littlefeet

Not sure if I need to mention this or not, but one way I can tell if this sort of thing feels okay is whether I feel as content with the friendship as I do with my other friendships--the balance of it has to feel as even and solid as the others--because it has to BE a friendship, or at least be growing toward one (with an ex this can take some time). If you try to be friends, DO remember that you're trying (and if you feel divided about it, you can say that to your ex, also). If it starts to feel wrong or unpleasant or you're not both equally invested, etc., it's like any other relationship--you can choose to end it.

Hey pseboy, It looks as though you already have some good responses. I have had a dilemma like this before, and what I realised then has seemed to be true over time--if what I wanted was to be platonic friends, fine, but if I wanted to be friends to have a shot at a romantic relationship, then how true would the friendship ever be? Personally, I do want to be married someday to someone I feel is a "best friend"--but if that's the case, then I also want the friendship to be genuine on both sides. I'm not saying we can't have friends we're attracted to, or friends we'd consider dating--but we have to realise that we probably won't be dating/sleeping with/etc. these people--that it's not a reality we're seriously considering. If it is, I can only think it would be more of a letdown than a friendship. On the positive side, if you're not sure you really want your ex back in a romantic sense, or even pretty sure you don't, and you've realized there are lots of things about them that suit a solid friendship (or might do), why not give it a try? From experience, I know that once I feel this way about an ex-boyfriend, I'm usually pretty sure I do not want to date him again but still really like other things about him. A couple of times, though, mostly as I've become ready to consider more serious relationships--thinking about marriage, family, etc.--I've found that being friends when in the "iffy" stage--not sure I'm over him but not sure I'm not over him--has HELPED me see some genuine "reasons why not". Being friends allowed me to see these things over a bit of time, but the friendship helped me retain some of the positive qualities about the relationships that both of us enjoyed. That's my 2 cents. I don't think this works in all cases, but you've had really diverse responses and I'm sure your personal feelings and boundaries will help you decide what feels okay to you.

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this, but it just occurred to me--I can be friends when I think "person I enjoy talking to/being around" and don't think "EX". Sometimes it takes time, but eventually it does happen.

Hi again. . . it's interesting to see what people think about this. To "I am Teddy". . .sometimes it is an indicator of solidity, sometimes not. I think ta-ree-saw said it better. People have different boundaries, and it doesn't make them stronger/weaker than the next. I do think, though, that people have to be solid in their understanding and acceptance of one another's boundaries. What's acceptable really varies, but like she's too smart, I've had some good experiences with exes (and some I wouldn't want to repeat!). I'd hate to have to stop hanging out with a couple of friends--who I really consider friends now, nothing more, just because we used to go out. Let's face it, sometimes we have exes we remain attracted to (which I agree can make friendship hard), and sometimes we're dating and discover a friendship, really, every time is a little different. I think that was the point of this poll!

Sorry--goodness, I must be tired! I meant it's too bad about HIM, not that you're doing great! Having been there recently, I feel somewhat familiar with the thoughts that must be going through your mind at times, and you seem like a very strong person.

Hi Sammy, It's pretty clear these days that alcoholism often runs in families, though I only know from witnessing the pattern in my extended family. I am not sure if it's specifically "alcoholism" or simply any addictive behavioral tendency. You sound like you're doing great--and it is too bad. I feel that way as well. But think of it this way: if you were mostly able to be happy in the relationship, if you could see those good qualities in him, if you feel you gave it your best and weren't hunting for faults--then you showed him love. That's really the best we can do for people sometimes, and it's a gift. It shows that you do have what it takes to seriously consider commitment and to be happy with another person. Good for you. . . you'll be feeling just fine again in little time, I bet.

Hey, I didn't read your other post but I've noticed it takes lots of personal security to deal with either being friends with one's own ex or dating someone who is friends with an ex, mostly if they are close. There was a time in my life when it would have bothered me, but I've found it doesn't anymore. The key thing you mention is the scenario where your significant other adores you. If one has to worry about exes being friends, maybe one also should question the solidity of one's relationship. (I do think, though, that this is something that can be difficult in the early days of developing a relationship, so it should be handled openly--and the exes need to be very sure they plan on staying exes).

