Jump to content

desertnomad

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    651

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by desertnomad

  1. desertnomad
    I hear you. Its funny sundays are the absoulute worst for me to. I am sure because of all the good times we had on the weekend. Fortunately my boss gave me OT so I am working today. This morning when I woke up I felt the old familiar pain and knew that some crocodile tears werent far away. I took only a two minute shower. I forced myself into having some energy to rush through it otherwise I knew I would get upset all over again. I never thought of myself as a weak person and I am not but the people I have been with I have always loved deeply and cared deeply about despite all my shortcomings. Theres nothing wrong with you. You just feel things on a deep level and cared alot. It is the hardest thing to accept that the past is over. I struggle with that every moment of the day. What I had made me happy and I never wanted to lose it and never thought I would. I would say if you need to cry then cry. But also take care of yourself. Eat good and try to focus on other things to. The pain will be there still (I know) but for a few short moments it wont be glaring you in the face. On the strange side me and my ex went out looking for a house that week and actually pulled our credit reports to check to see where we stood. She also told me the morning of the day she left she loved me and would miss me during the day the same as I told her. She emailed me that day that she loved me...always had and always would. But dishonest hearts tell lots of lies.
  2. desertnomad
    Jue, I can relate to those feelings like they are my best friends now. They have taken over the good feelings I had before my ex of almost 4 years left without notice over two months ago. She left me and that day went on a road trip with a guy who she met online from another state. So yeah she cheated but I still miss her. that seems strange to me to. Not two minutes have gone by where I havent thought about her. She has been all over the country and my life has been exactly the same as it was before she left just without her. Like you said its all a blur. Your right loneliness is a killer , coming home alone each day to a messy house now that I loved when she was here but dont love anymore. She would be home already from work making dinner for us and I would give her a hug and tell her I love her. There are no hugs anymore. Maybe time will deaden the pain but I dont think this kind of thing will ever leave us, not that we cant be happy again. We just have to find a way to push it to the side instead of having it stare us in the face every moment and move forward albeit with a much heavier load to bear.
  3. desertnomad
    In my case all I can think is that I really wasnt her best friend. She could never forgive me for things said a few years back or that was her claim though she dished out as good as she got. You can never tell whats going on in another persons mind though. We all hope they are as committed and loving and as capable of loving us as we are them. But in our cases that turned out not to be so true. I know it doesnt make any sense. My ex is now back alone in another state with only family around , a place she never wanted to go back to. I was there for her everyday and told her how much I loved her, helped greatly in paying the bills and came up with great fun things for us to do all the time. Some people just cant see the big picture and only focus on the small things or the things that are wrong. It may be all about maturity. when I was younger I made the same mistake because I didnt know better. But believe me now I know. If you have someone who is honest and loyal and fun who genuinely cares about you and supports you (despite causing you some stress some days) you stick with them. I dont know how people can turn off their emotions so quickly. People who do that are very conflicted and really dont know who they are or what they want. My ex obvious had two distinct sides to her that were always battling each other. I know my ex had problems with her folks and she left them to move to another state years ago. She was glad she left on the one hand but always guilty on the other. I could tell. And those feelings cause a very strong pull.
  4. desertnomad
    Your at the sad then angry then sad again stage. 8) No I still feel the same way after almost 3 months and I hope thats not bad. I think there are layers of recovery after being dumped or a breakup. I feel that deep down inside I am just starting to come to a realization that she (who I thought was my one real friend in life who had my back) is not coming back ever. I feel like I am missing her at that deep level. I really never wanted her to leave it wasnt so bad between us and was getting better. Hang in there Floogle
  5. desertnomad
    Personally I wont take antidepressants anymore. I know they are good for a few people but in my case it was the circumstances that was the cause. I did find that one helped me to level off a bit during my toughest times but I didnt like the side effects such as eating alot or the withdrawl symptons were pretty awful (effexor was the worst in my case). They dont solve the problems of life either which is what we are really looking for anyways...answers. But I know they help some people so its just an individual thing. But if they dont seem to help much or at all after the first couple of months theres no point in continuing to take them. If they do help...then great.
  6. desertnomad
    turn it around on her,put her on nc. what does she think she can just put you on NC and take you off and put you back on whenever she wants? your not a yoyo.show her you can do just fine without her (even if it doesnt seem that way right now). maybe she will have a change of heart and if she does you will know it but if not you will still be better off not being yanked around like that. is there a way to block txt messages somehow?
