me Don't talk to me About being free That's freedom without love And magic without love" --Better Things / Massive Attack "I've leaned on me for years Now you can lean on me And that's more than love, that's the way it should be Now I can't change the way you feel But I can put my arms around you" --Protection / Massive Attack

nicely said; all stereotypes out the window of course, but I agree with that last thread by stefi & tom lf

my "2p" for you-- it's natural to be angry, but it's also wasting more of your energy on this guy, who it seems has wasted enough of your time already. forgiveness allows you to let go, like the morrigan said; it's not about gratifying the guy or being his doormat. it's also a process; it doesn't mean you've forgotten, or that you wish to be friends--forgiveness only means that you're working at not carrying a grudge that makes you a smaller person and brings you down. the new guy probably isn't blind to what you've been going through, so just be sure the two of you communicate. it is hard, from the "new guy/woman" side of things to think your ex still occupies your thoughts, and it possibly is worse considering the terms you and "ex" seem to have parted on. i don't know how your are in relationships, but i tend to be quite devoted and very faithful, as was the case with my last guy (nearly 5 years) and also find it very hard to let go, even though i can honestly say i should (for some similar reasons to yours) not think twice more about him. at the same time, i have lots of positive aspects to my life right now and am very grateful for them. i hope the same is true for you. pm me if you want to talk, and take good care of yourself. lf

Hi Lozza, based on your reply (above), I'd say maybe you shouldn't see your ex just yet. It sounds like, otherwise, your life is going really well. If you feel worried about your failure to respond to his message before, why not just email him saying, "I didn't mean to be rude, but for a while I was too upset about what happened between us / too angry with you (insert whatever you were feeling) to reply to your message. I'm doing really well now and hope your life is working out as well as you hoped (or some other nice, pleasant, yet somewhat "distant" thing to say). I just wanted to let you know I've forgiven you for hurting me" (or however you want to put it). Maybe you'll be able to have a meeting or even a friendship with the ex in your future, but I hope you don't feel that's the only way to clear the air. If it helps, I'm in the same boat as you are. (the ex is even English). I will be living in the UK this summer so didn't want any real/imagined hostility to precede me! Take care, lf

hi worrier, don't worry--guber88 is right--really it all depends on what your mum's doctor was thinking, unless you were circumcised for religious reasons. I'm not sure if this will help, but my last boyfriend was English and, unless he was circumcised in his 20s (ouch!!), there are circumcised English guys too. (His family is not at all religious, so it had nothing to do with that.) From the female perspective, it doesn't matter one way or the other. If things are happening for the right reasons, your girlfriend will not care that much about the details of your penis. Circumcision is a trend that has a lot to do with when you were born, as well as in what country. Some people argue that it's unnecessary surgery and others that cleanliness is easier. Hope this helps!

something funny, For me, I guess it's been something I don't do if I'm with a guy, but ironically, it's usually how I meet the guy in the first place. Some women prefer not to start off as friends, but I like it because you definitely get to know the guy very well (and he, you) in a relaxed way--no pressure, no dating or relationship worries--for me it's been this amazing way to see nature take its course. If the chemistry is there, and the potential for something more, and the timing okay--well, presto. You've climbed/jumped/thrown out the ladders. The opposite is true, though, if I have a boyfriend. Then, I usually keep friendships and relationships very separate--because I'm happy with the person I'm with. I'm not one to believe there is "one" person for anybody, so it's not to say that if things with the boyfriend went awry, none of my guy mates would have a chance--I'm just very monogamous

hey doc, My questions are similar to sugarplum's, but you do seem to have thought your feelings through and to know what you want, and what will make you happy. If you really love your ex the way you say you do, I think it's a good idea to talk to her about things. She may not be able to take you back, or at least not right away, but I think the issue here is being true to your feelings and facing what they are, whether or not they work in your favour. Thinking back on similar situations I've been in, honest communication clears the air, even if it doesn't do it in the way you'd prefer. Additionally, you probably should end it with your new girlfriend--the feelings you're having for the ex aren't exactly fair to her. While they don't mean you wouldn't ever be able to care in the right ways for your new girlfriend, you don't now. . . . Of course you'll hurt her, but it will be an honest hurt, and something that is fairer to her in the long run.