Well, it's good that I'm spending this beautiful day in front of my computer, after all. You know, it sounds like we might have been going out with a similar kind of guy. I think you've got a handle on what might have happened, but even if it's not what you're suspecting, it's still clear that this guy isn't right for you--as you said, he has to be able to communicate when something is feeling wrong without automatically running away from the whole relationship. My ex "appeared" to be just what I was looking for--a well-adjusted guy who had lots in common with me--he, also, came accross as a "nice guy", very well adjusted, but also from a tough childhood--while his parents both loved him, I can say he never experienced what healthy adult relationships are like. He needed a LOT of attention during our relationship and ironically, he was always asking for reassurance from me about how I felt and saying someday I would get tired of him. . . . Of course at the time, it sticks out as odd, but back then it was "spread out" during a relationship that I perceived as peaceful and happy. The bottom line, though, is that when we grow up, part of that is taking responsibility for our weaknesses. There are lots of people who are prone to addictive behavior, who suffer from depression and other disorders, who come from tough childhoods--and who are great partners and spouses because they've decided to sort out their issues. I hope you've got lots of friends around who will support your need to get out and have fun right now to help you get over this. Another thing that helps is talking it all out, figuring it out, and then putting limits on how long you'll dwell on it (especially until it stops upsetting you). I know one thing that upset me a lot was that if I'd been a "buddy" of his, I would probably have said, um. . . have you considered talking over this stuff with a counselor or dealing with your physical symptoms by going to the doctor? But I'm not in that position, and he's carefully kept all of his other friends to "phone, email, and visit from faraway places once or twice a year" people--or just acquaintances. There's a point when there's just nothing more one can do. That's hard, but it makes moving forward easier in some ways. Good luck!

oopsie. I mean yes, I do now (and I'd like it to be friendly, but he's had three "chances" now to just move on and be nice, and he hasn't managed it yet. . . so it's been more like "when you can stop talking about this and move forward, I'd love to chat with you")--why I had to put my littlefeet down!

1.Does your ex still contact you? Yes, but I'm not sure if he will anymore, as I've told him we can't rehash the past anymore! 2.Do you respond when he does that? Yes, I do not. Not so much when I wanted to get over my sadness about the relationship ending. If he doesn't make any attempts,would you respond? Meaning if he doesn't contact me, would I? I wouldn't make much effort to do so, as I've already let him know in a response to a message from him that I'm ready to talk again. If I don't hear from him, I might let him know when I'm back in town. . . but really, I'll need to see some effort from him to be friendly first. 3.How do you feel when you see bump accidently at your ex on the street? That hasn't happened. Because of his recent behavior, I might feel a little the way I do when I see someone I don't dislike but also don't like very much. I would probably give chatting a try and then get out politely if it wasn't fun! 4.Have you moved on? Yes. I also feel ready for friendly dating/flirting, but probably not to seek out another serious relationship right now, as I'm not permanently living in my current location (nor planning to stay nearby for long). 5.If he/she asked for you to try again,would you agree? For a while I thought yes, but slowly and with some counseling. Now I think the most I can be comfortable with is friendship. 6.What has helped you most to heal from your break-up? Being aware of my personal priorities in relationships, seeing examples of strong partnerships that have overcome some serious problems (to know they're out there!), and finding out some things about my ex that probably were not intentional lies, but were not presented with 100% honesty (so he would look more able to commit/like a more stable choice). Talking through my behavior with a counselor when the situation made me question my behavior also helped me see that I'd behaved responsibly, fairly, and with love--I gave it my best, so there was no reason to feel bad over it.

Hi there, I agree with the other advice. Also, you want more from a guy than this, so go out there again when you feel ready, and I bet you will find someone who can give a lot more to a real relationship! One thing sticks out: your guy got out of a long relationship and started seeing you two months later. You come accross as someone who may hang out and have fun while getting to know a guy, but in the end perhaps wants to hang out and have fun within a committed situation. Unless some miracle happens, this guy is probably not going to be able to handle that. If he's basically a decent guy, he probably picked up on your (very reasonable) expectations and is aware he can't fulfill them right now, or doesn't want to right now. I think that's reasonable too. He probably hasn't even addressed the ltr breakup yet, but he got involved with you and now with this other girl, who is--surprise--leaving to study abroad and thus unattainable, practically speaking! He may be a wonderful guy, but my guess is that when he stops running, he'll have a lot of feelings to deal with on his own before he can have a productive partnership.

