HardShowingAffection

Communicate Communicate Communicate. DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Your mind is going to think the worst. You are going to drive yourself crazy lettting your mind run, and most likely hold things against him that might not even be true. If you two are serious about making this relationship work, you have some work to do. In all seriousness, read a relationship book. "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw was an amazing book, and I think it could do wonders for you two. Do it now before it is too late! It doesn't take a long time, and the lessons learned are priceless! Take action now before you two go your own ways, and then look back at all the things you would have done differently. unfortunately, it seems like that is what it takes for too many couples to realize where they were going wrong in their relationship.

There are many ways to handle your anger, I think he just needs to become aware of them. This is how he knows to handle it. Throw some communication books his way. If he is willing to change or work, he will see that this is destructive and is going to close you up. There was one book I read called "Communication Miracles for Couples" that was really good and had a few good exercises in it. Seems like you are doing the right things by not arguing back, or just walking away. He needs to learn how to handle his anger in a more effective way. I wouldn't bring this up in a time of argument or shortly after. Work to build one another up positively, and then mention that it bothers you. Or, you read the book too, tell him it concerns you, and tell him about the stuff you learned that could benefit you both. Approach it in a positive way if possible so he doesn't get defensive, and is willing to work with you.

Yes, I can see where you are coming from StolenShadow. I guess her and my minds work in two different ways. Friends and family think that we had a great relationship, and I guess that is what makes it hard. The fact that we love each other so much, and I was willing to work so hard to make things better. Bottom line is that if she is not willing to move past what occurred two years ago and move on, then I will always lose, no matter what strides I take. I am seeing this, and seeing how I have grown. All I know is that the next girl is going to be one lucky one!

Hurting4Sure... I agree with you! When I saw my ex a few weeks after she dumped me, I had started working out again, looked really good, and was carrying a smile on my face. We met for volleyball, where I took an interest in her life and was smiling, being all nice and confident. After one of the questions about her, which she took personally, she snapped, and said "Whatever... you come in here all happy, looking good, working out, gloating...", and all I could do was say that I had been working on myself and learning from my past. I don't think she liked that too much! A few weeks later, we talked, and I was happy, she could see how far I was coming along, and I had told her how from all my reading, posting, etc. I had actually helped a few couples out, and also had a few friends at work reading some of the books I had... and it felt really good. She was like "so, do you want a cookie?..". I just kind of laughed in my head, because I am coming out of this leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 2 months ago. I am doing this for me, and how she handles it is up to her, but I am guessing she is going to take the same baggage into her next relationship!

1. We were in college, I was 3 years older. We dated for 3.5 years, I was going to propose (we had picked out some diamonds for custom ring) on a family cruise in February of that year, but she freaked out after picking out diamonds. She dumped me in May because "something just wasn't there". The last year of the relationship was long distance (she was still in school, 100 miles away) 2. She was 19, I was 24 when we started dating. Things were great, we got into arguments almost monthly though... they almost always went unresolved, as she "didn't want to talk about it". Bought a house, she moved in and out (depending on the argument). Were together 3 years and 2 months. Had an argument (we were both drunk), she couldn't take it anymore, was emotionally drained, and walked away. Big communication issue, coupled with maturity, insecurities, not letting go of the past....

What Babypink said... however, I also am a strong believer in people don't realize what they have until it is gone. To go along with that, some will reflect on things in the relationship and really work to improve themselves. Answers to Babypink's questions will help us out, but if you two do start to venture back together, make sure that you have addressed the problems of the past, and make sure that you have a process in place to address them. You DO NOT want to fall back in the same rut and end up back at square one. Be wise now. Learn from your mistakes! Read up on relationships, how to handle them, how to manage them, how to understand your partner... you won't be sorry, and you will have the tools to build a very successful relationship!

Constant arguing seems to root back to a lack of good communication. I saw the same thing with my ex. We would get into arguments that were over something soooo stupid, and they would get blown up. It got to the point where a stupid comment about paying my part of a dinner bill ended up in a 'in your face' argument where she drilled me for everything that I had done wrong over the past 2 years, and ended up being the end of our relationship. In my experience, constant arguing results due to unresolved conflicts sometime before in your relationship. There are underlying issues that bother you both, cuasing tension, frustration, anger, and resentment. You need to make sure those roads of communication are open and flowing, otherwise one of you are going to get to the point where you are too emotionally drained to continue. At that point, one of you might be happy, and the other just snaps. Would you rather be right, or be happy? Ask yourself that question everytime a argument starts. Read some communication books, and marvel at the positive effects it has on your relationship!

