Jane0815
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So he came on Friday, very strange. He was so passive. I =know= he can be passive but I just didn't have the energy to carry him at all. I told him I'd cleaned the grill but hadn't bought grillables since we eat different stuff. So he asked what =I= wanted. I got a bit annoyed and told him I didn't have it in me to play hostess; it would be easier for me if he would say clearly what he wanted so we could organize the evening. He replied that he was tired too and didn't really feel like grilling after all, and what did I want to eat? I suggested take-out. We agreed on sushi and I asked him to pick it up. I said what kind of sushi I'd like, told him how they handle take-out orders and that it would probably be a long wait. He said great, he could drink (some kind of beer) and read his trade rag. When I handed him my sports wallet, he said - oh, couldn't he treat me? Typical, typical. He came back with an extremely, ehm, frugal portion. And hadn't understood what kind of sushi I'd requested, because Oh! from the =right-hand= side of the menu??! Yes, and I'd =said= it was expensive but I still wanted it. I work hard, and have tons of stress even when I don't get work done, and when I decide to take a break and have a treat, then I don't want to play deprivation games. Money was always an issue, especially where food was involved. He really skimped on groceries. Maybe take-out falls into the grocery category for him, or maybe this sushi thing was progress, I dunno. Restaurants used to be where he overspent without realizing it. He'd choose the cheapest entree BUT have appetizer and drinks and dessert - the big-margin items. Especially drinks add up fast. My GAWD the stories that come to mind, not good at all. (Not about drinking - about money issues pertaining to food.) TBC.
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Divorcing after 20 years, he says my fault
Jane0815 replied to VictoriaInTexas's topic in Divorce Advice
Hi Victoria, I haven't read the other responses, just have to say the above is lunatic. For comparison: My xH was pretty clean-conscious, and more than a little inhibited; even if I'd tried to do half of the housework, I'm TERRIBLE at it and create messes everywhere, and can live with things getting pretty dirty. (Don't like it, but won't take care of it myself.) He still managed to get me done. Why? No performance problems! Right now it feels horrible, I'm sure - but you've got a lot of years of sexual enjoyment still ahead of you, so better to get rid of this guy NOW and go through a difficult divorce, heal and be available for LIFE. -
Heh. A really intimidating hot-mama i-banker friend of mine in the city told me the flirt technique of touching the guy's hand as he's holding the light. But a huge %age of men simply hand her their lighter, even when they're giving all other signs of flirting with her. And if she asks them to light it for her, they look at her like she's disabled or something. I smoke half a cigarette once a year, but always ask for a light. I'm turned off by regular smokers, but find myself equally turned off to men who reply WHAT?! Oh NO, I don't SMOKE! Two take-aways here: 1) if she asks for a light, she might be flirting a bit! 2) one cigarette does not a chain-smoker make!
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Called this afternoon to find out when he's coming tomorrow. Told him I'm not doing well at ALL and needed to plan how to structure the time. Also said I felt like my concentration probs were threatening my job, and that's huge. I said: it's about survival. I couldn't understand his refusal to help previously when I'd explained something that would be REALLY useful and wouldn't cost him much time. I said: it's about MONEY. Money he gets. Gotta get some work done. Looks like I'll have to find a babysitter-type call service or something, it's that bad. Freaking anxiety etc.
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Remembered I can go on an SSRI to kill desire issues. Not too thrilled about him coming tomorrow. Maybe he won't.
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Sorry it was my bad throwing Walking off with my journalism guess. How much of an alum network does UChic have in publishing in NYC? If it's not enough to overwhelm you with contacts, then see what you can do before leaving Chicago to open up other networks, b/c it'll be easier to get clearance into Chicago chapters of some clubs than it would be in NYC. If it's your social scene at all then look into Jr. League - I don't know what timing you're looking at, but it might do you good to do some volunteer work if your internship isn't filling your week completely. Are you a little afraid of NYC kicking your posterior? b/c you'll run into some attitude, and more than a few people who don't rate UChic near the top of their mental lists. Not saying that's an objective assessment, just that you'll run into people with other ranking systems in their heads, where what you've been banking on holds nothing for them and you need different coins. You need to find ways to bolster yourself up against that kind of stress, too. But one step at a time ...
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Diggity's on it. (And what % of women in the UK are named either Corrinne or Jo?) I'd consider asking Corrinne to grab coffee with you so you can talk and saying you hope you didn't put her in an awkward situation by visiting too much, you truly just think of her as a good pal and didn't want in any way to cause her trouble, and is there anything you can do to clear things up? Thus you look sensitive to her situation AND it's settled that you're not after her. Don't ask in the next breath whether she can hook you up with Jo though ...
