charley

Why are some people so judgemental about age-gap relationships? Is it their business to tell two consenting adults who they can be with? No, it isn't. I'll tell you why there are some age-gap related judgements and disputes at E, and in society in general. Number one, there are no cultural or PC related prohibitions against being a bigot against age-gap couples. It's like a free pass to be a bigot to them. Judgemental people have fewer and fewer people and couples they can openly judge and get away with it since that's not acceptable when that bigotry is applied to inter-racial couples, or gay couples. So the bigots focus on the only target they have left that they are allowed to freely attack without social condemnation of the bigot. Age-gap couples are an easy target and judgemental people get a free pass to judge them. Inter-racial couples and gay couples are not mainstream couples because they are not the majority. However, they don't get bashed much at E because it's socially unacceptable to be judgemental to them. However, it's a free pass to jump on age-gap couples, if one is inclined to judgemental behavior. Most people are not judgemental. Most are fair minded really. However, there are enough judgemental ones around and they gravitate to this issue since they socially have a free pass to judge. That's ^ one reason why age-gap couples are sometimes maligned. I wish that members would remember that consenting adult age gap couples have the same right to exist as inter-racial couples or anyone else, and should receive the same level of tolerance. ================ The other reason they are sometimes maligned is because they often ask for it (without realizing it). They ask for it by requesting approval from the masses. They post things like, "Our age-gap is X. Is that OK? Is that acceptable? Will society accept us?" When they post things like that they are inviting, nay baiting bigots to jump up and start disapproving and condeming. I don't see inter-racial couples or gay couples asking for permission or approval from mainstream society. What I see them doing is making their choice, living it, and society can like it or lump it. I have to respect their bravery and resolve to follow their hearts, and their wisdom not to ask for opinions or approval. Just do it. By not asking for approval, nor soliciting opinions from the masses, they end up receiving more tolerance as a result, and less conflict. If age-gap couples would just do what they want to do (consenting adults) and stop asking for permission, or approval, or opinions from society, then they would receive more toleration and there would be little or no disputes about it because no one's opinion was solicited. So my advice to age-gap couples, or those wanting to enter into such a relationship, is just do what you want with who you want, assuming you are both consenting adults, and don't ask for others opinions about it. Then you'll receive more tolerance, and certainly less conflict. As for myself, if I end up dating a younger woman, or one my age, I might post that I'm dating someone, but I won't even mention if she's younger or not because it's no one's business and I'm not asking for permission or approval or opinions on that. I remember last year being interested in a 25 year old woman, and I told one of my married lady friends about it (friend was 30 at the time). Friend said, why even mention her age? She's 25 and an adult. So it doesn't matter. thereforeeee, don't mention it to anyone cause it doesn't matter and it's none of their business anyway. People usually won't make a big deal out of things, unless you invite them too. The biggest blame and root cause of age-gap couples occasionally getting bashed, is still the age-gap couples themselves raising the issue, then asking for approval and opinions about. Just do what you're going to do and don't ask society for permission, approval, or opinions. If it's legal and between consenting adults, it's OK. Period. Inter-racial couples don't ask society for permission. Gay couples don't ask permission. They just do what they want as they have every right to do. Age-gap couples should follow their example and assert your rights, instead of meekly requesting them. Just do what you want and don't ask permission, approval, or for opinions. I am of course referring to consenting adults. ============ This thread is interesting, but it's also provacative. Why provoke controversy? Are you asking for permission or approval from the majority? You don't need it. Asking for it only invites intolerance. It sounds to me like you aren't asking us what should can or should do, you are telling us. I like your attitude of self determination. I like that you aren't asking for opinions, approval, or permission. However, why tell us the age diff at all? Why not just do it? If you really are as self assured as you seem, then why not just do it and not raise the issue publicly? Why invite controversy, unless you really are looking for opinions. My opinion is follow your heart, and do consult with friends. You can even ask for public opinon if you want it. However, in the end, you have to decide for yourself and follow your heart. Either date the older guy, or don't. You don't need our approval or permission. However, I'll tell you that I do approve of your thinking for yourself and following your heart since you are an adult. How's that for outside the box? I also think it's quite accurate.

