blemished

I am DEFINITELY taking it slow, but the new guy pressured me for exclusivity which is when I started to feel uncomfortable. And I am definitely not sleeping with him. I don't think I want to do that for a long, long time.

Ok. I've thought about this for a while and feel maybe it would be helpful to share this story with other ENA's in case you guys have any advice on how to properly get back on track after dating what I think is a specific personality of a BAD man to date. Have you ever dated a man like this, and if so, how did you recover so that you did not lose your ability to trust? A few months ago, I met a man who at first I thought was the man I had been waiting for a long time. He was very smart, a great conversationalist, tall and gorgeous, seemed to be remarkably sane from a good family, cultured (had lived in 4 countries for a substancial amount of time), charming, sweet and even a bit shy. He seemed to really be taken by me, too, and he called me every night and emailed me every day. At first this was much for me, but we seemed to connect so well, we talked for long amounts of time on everything. The holidays were approaching, so we both had the extra time to get to know one another. We had met online, and I noticed he had deleted his profile right away after meeting me, so I deleted mine as well. I certainly had no interest in seeing anyone else. He made me believe I could fall in love with him. I was really, truly blissful. I had not been this excited about someone in EIGHT years. He talked about coming down to meet my family, and seemed completely smitten as well, calling me all sorts of endearments and again, calling me every single night of the week. I thought it was all too good to be true, but I felt relaxed and so thrilled to have met him. He seemed very shy, and inexperienced despite his age (26), and after a while I noticed how he was sort of self-absorbed and would liken a lot of things to himself...including me. He also talked about his father incessantly, as if he wanted to BE his dad. I later learned he did the same exact type of work as his dad. We spent a weekend together and the next morning (a Monday), he seemed weird when we said goodbye. I didn't think much of it, but he brought it up in conversation later that day, apologizing and saying he was in a weird mood because he was late to work and his boss had called him to yell at him for it. I thought nothing of it and was not concerned. I did not hear from him for a couple of days, and I started to get a really bad feeling, especially since we had just slept together for the first time. I called him one night during that week and he was getting into bed, with no intention to call me (when he used to frequently). I asked him if he was having second thoughts about us. He said no, not at all. I said ok and that was that. But then he did not call again that week. He sent me a short email saying he was sick and busy at work and would call me from the airport, because he was heading home to visit his family for the holidays (2000 miles away). By then, I was rather annoyed so I didn't bother replying to tell him I wouldn't even be home, because I was visiting MY family 300 miles north. But then I was going through old emails and I found one of his. It had a link in it to his old profile on the dating site we had met on. For some reason, I clicked on it. I was shocked to find out that his profile was back up! Not only that, but it revealed that he had been actively using it within the last day (you know, while busy at work and sick). I was shocked, so I called him. I asked him if he was on there to date other people, because if he was, then he should have told me about it. I said I didn't care if he dated other people, but don't lie to me and say you are not. He denied using it, I don't think he knew what to say. I then mentioned I was leaving town for a few days. He said he had to go and to call him back that night. I did call him that night, got his voicemail, and left a number where he could reach me at my family's over the holidays. Of course he did not call. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in tears. I thought we had a budding relationship. I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I thought he was sane, reliable and honest, and that he liked me. I'm not a stupid person. He seemed to have gone to too much trouble simply to sleep with me. This was something else. I didn't know what, but I was confused and very hurt. I felt I had let myself down by not judging him better. But there was no way for me to have seen this coming. When I got back to my home, I saw that he had called and emailed me. I called him back. I questioned him on what happened and he said 2 things. One is that he had talked to his dad (see previous part about that) and apparently, for some reason, his dad had talked him into moving accross the country back to their hometown and working with his dad or something like that. I thought that was weird since he had originally stated he left his hometown 6 months ago to pursue "something deeper" ie grow up and move on. But now he was moving back because his dad told him to quit his job at his current location? #2 was that he said, he could not explain why, but that pieces of conversation were falling into place for him, and I seemed "cynical". I almost laughed aloud when I heard that. I said I had no idea you had a problem with me. So he goes, "Surprise" with a ringlike tilt in his voice. He actually said "Surprise"! Surprise, I sleep with you, tell you I am falling for you, court you every night for the past month, make you my girlfriend, and then leave you out in the cold for the holidays. Surprise! Surprise, indeed. I choked as I was hearing this-- I didn't know to laugh or to cry. I had already cried my heart out over Christmas, so I had no tears left. Then he goes, well I might be moving but I still want to date you. * * *? I was angry by then but I was still in shock, so I just got off the phone politely. I didn't talk to him after that, and then it was New Years. He called me on New Years, from his taxi, on his way back from the airport, back from his demigod father's. I asked him why he was calling. I had written him a terse email ending things officially, but he had not read it (or so he claimed, but now I wonder). He wanted me to hang out with him that day! I was like, ummmm, no. 1 week later, I was leaving for a long trip out of the country. I was leaving from an airport in his city, not in mine (we lived about 1 1/2 hour away). I stupidly agreed to stay at his place for reasons beyond the scope of this post. He wanted to make out, of course. I guess by then I was still so upset about it that I figured it was my last goodbye. I didn't regret it (I regretted everything before it, so it didn't matter). After that, he emailed me once or twice, I answered half-heartedly, and then after a lapse in conversation, I just said he was not a stable person and I wasn't interested in dating him at all. He never wrote back. Now he is back on the dating site, but stated as living 2,000 miles away. I only noticed because I went back on the dating site, determined to date again and get past that awful experience. Of course I was very hurt and spent a lot of time feeling angry and remorseful. I realized this person is a Narcissist to the 9th degree, and it is most likely that the whole thing was an effort to boost his ego at my expense. Which makes me feel ashamed and stupid, for letting it happen. But when you are falling in love, do you ever stop to think the person you think you love is a total liar who is just out to make you love him because he lacks the security to feel good about himself unless he is using someone else? Really? The thought didn't occur to me, either. So, here's the real problem. I came back from my trip and started to date again, thinking I would ease into the dating field, have some fun, meet people but not get into anything too serious. I knew I had residual anger about this other person, but I figured it would go away as time passed. Then I met someone I actually liked. I thought, cool, we can have fun together, he seemed pretty laid back. But 2 weeks into dating me, he started to pressure me into going exclusive, and seemed to REALLY like me (seemed-- I can't tell if someone likes me now so I am confused on that). Then he mentioned he is leaving accross the country in a few months. What does this start to feel like to me? I completely flipped on him via email, reamed him out for wanting to be exclusive when he is leaving (he mocked me for not living life when I said no), and then put him in the role of the other guy, making it seem like he is just out to use me for his own benefit. Of course he does not take to that kindly, and I now feel absolutely mortified at how I have reacted to this. Obviously, I am scarred from the man before him, and I am trying to backpaddle as quickly as I can and not flip on someone who did not deserve it. He (the new guy) apologized for the misunderstanding between us, and seems to actually be a good guy-- I would like to at least get a friendship out of it. In the meantime, how do I redevelop the ability to TRUST again?