Hi Sammy, This is a long post, but I thought some details might help and don't mind sharing, as I remember the confusion and frustration VERY well! Now i just have the frustration sometimes Roughly the same thing happened to me too. We're even from about the same place up there in the North He is 30, I'm 30. If it helps you to know, he and I went out for just over a year, and he broke up with me right after we talked about resolving our relationship so we could have a proper future together (we started out in the same city, but I moved away to finish a grad school internship). Although I was happy with the idea of a future together, I have to say that this conversation, along with any others, that we had was started by him. I should add that the breakup was the opposite of the thoughtful behavior he showed in our relationship--on the phone, just before a planned holiday for my birthday AND before some research I had to do in his and my "home" city that I could not reschedule. His behavior during the breakup seemed suddenly very desperate, more like that of a dumpee, frankly, and became more adult ONLY after I explained "Sorry, buddy, I'm going to have to do this stuff for work, and I can't make you do this, but I think you should express your wishes to my face, like an adult." He also expressed problems "feeling intimate enough". . . though we shared plenty of intimacy, physical and otherwise. Whether or not you talk to this guy again, it might help you to know that we almost never know the whole story up front. In the end, I found out some other things about him (maybe there are things you just don't know about your ex), and it makes a bit more sense why this happened, but I doubt it had much to do with anything in particular about me. In the past my ex had expressed many signs of depression, including talking with me about an absense of highs and lows, tiredness, physical (stomach problems), recent onset of severe migraine headaches, etc. that had been going on for more than 2 years. He didn't have many friends or make efforts to have them, had frequent inertia, worked and worked and worked unless we had plans. In the end he said, "Don't project happiness on me. I am not that happy!" (what?) and that he had felt "anguish and agony" caused by me/our relationship. Now, I'm a fairly fun-loving, very softspoken person and am 99% sure I did nothing to cause such turmoil in him! I had been very busy with grad school, to the point that I had to plan time to hang out with my other friends and him. As we're both adults, I suppose I expected him to find his own balance and to talk with me if he felt something was wrong. Back then I wasn't hunting for problems--I simply hadn't put the sum total of them together until after the breakup, while trying, like you, to make sense of it! I was beginning to love him enough to consider the future, as I described, but since I was the one who started out feeling more like "friends", and since I felt we had enough in common to sustain it, I told him I was fine with thinking about friendship. I've started to do that after a few months of very limited contact--but HE is still talking about the breakup and frankly, pulling a really childish, mean attitude, and I can't decide if it's simply that he can't respond coherently to anything I say but is off in his own interpretation of the world. He seems very self-absorbed. Ugh! Although he's the only one between us who has mentioned his decision to "split" (tee-hee, that's his actual word for it. . . how aptly put!) and if it was right or not, he keeps going over it and over it and seems stuck back there--while telling me that he needs to feel sure "I've moved on" before we can talk. (hmm. . . who needs to move on?) Keep in mind that this behavior started after I requested my stuff and my apartment key back. Well, I let him know pretty frankly that I'm fed up with that kind of back and forth, that I've extended my friendship, and that he can let me know if/when he feels ready for that, but I'm not participating in more rehashing of the past with him. It sounds as though you handled yourself well in this relationship and did nothing that could have influenced your guy's decision to "split". Be strong, take time out--when a guy behaves really ridiculously, or illogically, I've found I get over him really fast! I hope it'll be the same for you. Just be CAREFUL if you want to be his friend. If his emotional stuff goes quite deep, or if he's more immature than you realised, be aware of what's going on and don't let yourself get dragged down in his problems. That's not friendship. Maybe part of it is that your guy is 26, and he has lots of changes going on. I have a slightly younger brother and he was pretty scared of commitment to a woman my age back then, but he overcame that. Look at my ex--30--still doing the same, only probably the trouble is more deeply seated now! I've had a few friends who have been depressed and had successful treatment. People can have any number of problems, but it's their responsibility to handle them, and at some point the outside excuses for a problem need to stop. Does any of us really want to be with a partner who isn't a partner, who can't make a constructive effort to address his/her issues before chalking it up to a relationship being wrong--or more important, someone who can't take responsibility for why he needs to leave? Sometimes it is the relationship, but a couple has to be in a place where they can see that clearly, past the film of "outside issues". Take care & feel free to mail me if you want to talk privately. You sound like you're handling this really well, but if you feel the need to reread your journal, rethink the relationship, etc., I think it's worth the time spent doing that. Just be sure to have plenty of fun with your friends and take care of eating, sleeping, exercising at the same time!

hi there. . . you've gotten lots of helpful advice, so I just wanted to say for ever bad stretch, there are good ones too. it's hard, that feeling of loving someone even though your logic tells you to try not to. This is a rough time of year, though; so much to be emotional about--I've had similar text/non-text spurts the past few days too & chalked it up to even the least emotional guy having his memories. You're doing well, though; keep going with your life & see what happens, though I sincerely hope some of the holiday season will also bring you joy!

Echo Ated. . . look after you. You seem like a caring person, with a very understanding family. (My mum is lovely, but I doubt she would be so kind to someone who dumped me and then wanted to see my bedroom; she'd show him the door, in short order!) Well, I like to care about people too, but one lesson I've learned the hard way is that some problems can't be fixed by caring. This guy has a lot of self-discovery to do by the sound of things; emphasis on SELF. You look after you. . . as Ated said. . . and you'll wind up with a great relationship someday.

If you aren't feeling definitely ready to see her, don't do it yet. If it makes you feel better, you could (briefly) explain via email or phone or text that it's because you don't feel quite ready. Or you could just say "hey, I can't make it, sorry" full stop. Keep working through this; it's good you're addressing your feelings, because in the future, that will help you keep your heart and mind open to someone new. We learn a lot from any relationship, and you won't forget the feeling of being able to "open up". It sounds as though you've done a great job of working toward your end of the friendship transition; it's time for that to become a two way, understanding sort of street.