Worship, fellowship, dating, and gossip based on my observations. Workplace and church are two the the most common places were couples meet, aside from school. So don't feel embarrassed. I've seen some really good looking women at church. Just as attractive as any I saw at work or school. Don't you have any friends at this church who know her family? They'd know if he was her brother. The other way, and likely best is to walk up before or after church and say hi, shake hands with her and exchange names. Hi, I'm ____. Then she'll tell her name, if she has any manners, which she likely does. If not, or if she's shy, then ask her name right after you tell your name. Do same with the brother, BF, or whoever he is. Observe their last names. If same last name, then brother, unless married, but is she wearing a ring? If the guy isn't her BF or husband, then ask her which church functions she goes to.

Consider this: Take your list of what you want in a man, and consider how many of those qualities you have in yourself. If you cannot live up to your own list, then a man who can live up to it won't likely want you. If you can live up to your own list and meet those criteria yourself, then you have a good chance to get a man like that, if you can find a single one. If you cannot live up to your own list of standards for men, then you have 2 choices: Either lower your standards to the point where you can live up to them, or improve yourself in the areas where you are lacking. Possibly do a combination of both. To understand if your list is realistic, you first have to understand yourself, which means some honest self examination, and then either compromise, or self improvement. Now if you do currently live up to and meet ALL the standards of your own list, then you probably need to look elsewhere for men.

Kind people are not arrogant, and arrogant people are not kind. A kind person can be confident, but they won't look down on others because their kindness prevents it, and thereby prevents arrogance. Arrogrant people look down on others, and that is what makes them arrogant. If they had kindness in their personality, then they wouldn't be arrogant. I think the problem is that some people, in this case some men, can act kind, pretend to be kind, to impress you long enough to get what they want, but they aren't really kind people. Looking for kindness in a man is a great way to avoid arrogrant men. However, you still have to figure out which guys really are kind, and which are faking it. Also, if a man looks down on others unfairly, then he's arrogrant, especially if that's combined with confidence. Bottom line: Do look for kindness, but try to discern the real thing from the fakes, and also pay close attention to how he treats those in a lower position than himself. That's an effective way to spot arrogrant people. Confident people are great, as long as they are NOT arrogrant. Lastly, if you want a kind person who is NOT arrogrant, then you have to have those same qualities yourself.

How about a nice poem. I've got the perfect one.

Great poem. I like it. It's emotionally intense enough that it's hard to read at points. Moving.

The above is true, if you can get some privacy to do that. I wouldn't want to be reaching in and adjusting in public. The adjustment you mention also eases the pain of a confined woody. Hey, it hurts when there's not enough room in pants for it! Hurts even more, if it's kinked. Ouch! If it was kinked and trying to get hard, but can't lengthen or straighten because it's kinked, twisted, and/or confined, that hurts. Now add woman rubbing or pressing against it and it sounds like a recipe for excruciating PAIN. However, if it's unkinked, straightened out, and has enough room to expand, then no problems. I once had a woman sit on my lap while I had a 3/4 semi down one leg of boxers and pants. She unknowingly sat all her weight right on it, and then started scooting her butt around trying to find a comfortable position. The pain was intense. I yelped and had to explain and ask her to sit on other leg. That's another good reason to make sure the limpy is point up North ahead of time. Then if you get a semi or full deal, and a woman sits on your lap, she won't be pulverizing it.

That's very normal. Here's a couple ways I used to hide that when I was in teens and up to 25. Seldom have that problem anymore. I'm old enough that it usually takes more stimulation. i.e. - I don't usually have to worry about unwanted, spontaneous erections since being in my 30s. However, occasionally some women still have that effect on me. In my younger days, most them had that effect. Anyhow, if you untuck your shirt ahead of time (plan ahead), then no one can notice it no matter how big it may get. However, as you likely know, it's uncomfortable, and sometimes painful when it can't straighten out. So plan ahead and position it so that it's pointed ^ up ahead of time (limp, but pointing up), and not tangled in your underwear. If you wear boxer briefs, or briefs, they fit snug enough to keep your limp compass pointing North. Then, if you get turned on, it is already staight and pointing up. So then it can easily and painlessly expand and lengthen. That solves my problem, if it's a semi. If it's the full deal, then my willie is to long to fit within underwear and the last inch or so wants to poke out, but can't because of waist band and pressure from pants and belt. So that last inch still hurts since it can't expand that last inch and it's pressing into waistband of underwear. However, it's less painful than having the whole thing kinked and twisted up like happens if you don't have it staight and pointed up ahead of time. Now it's unlikely anyone would notice it, if it's already pointed up ahead of time because it's just a bulge then, not a protrustion. However, having shirt untucked ahead of time hides it totally. The woman you are dancing with, or hugging, will likely feel it against her stomach, butt, or whatever she's touching you with, but who cares? If she's touching you, then she likes you a lot. So it's a safe bet that she'll be flattered since it shows you are very attracted to her. However, I can't stand the idea of the public seeing it. That's super embarrassing. I think so anyway. So my advice above will hide it from the public and reduce your pain or discomfort. It won't hide it from a woman who's up against you, but why hide it from her anyway? If she's rubbing or pressing against you there, which is the only way she's going to feel it and know, then apparently she's wanting a reaction from you and she's checking for it. So no need to be embarrassed if she feels it and finds out. That's ^ if she's inititate the contact. If the guy initiates it and she feels that, she might not like it. If she initiates and maintains contact, then I think it's implied that she's up for it.

