Hello all, I'd love to have some feedback or advice on my personnal situation, as I find what I have been reading on the forum very valuable.
I was in a relationship for 5 years, with a girl slightly younger then I was, I after I period of doubt I found out that my feelings had really changed, that routine was really keeping me with her, and that I need out. I was weak until out of the blue came out this girl, who was also with someone else at the time, we fell passionatly in love and this gave me the strength to end this stalling relationship, rather brutally but I couldn't find another way out.
As I was saying, our relationship was very passionnate, fiery. After a couple of month, we took a flat together. But soon enough, as it was probable,cracks began to appear. She had many personnal issues, unresolved questions to deal with and I was still maturing in this new relationship, which soon became somehow destructive. To make things short, we broke up after a year, which was ok, but still had to endure the difficult experience of living together for a couple of month after having broken up. This was little time before last summer.
I slowly healed, the feeling of pain and of a void was there, but I soon came out of it, and now we're very good friends, though the passionnate element has completely disapeared.
But in the meantime, after a couple of flirtish relationship, I met someone whi has completely changed me. She came out of nowhere, again, a party, and things clicked. Fast. She had some issues to deal with and I was just out this last spell, and it seemed we didn't really want to get involved in a new relationship. So it seemed. We tried to keep things "light", and have fun, enjoy each other's company. But things didn't exactly work out that way. I fell in love, without really realizing it. Hard. Things had clicked in a new way for me, a relationship had never been so balanced, open, and real. I was beginning to feel that there was something beneath the fun good times and feverish sensuality, but just went with the flow, it flet so good.
Then it happened, just when this change was happenning, or when I realized that it was, she told me hat this person she had been seeing for a couple of years, sometimes as friends, sometimes as lovers, had came out and told her he loved her, and that no matter how strongs things were getting between us, she wanted, needed to live that relationship. I said ok, and gave way.
Our relationship had lasted a mere month, and yet it was the strongest thing I have ever felt in my life. This was around christmas time.
Now I'm still getting over it. We did some no contact, then saw each other and enjoyed each other's company, the presense, though it was awkward. After a couple of emotionnal moments, heavy, when we talked things over ( which incidentally did me a world of good, clearing up some obsessive thoughts), we now see each other everyweek, or every two week, to do something short, have some drinks or shop whatever. And we avoid heavy subjects, because although we almost fell in this situation, we realised that neither of us really wanted each other as a confident, because of this emotionnal bonding between us. Although some twisted part of me did, I didn't really want to know how things where going with her boyfriend, and although it was somehow easy for her to reach out to me and talk openly, she didn't want to feel that she was searching for something else in me that she wasn't finding in her relationship. This is the way things are now, she's with this person, 15 years older than she is, and I'm trying to get over it. The no contact rule didn't really work out because we don't really want to lie to each other, we enjoy seeing each other and it doesn't really make suffer. Maybe it does by keeping something alive, but I do not want to eradicate these feelings either. I've been an emotional yoyo ever since, feeling things I had never felt before, doing things, seeing friends, partying, sure, but feeling a great sense of emptiness, boredom, classical depression symptoms. It's been like that for month now, and i'm still in the same situation. I really don't know what to try to help me move on. I feel I know who I am, I enjoy my life, which is full of surprises, but emotionally I'm a wreck. Hard to meet other people, girls I meet seem boring, and though I would love to have fun, spend nice nice time on dates I must be sending out bad vibes because no one seems attracted to me, even if I'm in a good mood, as smiling and sociable as I can be... depressing too !
I know these things take time to really heal, but I feel that the only way would be to fall in love again, and considering the circumstances this seems very hard. So now i just feel lonely every two days, though this has never really occurred to me before, because I never felt this feeling of a void... any hints, on things to do, to try to get me out of this ?
Thanks
j
