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desertnomad

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  1. desertnomad
    Yesterday was two months since the person I considered the love of my life left me. She left a note and took off with someone else that very same day. I do not feel like I am healing very well at all. The only thought going through my head is I just am not into living anymore. I have joined some groups and made a few acquaintances but I look for her everywhere I go. We were joined at the hip and everywhere I go is another place that reminds me of her. I know I shouldnt look for her online but everytime I see her online my heart skips a beat because that was the way I felt about her. I would have done anything to save us had I known she really was going to leave. I know I could have treated her better at times and wish I had because I never wanted to be without her. I always considered her my second chance in life after a messy divorce before I met her. It tears me up to think I thought of her so special and didnt do all I could. I know she wasnt honest with me but I cant help but think I drove her away to some extent. We didnt fight alot but the stress did come between us during the week. I honestly dont think I will ever find anyone else. Her and I struggled so much and had alot of bad luck and tough times at first but then we had made it to a better place. I thought we were pointed in the right direction. I wish I could be tougher and not care at all like she seemed not to. She started nc the day she left and I didnt know she was even with someone else 'a friend' in her words for 3 weeks. The have a ld relationship it seems now but that doesnt really matter. Because she is gone for good from my life and I am at a place that I never dreamed of being at the beginning of the summer. It took so much struggling for me and her to move accross country and improve our lives I just cant imagine having the strength to ever get into any relationship again. Thanks for the comments I have received from some of you lately it helps. In the end I am still alone without her...she smiled all the time and I considered her to be my sunshine despite the occasional quarrels we would have.
  2. desertnomad
    Try not to beat yourself up to much. I have done the same to myself over the last two months and sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin or hear myself screaming inside my head about how could I have not done this or that differently. But, You cant expect to know 'everything' about everything. If someone loved you they would come back. Its tough not to overanalyze as Dako said. We can always find things that we need to do better but if we waited to be perfect before we did anything nothing would ever get done. Noone has the right to expect perfection from anyone. Thats the toughest thing about being trapped in time...you cant go back.
  3. desertnomad
    Sorry man that really does suck. Someone told me about my situation that how you think about it will determine the quality of your life. And it seems that your trying to think about it in positive ways. Keeping busy is important. I have today off so its very hard. My days off were filled with happy times now I dread them even though I cant work 7 days a week. We just have to remember they are the ones that left us and the person who truly loved us wouldnt have done that. Its better to live in reality than illusion I guess no matter how tough it is. Like you I sure hope the pain goes away soon. The worst part is not being able to tell her how I feel since I considered her the one person in the world I could count on. How wrong I was.
  4. desertnomad
    I agree you deserve much better than that. It boggles the mind it really does after 3.5 years. Mornings are the worst time for me also. I dont know why that is maybe just waking up alone and knowing your on your own. Fortunately for me I have not dreamt about my ex once which is pretty strange because I used to dream about other ex's all the time. I dont know why that is. Take care.
  5. desertnomad
    Thats pretty strange INFJ...I like your signature post also..sounds like its describing my ex
  6. desertnomad
    hahaha thats funny brando
  7. desertnomad
    Well my ex sent me an email saying she really missed the good times and good things we had but she couldnt come back because she already gave so much and had lost so much!? She lost so much because she left and if you gave so much why would you leave in the first place if you invested so much into the relationship?? Yeah she lost everything here all her possessions she left and all of "our money" that she left me to pay the bills. I just never could understand what she meant by that. Maybe she was just blowing smoke... it wasnt all that bad for either of us with plenty of happy days and moments. She too had a daughter who was 11 when we started our 4yr ltr.
  8. desertnomad
    Shamus, thanks for the comments...its been some dark days here lately. Your right I shouldnt have to work so hard just just for someone to stay with me. She always complained about me trusting her but she Never communicated with me at all and on top of that lied. Theres no way trust can grow without communication. That is a big negative I will remember about her. Never sharing and always hiding things. We would have phone conversations where if I didnt talk I swear it would be dead air so I just felt pressed to ask her about stuff just to continue the conversation. I still miss her or at least the thought of her.
  9. desertnomad
    hang in there ... I am doing the same thing obsessively reading these forums to try to understand what happened to my 3.5 year relationship and get some kind of support
  10. desertnomad
    Man that stinks Sorry to hear that
  11. desertnomad
    Yes! You are sooo right. Leaving out information is the same as lying because it has the same purpose to be deceitful. If you feel like you have to hide it then it just means you probably shouldnt be doing it to begin with. My ex not only flat out would lie to me she would never communicate or share things with me. I have my insecurities too but her never sharing anything about her life just drove me crazy. I felt like she was hiding something...which she was in the end. Yeah I do feel stranded. She did stuff for me and we had good times so I do miss her but yeah she was still lying to me. In the beginning of our relationship she lied to me about some online guy 'friend' but then I saw an email from him which he signed 'lover' and she said she had no idea why he would sign it that way. Then I found icq chat messages between them that were pretty sexual that went on the first month we lived together. Even after confronting her about those messages she lied more about their relationship that she didnt know I knew about. I let it go though and forgave her. But she obviously was a compulsive liar when the opportunity arose to lie about something. Your right the burden of wondering if theres something going on is gone. But like you I feel the hurt and have the relapses along with the love I felt for her. It was true genuine love. I would have NEVER cheated on her she was the one I cared about and looked out for. Thankfully there is this forum because like you said I might have thought bad about the opposite sex completely but I see alot of the same stories from both men and women. There are guys that are committed and are trustworthy. Have a great day 8)
  12. desertnomad
    Wow my ex and yours sound very similiar. She just couldnt say 'no' to anyone that showed her any attention even guys that hadnt emailed in over two years. You are right she didnt appreciate me despite all the effort I put into us. She claimed I didnt show her appreciation but it goes both ways. I always felt her distance and judgment of everything about me. My ex spent weeks with this guy at his home in another state after their little roadtrip. Certainly not a normal friendship. Like you I do miss the memories and all the great times and I still miss her sitting here alone in our two bedroom apartment we had for the two of us and her daughter. But,I dont miss all the feelings like something was wrong or the suspicions that she was being dishonest with me about something. Yeah I was suspicous at times but maybe it wasnt suspicion just some kind of gut feeling about her. Your right it was tainted love...she wasnt honest with me. Thanks very much for the comments.