I agree with the above, although sex isn't my objective. It's just part of my eventual objective since I want love too. I think the word "sexy" or "hot" is to obvious and not classy enough. There's many ways to subtlely compliment her sexual attractiveness while still being subtle enough to be classy. If you told her she's pretty, or beautiful, that conveys sexual attraction, but does so with some class.

OK, while I'm generally not successful at dating, I am rather good at attraction and flirting issues, I think. I seem to do well locally at attraction and flirting. The key is to convey in a polite way that you are attracted to her personality. Also, in a polite, but clear way that you are attracted to her face, body, etc and feel a physical attraction. It's that combination of attractions to personality and looks that they tend to enjoy, and it's that combination of attractions that makes me smitten. For examples of flirting compliments to her personality (use one or two each time you meet, but NOT more than 2 in same meeting): I like you. You're fun to talk to. You're interesting. There's many others you can think of. For examples of POLITE flirting compliments to her looks, body, and sexuality that make it clear (in a polite way) that you want her (use one or two each time you meet, but NOT more than 1 in same meeting, ration the compliments): If she has a tan, then, "You have a nice tan". That subtely tells her you are looking at her face and/or body, and you like, but you've expressed it in a subtle, polite way. If she has a nice dress on, "I like your dress. It's very nice." or "I like your dress. It's very beautiful." Once again, it tells her that you're noticing her clothes, and it's implied that you're also noticing her body in her clothes and you like. "I like your hair. It's looks really nice." or "I like your hair. It's beautiful." Here again, your telling her in a complimentary way that you do look her over and you like what you see. She can then go on to imagine what else you might see and like, but you're to much a gentlemen to mention those things. So extra points! Other examples that accomplish same: "You're pretty" (you like her face). "You're beautiful" (implies you like her face and body, whole package).Those are a bit more direct, but they're still polite. Mentioning her legs would be to forward for some women, but others would like it. I can generally guess in advance how she'd take that, and if I'd dare, based on her personality. However, you are nervous and tentative at this time, and "legs" are a slightly risky subject. So avoid that for now. I always avoid any mention of T or A because that's not polite topics for flirting, except with either a wilder woman, who I doubt you'd be approaching, or a woman you already have an established dating and/or sexual relationship with. So for your situation, avoid any mention of unmentionables. If in doubt, avoid unmentionables. The above are my opinions. No doubt, others will have other ideas. The above works for me.

Why are you still talking to this guy? Why haven't you blocked him already?

It's a mistake and a waste.

Wow. You have a talent for sarcasm, burns, and writing. I enjoyed reading your post.

