littlefeet

hey there, you all have done the right thing by encouraging your friend to dress in styles that flatter the body she has. You sound really supportive, and that's the most important thing you can be for her. I don't know how old she is, but no lie--I also am very small (well, petite all around, and still can even wear many of my clothes from age 14/15--but not tops She may not develop a lot, but many women do find their breasts grow later on. For me, it was around age 19/20. Part of developing as a woman can involve a bit of weight gain--because we have areas of body fat that guys don't normally have. Most women see this happening just after they start having regular periods, so for many it's age 15-17. Your hips, butt, breasts, and legs fill out a bit, but it's not necessary to concentrate on "gaining weight" unless you have a metabolic or eating disorder--and in those cases, it would be important to talk to a doctor first. Well, this is probably nothing you all haven't heard in health class It's more important to keep active and eat healthfully, and to know that every body has its pros and cons. That doesn't mean it feels great to see everyone else developing while you're not, but I agree with Beec--she can stuff a bra, which basically is what many of the popular bra styles accomplish now anyway! Incidentally, I have a friend who is my height (about 5ft) and has large breasts. She's otherwise very slim, but her breasts on such a petite body can make her look heavy--so she has to be careful of clothing too. They also cause back pain. Nobody's perfect. As for fashion tips, I try to wear clothing that flatters my small frame and have found that vintage and 1920s (flapper-inspired styles) work really well. Wearing "bigger" tops, or ones with some puckering or styling in the chest area helps--then she can emphasize the rest of her slim frame with less bulky clothes.

good for you, 55-- I remember reading your last post, and it seems you've made some positive changes that are helping you move on from the relationship in a healthy way. Judging by your post, you've already answered your own question. Just look at the majority of what you said--most of it was about how you're working at moving on with your life, and doing well! You didn't say you felt you should give him another chance--you asked us--only you seem to know what is best for you already, so trust yourself, and keep on being true to yourself. If that means NOT seeing him when he comes into town next, but waiting until you feel ready to, then wait. There isn't only one option for your "significant other"; you've learned a lot, and these experiences will help inform your choices when you feel ready for dating again. Splitting up after a short time can leave one full of doubts, but after so long, it can be hard to look at the situation objectively (I'm a big fan of "pro & con" lists, if I'm unable to make a choice one way or the other--the writing doesn't lie, truly. If you're having real trouble with the idea of giving it another try, I'll suggest writing all your thinking and feeling down, sleeping on it, and reading later ).

not sure if that last post was a question, and not to get off topic, but is it really in the words, or is it in the actions, or both? the way some people say it, good morning = i love you. . . and so does sleep tight. . . and d'ya need another cuppa. . . . anyway. Just a thought from a (relative) sr. citizen

hey, the sweetest thing my current bf ever said was not at all smooth. . . or eloquent. . . or even very romantic. but i could see what it was he was trying to show me. he stared into my eyes (good start and said, "your eyes. . . um. . . your eyes are. . . um. . . your eyes are big and . . . um. . . er. . blue." you get the idea, it's not what you say, but how real it is.

Hey Spartacus2004, Since I don't know how long she's been seeing the bf or how seriously, I can't say too much; you'll know best. Just be careful--for yourself and for her. Sometimes when a bf situation (or gf) is looking bad, your male / female friends stand out because they are dear, thoughtful, funny, generous--what your bf/gf at the moment, is not being or appearing to be. Of course she may also really be interested! You're the only one who can decide. She's probably noticing all the great things that maybe she noticed less while in bliss with the bf--and well--sometimes love is REALLY blind Still, look on the bright side--either way, you probably seem like a prince amid frogs to her right now. Great job!

I agree with SmintyMinty. Too many people say I love you, to too many people, when it isn't really more than "I have a big crush on you". Love lasts because real love is also real friendship. What happens when you get old & grey. . . and one of you is in a nursing home. . . and you definitely aren't dancing cheek-to-cheek anymore? I might have a passionate relationship with someone who said he loved me--and love him back--but I'll only spend my life with the guy who also is my best friend. Three months is, I guess, long enough for some--but I'm a person who finds the words easy to say--and it's still not long enough for me. For me, three months isn't even long enough to have had an argument! This sort of thing is different for everyone, but I think onix88 deserves lots of credit for thinking before speaking--and for saying something he really feels. He's also shared a great communication strategy with those of us who aren't ready for the three little words.