  7. desertnomad
    I like your honesty Rainz. It is to easy for people to just say things that they dont mean. Then one day they disappear and your still stuck in your head with all the things they say to you wondering 'was it something I said'? For me I told my ex I loved her and would miss her alot during the workday before we left in the morning and she said the same thing. A few hours later she was gone. I could never tell someone deep things right before I planned on leaving them or before I meant them in a relationship. I cant be cruel like that.
  8. desertnomad
    Personally I wouldnt read to much into it floogle. Like my ex calling me asking for credit card info and other financial stuff when she could have easily emailed or got it on her own. I read into it that she was maybe using it as a reason to talk because things werent going so good for her. But it wasnt. As soon as I talked about the relationship it ended up being the same old thing...all my fault. Some people when they break up with you still feel entitled to have you help them in whatever way they see fit. It really is callous. Not saying this is what is happening in your case but it did in mine. I wouldnt read to much into it honestly. Lifes to short for games.
  9. desertnomad
    Well another post for the move on train after several days off. Been doing alot of hiking and photography past few days which has been good. But missing her to death right now and every day the holidays approach I feel lonelier and lonelier. From what I gather she thinks of me as the devil and like she was a prisoner and I was her captor. I dont know how she could think that. We did so many things and had so much fun. Nothing we did wasnt first run accross her for her approval and input. She just never seemed to care about the details all that much. There was a few times that I grumbled about not being able to do something with her that she was doing with other people. Not out of mistrust just that I like to be in on all the fun (it was my issue I know that). Those are the only main things I can see that was wrong with our relationship. That and the lack of communication along with her obvious need to talk to other men online and make some kind of connections with them seemed to be the other problems. I would sometimes press her to share things because she never did. If we had a phone conversation I told her it would just be dead air if I didnt try to carry on the conversation which I did by asking her stuff about her day. Just venting because I am finding it really hard to move on. I know I loved her to death and I invested so much into her and us and our future. Yeah there were issues but not enough for her to do what she did not from my point of view anyways. Any comments or insight would be appreciated. I am always trying to learn without trying to overanalyze. Guess I am just trying to make sense of things somehow so I dont go crazy.
  10. desertnomad
    Goodyear is in the same general area not to much difference. Im not sure about the singles scene yet really cuz Ive only been single for 2 months but there are alot of clubs around and Ive been to a few that seem pretty good.
  11. desertnomad
    Glendale is nice. Its blazing hot in the summer of course but the rest of the year is great. Lots to see and do around here. Its gotten pretty crowded but thats everywhere you go. Az is a great place for a fresh start in my opinion.
  12. desertnomad
    Just gonna edit this thread out not sure I made any sense.
  13. desertnomad
    I think the hardest thing of all is accepting a future without her. I could accept a break up for a time or needing some space but its the endless dark tunnel that the future seems to be at this moment ...alone without her. I know there may be a chance with someone else or many chances but right now its all I can see-that destoyed future with her. Thats the hardest thing to accept...losing the hopes of a lifetime, at least the hopes of me and her. I dont think I will ever understand this breakup. It was craziness. But I am moving on slowly because I have no choice. I can only control some things and have to accept the past as it is even though I dont like it.
  14. desertnomad
    I hear you. I want something 'normal' again to. Never liked the single life and never expected to have to go through it again. It was so far from my mind. I was focused on paying bills and buying a house and taking trips. I knew we had issues but didnt think they were so bad that she was flirting with leaving for months. But then it wasnt all she was flirting with. I feel the same. I took my ex to places she never even heard of and she had alot of fun and good times. Along with all the other positive things I thought it was more than enough to make up for the shortcomings. But if there is a next person they will get even better if not like you say all of me.
  15. desertnomad
    No your not to blame. How could you know it was gonna end badly? No more than I could have or anyone. These were people we loved and cared about and just cause something isnt easy or perfect doesnt mean you shouldnt stay committed. But maybe there were warning signs early on and maybe now we will be more experienced so that we wont ignore those warning signs and get so deeply involved in the relationship in the first place. I know in my relationship early on there was a few signs that troubled me that maybe her and me for that matter werent healthy enough to be in a relationship. I guess thats ok if your young and want experience but not for me anymore. I want to get into something that at least appears from the start to be healthy and me and the person I am with are healthier also. I still miss her alot after two months and if she called and started to sound real and honest and more mature instead of blaming me for everything then maybe there would be a chance albeit a long distance chance right now. But thats a pipe dream. Some hours are better than others but the mornings are still hell and the days off are to. My ex was my world outside of work and we had so much fun. I just try to remember how she betrayed me or treated me like I was not worth having around after she left.
