Jane0815

Listen, Annie, a doctor will probably break it to the OP that s/he is turning into a reptile and the process is irreversible. We were trying to shelter the OP's self-image a bit longer. Yeah, a doctor is the safest bet. But my skin doctor doesn't know either, in most cases, just writes super-$$$ scripts and says to come back in a month. I had a skin fungus once on my neck and the doctors didn't help at ALL, they kept telling me to put hydrocortisone on it, which only made it worse. It took a =date= who said "oh I had that rash once" and went home to pick up the rx-cream for me to try, to figure out what it was.

Don't weigh at all. Numbers just confuse things. Find activities you like, and ease into doing them regularly. And expect your thighs to get toned, but don't be surprised if they seem even bigger as your whole body gets more muscular. Look at ways to make them one of your best assets - show them off. A friend of mine is in super shape and has a =huge= posterior. She learned to love it and really makes it work for her. She's hot, and I've never once heard a guy say "but she has such a big tush!" My mom thinks she has proportionately big thighs, but she's lean and curvy and looks great.

Omigod. Panic attacks about work stuff. Stupid low-blood sugar, or whatever it is, out of control too. Have been eating good stuff all day, but apparently not substantial enough b/c the hunger only gets dulled a bit then comes back raging and I'm shaky and nervous. Not calling him. Thinking way too much about the shrink thing, I don't know how a counselor could help. If only b/c most are on their power trips and don't observe their own reactions to X and me. They give us the same bs that we've gotten from his social group / family, and if a shrink can't get beyond her or his own stereotypes and issues, they're no use to me. Cr!p. Now I have to go out for food and I'm so behind. This can't go on. Finally got an appointment to start a round of phone-ADD-coaching, tomorrow evening. NEED to reach out and accept the help that's there: back doctor, neurologist, footcare-chick (already paid), cleaning girl.

One, you want to be sure it's not some kind of fungus. But you say it doesn't itch, so go with the dryness hypothesis. (If moisturizer makes it itch, go back to the fungus hypothesis.) Even if it's dryness, throwing cream on won't be a quick fix. Are you taking a multi-vitamin? Be sure you're getting enough minerals and B-vitamins, b/c no cream can do much for a skin issue caused by nutritional deficiency. How old are you? m, f? In any case, a basic skin-care program would look something like: - cleansing: quit the soap and get a cleansing cream or something gentle - peeling: a scrub cream or a glove, gently, once or twice a week - clarifying water (or whatever it's called) get's the rest of the cleansing or peeling gunk off and soothes - moisturizer (finally!): something non-allergenic, no fragrance etc. from the pharmacy. if you want to get more complicated, one with sunscreen for day use and a heavier one for night. - special rich soothing cream for use problem areas during the day. I get one in tiny tubes from the pharmacy (active ingr. dexpanthenol) when my lips get cracked (when I've neglected vitamins) Oh, yeah - regular lotion (body lotion) might irritate your skin. If you can afford it and the dates are that important to you, try to find a reasonable cosmetician for a basic facial. Most have a low-budget option, and they give good advice. Just don't buy their line of skin-care prods, way too money.

FIRST off, you are YOU and you're beautiful. A few months ago I was at the swim club, kind of annoyed b/c some school had swapped in training and was filling up lanes normally free. Between sets, I overheard the school swim trainer (who'd gotten my attention b/c he had my alma mater's name blazoned on the lycra covering his buttocks) correcting a kid who'd just compared two other swimmers. "In swimming, it isn't about the other guy. You only get better by competing with yourself. If you look at anyone else, that will distract you to things that aren't relevant for you. Improve your own technique, work on your own time. That's your only chance of winning any competition." Easier said than done, but it was healing for me to hear that. Looks-wise ... check out "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies." It might have something you can use. AND see what small things you can adjust that make you feel better. I still cringe at myself more than I should, and self-loathing, argh, not free from that either. BUT lookswise I know there are a few things that make glances in the mirror less frightening. If you can figure out what that is for you, it's worth the investment. Words-wise, I've benefited from rhetoric courses, books on conversation skills, and negotiation workshops. I'll be interested to see what you get for other suggestions, since I really need to spruce up in this area myself.