Hi BuffaloSoldier, I've had the same worries as you have in the past, and occasionally I still do--but for now, I've made the decision to keep going with my boyfriend--and tried checking out my own perspective a little. It's true that your guy might really be taking you for granted, or he might not be as interested as you are; lots of things may be true. Still, before you ditch him, just consider-- A lot of guys--and women--attach "life or death" importance to the words "I love you". That doesn't mean they don't love you--but I know in my boyfriend's case, he may never say those exact words regularly--because he's scared if we wind up not getting married, he won't take them back. I know. It makes very little sense to us. Obviously, since I was having similar insecurities to yours, I had to do some thinking about whether I could deal with his hangups--the way he has dealt with mine (we all have them)--and whether his reserved nature might really mean he didn't care enough. This is possible, but you have to keep in mind that you two could just be very different in your means of expression. I had stopped sending the cards, etc. too--thinking I was overwhelming my guy. . . and putting him off. . . but I later found out he was thinking I'd maybe started getting into someone else! Far from true! It seems simple to us to think "If I send him a card, he will see that's what I want"--but, at least for my guy, he's completely himself. It's not natural for him to do that stuff--so I took a second look, before throwing in the towel. To my surprise, I discovered tons of things I hadn't noticed that HE does for me--and I don't really do so much for him. So I made a list. Did it matter more to me that my boyfriend said "I love you", or that he's trying his hardest to find a job in my country, more than 3k miles away, because I have to live here for now? Did the specific words "I love you" matter more than that last visit, when he had my bath waiting every night, and all the cooking done, and shopping, etc., that I didn't have time to do? Did they matter more than his habit of reading stories out loud before bed? Did they matter more than the fact that, despite his lack of words, I've been told he never so much as looks at another woman . . . by his friends and family. Lol, he can be really awkward with words. During our last visit, he managed to say something like "I see everybody settling down (all our mates), and well, if I don't stay with you, I have to find somebody else"!! Now that can sound really bad. . . which he realised. . . and he was so embarrassed and shy about it that I saw, for some people, the words really don't come easily. Finally he just said he didn't know what to say, gave me the biggest hug ever . . . and started making improvements to my computer. Well, you get the idea. It may be more of a two way street than you think. You'll have to decide what's best for you, but if you are going to tell him you love him, try to be calm and say it simply. I don't know about other guys, but when I get emotional, he tends to worry, not get romantic. Be ready for him to say "wow, that's heavy" or "I'm not ready to say that" --or to bashfully brush you off. No, maybe he shouldn't do. In an ideal world, people would be mature, responsive, ready for everything--when you are. They would say the words you want to hear, in your way. But for whatever reason (and there may be some you don't know about), some people take love really slowly, and it doesn't mean they don't, or wont', feel it. But if he won't or doesn't say the words yet, that doesn't necessarily mean he feels nothing special for you. In fact, he might be treating you extra-carefully because you ARE so special to him, and maybe things haven't worked out so well for him in the past. Well, I'll just shut up now but good luck BuffaloSoldier. Just remember that no guy is responsible for your happiness--that is your gift to yourself. I've got a lot of personal experience dealing with this kind of guy (lol, nearly 5 years' worth), so if you want to sound off or talk, I think you can pm me (rather new to the site so let me know if you have trouble).

Hey Beco, Everybody has given you some really good advice, but just remember to do what's right for you. Sometimes the idea of getting back together with someone you loved and may still really love seems so tempting, you'd be willing to do anything--and some things that maybe you shouldn't. I noticed that you said: If you do that, you aren't being a better person, you're acting. I'm not sure what "kind of person" you were before, but chances are, you were just like everybody else--with some great aspects and some not so great . If you know you have really grown in some way, or if you made specific mistakes during your relationship that you're aware of and have changed, well, that's great! I'm sure the "improved you" will make a good impression. If, though, you're thinking of temporarily trying to be someone who isn't the real you, I would hold off--and hold out for a woman who suits your real personality better. Acting a part might get uncomfortable after a while (besides being deceptive to you and the s.o.).