The "motherflopper" word is great. I love it. I love when I watch edited movies where they say things like bullsquat, shoot, gull darned, and other more funny ones I can't remember now. It's comical to me. Motherflopper is a great one. You should write the swear word edit replacements and sanitizations because you're very talented and funny at it. Be careful what you believe in because it substantially affects how your life goes by determining your boundaries and options. I think a lot of people of various races struggle to feel included when they are the only person there of whatever type. It feels frightening to be a unique person in a group. Fear then brings out defensive feelings. I think that happens with many people of many races. Fear, or discomfort isn't racism. However, I don't know exactly what you're feeling. Fear is fear, not racism. Hate is racism. We all make bubbles around ourselves and fear having our bubble break or be invaded. Much of the population of college freshmen are punks and babies. Some even have their pants falling off their butts. It's a fact. Are you a teacher by any chance? If so, that might explain your frustration and nausia. Why feel guilty about noticing reality? Ignorance and robotic mentality are common at many places of work because many people, especially in lower pay scales do NOT care, take no pride in their work, or themselves. Those are facts. Granted, some unskilled workers do care and are better than that, but many are not. Skilled workers are usually better, and the more skilled the job, the better the mentality of the worker, usually. Why feel guilty about noticing reality? Destruction of the unskilled workforce is the reality as unskilled workers are often being replaced by real robots that are more reliable, more punctual, and don't quit, steal, or strike. The world is seriously over populated and getting worse all the time. I don't want anyone to die, but it's inevitable that over population will eventually result in disease, starvation, and deaths that will reduce population to a supportable number. That's just nature and it will happen. Maybe from Avian flu. I don't know what a Luddite is, but I do think that it's not necessary to know how to build a car or computer to use one. If we required people to personally build everything they used, we'd be living like the Amish because that's about as advanced as people can get when each person has to have all skills and no one specializes. Specialization is what makes the modern world possible. People with special skills build cars and computers and other things. Slightly sexually perverted female? So what? You sound fun. Quoting ItsAllGrand: "Sometimes I indulge in good manners and etiquette as though it were holy, though it seems I belong in another age. I don't know where I learned it! If feels normal to me and I like the sweet rituals but it is not normal in this day and age. It is not normal communication." I totally understand that ^ and relate. I was using manners at a restaurant today, and other people had no idea. It was pointless. Still did it though. E can be addictive as you point out. Maybe cold turkey is what you need.

Honestly, I think you wasted way to much sensitivity, time, and effort on the jerk in your email message. Also, you were to kind and gentle. You tried to reason with an ape, which is not possible. So far, you lack the meanness to give him what he deserves. You should have at least ended it with "Do NOT contact me again." However, I can't fault you for being a classy lady, which you obviously are. Just don't communicate with him anymore. That's the best thing. If he contacts you again, then send him this, and only this: "Do NOT contact me again." However, if you can block him now, then do so.

Originally Posted by Solid- "My parents tell me almost everyday that brown is the color of the devil and that it symbolizes poverty and ignorance, maybe they are right i dunno." That's terrible and untrue. Sorry to hear your parents would say that. People in college will be much nicer to you than that. Look forward to going to college and getting away from your parents. College will be your escape to a better life. There will also be others at college of various colors. That's true of any college, or even junior college in the country. You won't be the only one.

By the way, my sister and one cousin are married to Mexican guys. Two other cousins are married to Chineese guys. All those guys are brown, but to be honest, I never even though of it until reading your thread. It's not an issue in my family. Since my sister, and especially my cousins are blonds, it makes quite a contrast. No one in family cares. I've never even thought about it before. I do notice brown women, but only because I'm attracted to many of them. For men, I never give it a thought. Don't listen to your parents. They are wrong and have no business saying those things to you. Where I work, our administrator is a woman. One of our managers is black. It's never been an issue here. Don't psyche yourself out. One of my best friends is from Uganda. His English name is Fred. His African name I won't even attempt to spell, though I can verbally say it. He's pure African and the darkest man I've ever seen. That fact is normally irrelevant, but I mention it here because it applies to your thread. He told me (his words) that he's so black that African American children stare and point at him in the park. Seriously, he told me that, and then he laughed. He finds it amusing. He could be hurt by that, but instead he finds it humorous. We don't have very many African Americans in this town. Asian and Mexican Americans there are many of, but few African Americans. Then there's my friend and his brother. They stand out everywhere they go. Now Fred could be insecure about that. However, he prefers to make the most of it. The girls in this town are almost entirely white, Asian, or Mexican. Fred likes all types of women. Now honestly, some women want nothing to do with him. I won't assume why because I'm not sure. However, others are fine with him and treat him same as me. Others are very much attracted to him and he's a bit like a local celebrity. He doesn't let any of this depress him. He makes the most of it. I wish I had 5% as much dating success as him. He's not a player though. He's a very nice man. I brought him out to my cousins house in the country. My cousin's kids are little kids from 1 to 8 years old. Some are platinum blonde like my pic to left, some are golden blondes, and some have light brown hair. All very white kids for sure. They met Fred and at first they were in shock. They'd never even seen a brown man before. They for sure had never seen a black man before. At first they were nervous and standoffish. Fred is friendly and charming. Within 5 minutes they were all sitting on his lap and beside him on the couch insisting that he read them a book. He made a lot of new friends that day. Normally those kids adore me and treat me like a rock star and scream "Uncle Chuckie's here!" That day, they ignored me and Fred was the rock star. They loved him and he loved them. It is inevitable that people in this town are going to do a double take when they first see Fred. They've never seen anyone like him before. However, he doesn't let that upset him because that isn't predjudice, it's just the innocent shock of a new experience. He then uses some charm and makes friends nearly everywhere he goes. The only problem that Fred and I ever had is that for some reason, some white idiots (and yes there are some idiots everywhere) seem to assume that a blondish, lighter than average white guy and a black guy together must be a gay couple. That p's me off more than it does Fred. He's thicker skinned than I am. He laughs it off and I don't think it really upsets him. It irritates me. However, life goes on. I have nothing against gay people, but I'm not one of them and I don't like people making that assumption based on a color difference between me and Fred. However, I'm not going to let a few ignorant people bother me to much. If being brown makes you stand out among white people, you may have some problems, but I'll bet you have some advantages, if you make use of them. For example, some white women will find you more attractive because of it. That's OK. Enjoy it, if it happens. I really think most people don't care. Even if they notice, it doesn't mean they're having negative thoughts. Maybe they just find you interesting as many do with Fred. Maybe some of the women are attracted to you, as with Fred. Being different than the people arond you is not all bad. Sometimes it's good. Mostly it won't matter, if you don't let it. Hey, my neck was broken and I can't turn my head. My left knee is damaged and sometimes I limp. I stand out too, sometimes. Men almost never care and don't seem to notice. Some women are turned off by it and I can see it in their face at the moment they realize I'm handicapped. Most don't care or don't notice. I actually think some women might even be more attracted to me out of motherly sympathy. Hey, whatever works. I have times of insecurity myself, but mostly, I'm confident. Buck up. Life is mostly what you make of it and there are MANY people of non white races in management positions these days, and also in various skilled jobs. Try to focus on the good people among all races, and ignore the bad ones as much as possible. Also, don't confuse someone noticing you with racism. It's not the same thing at all. Don't assume that just because a person noticed you that it's negative. Maybe they want to be a friend, or maybe date you, or maybe they don't want anything, but are open to being friendly if you are. Give people a chance so they can give you a chance. That's what my friend Fred does, and it works for him most of the time. That's what I do, and it works for me most of the time. They key to giving others a chance is maintaining a positive attitude. Admitedly, I don't always do that, but I try to, and usually I do.