Yeow. We cleared the car stuff up right away, then he asked if I'd had a good weekend and done something nice for myself. (In the past, conversations were just about him. He tries to find rules for how to get relational things right.) We chatted a little and then I told him - I'm at a point in a few areas where I have to look at the 5-year-plan and see what makes sense for ME - My idea is a set time of low-contact, during which I would get my stuff together independent of him (get support from other, appropriate sources) and he would have the time to figure out what he really wants, if anything, from me. - In the past we haven't managed for me to be able to hear what he's actually saying about what he wants and what he's willing to do, and where he feels he has no freedom or just plain doesn't want to budge. I didn't get into old stories, but he's the absolute king of yessing and then being trapped by outside circumstances. thereforeeee it makes no sense to try that again, and I'm not interested in trying to talk things out, b/c it'll be the same old situation of him feeling under pressure and me frustrated and creating more pressure. - I don't want to put him under pressure, but I'M under pressure. I see two possibilities: a) close the door, walk away and move on, b) do the LC time(out) so that he gets clarity and I figure out how to stand on my own, and then make a decision together. At that point I'm willing to meet with a counselor with him, but I'm no longer going to seek out a counselor and push for counseling or anything pro-relationship. OR if he feels like he already knows he doesn't see any chance or isnt interested but doesn't want to hurt me, then he can certainly say so. He said that in the past, a counselor (Connie) helped him to articulate his own interests better than he could on his own. He said he feels that he sees me in two roles: as a woman who has to go after her own interests, AND as his coach. And that this doesn't work, so a neutral third party in the coach role is needed. I said yeah, during the LC time I thought it would be good if he went to see someone on his own, and I'd be willing to come along if he wanted that at the end of the LC time(out). He didn't like that idea, said he'd be afraid that would be another "Fred" situation, in which he had a few sessions and then the guy insisted on seeing me as well and then in the first 20 minutes I got Fred to say that said divorce was the only option. I was MIFFED at that guy and felt like he was running X around with superficial crap. e.g. he made fun of X when X said he wanted to be the primary parent and let me work full-time, and said that's nothing for a man. Excuse me Mr. Shrinky, but X had already had a successful career, and YOUR cv looks suspiciously like someone couldn't cut it in his chosen field thus went to some seminars so he could sit in the designated-expert chair! The shrink finally wrote me a bs-letter, so I came in to shut him up. I knew what approach he used and had already read a few basic texts (Yeah, I'm cerebral) so I'd seen the battery of dx-questions and knew what various questions were supposed to get at. Thus I manipulated the divorce-is-only-option answer out of Shrinky at about minute 19. Then, since I was surprised a few things were completely new to Shrinky, I asked X what he'd said about that in prior sessions. A good therapist should give the client a space to open up and know when to push client as needed, am I wrong? Yes I have issues with therapists, at least with those who need to be the fixers. You should see me in group therapy. Anyway, found out that X still resents me manipulating Shrinky. In response I said that Shrinky was treating X like a wuss and not giving him any tools, and not focusing on his strengths and resources and I didn't want to work with someone like that. Here I shouldn't have negated X's feelings, oops. Uh, okay so we decided nothing on the shrink front. I said that my enormous, bottomless expectations for help (with everyday crap) are unrealistic and unhealthy and a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship. He took that to mean that I'm expecting something from him and he's not sure what it is and not giving the right thing. I tried to explain that it's not about =him= - it's about the relationship not being set up correctly or for whatever reason not working. I repeated that I'm ready to walk away b/c it's so clear that the relationship just doesn't work for either of us, AND I feel it's fair to be sure I'm not carelessly discarding something good that only needs an adjustment in the relationship. UNLESS he knows now that he just needs me gone. (If this is the case, he wouldn't be able to say that, I don't think. But I had to offer.) X said he feels completely helpless, like an elephant someone expects to fly, and he's flapping his ears like crazy but not able to take off. He keeps being beaten and yelled at and he wants to fly but he's too heavy and he keeps trying but knows he'll never fly. D!mn. I could strangle his mother at times. (Except I see her pain, too.) She had and has excruciatingly specific, demanding expectations of how a happy family looks, interacts etc, and any errance from that means you're out of the family. So he looks for a rule for EVERYTHING, and if he can't find one, he's paralyzed. I came up with an analogy about the elephant that got him to sort of see it's not about him. Mon dieu, why am I sweeping up Maman's broken china again??! Then I asked how he was feeling, if he felt under pressure, and he said no, he doesn't understand but can feel I'm not threatening him. And then he said that now "would be a good time to cuddle." Ha - that was 50% his need to be held and =feel= that I'm there despite the conflict, and 50% his intimate knowledge of my biggest weakness. And to think my mother always said that women have sex to be held, while men hold to get sex ... Cr!p. It's great that I mucked out those boxes today but I'm in BIG trouble with work and am thereforeeee going to go to the doctor tomorrow and get written up sick again. (Physically legit, but I'm a trooper and if I had things organized, I'd fight through.) I've got to get some sleep now. I =really= need the LC to break this sick exchange of being his strategy coach and expecting personal-assistant/secretarial-coaching in return. Tomorrow no need for contact. NO calls for support, NO calls with doctor updates, NO calls to offer support, NO calls for any reason. IF something comes up, put it on a list for next necessary conversation. IF he calls, keep it short, cheery. Next possible required contact: Thursday.