Call me boring, but I really like that nice "nothing" smell of soap. . . or really minimally applied cologne. People have their own "smell", and that's the one I like best when I'm close with someone. If you do like cologne and want to wear it, that's great too. The brand doesn't matter so much as how it's put on, so pick what you like! (If you're stuck, Cool Water is nice. . . or Polo. . . something classic.) Just be sure to keep in mind how annoying it can be when you smell a heavily perfumed person coming before you see them. . . or if their perfume/cologne lingers on your clothes, when you've barely shaken hands.

hey magicbeans, Since the hypothetical guy has been my friend and is not "pushing" the idea of a relationship, I would: 1. not screen his calls, but answer them like any other calls 2. return his calls either right away (if I only just missed it) or as soon as I could get to it (but then that's something I do with all my friends; you never know whether something important has happened) 3. 1 & 2 would be the same whether I had special interest in the guy or not. In fact, if I was very very interested, I might find myself taking more time to return the calls. . . not to play games, but out of being a little shy, or maybe even hesitant that I might spoil the existing friendship by being too obviously interested. (that's usually not true of a real friendship, though) If the guy has been insistent and/or coming on really strongly, I might lose interest whether or not I was originally interested. That's just my personality; I prefer the "take it easy" approach to relationships. So, if that sort of guy called, I might just wait to return his call and have a frank, face-to-face talk about things instead. Hope this helps.

Hi Nelson, Sorry this is going to be a long post--but your story was pretty involved! Wow, it sounds as though you've started off the new year with a lot on your mind. On one hand, you've spent more than 3.5 years with your girlfriend and have all of that time, energy--and all the memories--telling you to believe her when she says she wants to live with you. On the other, you've got evidence that she 1.already chose someone else over you 2.loves that other person--not to mention the fact that she basically broke up with you over Christmas. I don't know her as well as you do, so I have no idea what, other than falling in love with someone else, motivated her choices. Peer pressure probably had something to do with it. If I stretch my imagination a bit, I can see that she owes quite a lot of money, thought it impossible to live in Australia whilst paying it back, and maybe started seeing someone she thought she could find love with, without you (but that is a REAL big stretch). Looking at it based on what you've said, the two of you had several years together living in the same area, so you had lots of time to get to know each other. When you left, the two of you had made plans for a reunion, and you also were engaged. Were the 3 visits to Australia all made between July 2003 and now? If so, that makes 3 times during this half of the year that you've seen each other! If I were you, I would study this situation before going back with your fiancee. Everyone is different, but it seems to me she's showing very little willpower and fidelity. It's not nice to be apart, but you appear to have provided every assurance of honorable intentions. I don't intend for you to compare this to your situation, but just to show you extended fidelity is possible: my boyfriend and I met in October 1999, while he was completing his PhD. He's English, and we knew he would have to either find a job or go home in Aug. 2000. He didn't find a job here. We were separated until December, when I went to live with him in England. A year later, we experienced more employment problems, and I wound up having to return to the US. He joined me for an extended stay and then had to return home--and so on--it's been about 2 years since we've had more than "long visits" with each other. No, that's not the way we want it, but my point is that during this time, we've both discussed the relationship. We aren't engaged, but have been committed to each other. Sure, it's hard for me, wondering if this will ever end, or if I should see someone new, or if he should. The thing is, I know that if it gets too hard for either of us, we will tell each other BEFORE seeing other people, not after the fact! I have no doubts he shares my view, because we've talked about it. That was our arrangement in lieu of agreeing to a set time apart (since we couldn't do that). This is your decision to make, but instinct tells me you're being taken advantage of. I don't want to be harsh, but she's probably aware that right now, you're the guy who has given her the engagement ring. What happens if the other guy says, "Oh, if you stay with me, I'll pay off your debts for you." Sorry, I can't help but be suspicious. If I had seen my s.o. at Christmas, he would have been absolutely smothered with affection, ring or no ring. Just do me a favor--weigh the time you've spent with your girlfriend so far against what the rest of your life will be like. Marriage is meant to last a long, long time, and too many people don't understand just how long life can seem with the wrong person. Good luck; remember to take care of yourself, even though life's hard right now.