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It's horrible - and it's stressful for your body, too. While your heart is breaking, be sure your body is getting lots of sleep, vitamins, water. If you don't work out regularly, try jogging or something you like - esp. if you can find a jogging buddy who won't make you talk, or will talk about non-gf stuff or whatever you need. And give yourself time! One rule of thumb I've heard for starting to gain neutrality is 25% of the relationship time. Hang in there, guy and do what you can for yourself.
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X called this afternoon. Perfect timing since I'd taken a nap and needed to get up. He wanted to tell me about a couple of cool achievements work-wise. That's nice. He also listened to my stuff (work topics) but he hadn't called out of interest in how I was doing. I didn't tell him about the coach. To get out of a forced visit, he'd fibbed to a friend saying he wouldn't be there when friend comes through town, and he wants to come here on Friday. I'd offered to cover his office (I could do my own work there) weeks ago, when I encouraged him to decline his friend's self-invitation. But it sort of sounded like he wanted to come here b/c it's the least expensive option. And my terraced back yard is great for grilling and hanging out. I dunno. Have to get my body and mind and routine and work in order, not too keen on seeing him right now. Body-wise, I really need some kind of outlet so that I don't fall into the easiest option, quality guaranteed. Sure, there are "viable options" but none seem appealing right now. Bloody work ... got to get this together, this afternoon was a wash.
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Northwestern, Journalism?
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Have you googled them?
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If you're =really= serious about making it in "your field," GO TO NEW YORK. Bribe a friend into letting you crash on her/his couch 'til you find a place. During your upcoming internship where you are now, =work= your network, set up interviews in NYC. Scrape together the money somehow - you'll probably need to go to the city a few times, just to get an unpaid or lousy-paid foot in the door, find a place to live and get a waitressing job nights & weekends to pay the rent. If you're not in NYC, you're not in the game and you're not going to end up there, ever. Sure, there are exceptions, but they have exceptional reasons for not being in the city. If your school is "one of the best", then they have a career placement office and a kick- * * * * * alum network, with gazillions of graduates in top jobs in the city. Plug into that network. (Even alum networks aren't "free" though - when you ask for an informational interview, send a resume beforehand and a letter offering a couple of hours of your time doing something like internet searches, b/c you don't take their time for granted.) Plus, being in the city will make you forget your ex completely, very fast. Every month you wait is delaying your own advancement. There are less-artsy options for employment (still writing-oriented) that'll pay off the debt quickly and from which you can move pretty easily back into your field. But you really emphasized that you went to a top-notch school, so you must know all of this already. It's also okay if you DON'T actually want to make it big in your field, just have a decent job and less-stressed lifestyle. Only you can know that.
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How important is sex and "sexual compatability"?
Jane0815 replied to Skydiver8's topic in Divorce Advice
Beec, that's why the 'training' can't come from her. The motivation is the first issue ... he's got to think he wants it more than she does, I think. See I'm pretty sure - if he came to you asking for advice, you could describe what kind of reactions it's possible to get from women, how satisfying it is to drive them completely batty. If he's halfway okay, you'd be able to arouse his interest in achieving that as well. Only then - when the motivation is in order - will your technique tips be any good at all. Sounds (OP correct me if I'm wrong) like he sees "satisfaction" as getting off, and is totally blind to the kick of getting =her= off. -
How important is sex and "sexual compatability"?
Jane0815 replied to Skydiver8's topic in Divorce Advice
I'm going to suggest something even less 'frontal' than what Beec is suggesting, b/c the woman as sexual teacher is just not that erotic when the man has hang-ups to the degree I'm reading into what she's written. Too much of his mindset will have to be shifted before he even gets to the place where Beec's tips would be of use. Find a way to get him to get 'help' for YOUR "problem." I have NO idea how you can get him to seek help from a guy like Beec. Maybe Beec is on some other site and can give you an idea of how to get your H to go there, or who knows. Present it as asking him to help you. This is how I got my X to go to counseling the first time ... things weren't good, and since I'm open about areas in which I need to improve, he was taking that as the explanation for ALL our conflict. So I got him to go to the counselor alone to address MY problems. I told him the counselor could give him some tips to protect himself from me. (Btw this wasn't sex counseling!) He went, and the counselor didn't buy the idea of me being the sole problem and him being a saint and victim. It was soooooooooo hard not to crack up laughing when he came back and said how hard she'd been on him. After a few sessions, she insisted I come in with him, and then she yelled at me, too. All good. Something's got to happen to motivate this guy to want to make you wild. That he's not appreciative of your sexuality is such a soul-killer - that would be a bigger deal-breaker for me than the lack of sex itself would be. -
Finding other means of support is really freeing. It's kind of nice, not talking to him with every other breath.