Abraham Lincoln said in a speech that if a person looks for bad in people, they'll find many bad people and some bad in many people; but if a person looks for good in people, they'll find many good people, and some good in many people. That's a paraphrase, not a quote, but you get the idea. He went on to say that if you look for the good people, and the good in people, you will bring out the best in people. (By implication, if you look for the negative, you'll not only find it, but bring it out in people.) Now that might sound to some like political double talk, but it's very sound advice and logic. It's classic knowledge of human behavior that applies as much today as it did then. On any subject, the glass can be half empty, or half full, as you choose it to be.

I agree with P.Dragon. I think brown people are beautiful. I wish I wasn't so white. I can't even get a decent sun tan. However, I do sympathize with Solid's frustrations. If it makes you feel any better, I'm mostly white, I look white, and life is darn tough for me. Not because of my color, but regardless of it. Also, racists can be found among all races and colors of people, not just white people. However, I am still very sympathetic to your frustrations and problems. I think being a mix is toughest, if it shows in your looks. Cause then you aren't part of any group. So you feel alone. Am I right? That doesn't apply to me. I don't have that problem since I appear to be all white. However, I have mixed race friends who've expressed to me that they feel alone and not part of any group. So I can imagine how you feel.

Ask him in front of other women if his venerial diseases have cleared up. Then the other women will spread that all over town or AIM, or whatever. He'll have to hunt out of the area then. Also, do tell your friends; and your family if you dare. Let them each have a piece of him.

Pretty darn scummy. Even most players would have more sensitivity and compassion than that, I'd hope. I had one past roomate who was a heartless player and he treated women badly. Not only did he lie and cheat often, he also treated his GF disrespectfully and cruelly. What a jerk. That was a long time ago. Currently, two of my several guy friends are players in the sense that they will never committ and they like to change women often. However, they aren't liers, they're honest about not committing, and they are at least kind to the woman they're with at the time. So they have some scruples. My other male friends are not players. There's players who have some scruples, and worse ones who have no scruples. The guy you describe is an extra bad player with zero scruples, zero conscience, and zero compassion for others.

I'm no expert on this stuff, but I think that dancing itself will slim and firm you to whatever you're supposed to be. Every dancer I ever saw looked darn good. Anywhere from slim to shapely and all stages in between.

Congratulations!