hey JanieMarie, Having your own morals and sticking with them is a really admirable trait! You seem to be doing it for the right reasons, too--respect for yourself, first of all--and secondly, respect for your future relationship partner. I don't get the impression that you've been aggressive or judgmental toward the guy you fancy and his current flame (it would be good to keep keeping your thoughts to yourself, even though it bothers you to see them together). Caldus is right; a guy who can fool around with a woman casually may not do it with another. . . but he's shown you he can do! Is that a risk you'd really want to take? You want someone who respects your relationship as much as you do--so I suggest hanging in there, having fun with your life as it is, and knowing that someday the right guy for you will come along. I'm a type B too, and I don't regret postponing my physical urges for the completeness I've experienced with the emotional intimacy that comes from really knowing and loving my partner.

hi stizel, I'm sorry about what happened with your gf; I'm on the female side of a troubled ltr--4.5 years--and would be really happy if my guy felt differently at the moment. The problem with us is not someone else; it's distance. I can understand your feelings about the length of time you've done your best to love your gf, though, and also how it must feel now to think all of that wasn't enough for her. I agree with the others. Now is time to look after yourself, and yes, nice guys are hard to find. I think it is likely that your gf might want to try working things out--in time. Whether that happens or not probably depends on how you feel about the odds, and if you want her back after taking time to think it over, and how soon you meet someone new who may be more suited for you than you expect. The thing a lot of people don't realise is that every relationship will have its ups and downs--and a new one, even if it seems "perfect" to start, will have its own troubles. Maybe there is something we don't know about the 4+ year mark?

hope everything works out, plusa. . . you do seem as though you're starting to understand this situation a lot more (not to mention how complicated it seems to be). Law school!--now that is a big part of the problem! I'm in a tough grad program right now, and it's definitely contributing to stress with friendships and my ldr. --and lol, my source of stress is that there AREN'T any men in it. Can you imagine how we girls get sometimes?! The fact that the two of you are in the same program is going to be hard on both of you right now, but just try to give her a little space (or maybe a lot!), and if talking is too emotional, maybe write down what you have to say, and explain what you're doing by not being around so much. It may be useful to look at your background to understand some of your actions, but that works only to a point. Then you have to just say "that was then, this is now" and work on improving your present tense. I can tell you really care about this relationship, and I think with a little time, things will improve.

hey beautiful, I'm going through nearly the same thing as you're describing right now--down to the v. ill grandmother--only we've been together 4.5 years, instead of three--and he lives in another country. Nevertheless, I know how you must be feeling right now, and how hard it is not to get really upset, and to say something you mean now but might want to take back later. I agree with the advice to try to wait and see; as it is, for myself, I think I've said way too much (but then, my grandmother just died, and thought my guy would've snapped out of it, at least temporarily!!) I'm with you, though. If he doesn't return your calls, or emails, or texts--or he does and wants to split, feel free to "speak your mind". If you're hoping to remain friends, you might really put some time into planning what you have to say--just so you do it as tactfully as possible. Best of luck. . . .

