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desertnomad

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  1. desertnomad
    I was married for 6.5 years. My marriage was without the fantasy...pretty much hard cold reality. I was the one that left it because I didnt know much better. I left it for fantasy. My most recent relationship of 4 years just ended and it was all fantasy with the foolish heart in control...very little truth in it and it tore me up. So I guess I did things backwards. Like Mun I will only have a relationship now like my marriage...no fantasy no illusions where we both speak our minds...just with someone I can get along with a little better. Thats the only way I would have any faith in another relationship/marriage if the other person can communicate without talking all the time and we can work on issues as they come up. My current ex never did that with me and just let things build up for years and ended up dumping it all on me at the end.
  2. desertnomad
    Yeah a very long process. It must be tough seeing her and having her close by. That would be very difficult for me if my ex was so close and I cant imagine it being any more difficult than it is already. I know about the best friend part and feeling betrayed as do many here. Its hard to be alone without the person you trusted and counted on. But then life is to short to spend on something that isnt going to work or that is just caught in a viscious cycle too. It wouldnt do to live your whole life and look back realizing what an unecessary struggle you continued to go through and spent all your time on. I am all for doing whatever it takes to make your relationship what you want and make your own grass green (unlike my ex apparently) but there comes a point when you do everything (get counseling, have long talks, take a break etc.)and it still isnt working. I guess everyone has to decide where that point is and how much they love someone and how much effort its worth. Sounds like you have done all you know how to and it just wasnt happening and it was dragging you down after 7 years. Hang in there LS.
  3. desertnomad
    well anger towards her and anger towards myself for my mistakes and being so blind to her distance from me emotionally, setting myself up for a big breakup
  4. desertnomad
    disappointed heartbroken lyed to cheated on unloved anger waste of time anger (toward myself for my own mistakes) sadness male dumpee
  5. desertnomad
    Yep stay strong TBD. Shes just trying to make herself feel better because she finally feels guilty about ditching you after 3.5 years out of the blue for no other reason except to date someone else! You have better plans though. She had her chance and blew it. She is just trying to save face. Maybe her new thing isnt working out as well as she had hoped. But that means nothing because you have moved on.
  6. desertnomad
    Awesome, Orlander...I am fighting here to take back those things also...been to a few restaurants that I never thought I could go back to but found it wasnt as hard as I thought. theres still a few places I hold as 'sacred' but maybe one day I will be able to go there too.
  7. desertnomad
    Yeah I am a guy and breakups are hell on me. Never stayed with someone I didnt truly care about and its hard to get over them especially the latest one which happened 3 months ago. It really sux. sometimes wish I was an android with no feelings at all...will change my name to Data
  8. desertnomad
    Thanks Shamus and everyone. I am trying to see it as a fresh new start but moving out here with the ex just last year was what I thought was a fresh new start for us. Today is 3 months since she left and while I know what reality is I still feel this incredible sadness inside. I know how much I loved her despite all of our fights of the first couple years. I thought we were in a much better place. I just still find it so hard to accept that she did not feel the same for me as I felt for her. She had told me she never loved any other man like she loved me and yet her actions dont warrant that statement at all. I know that how I loved her was genuine and everything I did was with her in mind. Her leaving destroyed so much...financially, emotionally, socially, etc. Our worlds were literally wrapped around each others but that didnt matter to her all that much I guess. It isnt the first time she has abandoned a SO pretty harshly. I miss her still at least the person I thought I had. I feel so socially inept right now. She was my world and now I have to rebuild from square one after so much effort of 4 years-moving to her state, moving accross country with her, finding new jobs, so many places traveled to for fun, and so much more. Its like I put all or nothing into her and ended up with nothing or at least very little at the moment. I definetly feel crushed...not so much emotional anymore just crushed and kind of hopeless.
  9. desertnomad
    You got it. March has been officially canceled
  10. desertnomad
    I agree Ipso. It is great advice by frisco. If we would follow logic instead of our foolish hearts with its romantic notions of happily ever after we might avoid alot of needless heartache. Its so easy to get caught up in the emotion of being with someone and having someone and being so grateful for it, which is normal, that we forget to really look at things ever objectively and see if this is really good for us. If we did that in a relationship we might either one see its not good for us to be in that relationship or two realize there are issues that need to be talked about and resolved right now before planning anymore of the future together...a future that may never happen. I found with me my mind is forced to take a back seat with all its misgivings while that romantic notion of 'love conquers all' is in control. Look out below....