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Problem, DiggityDogg, is that the remedies offered by the "fastseduction" and "askmen" gurus and their minions are quick and easy. The loudmouths touting their slogans come accross as "confident" to the guys who're looking for solutions and =know= they're lacking something. Kinda sad, but everyone gets through the day as well as he can. The real solutions proposed by you and Ms. Sommers require the ability to take a hard look at oneself, and then so much work and personal growth. Who wants =that=?
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So, had my first telephone session with an ADD-coach this evening. The chemistry isn't really there, but I don't care at this point. I signed up for 6 weeks: every week one 45-minute call, and every day an e-mail check-in. I had to spell out in almost vulgar terms how badly I'm doing, and even so I don't think she believed it. But it's a resource, and it's guaranteed to work out better than trying to get help from X did. Several times today I started writing an e-mail to X with something stupid ... once I was starting to ask him a coaching-type favor. Deleted EVERY mail. Feeling better emotionally but really icky physically - threw up shortly before my coaching call. Hungry though, will try to eat now.
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There used to be a book out called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Not everything in it was constructive, IIRC, but it might be worth looking into.
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Jeesh, don't put avocados on your eyes! That's cucumbers, like Annie says! Avocado I guess you could smash up and use as a mask, but that's expensive and messy. Try what Iggy said. And you'd be surprised how many men get facials ... you don't have to tell anyone! In fact, I recommend NOT telling anyone ... was at a guy's place for dinner once, and I think he was trying to show off his "soft side" by talking about going for 2-hour facials. Um, telling me something like that when I barely knew him just showed lack of discretion. I introduced my X to facials and eyebrow clean-ups, but I avoid talking about my own facials unless someone is looking for help. Which reminds me: gotta call this pharmacy-cosmetician whose card I have ... mine is on vacation all August and things can't wait that long.
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Don't know where to stay for my final year of school...
Jane0815 replied to Caldus's topic in Career, Money and Education
Some families or older people will let a room to a student in exchange for household help, pet care, babysitting, senior care, running for groceries or such. You could place an ad at churches and check with your student housing center. I found my deal through a professor's wife, who knew the family. You can't party at home, and you get exposed to the inner workings of some strange person/family's life and your opinion is NOT welcome, but it was a lot saner for me than trying to live with regular flatmates. -
How important is sex and "sexual compatability"?
Jane0815 replied to Skydiver8's topic in Divorce Advice
I wish you luck! Sounds like your H has some serious hang-ups about sex. Maybe counseling would help. If I'm reading you correctly, he's never given you an orgasm even during 'foreplay'? If he doesn't know that can happen, he doesn't know what he's missing. Counseling? -
Really hard not to call him when the stupid anxiety stuff comes up. Gotta find effective ways of self-soothing. Talking to him NEVER worked constructively - it just wasted my time, distracted me by working on HIS stuff, listening to HIS stories. Even when he listened to me, he never had ideas for constructive tools or ways of getting through things. His "tips" are all OCD-discipline based. Ack. When he says "I like at the files I have to work through, figure out what the priority is, and go from there" that's great for him, but I look at a pile of stuff I have to do, can't see what's even in it, it's all just fog, and I panic.
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Don't know where to stay for my final year of school...
Jane0815 replied to Caldus's topic in Career, Money and Education
What about getting a room in exchange for yardwork or something? My last year of uni I got a very sweet room for canine care (pretty involved, but I liked it) and occasional babysitting. (Your die-hard xian / god only knows why quip cracked me up.) -
Went to doctor, got bunch of acupuncture needles all over and an IV of painkillers. Picked up mail on way home, card from X and friends who went out last week w/o me. His handwriting on envelope, and card from box he has. Guess I can reply with postcard. Stocked up on easy-to-prepare grocery stuff. Bought magnesium and vitamin B. Doctor wrote me up sick for week. Have to get work done though and appease Boss & Co. Too late to call footcare chick now, missed neurologists open times by getting into a long convo while groc. shopping (but that's connection points, right?). Maybe I can e-mail the cleaning girl? And call my sister?
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Ditto Dako.