oops, sorry. . . i mean romee haven't had enough caffeine yet!

sphinx, it really depends on the girl; personally i could enjoy any of what you mentioned, but it really depends on the situation and mood--or even how someone feels physically--communicating with your partner is really important!

glad I said something helpful. pm anytime & congrats on the cd! excellent work. . .

hey Madison, So, you have that persistent "not quite right" feeling. . . . If I were in your shoes, it would mean I should pay attention. For me, that would mean pulling back from the situation for a week or two and just observing my guy's actions--no need to change anything about your behaviour or how you feel, but just push the rose-coloured glasses up a bit and see how things look. Does he still love you if you don't have time to talk every night? What about if you wanted him to move to your city? Does he know about and accept what you consider your flaws? Maybe, like many people, you're not used to so many things going well in your relationship, and it seems they can't last? Could this also be a source of discomfort?

happens to the best of us. . . but remember to look after yourself and do what you need to to be happy, for now.

Hey there, If you had a tapeworm, I suspect you would be eating but losing a lot of weight, inexplicably. You might also have some vitamin deficiencies. That said, are you stressed out about anything lately? If you are the kind of person who holds in a lot of emotion (or even sometimes if you let it show), and you've been worried or upset, appetite can be the first thing to go. . . and tummy discomfort is sort of a similar tendency. Speaking from experience here. So. . . if you think you are worried/stressed, maybe you should try a combination of getting regular exercise and calming yourself at some point during every day--lie down, tense all the muscles in your body, and then relax. Practise deep breathing. Sit quietly and find a point on the opposite wall, and fix your concentration on it--whatever works. If you're really worried about your health, go to the doctor. You're not hurting anyone by doing so. If you can't afford it, find a free clinic. Hope this helps.

Have you tried talking to a counselor about it? If your unfounded jealousy really is the only thing wrong in the relationship, anf you feel unable to consider other ways of dealing with the situation, maybe professional help can give you some specific ways of adjusting your reactions and perspective. That said, I am a fairly open-minded woman, but I do expect a lot of my partner's sex life to be in the relationship. . . and hope that less of it will be from fantasy sources. Are your jealous reactions and/or worries about your body, etc., affecting your sex life? Maybe he is also "overreacting". Even if you aren't too turned on by the idea, you might ask him to go along to the strip club. . . or to watch porn with you. . . maybe you get my drift here. Participate in that part of his life, see that it's nothing special, and give him some of the real thing . Someone has to turn this cycle of getting jealous/taking offense/acting out around, if possible--so go for it. You won't even believe yourself if you tell him his actions haven't bothered you, because they have. Looking at this in a different way might help both of you to remember that communicating and loving each other is the real issue, rather than your jealousy and his frustration.

If you feel comfortable with what you're saying now, and if she is. . . don't worry about it. I disagree with "ditto", if you would be using it to avoid having to say something more specific. The way you are now seems just fine!

hey Wallbanger You just said it. . . I agree it may have everything to do with the sort of people who don't talk about their problems when the problems are small, who act as though things are fine when they are not, and then suddenly, one can only imagine that they feel "you" haven't been understanding them. . . and they move on, only to do the same thing once again. You seem to be a very tolerant person and have handled what must be immense frustration very well. You've been decent to your ex, and that's really all one can expect, under the circumstances. Now you should look after yourself. Keep in mind that the people who really love you are the ones who show they do, not necessarily the ones who say it. chin up. . . .