  11. desertnomad
    After 3 months I dreamed about my ex for the first time yesterday. But it was only a short dream and I had the same confused feelings about her in the dream that I always had in real life. That feeling of is she really being honest with me or that she doesnt know who she is or what she wants. So it didnt quite bother me all that much. Hope your dreams dont continue. I used to dream of the ex wife and it really threw me into a depression for a few hours. I wish we just could go through life without putting soooo much importance on relationships. I certainly am not there.
  12. desertnomad
    Just an afterthought I had today. Can we suspend the holidays this year. Maybe just call december like 2nd June or something and November 2nd May? Maybe selfish... but thats ok.
  13. desertnomad
    I would have to agree about living together or being married. I think it would generally take longer to get over that relationship since so much more of your lives are together. You never really have a place to go where you were there just by yourself at least for some part of the day. Living together just means theres so many more memories of you and your SO. If I hadnt lived with my ex then coming home and not seeing her standing there and not being able to give her a hug wouldnt be such a difficult moment for me.
  14. desertnomad
    Pizza, brownies, and beer sounds good about now. I know what your feeling about the holidays. Gonna be tough here to. Was with the ex the last 4 holiday seasons. Just cant believe its gonna be another lonely year end. The last thing I would have expected at the start of the year. Hang in there robin
  15. desertnomad
    I learned like others who posted on this thread to trust your gut instincts. If there is something you constantly feel is wrong then its probably the truth. And the more the other person denies it or says your just being suspcious then its probably true even more. Those people who defend themselves the loudest and point the finger of blame are most likely hiding something not the least a guilty conscience. On top of that make sure like hell you have your own world so when that person up and leaves you your whole world doesnt blow up all around you. One last thing never be with someone who cant communicate their feelings and never be with someone who cant stop communicating their feelings. I have been with both extremes. Time for a little sanity.
  16. desertnomad
    Really sucks doesnt it? when you give a damn about someone and they dont really seem to care or give back to you the same? I know when you give you dont do it to always get but its nice to think that the person you spend so many years giving to might give a damn deep down inside as much as you do. Maybe one day if fate is kind to us someone much better will come along who will recognize what they have and all the good things instead of just being self serving and diminishing who we are because we arent 'perfect'.
  17. desertnomad
    Thanks TBD. I do spend way to much time still thinking about her and the situation. I have been able to handle things alot better on the emotion side just the thoughts still drive me crazy some times. I will try to stay busier and not think about her. Its not so much what shes doing as what she did and feeling like I need to know everything that happened since I was pretty much duped for many many months. Looking at her pics may not make me super emotional but it does keep her or the past in my thoughts, hadnt really thought about it from that angle. I need to just pass by her pictures like they arent even there or find another site like LS said.
  18. desertnomad
    Thanks for your comments everyone. What has tortured me the most is that I thought she was a really decent person who would not have betrayed me like this.I trusted her not to do something like this or to be so hurtful. I feel like I am trying to rewrite all those thoughts in my brain and change them from the illusion I had of her to reality. It is in some way torture I guess looking at those pics which shows me I have a way to go before I am over the whole thing. I understand what your saying Shes2Smart. I will try not to be bitter. I certainly dont want to scare healthy people away. I think your right Jayar and Crazy. There were some comments by her that really made it seem like she was trying very hard to replace memories of me with this other person. But then she may just have moved on totally not that I really care because I couldnt have someone like her back in my life ever.
