desertnomad

Sounds like shes trying to blame you again and point the finger at you in any way she can by saying you were ugly about it. I guess it is a good reminder of why you left. Just another red flag huh? Stay strong. Try not to analyze it if you can help it.

That is difficult. LD relationships can be even more work then in person too. Its hard to put so much work and effort into something then end up with seemingly nothing. RayKay is right any kind of relationship can end though. I know you must feel awful right now. My relationship of 4 years that started ld online for several months at first ended recently so I know the feeling of hopelessness and all the plans and dreams disappearing in an instant. Hang in there.

Yeah that is so true ...right back where we left ourselves. Some memories of me being alone back then before I knew her or just when I was talking to her online do actually come up in my brain. it feels strange that after 4 years and so much effort and thousands of miles traveled that all I am left with is the me from those memories alone along with some lessons learned. Not even a friendship with her which I know in most cases is not possible. I hope the next time around is better and lasts til the end.

Well 4 years ago I was still getting over a divorce and this relationship kind of just fell into my lap. I wasnt looking for it. I thought she was my second chance. . Yeah she hurt me bad. I thought we were going in the right direction finally after some tough times. I try not to beat myself up to much and take the advice I find in the forums. I know I am never going to get forgiveness from her she could never forgive. I had told her that we could go for ten years perfectly without a fight and then one fight and that would be it she would come down on me like a ton of bricks or try to end the relationship. She never had anything to say to that. She never shouted but I had never met someone so cold as her when having an argument or so unwilling to forgive. Some of our fights got to borderline ridiculous and I wanted to start laughing because I realized that we were being stupid. But she wasnt the same. I hope there is someone right around the corner. Never thought to be in this position in my late thirties. But your right we have to focus on what we are doing not what happened in the past. Thanks LS

It definetly is very very hard though. She had alot of hurt inside of her and I am afraid over the 4 years I added some to that with the stupid things we can say in a relationship during fights. She did give out as good as she got but I am not justifying my stuff. I am not responsible for all her problems and hurt either. Just like she isnt for mine. She cant use her hurt to justify cheating and lying on me.

yep just like a bad movie and yeah It ends up with me being very confused..guess its partly my brain that doesnt want to accept reality and partly just her craziness in how she went about things in the end. I was worried about upsetting her and walking on egg shells but then she would say the same thing about her with me. Its hard to make someone happy when they never express themselves though. Me and my ex both had our issues thats for sure and I know I had hurt her some with things I said a year or two before but I would not have left her like she left me. there was more good than bad by far. Thanks for the support

Another day another struggle. Miss her alot today. We really did get along so much of the time. The drama was limited to the occasional argument but then of course it always had the potential to turn into armageddon. I was always afraid of her drama and her walking away if we had an argument about her lying about some internet chat or something. But that was rare to fight. I miss her alot even though I doubt she ever even thinks about me except to curse the day she met me. I dont know why I did so much for her and we had so much of a future here. if it wasnt for finding someone else to tell her bad side what it wanted to hear she would still be with me today. I am sure of that.I know I crowded her occasionally and sometimes tried to live vicariously through her if she did something fun and my day stunk. Those were issues of mine. I really just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her in our off times because it was just fun compared to the stress of work and school. She never complained. Wow I thought we were special especially after all the struggles we went through.

I can relate to you jman. My ex of four years told me a day and half before she left that she wanted me to meet her family in July (just a few weeks later) that was right before she left with her internet 'friend' that flew in to meet her. She was emotionally unavailable to. I guess she didnt want a real relationship either. Yeah she made me dinner and ironed my wrinkled shirts for which I was appreciative and said thank you but thats not what I care about in a relationship. I need an honest emotionally available loyal person to be with.Why do some women think thats all a guy cares about having dinner made? I never asked for that once. Thanks for the great post RD

Some times I feel like I dont want 'good' things for her some times I just felt sorry for her. I loved her so much I dont want bad things to happen to her but its hard some times to wish her well and be honest about it

Excellant post. I hope I get there sometime soon. Just bought a nice digital myself so...maybe Finland is next

I agree LoneSoul. I am worth more too then being kicked to the curb after 4 years just like that. And the strange thing is just two days before she told me she wanted us to go up to meet her family in July (i had never meant them ) because in her words 'your gonna have to meet them sometime' I said fine we will find some time. Then she left with another guy on a roadtrip. I dont understand that. the night before she said she wanted us to be a stronger family. I said ok then lets work on communicating better. We didnt have any big fights just a few issues that popped up. Maybe I didnt know her at all either. She kept claiming in her post breakup emails that 'I never knew her' and was shouting it. I almost found it slightly funny because I knew her well. Just not the side that could do this to me I guess. But your right they are gone and theres nothing we can do about that. I will miss her. The last thing I said to her in person was miss you alot today she said she would miss me to. thats hard to take

I tried so many anti depressants after my divorce a few years back but I didnt like how they made me feel. It was circumstances that were making me sad not so much chemistry. So they didnt really help me although I know they help some people. I think I was healthier than her. I had alot more to offer on an emotional level than she did. I reminded her of all the good things we had here in an email after she left. She told me she remembered all those things but she also remembered the hurt and pain. Well the greatest hurt and pain was caused by her and it wasnt bad here at all. What relationship is there that there isnt some hurt or stress or pain?