hey jerome2, I don't have a lot of advice to give about your relationships, but one thing seems to stand out overall--you say: "I know these things take time to really heal, but I feel that the only way would be to fall in love again. . . ." I'm not meaning to tell you what to do, but my inclination is . . . love yourself for a while. Even though you were ready to split up with your long term girlfriend, things like that still affect your emotions. At the time, you had met someone new. . . and things didn't work out for long with her, or with the next woman. Now I wonder if you aren't finally feeling all of the original responses to loss--3x over! My guy and I recently split up, and if I had had that happen twice more, well. . . I'd feel as you describe. It seems to me maybe you never took the time you needed to heal yourself. Maybe it would be a good idea to forget about "falling in love" for a while--even put dating aside. What is one of your as-yet-unrealised goals for yourself and your life? If you've been wanting to achieve something professionally, or in a sport, or if you've wanted to take some courses--now is the time to do that. It's a bit like meditation-- give your mind and your body things to concentrate on. When you get lonely, go out with your male or female friends--the more the merrier. If there is one person you can talk to when things get really low, that will help too--but I reckon you'll be surprised how much better you feel in a month or two. pm me if you need to talk & hang in there!

Hi, Pchellak and Ash are right; if you choose to come to the U.S., unless your degree is in a very sought after field, your best bet will be the fiance visa. Canada, on the other hand, at least puts you on the same continent as your girlfriend, but is legally much easier to arrange. I don't know your ages, readiness for marriage, or fields of study, so I feel pretty unqualified to say much more regarding the relationship. If you are in your early twenties and feel unready for marriage, maybe you should consider taking a job with an internationally based company. Depending on your profession, an employer might consider starting you out in a training job in England, with the agreement that you might transfer in a year or so. Ash, however, made some very wise comments regarding earning potential. I am in a similar long distance situation with my English boyfriend and lived with him in England before coming back to the U.S. to go to grad school. The reason I came back, at first, was entirely financial; he lost his job and I couldn't support us both on my salary while he looked for another. It is very true that the U.S. economy is not doing so well right now. Last I heard, England's economy wasn't so hot either. The same recently booming industries are now in the "bust" stage in both countries. Unfortunately, the cost of living is considerably higher in the UK than in the States. This applies to almost everything but is especially true of housing and automobile costs. I will never forget, either, the expense of grocery shopping. . . . Incidentally, you didn't mention this, but unless she has a prearranged job or second citizenship (which I'm lucky enough to have), she'll have a hard time moving to England, too. Don't get me wrong; I remember England as a fantastic place to live and will move back if my guy can't find a job here. I care more about the two of us than my "earning potential". I'm looking for summer work this very evening. . . but I can tell you right now that I won't be getting paid what I do here as a summer intern--if anything at all. PM me if it will help you to talk things over with someone. I know this situation must be frustrating for you based on current personal experience--and how slowly the time seems to go!

pinkmonkey, First of all, if you decide you are Bi, and this is who you are, it's not a huge problem--it's who you are. It might be hard. There will be people who won't understand. Your friends and family might have a hard time adjusting to this new info. about you at first. If you decide you really are bi, I hope you will check into gay/lesbian/bi organisations and support groups that will help you handle any difficulties that come up. It is important, though, to worry less about reactions "if" and more about deciding how you feel, for yourself. You are showing some discomfort with the idea of homosexual attraction anyway, by comments like "eeeeeeeeeeeew!". You're going to have to be more comfortable with yourself to be happy, if you are bisexual. Looking at women doesn't make you bisexual on its own. I'm guessing you might have other feelings of attraction than just physical admiration. For example, I most enjoy painting naked women. I find women beautiful. Nonetheless, I do not have the desire to have a relationship, passionate or otherwise, with a woman. You might want to remember that some women and men go through what a lesbian friend of mine calls "tourism" phase. It's a time, usually during highschool or college, when hormones are going crazy anyway--and you're wondering about your sexuality. Some experimentation can be normal, and this depends on the person. (I do suggest, if you decide that's what you want, or if you decide you're bisexual, you should be honest with your guy--and if you feel you can, with your parents). Before you tell your boyfriend, or your parents, or anyone that you "are bisexual", and before you act on those feelings, maybe you could attend a meeting of a bisexual (or combined lesbian/gay/bisexual group). If you can talk to anyone frankly about your feelings and curiosity, I'll bet you'll find someone there. Find a way to do this on your own, if you can--I'm not sure if you're old enough to drive on your own, but otherwise, is there one friend--or parent--with whom you could discuss this, making your uncertainties and need to find out clear? Don't worry too much, but do satisfy your curiosity, and act on what you find out.