For me, it wasn't due to being in a relationship. It was me having enough confidence in myself, and being comfortable and secure with myself. Like you, when I threw on a pink shirt... I was like, damn, I look good. You will get reactions from certain guys, which made me even further confident and comfortable. When you hear guys say "you're wearing pink", blah blah blah, I saw insecurities with themselves. I couldn't help but laugh. I used to get the same reactions when I would go shop at Bath and Body Works or something like that. Being comfortable and secure with yourself is a big step. Not caring what other people think about you, and being happy with you is key. Gotta love the pink! Ha ha. Have fun at prom!

First, I think you have to be willing to forgive her for her past mistakes. If you truly believe that she is sincere, sorry for things that she has done in the past, and has changed for the better, there is not much more that she can do to prove it to you right now, other than show you through time. You need to forgive her and realize that people do change, they grow, and learn from the past to make their future better. One of the four agreements to a happy life is to 'never make assumptions'. This is important, because your mind will most likely think the worst, and that is going to hurt your trust factor. Be open and honest with her, but don't let your mind twist reality. To an extent, I don't think she can get defensive with you if you question some of her actions, due to her past. She did bring that upon herself. However, through her actions and openness to you, I think you will be able to build more trust, and slowly let go of those past events. It takes two, you two have to work as a team to build this relationship back up and make it a healthy one. Open those roads of communication, and keep them wide open. If you guys continue to focus on the positive and build one another up, I think that you will be able to create that relationship that you want.

If interested, you can follow my posts here: Anyways, a quick recap: Had a gf for 3 years, 2 months. Things for the vast majority were good. I admit, I have screwed up, never cheated, but said some hurtful things, and did some things I shouldn't have. They are all listed in my original post. Anyways, all of this anger, frustration, and resentment built up in her to the point where we got in a stupid argument, and she was done... just walked away. She said she was emotionally drained, and couldn't do it anymore. She loved me (said I was the love of her life, her first true love), but wouldn't believe me when I said I would work harder to meet her needs, as we had fallen back into the same ruts of the past. She had a very hard time letting go of things in the past, and whenever I would screw up, I was sure to hear about lots of things I have done in the past... some 2 years ago. Is there some point after break-up and NC that these bad feelings will reside, and she will start to focus and remember all of the positive things that we had in our relationship. All the good times, support, trips, memories? I just wish that things could have ended for other reasons... things that we could not work on, or change. Instead, communication was something we could have clearly worked on and worked as a team to make this relationship awesome. I just wonder that over time, and space, if she will forgive? Should I just let her go... not contact her, or will she think that I have given up on her? I have told her that I stand behind her, and still love her, and I think that with all that I have learned through reading, talking, posting, I could contribute 100% more to our relationship. I guess the ball is in her court, I just wonder what some of you think... how women learn to let go of those things, how to focus on the good, and if they have come around to see hope in a future of reconciling.

Doyle, been where you have... as alot of us have. For me, my therapy was reading. Learning about myself, and all of the things that I either overlooked, or just didn't know. It has allowed me to totally look back over my relationship in a whole new light, and see things so differently. I don't dwell as much on the past now, and I have been able to forgive myself for my mistakes, as well as forgive her for hers. Our mind is a powerful thing, and being able to use it constructively is key. Each day gets alot easier, although I have found it to be sooo much easier with the aid of reading. Try picking up a few books. I would suggest these two to start: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz They just give you a whole new perspective on things, and will aid you along tremendously in the healing process. They aren't necessarily relationship books, but they will help you in your everyday life. Relationship books ("Relationship Rescue" for example) also opened my eyes up tremendously. It made me see how my actions were contributing, and actions that I could have taken that would have changed things dramatically. I was acting the 'way I knew how', and it seemed logical to me at the time. By reading, and thus learning, I have much more knowledge and will carry that into my next relationship. So the gains are two fold. First, it occupies you, and allows you to reflect on your past actions so that you learn from your mistakes, healing in the process. Second, you learn so much, and will carry that forward with you for the rest of your life, and your next relationship will be that much better, regardless of who it is with.