  13. desertnomad
    I agree. Once the words restraining order comes up by anyone in her circle it will put that thought in her mind if you continue to contact her. Noone is worth any legal trouble like that. I did the same thing by sending my ex emails and some instant messages none at all threatening in the least but it got me nowhere except a nasty email from her new 'friend' talking about the same bs. I stopped sending anything right there its not worth the price of any freedom. Its better to have your freedom and start no contact on your own then to be told you have to by some judge.
  14. desertnomad
    Its the coldness from the ex that hurts very much not just the leaving...after spending so much time together. I know that feeling well. Hang in there.
  15. desertnomad
    I honestly just dont know how i am going to make it some of these days. She was my sunshine despite what she did and i was grateful to have her every single day. I told her twice a day I loved her and kissed her even if I didnt do much of the other romantic things I could have done for her lately. The daily grind did come between us some during the week and we were much less than we were capable of being. Funny she never told me she loved me unless it was in response to me...maybe one email or two but hardly ever. We traveled the country together and went places we had dreamed about. It hurts to think I wasnt enough for her... that I couldnt be what she needed or wanted even though she left and betrayed me. I made alot of mistakes but I did some good things too. I know she is not blameless for this but why I didnt do more to make sure we were on solid ground I dont know. Describing the number of things we did and places we went to would take up an 80 gig harddrive. She was special to me and I always saw her as my second chance in life after a tough divorce years before. I cant help but think I blew it.
  16. desertnomad
    Blaming yourself entirely is just going to make you feel worse. The fact is, if someone truly wants to be with you he will, regardless of any arguments or problems that arise. He could just have easily told you that your behavior was upsetting him and that he needed things to change or he would no longer be with you. He didn't do that. Thats the kind of person you want ...someone who will stay with you no matter what regardless of having complaints. My ex never told me she was having serious issues that would break us up. She just kept a smile on her face all the time and never said anything. if I had known I would have been scared to death and got us help and did whatever I could have.
  17. desertnomad
    I sure hope not...been through this before and was finally picking up all the pieces and was happier then she blew us out of the water now have lots of pieces to pick up again
  18. desertnomad
    Well I totally agree with you but still find it hard not to look at her pictures on the site. you just reminded me that I have videos of my ex also and that would just kill me to look at those. I can see how that would set you back many days..I threw out all the gifts she gave me..a few kind of expensive and that actually felt good. There are alot of moments when the only thought that goes through my head is that I would really rather not have to live this life anymore. Not that I am suicidal Im not just that this hell doesnt seem worth it.
  19. desertnomad
    yeah I think she did need her next fix especially since our physcial relationship had turned to ice after 4 years but it could have been rekindled. I totally can see that but she didnt put me on the back burner she tossed me in the garbage pile. She would never take blame for anything so her coming back and accepting blame would have been totally out of character.
  20. desertnomad
    I wish I had the answer to that..I think about her alot of the time and still cant break away from her website but when I was in tears alot before there are not many of those now so maybe thats something positive. I dont know how i will ever stop being in love with her though.
  21. desertnomad
    Dont think anything is wrong with you. I remember a quote I read once.."we crave that which cannot attain and disrespect that which we cannot escape" I guess its just being human and human nature.
  22. desertnomad
    yeah I know exactly what your saying. I think the same things that she must feel as bad as me or think of me but that only makes it worse because then I want to email her and let her know I am there for her and we can work this out. but I already tried that and that didnt work at all... she was really very cold even though I know she wasnt happy. I dont know if you saw that jim carey movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind but when my ex left I thought how great it would be if that movie were true I could just erase the memories of her and go on like nothing had ever happened. Funny me and my ex saw that movie together. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Its like your being ripped apart sometimes
  23. desertnomad
    Those are hard questions to answer. My ex and I had lots of hopes and dreams. We were looking for a house when she left. But she was not totally honest with me. She let outside voices influence her. I left my ex wife years ago because something pulled me away but I regretted it later. Its those constant thoughts that the grass is greener with someone else or on your own and very rarely is it. I learned my lesson but in my case my ex hadnt and I dont believe for one moment she is truly happier right now then she was. Theres a song by don henley with some lyrics that just keep going through my head over and over again when I try to think how something could end so suddenly or someone could throw so much away. I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone She said youd found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside loves open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more?
  24. desertnomad
    I hear ya. Thats really tough. Its those memories that are killers. You think back to those times or see those pictures and its like you just wish in some way you could turn back time and do something to change what you didnt know was about to happen. I had some great memories with my ex just two weeks before our ltr ended and I didnt have a clue we were so close to the end. I think dam how could we make such great memories just so few days before our relationship ended.
  25. desertnomad
    I agree. I contacted my ex for weeks and all I got was sh** about how I was to blame for everything. I sent the most supportive understanding emails about what she may have been going through even had a professional help me with the emails cause I didnt want to screw it up. But all I got from her was anger and how our time had ended and she had no choice but to not come back. I guess I had to take my beating for whatever reason but it would have been better if I had been tougher and just said what the hell shes the one that left me after 4 years with only a note left on the kitchen table and found out later went on a 7 week roadtrip with a guy 'friend' she met online from another state.
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