Jane0815

Hi - I hope you're feeling better today! One tool that worked for me was to make a check-in journal in a blank book for myself with projections about when things would be better . I made graphs of improvement that I filled in as time went by. Sounds terribly scientific and dry, but the curiosity of testing my hypotheses was the help I needed to maintain NC. This worked in the case of breakups of shorter term relationships though, where I felt my emotions/withdrawal pain was irrational given the situation. Now I'll have to try it with my semi-X-H, that'll be the test. Something that's worked for me in other (non-breakup) situations when I can't seem to comfort myself is to imagine that I'm caring for a small child. Sounds sort of split-personality, I know. But there are times when the rational just won't get through the pain, so this approach helps by not arguing with the pain and by calling out the side of you that's the wise adult ot take care of the suffering, helpless side in a non-judging way. Sounds like your guy was your first love? This makes it extra hard. (Rose's NC journal might be the on-line version of what I suggested above - I'm going to check it out. Important is that you find what works for you. And do it!)

You mentioned he just graduated, so I'm guessing he's 18. Do you know off-hand what the law is in MT? My first thought was that he might know he could get into trouble even if you initiate things. IIRC there are some states where you can get around this if the girl's parents give written consent. If that's not the problem, the wise ones here are sure to help you out!

You probably feel a mess right now, but know that I admire your strength and courage and decisiveness! Crazyaboutdogs is totally right. In my case, I'm the one who doesn't want kids ... def. not with him, but now that time is gone and it's not going to happen for me at all. (Of course I could rush and find someone else, in theory I "have a few years still" but now is me time.) Bella, stay strong, this really will pass! A friend of mine went through the same thing and kicked herself for a few years b/c she didn't meet anyone. Long story short, she's now got 2 really adorable kids and a husband who was even more into becoming parents than she'd ever hoped, and he voluntarily does a lot more of the childcare than she does.

Just to clarify (point of pride on my part!), I now make more than double what he does. And I'm 11 years younger. Edited to say: I can't, however, claim immunity from the dependency thing - separating officially would take a huge chunk of change out of every paycheck. Plus there are a lot of things we've been able to organize much more frugally by working them out together, like the car and some professional services. For much of the relationship I was living on next to nothing and in fact dependent, so I'm pretty irrational about money etc. now that things are going better.

Good for you for checking out your options! Some centers have a general group that's an intro to the dynamics of groups in general and therapy groups in particular. I did one called "About Groups" and we all ended up not liking the leader too much ... which I later read was a sign of a healthy group! Keep in mind that you don't have to talk/open up much to benefit from a group. Sometimes just observing the general interactions and hearing what others talk about can be helpful. Testing the waters by talking about something that's not your key issue can be informative as well. If you have a specific concern, look at your health plan's options of course but keep in mind there are feasible alternatives if you aren't getting what you need from the plan. It's all about YOU and your needs, not about fitting into a plan's grid. But I think you know that already!

Methinks you have reason to be insecure. His best defense is a good offense, for sure. Go ahead and get upset, but don't talk to him about it and def. don't confront him. An "old" feminist, Erica Jong, says not to discuss with men - just observe their actions, and take action. I'm trying to preach that at myself, at the moment.

When I was little, one of my favorite columns in my grandmother's Ladies Home Journal magazine was the "Can this marriage be saved?" series. What if there was no marriage to begin with? Edited to add: both from extremely conservative families. I was expecting an arranged marriage and though I met him "normally", he visited my parents right off and set things up their way; he had more or less a list of qualities his parents expected him to find in a wife who would fill a certain role. I tried to back out at last minute but failed. History: When we married, 7 years ago, I moved to his country and moved in with him. Lots of exterior baloney. Interior not great either. Lots of promises made and anger/hurt when wifey expected follow-through. I burnt down to pretty much non-functional. 2.5 years ago I moved out, but stayed in his country. Functionality increased. We've both seen other people but maintained regular contact. Employment situations and health improved dramatically for both. Status quo: paperwork says married and living together. See each other weeklyish, phone pretty much daily. Share car. Talk about things both jobs actually don't permit disclosing, and respective families. Now some external decisions (commit to 3 more years in a country I really don't enjoy?!) are forcing a relationship decision. I'll start by listing arguments in favor of maintaining the status quo: - taxes, to the tune of US$10,130.80/year PLUS same or more in benefits of combining expenses (different country, don't ask). You do not want to be the guy on a date with me, b/c what I'm sizing up is how my tax return would look with you on it. financial stuff was so hard for so long, and I'm so screwed with my retirement savings etc, I =do= need to take care of myself in this area um ... - my mom thinks he's hot that's only 1/2 joking. in her eyes, he's the only thing I've ever done right. - he's made some huge improvements on himself over the past few years but all of them under huge pressure from me, no initiative of his own. he dared to wonder what would have happened in one area if I'd put MORE pressure on him - he manages my parents so that I can maintain contact with my youngest sibs (sect, don't ask) this one has some actual weight - doesn't however require maintaining status quo uh, I made a list this afternoon, lemme check. DANG why did I make it in local language????! Ah, right, I was thinking we could see a counselor. The devil laughs ... - I've already invested so much and hope to get something in return and cutting losses only applies to corporate divestiture of unprofitable subsidiaries - my life is a mess, I have no real direction, don't know where else to go more time in this place will make me feel a LOT better about that - am burnt out relationship-wise and this relationship is protection against further relationships perfect - the status quo guarantees maintained burnout - he knows me and there's a sort of trust established which he dumps whenever a woman seems to match his fantasy of zero-conflict, and retrieves as soon as said woman makes demands I was NOT when I wrote those last points. Frankly, I'm terrified of truly moving on. Have been doing LC since Sunday/Monday. Before y'all tie on your cleats and start kicking the baked beans out of me, do know that I =have= been working on myself, the whole time. I've conquered some huge 'ick'. If nothing else came from it, the relationship (and the context - his family, friends and country) forced me to develop some skills and confidence that were sadly, sorely missing, just to survive. I =know= I have tons of work ahead of me, most of it having nothing to do with him. Be somewhat gentle, okay?

I have a feeling you're going to be one of the ones totally kicking my posterior here ... As Martha S. would say, "it's a good thing."

Depends on what approach they're schooled in (or favor, if they've taken different types of training). Ask before you make an appointment, google it, and check your library for textbooks in that school of thought. Especially if it's a family therapist with a systems orientation, a lot of their intro questions can be REALLY formulaic and it's worthwhile to read up on what they're trying to get at with these questions. For example, they'll ask about the beginning of your relationship. What they're trying to get at is whether there was something that can be re-built on. (Sorry for over-simplifying.) Since I knew this before going in to my whatever-the-heck-he-is's counselor, I was able to give a clear, non-sugared answer instead of the usual story that gets the oh-how-romantic responses. 2.5 years later, I'm on the fence again and wondering whether my idea of finding a counselor is just me looking for permission to ditch him and support to move on.