On a board I used to frequent, a regular poster stated very adamantly that reduced sensitivity to bj is a result of over-frequent masturbation. Wish I could find one of her old posts - she was pretty detailed! (Not that I'd re-post it here, but I could re-direct you.) IIRC, she couldn't state an accross-the-board frequency of how-much-is-too-much, but she knew when that was the cause. So that's one thing you might want to experiment with. (YES it's healthy for a guy to masturbate regularly while in a relationship!) And like Agent says, there are men who like some oral play mixed in but prefer coming during intercourse.

Blah, tried to return his call (practical stuff for week and say I'm willing to go to counselor with him if he feels relationship is worth that to him) and he wasn't there. Left a message saying I was ret'ng his call. Tried again an hour later, since I don't want even a short conv. when I'm too tired. Also tried his mobile, while I was killing a couple of bunnies. Got a TON of stuff sorted out today, unfortunately no work-work done. And connection-wise, opened up an e-mail program to try to fix it, and received an e-mail from an old acquaintance who's starting a job "here". Well, on an island pretty far from where I live, but still. Connection is something I've never quite gotten down, and it's going to be a key to success in surmounting some of the next hurdles I've got ahead. Argh, at this point I'm so tired, I don't know if I can manage talking to him today.

Was going through MORE boxes, filling another recycling bin, had a movie on when he called. I let it ring. He didn't try my mobile. I'll call him in a bit, but when I've been just about to call him today, I've said naaah, first do something =guaranteed= to make me feel better.

Same here. What's important is that YOU feel comfortable in and with your body. Have you heard of the book When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies by Munter and Hirschmann? Title sounds kind of harsh but the book (and related discussion groups) is/are a great resource.

Why on EARTH do I still hope for some warmth, some effort, some investment on his part?????????????????? Big points for me, though - I got through a couple more (small) boxes and tossed tons of stuff. Lots of past. Now I think I'll see whether my new mobile phone takes pictures good enough to use on eBay, and if so, start listing some more stuff.

I wouldn't tell your bf. You have no influence over who =he= tells, esp. if/when that relationship ends. Having just read the other thread though, I'd think about whether there's any chance this cousin would do the same thing with your sister. If so, I'd think about telling her.

I'd be more worried about you letting this ruin your summer ... that to me indicates an incredible amount of insecurity in the relationship, other very big issues going on. Personally I wouldn't say anything about this, nor set limits. It's much more interesting to see how the guy handles the situation on his own. But then again, these days I'm concerned with some pretty big issues I have with myself, so things like this don't seem worth the energy.

Totally normal, girl! No advice for you, other than to give yourself time and your new co-workers a chance. And good for you for getting another job right off!

No more messaging! If he calls, he calls. If you see him and he initiates further contact, great, if not, his loss. This kind of reminds me of the church group I was in during college. A lot of us weren't really that advanced socially ... some 25-year-olds are men, this one isn't yet. I don't know if it applies, but for reference, read the book "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt, or google for an online summary. Most guys don't let their shyness etc. get in the way for too long, if they really like a girl. That said - I'm just now going through boxes of old paper, and finding some notes from guys. Looks to me like they were pretty into me, but at 20 I didn't get that at ALL. But you're awake and looking for signs of encouragement, so don't make too many excuses for him. Better to just wait and see.

Have been going through a mixed box of old papers. Naturally there's stuff in there from him, and it's painful. I tossed all of the print-outs of language stuff from when I started learning his language, and then went to the bookshelf and sorted out non-reference textbooks to discard. Also found letters, incl. an old valentine with long analysis about why it was a valentine, from guys I knew before. So strange. So hard not to call, since I said something about not being happy w/ the status quo. If he cared, I'd expect him to make an effort, figure out whether anything can be fixed. Ain't happening. Me-stuff I've been neglecting: - hair cut & color - pedicure - friends - networking The depression is a bummer, but it's the way things've always been. I don't burden friends with it, just withdraw, and when others expect too much of me I sever contact without saying anything. I'll feel a LOT better when: - these moving boxes (LR & BR) are sorted through and gone - real bed has arrived - work is in order - I've reconnected with some family, friends

Started last week, but for simplicity calling today Day 1. Things that have to be organized in order to separate: - car - taxes - common friends Support I need to find elsewhere: - ADD coach - legal paperwork - sex Big themes I have to face: - job - grad work on side - life direction - physical health I left a message last night about the car. As I know him, he'll call this afternoon. I don't know whether to offer meeting with a counselor or not. He pulls a passive/victim act and feels like he has no choice in things. Before I moved out, I agreed to go to his counselor with him b/c I knew I could get the counselor to say that separating was a good thing. Reading his actions, he doesn't =want= a relationship with me. The non-relationship we've been having is really comfortable for him. At one point, he said he didn't want to officially get back together, b/c then we'd officially break up and end things forever. At the time, I thought - great, b/c I didn't want to get back together at all. In retrospect, I feel that what he said spoke volumns I didn't hear.