Since you mention it. . . yeah--but it's only happened that way once or twice. The orgasm is a normal one--but it's hard to describe, as it affected my whole body more than usual. It's definitely not, in my experience, a breast-only experience. why do you ask?

hi penfold, This is a longer response, but I am wondering about some contradictions in what you've said. You already know you need to make up your mind. If your decision is that this woman is not the one for you, prolonging the relationship so you can have fun and enjoy her being "adorable" is selfish, at best. She's made clear that she's not looking at this relationship as "just for fun". Now, a question. . . not for you to tell me, but to sort out for yourself: what, specifically, makes you feel she's "not the one for you"? You almost broke up with her--was it fear that made you do that? Relationships often can seem more important from the woman's side, but if you wanted, you could have found another relationship in Cambridge. You didn't have to take turns travelling to visit each other. If it is only because she's "adorable", I mean no offense, but you might want to consider common interests a bit more in future. I do agree with the others that you should make up your mind, but sometimes women--and men--get too caught up in Mr./Ms wonderful. That lasts longer for some than for others. Maybe expressing your need to introduce her to your friends and hang out with them more would help you--or other guidelines, for now and for the future. I have some doubts, though, as you now live 2 hours away (which is not long distance in some places, but in England, with petrol costs, it's an expense)--and that distance should give you some freedom. Do you feel "obligated" to see her every weekend? Maybe you don't have to do that, or you can spend some time of your weekends with her catching up with your other friends from your former job? I don't blame you for being a bit scared about moving in. One year can be enough time--or not at all enough, depending on the individual. She has never lived outside her parents' house. . . a common "break" to make before having a living together/married relationship. Michael2 is right. There are two in this relationship. You talk about her, but your attitude seems more about you. If you are sure you don't and won't love her in a more lasting way, move on. If you are not sure, talk with her about how you feel. Be frank. Tell her exactly what is on your mind: you care for her and have fun with her, but you are not ready for "living together" because to you, that commitment is very serious, and you would want to be more sure of a lasting relationship first. You care for her, but you want her to know you're not ready to decide on more than that. Then SHE will be able to make her decisions, too, as she sees fit. Sure, you might lose this girl. . . but you'll do that anyway, and if you keep wavering one way and the other without telling her your doubts, it won't be pretty. This way, at least you are being fair, honest, and upfront. good luck.

hi bobzdar, I empathize with your situation. At the moment, employment also is keeping my bf and me apart; he is in England and I am in the US. Unfortunately, I am in a specialized 3 year grad program (that I've been working toward for 7 years!) and cannot transfer mid-stream--and my reason for starting it this year had to do with moving along with my life, since my bf could not find a permanent job in either my country or his and was unwilling to commit further (we would have to be engaged for him to have a visa) so he could do other work here. We also have kept things pretty well together until now, but stress is really taking its toll, as is the fact that I am generally the one who gets more excited about traveling and moving; he would rather stay in a secure place--but now I am the one who must stay put. Of course, he's a "guy's guy" and doesn't want to become engaged without a steady job. So, a chicken-or-egg-or-splitup decision needs to be made pretty soon. Anyway, this is 'sposed to be about your questions! I agree with cherrylicious. If your girlfriend really could have found a job near you, and you really couldn't find a job near where she lives, the answer, if you both really want the relationship, is quite easy and clear. Time off maybe isn't the issue, but I think you should consider her influences--and what seems to be a rather selfish attitude. Don't rush to give up your job, especially if she knew you had planned to visit, bought your ticket, and now won't see you when you arrive. Manipulation really is unbecoming and, while she probably also is confused, 2 months is not long to be apart and to be having such issues. My bf and I have been working at this for nearly 2 years and have been "together" on several continents for nearly 5. It's not for everybody. . . but it is possible not to freak out after 2 months. I don't want to be too opinionated, but hope the new perspective helps.