  19. desertnomad
    The more I find out about my ex the more I just cant believe I was with such a lying cheating individual for 4 years that I spilled my heart out to. I see her posting pictures on an art site of her and my replacement. The pictures don’t make me depressed just angry at her (which in a way is good) but I just feel like it creates such a huge cynicism in me to the point of feeling like I will never find an honest person ever. The picture she posted today was of the Grand Canyon. She went there with him the very day after she left me! I was the first one to bring her there last November since its only a few hours away from where we live. It was such a great weekend and we had a lot of fun. I pretty much knew she had gone there and other ‘special’ places with him but seeing more of the pictures and her actually admitting it just makes me angry. How could someone just switch off their emotions and write over memories like that, that we had, pretty much the very first day they leave?? We didn’t have a horrible relationship and I told her I loved her everyday. She was even commenting on how she was concerned about him walking on the edge and wanting to tether him to a tree and b.s. like that. Here I was having the worst weekend of my life literally and shes out there having “extraordinary” few days worried about him and not giving a damn about me. I know looking at ex’s pictures generally isn’t a good idea but I had her on a pedestal for so long that they just shatter my illusions of her. But it just makes me angry. I don’t understand how anyone could be so callous. We spent 4 years together doing so much and having so much fun then she runs off with him and does the same things. I feel used. How is it possible to be so cold hearted? I don’t know how I will ever be able to trust anyone again if I even get the chance.
  20. desertnomad
    It took me a couple years to get over my divorce. And now am into three months post breakup of a 4 year relationship. I can say that I am about 25 percent over it so got a ways to go. I think it can take a few years to completely get over something to where you no longer feel anything at all and the memories have no sting to them. However I dont think you should be seriously mourning the loss past a year, like having any tears or deep sadness or depression. I dont think time alone heals. Its what you do in that time that makes all the difference. I didnt do much post divorce but now have done quite alot post breakup like following the forums on here and it does help.
  21. desertnomad
    LS, the way you have handled things have been an inspiration to me in my own hell I am going through. All your support and comments on here have been great. Hang in there. I know some days and moments are excrutiating. All last week I was on the verge of emailing my ex for some reason. Now this week after finding out a little more crap about our relationship I am glad I didnt. You will be glad you didnt also when you get past these moments. You loved your ex so its only reasonable to still be mourning the loss of some things and parts of her. I find myself doing the same thing. Dont Call bro.! It will set you way back. 35 days thats alot of time invested!
  22. desertnomad
    I bought a decent digital camera and take lots of photos and post them online. I still feel the void but it helps.
  23. desertnomad
    I understand how you may feel a little bit. My 35 year old ex of 4 yrs. left me for someone who is 50 (and poor) and has a kid only 5 years younger than her. Its something I will never comprehend. I sent her lots of emails and I.m's also but it didnt do any good. But I pretty much knew it wasnt going to do any good even before I found out about the other guy. I sent them to get things off of my chest and to make sure on my part that I said all the things (good things) that I wanted to say that I felt I may have neglected at some time in the past. I still feel ok about doing it because theres nothing now that I think of that pops into my head where I say damn if only I had reminded her about that or shared that with her she wouldnt have been so crazy in the end. I thought maybe I could help her see things in a different way by pointing out all the positive things about us and me since she was only focusing on the negative. That of course was futile but I still dont feel bad about it. You have to be careful not to put your self esteem and self respect on the line so you dont feel stupid later. I think thats what NC is really good at protecting. But I can understand wanting to let her know in a dignified way about who you really are and really wanted. I would also agree though that if your going to send something dont send it in haste. Give it a few days and reread it. It may sound different to you at different times.
  24. desertnomad
    Hey LS good to see you back. I have felt the anger to but in my case it usually makes me move forward a little bit. I spend so much time blaming myself that it really gets me down. But when I am angry I get a little more objective and cant believe her actions toward me at the end and all her lying cheating ways. I didnt deserve what she did to me in the least whatever complaints she had about me they werent so horrible to deserve anything close to that. What a psycho. Shes definetly missing some emotion chips. As your ex may be also. A family member of mine told me that I had been used and abused also so I know what you mean by your ex just being a user. On the emotional level they were. I find it difficult to that after 4 years my ex couldnt care less if I was dead or alive. When she left me that day she even took my damn prescription medecine as if I was gonna take the whole bottle. I had never done that or threatened that before. But she still knew how horribly it was gonna affect me and she still left the way she did. But despite that she turned off her cell phone for over a week and never checked the messages. yeah she was really concerned about me huh? Wish I had some opportunities to date because I just dont. But I wouldnt pass those up at all if I had the chance. Take care
  25. desertnomad
    "I may live to regret leaving you but thats a chance I am willing to take"
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