Run. Run as fast and as far as you can. Don't look back. And then find someone better.

Somehow I can remember the first time kissing any of the men I've dated and liked, but I can't remember first kissing the ones I didn't! (How's that for selective memory?) Anyway, the last first kiss I had came about in the opposite manner of a question! He went to give me a hug but somehow it was a frenchy kiss instead. I think it was unplanned but I have no idea. It was not awkward, it turned hot, and thankfully he had to catch his ride momentarily. I was not offended, but I do think it depends on the person-- because all other first kisses in recent memory WERE awkward, asked or not. Which now makes me wonder, how much information does a first kiss yield about future compatibility?

Frisco you said it, as usual!

Who cares if he is turned off? Get some more dignity, girl! Find some guy who will treat you right and never make you wonder about his level of interest in the first place! Life is too short to date users!!! Good luck.

I agree with Rick here...it's not that Jessica has interests different to his TASTES, or that those interests are possibly more explicit than his. It is that she hides her sexual interests from her sexual interest. That's a problem, as well as a potential incompatibility! I, too, would be concerned if I were Rick! And BTW, using her laptop I think is perfectly understandable, provided your relationship is a serious one. Scouring it for personal information is not, but Rick made it clear he happened accross this by accident.

I'm sorry, I did not read this whole thread (just the first 1 1/2 pgs, up until where Michael starts to get on the defensive about his very complaints). But, my reaction was thus: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? I thought this was a joke post. I am sorry, but it made me laugh. Now, I know, that's really not nice. But maybe it's a wake-up call?

This thread has been kind of funny. Yes, Teddy, I have had the guys overreacting about a joke or comment, too! It makes me wonder what kind of girl these guys look for, one with no opinions, and who will laugh at their jokes but offer none of her own? Is it an ego thing? As far as this goes: So, wait, more men are looking for dates than women? Given the almost equal male/female population, why is this so? (Or is it?) For the record, quantity does not equal quality. On 3 months of Match usage, I have talked to many, many guys but only met 4. And guess what? I am still looking to meet someone else.

I agree with melrich. I would keep it to yourself, put it away and forget about it. Reread it in a year or so and see if you feel the same way then. You will probably laugh about it, and be happy you didn't send it.

I don't get picky. You can't judge a person from a preconception you have. I try to go on as many dates with as many people as I can. It's a learning experience. Once a week would prob be tops due to my schedule, however.

Batya - yowsa, what horror stories! What questions do you recommend for discerning safety and such?

Here is a female perspective: You guys are wrong. There is a difference between being a confident, un-needy guy and being a smooth-talking, emotionally impervious player. I have dated both, and also I have dated the infamous clingy/needy types as well. Myself, and every girl I have ever spoken to, MUCH prefers confident, non-needy but NICE men (not nice as in needy men, but men who are not players). You see, a player is not someone who is honestly interested in a woman for who she is, and women quickly realize that. While you may get some physical action out of following Don Juan tips, you will get nothing lasting, and women will resent you (and smart women will avoid you the instant they realize what you're up to). It is empty and ultimately pretty self-defeating. You can go on believing otherwise, but as a woman, who knows many other women, I know how it is.

I disagree about the ball being in her court. Who cares? You want to know if she is still interested in seeing you? Ask her. Life is too short for games. I would email her a polite, to-the-point message, something like: "Hi (name), I have not heard from you in a little while. I am wondering if you are interested in seeing me further. It would be helpful to know so that I can plan accordingly in my dating life. It was nice meeting you nonetheless and I hope to hear back from you about this. Kind regards, -me"

Hmmm, FW you are just going through a little dip phase here. It is just reality bearing down on you now that your fling has ended and you're really, well, broken up from your ex. No worries, things will get better for you, and one day, you will look back and laugh at all this! My story? Ok, well my 2.5+ yr relationship withered and finally died last Spring (7, 8 months ago?). There was LC at first, but the end was a while in coming and mostly I felt disgusted with my ex and wanted to move on. After being with the wrong person for a while, being single was liberating! Once I got over the heartbroken and being betrayed aspects (and they were there; it was not easy for the first few months), I started dating again. I have no intentions of another serious relationship right now, and I am enjoying being single and free. I do NOT envy my friends who are in serious relationships/married. In fact, I kind of feel sad for them. That is just where I am in life. Oh, and the ex? We don't talk anymore, which is how I want it because he disrespected me. It is not how he wants it-- but I wasted enough time on him. I have no regrets about it ending, and I am happier now than I have been in years! So, Cheers to being Single!!!