  16. desertnomad
    I hear you floogle. I wasted 6.5 years in a marriage and 3.5 now with a relationship that ended this summer. I am 38. didnt expect to not have a family at this point in my life. Only people still around are family but far away from me. I truly loved my ex also much more than she loved me thats very obvious to me now. take care
  17. desertnomad
    I got the 'I dont see a future' and she cheated on me. Didnt help she cheated felt just as bad. 4 years is long time to all of the sudden not see a future. but I guess in my case she was looking at another future.
  18. desertnomad
    Your right when I am feeling 'better' (though not like I did when she was here and we were happy) I am glad I didnt contact her. I mean she hasnt contacted me. Why is it all up to me? But then those were the dynamics of our relationship. It was up to me to communicate everything and she never did express herself. It hurts though that she wont ever call. It takes so long to build a life and we worked so hard. Now its all back at square one. all that for wasted love and wasted time. I would have rather met someone else or noone at all considering how she left.
  19. desertnomad
    I understand what your going through. Going through the same thing myself this week. Feeling lonely, depressed, etc. Been so tempted to email my ex just to 'connect'. but what would that do? Would she all of the sudden realize how much she misses me? Would she come running back? Would this email be magic compared to all the other emails before NC? I have to remember all her s**t that she did to me by leaving. I sound like a victim but in this case at the end I was and was totally betrayed by someone who I thought was the one person in life I could count on. the trick is to not act like a victim I guess and thats the hard part. All my one year memories of her and us in our 'new' place are coming up and its very difficult. The fog is thick and the future that once seemed bright still seems so very dark. Just hang in there. One day at a time. There are alot people going through even worse then us though I know it doesnt lessen the pain. I loved my ex very much and I knew that every day and didnt take it for granted although there was times I could have done better but but then so could she have. I wish she would come back but she never will and thats the reality thats hard to accept.
  20. desertnomad
    I agree with you chatty it does hurt when they want money just so they can live it up with the person that they left you for. For me the ex spent over 3 thousand dollars on credit the next 3 weeks so she could live it up with her new "friend" but when reality hit and the bills were due she wanted some of the money she left me. It did add insult to injury.
  21. desertnomad
    I second the motion! But then my ex did lose everything including thousands of dollars she left for me to pay the bills. She tried to get me to send it to her later but yeah right...you cheat you lose thats what I told her. Your right its just way to easy for people to cheat and just pickup and move on just because everything isnt 'perfect'. Hang in there.
  22. desertnomad
    This is a great poem. I can really relate. I used to make my ex waffles every week and there are the same type of memories and her all smiles sitting on the couch or at the computer. She left me despite all the trips we had taken and all the plans we had made. She just turned her back on us. Me and her are strangers we no longer talk and I feel that stabbing sensation also. It is still hard for me picturing the future without her. Good things only come to an end when one person cant see past the end of their own nose.Thanks for sharing.
  23. desertnomad
    I know how your feeling RM. Its hard when you cant have back what you miss so much. Sometimes I try to remember what was reality and what wasnt. My mind wants to remember all the good times we had and when negatives come up I want to blame myself for those instead of realizing she did some horrible things. Like the way she treated me at the end and when she broke up with me. Posting mostly naked pics of the guy she left me for on the internet etc..where she knew I would see them seemingly unfeeling about any of my feelings. For me after I went through a divorce the struggle did not end until I had met my ex. So maybe for some that is whats it takes to completely heal. But I know you cant start any relationship completely depressed and hurting. Theres a great post by rankandfile that i read often that was posted on 9-01 it has helped me alot just by reading it. might want to check it out just search for the name.
  24. desertnomad
    Somedays I just question whether I am even lovable. I mean I was with the ex for 4 years and we did have some rough times the first few years but great times also. But then we moved accross country and things did improve though not perfect. I mean am I so bad that she just had to leave like she did? Are my shortcomings so severe that she or anyone else for that matter just couldnt live with me . I guess I am really questioning myself because I thought we had something special.
  25. desertnomad
    Hi Eric, Welcome to ENA. Wow your going through a really difficult time right now. Hang in there. There are alot of people on here who can relate. (me included). There are people on here that can support you alot and it has helped me out quite a bit. Going to support groups at church can also help out and keep you connected. Dont blame yourself she is the one making the wrong choices. Sounds like you are doing the right things by keeping yourself under control and keeping your dignity. Keep posting here there are very knowledgeable people who can give you alot of good advice for your situation. Hang in there.
×
×
  • Create New...