Hi plusa-- Well, you certainly have clarified things--maybe even a bit more so for yourself than before. I'm not sure what others' experiences are, but yes, what you describe does sound like quite a lot of time to spend with one person (especially when that one person is in your grad program). Such closeness, however, can work out positively, too. I'm really sorry you're experiencing the loss of your friend right now, but try to relax. I don't know your friend the way you do but would suggest letting things calm down a while. Let her have some "space" and maybe even write her a note or email telling her that's what you're doing (so she doesn't think you've ignored her--I'm betting she feels quite embarrassed, too, about her mistaken perception of your feelings). Maybe she could tell you when she feels ready to talk again, and you could resume the friendship--but perhaps not spend so much time together as before--at least for a while. Your behavior (the "acting like a jerk" bit) sounds like nothing more than anyone else might do--a normal amount of "messing up" in a friendship. I'm not sure if you apologized later when you realised you were in the wrong, but you seem like the type who might. (Apologizing, and really meaning it, can do wonders, if you haven't tried that) The problem, on your side, seems to be that you've been pushed toward relationships that you might not want, or at least aren't sure you want. I don't know all the reasons for your conflicted? feelings, but I can sympathize with the closeness of a grad program, and maybe being unsure whether the daily interaction might not be what you would choose under other circumstances. There is nothing at all wrong with taking the time to be friends with someone, and maybe later making things more romantic, if both people want to--or not. The key word there is "both people". That includes you! Even if your feelings have wavered one way or the other on occasion, that doesn't give someone else the right to assume anything about your relationship that you haven't said to each other. That said, people being people, one is often bound to have different or deeper feelings, and everyone is different--she probably is feeling really vulnerable and sensitive right now. If she really wanted a "boyfriend not friend", maybe she feels she spent time with you, when she could have been meeting someone who was more interested in being a boyfriend. I don't know that--and I'm guessing you're not sure either. Good luck with your situation. The fact that you both seem to have had lots of good times together is in your favor. I hope things work out, with a little time!

okay, here's another thumbs down for Mr. Pitt (get a shave + haircut, brad!) 1. Jude Law 2. George Clooney 3. Colin Farrell 4. Ashton Kutcher ( a bit young, though) 5. Brad Pitt

Hi plusa, The question you asked is a great first step. It shows that you care about your behavior in relationships and want to work at improving them. I'm new to the forum, so I'm not sure how much my inexperienced input is worth. I'm also a woman who has many great guy friends and, in general, have not had the experience you describe personally. I've seen it happen with other female friends, though. Usually they are single--and really wanting a "boyfriend-not-just-friend" without saying so upfront--or the guy they've been hanging about with also is single but perhaps no interest in having a romantic relationship. You don't mention the kinds of activities you engage in with your female "friends", but if they involve ordinary (not too intimate or potentially sexual situations)--like sports, group activities, casual hanging out--you're probably not doing anything specifically to lead them on. If I were you, I would continue to be cautious about getting too flirtatious, or introducing sexual references/conversation. If you have thought of doing so, I would advise against giving "romantic" gifts, or even having long, intimate conversations, when you suspect a woman is showing unwanted attraction. I don't want to present contradictory advice, but personally, part of my interest in male-female friendships is the gentle flirtation that is possible--without going any further. You're right; it's possible to compliment each other, and even to let the sparks fly sometimes--and that can be fun. At the end of the day, though, what I value about my guy friends is the same as what I value about my female friends--they're lots of fun, can be counted on when I need them, are great listeners, and critical of me when they need to be--and I'm able to be the same to them, as well, I hope! You didn't mention the problems you were having specifically, apart from the unwanted attraction and the creation/attraction of "drama". You do say, however, that you "really do act like a jerk". Has it occurred to you that these women may be reacting to your general behavior rather than some sort of unrequited physical attraction? Maybe your perception of their "advances" is not as intense as you imagine. I understand that women's imaginations can work overtime, too, so it's possible that their trouble "separating their feelings" just means that they imagined something more than friendship had developed with you, and they were too disappointed at the time to continue the friendship. Being a faithful friend is a quality that you should (and perhaps do) value in itself. A genuinely faithful friend shouldn't expect some sort of romantic love as a reward, but perhaps these women don't realise that. On that note, take care of yourself, too. Be sure that your friends appreciate you for your entire personality and not just your good looks or "confidence". Try not to confuse a "don't care attitude" with confidence, either. Maybe women do see that sort of nonchalant/devil-may-care behaviour as a turn-on, but believe me, the excitement definitely is fleeting!