Only argument against it: the dynamics might change over time. If it's equal now and you like that, take a hard look at whether both will keep growing. And if it's NOT equal now and that's what's appealing, then even an age diff. much bigger than 10 years might not suffice. In either case, it SUX bigtime when the younger outpaces/outgrows the older emotionally. Warning, personal vent ahead: In my marriage, age difference was one of the only things that was never an issue. If anything, we switched into more of a mother-son thing once I was living in his country and his "older, european, worldly" facade collapsed. Yes, he introduced me to wine (I was raised very anti-alcohol) but then I caught up, recognized that his tastes were pedestrian, and influenced =his= preferences. Yes, he introduced me to a bit of old-Europe I hadn't experienced when I lived (diff. country) on my own and a social circle that sounds fairy-tale to some, but I freaking coached him through his 30s. If I had a nickel for every time he called me and said something like, "Today I used your ABC-rule-of-thumb in handling situation Z with client Y", heck I'd be able to swallow the tax penalty of going through with the divorce. Yes, he has a doctorate, but I've read texts over his shoulder and found solutions HE hadn't thought of. I recall meeting a =much= older guy when I was 21 or so ... in talking about the age diff, he said "you're my equal" and that was the deal-breaker for me. I thought, no way - for whatever reason you can't face a same-age woman, and you really think I'm dumb enough to fall for that and forgive things she wouldn't?! After separating from X, I went out with a few different much-older guys a few times. Coffee and a museum or concert was fine, and more relaxed than what I'd experienced with guys my age who're panicking to start families, but the lack of maturity showed up really quickly. Long story short, it all depends on the situation, just be sure you're clear on what you're counting on.

By Wiki I meant of knowing where to find things on-line, should have phrased that differently. In the short time I've been here I've seen soooo many posts where you went straight to the 411. Fabulous!

Patron saint of Wikipedia here eh ...

Maybe I'm old and granola, but ask the doc about trying natural remedies before anti-biotics. If things seem better, be sure to get tested again to be sure the infections truly gone. link removed link removed

Depends on what you're getting out of it. A lot of people use it as sort of self-medication.

Sounds like maintaining healthy skin is important to you, and 20 is a good age to get into good skin-care habits. Sunscreen or sunblock every day, cleanse and moisturize every night. Find a good cosmetologist and get facials as needed. And while you're at it, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel the need to declare your choice the universal best option and judge use of make-up. Personally I find it freeing to have as many options as possible. Leave yourself room to change your stance for future situations that might require it. A really good friend of mine has fabulous skin and doesn't need makeup. But she's got a certain image to meet at work, and that requires light makeup. At 20, you can argue with this, and yeah, it rots that society places these expectations on women. At 30-plus, some of us choose our battles.

Sounds like a UTI to me. Any of this sound familiar: link removed I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV! YMMV and all that. That said: if you try the cranberry juice route, try to find natural unsweetened stuff (yes, expensive) b/c the sugar in standard cranberry drinks can worsen the bacteria.

There's no way of knowing where you and he really stand until he's actually divorced. You being around is just muddying things for him. And it's pretty risky for you. I'm guessing you're attractive, nice to be around and a huge ego boost for him. NOBODY is going to have an =easy= time saying, "oh no thanks, please step back and stop stroking my ego while I do the honorable thing." You're going to have to step back on your own - you really don't want to be his cushy way out. In answer to Elektra's non-question about relationships that start as affairs: a couple I know met in a situation similar to yours. They had a fling and then went LC (given workplace, NC not possible) until his divorce was final and he had his own place. His kids are late teens/early 20s, they're not planning to marry, she doesn't want kids nor to live together, so the situation is a little different than yours is. And it's only 3-4 years they've had this arrangement, so Elektra's point might hold. (Knowing them, esp. her, and the amount of work he's done on himself, I think they're good.) I'm not at a point to be giving advice, but my sound-off here is: get clarity. Which you get by giving him the space to get his own situation cleared up.