And whats really on my mind and I know I am projecting out is the holidays coming up in a few months. I keep telling myself that anything can happen but in my past experience it just didnt. Hope things get better for you soon TBD

I hope so fisch. I dont know how people can be so coldhearted toward others. We all make mistakes and say things we dont mean in relationships. We get hurt and in turn tend to hurt the other person. Its not right I know but it happens and I can see that I have done better with not saying things I regret. But to up and leave after 4 years without notice is a hard thing to take for anyone

Yeah it hurts real deep because I was genuinely committed to her and loyal. She had valid complaints but never gave us a chance to be even better. I would have crawled through a burning building for us and her if it meant being better. What hurt is all the mean things she said to me and about me to other people. Things I know not to be true such as I couldnt 'see past my own eyelashes' and just blamed her for everything but she was the one doing that not me. I lost 35 pounds in 4 weeks but the apetite is back some days. I know sending the ex anything is out of the question I sent enough stuff to try and get her back which of course almost never works. I just thought we were different and she ran of scared cause she has alot of fears. I didnt know she had left with someone else. I think one day if I get over this i will feel sorry for her. She left so much behind including me. I know I was 'true blue' loyal despite my mistakes doesnt that mean anything? thanks

I know in the long run maybe just maybe I will be better off. There were things about her that just werent right for a healthy relationship and she wasnt ready to accept any responsibility or do whatever it took as far as her issues were concerned to be a better person. I know though that I did accept her for who she was even though I knew we needed a healthier stronger relationship.

I still cant get over this crippling pain that I feel everyday. Its been 2 months and I take one step at a time but the pain is still there. I miss my ex very much. I know I loved her and was totally devoted to her. I know she was happy here with me at least sometimes but let other things come in the way. I can still see her smiling face in my mind all the time. And its in stark contrast to a few of the pictures I have seen of her since. It looks like she lost that bright smiling happy go lucky look I knew her to have at least during our free times together. I don’t see that same smiling face. I put my all into us for 4 years despite making my mistakes and I ended up with nothing. I leaned on her financially, emotionally, and socially like I thought she leaned on me. Now all that is gone. The arms that once held her every day are empty and I have not had a hug since she left. I keep thinking what is wrong with me that I could let something get away from me. Or what is wrong with me that I cant get over her. Four years down the drain and nothing to show for it but loneliness in the end. I know it takes time I am just venting. In my experience though time never seemed to heal completely. Not until I found someone else. And finding her I thought was a miracle. There were so many strange things that happened to bring us together. I want to just send her an email but I know I cant and I wont. We drove the same route to work each morning and I still miss her smiles as she waved goodbye to me from her car when I got off at my exit. I am still driving the same route. She is thousands of miles away. She is long gone.

Thanks for that great post Orlander. I am sure i will read that for a long time to come along with the other people on here.

yeah thats the thing if we could have talked I know she wouldnt have left...she was not being rational and she was stressed from alot of other things like work that week... but then again like someone else said on here you shouldnt have to work so hard just to get someone to stay with you. She might have left anyways later on. I will never understand it. I think I could have accepted her back but knowing she left with someone else down the road trust would have been shot completely. I would have had to be superhuman and I am not sure any amount of counseling would have helped...maybe

I am trying not to do the same... put all the blame on myself. Its tough though because all my faults stick out like sore thumbs. Its amazing how hard it is to remember all the good things I did for us and her but the bad things are so easy. Noone deserves to be left like that for another especially after so many years together. In my case all I got was a stinking note and no chance to talk things over to see if the relationship of 4 years could be saved.

If you go out and scream can you throw an extra scream in there for me also? I can relate to you. I know it feels awful. All I had was my ex and her daughter for four years and then she took off. I dont have any family or friends within 2000 miles of me. But I am trying to make a few. I think I will have to climb to one of these mountain tops myself and do some screaming one of these days. It sounds like a good idea. Honestly, though you have two of the best friends you could ever ask for right there...your dog and cat. I have lost a wife and many a gf but the worst thing I ever lost was my dog to a divorce. Forget the ex's the pets are the most valuable, loyal, honest beings you will ever find even if you do find a decent person to stay with someday. I feel the dread of the holidays too but they are over three months away and anything can happen in that time or so I keep telling myself. Hang in there.

I think women find it easier in some ways because its easier for women to get dates or attract the opposite sex than it is for most guys. It makes moving on easier.

Hmm sounds familiar. My ex who I was really close with said she missed the good times and all the good things we had. But the good didnt outweigh the bad. But from my point of view things really werent all that bad. There was some bad times and issues but they certainly didnt outweigh the good. Maybe its just how you look at it. It seems like one bad thing can cancel out a whole lot of good things because the bad things cause alot more stress or confusion. If it really is bad then its time to get out but maybe if there are just bad things along with the good then some perspective might help out. Unfortunately my ex didnt allow that to happen and all the good and great times went down the drain with the bad things. Would this be considered the proverbial "throwing the baby out with the bath water"? In my case I believed so anyways.

thanks everyone for your posts...it is true what you do speaks so loudly I cant hear what you say. the ex didnt just choose to end things or get some 'space' and go back to family after 4 years together but she left with someone she had been speaking to for months behind me. That is the one thing I will remember. Its true she revealed herself to be a dishonest person..that is no way to leave. I had alot of hopes for us because we had some of the best of times and its true I am missing so much but maybe it was just all in my mind.

thanks..I am trying to pull away from the website..its hard because she spent hours every night here on it and I contributed some to it also. I just have to come to grips with the fact that no matter what I was lacking she wasnt a trustworthy person and I didnt deserve what she did. The day she left isnt the day she left me...she left me months before when she started talking to someone else. He had even given her a pet name months before that was kind of a take off on what I called her which was really demeaning to me. The night before she left she said she wanted us to be a stronger family...I just cant understand that. I think at this point the hardest thing is that I will never see her again or probably even speak to her after she was my future. Will try to do as blender says ...look to a new future and a better fate.