I think this is a situation that only you are going to be able to answer. Since you were so young when you started dating, I am going to venture a guess and say that you looked to one another for happiness, and kind of became codependent of one another. It seems quite common in younger couples. Do you still have a good balance of family, friends, and your bf? Do you know what makes YOU happy? Does your bf meet YOUR needs? Do you guys communicate well? Do not lose your identity in your bf, and do not rely on him for happiness. You have to make yourself happy and know what it is that makes you happy. When you rely on someone else for happiness, all too offten, they are going to drop the ball, and then your world will come crumbling apart. Work together to make your needs known and work together to build your relationship. Make sure you maintain your identity though! You do not want to sacrifice your happiness to make him happy. This will cause you to build anger, resentment, and frustration which will end up pushing the two of you apart! The key is focusing on YOU. You have to understand YOU. Once you are truly happy with yourself, then you will be able to extend that love for your partner.

To be honest, I picked up a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has totally changed my way of thinking about everyday life, and it has been amazing! I would highly recommend it, as I think it could bring a lot of happiness to everyone.

I can relate to the beginning of your post there, where my ex felt like she was living to make everyone else happy, and that she just kind of burst. I didn't see this, as I was happy for the most part, and without her expressing those feelings of unhappiness or those concerns, I was not as aware as I could have been. How was I to know that all these things were running through her head, tearing away at her emotionally when she didn't open up and speak her mind. How were you to know? How could you help to work at making things better when you didn't know the extent at which these things were dragging her down? You cannot blame yourself here for everything, you cannot work to fix something when you are not aware there are problems. Give her space... let her see what life without you in it is like. Work on yourself, making yourself happy. You may very well realize that you deserve more after taking a deep look into YOU. Try reading, it has done amazing things for me. Try these two books, they will make you view the world in a whole new way: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz They have had such an impact on myself and others that we are passing it around the office, and my family has also picked up the book. It is simple, excellent information to live by that will allow you to see the world in a whole new life!

I can relate to your feelings. The best thing that you can do is truly work on yourself. Reading is what really helped me along. I have read a ton of books over the past month and a half and have learned so much about myself. I also look back at my relationship, and can see much more clearly alot of the things that caused it to end. You will realize that blaming the other is not going to get you anywhere, and that how you contribute in each and every action in your relationship to the direction of that relationship. If you two do work on it, and want to reconcile, I would highly suggest getting a third viewpoint in there. You know how you think, he knows how he thinks. I have found it a GREAT advantage to get a view of relationships from someone who isn't right there in the trenches with you. Pick up a book or two, talk to a counselor. I think it will open both your eyes to alot of things, and allow you to put a process in place that will benefit you two going forward.

He seems really frustrated, in the fact that he seems to be giving and giving and not getting what he wants in return. To me, this seems like a relationship where you two are not working to meet one anothers' needs. It seems like he is working to 'fix' what he sees wrong. Common of men, that is just how we work. What you are needing from him, is to just listen to you, to validate your feelings, understand your emotions. This in turn, is causing you to get frustrated, and in the end, you have two people who love one another, who would do anything for one another, yet are both frustrated and distancing themselves from one another because their meets are not being met. You need to work on your modes of communication. You need to find yourself. You need to make your needs known to him, and he needs to make his known to you. It really sounds like you need to work on yourself for YOU! Only then will you be able to truly extend your love to him. For the sake of your relationship, I would read some books. Two good ones for you are: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz. They will help you wake-up and snap out of this rut you seem to have gotten yourself into. For your relationship, read: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw He needs to realize that 'fixing' the problems isn't exactly what you need right now. Just how men and women work differently. Women work on emotions, men on logic. Always has been instinct, and probably always will be.

Sounds like you really need to find yourself and be happy with yourself. This is a neccesity before you are able to really extend your love for anyone else. If you are not happy with yourself, you are going to project your 'poison' onto others whether you realize it or not, and that is going to push them away. You are responsible for your own happiness, and if you are relying on someone else to make you happy, you will only be disappointed. You need to know what makes you happy, and work with your partner to ensure that you are both happy. You can't rely on them for your happiness. Do yourself a favor and pick up these two books: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz After reading those, I think you will have a different outlook on life, and will be able to offer a whole lot more to your partner. It is a key essential step into YOU, and you will be much better off for it!

Hey rimshot, glad you read the book... opens your eyes to quite a few things, doesn't it? It made me realize how I was negatively contributing to factors in the relationship that I didn't even realize. It also allowed me to see how I could change the direction of the relationship with each and every action I make, regardless of hers. So, you did the breaking up right? You still have some sort of contact with her. If it were me, I would have to be sure with myself that this is the direction that I want to take. Make sure you know who YOU are, and what YOU want. You have to know where the flaws were in your relationship, and communicate them with your partner. If she is willing to work with you to overcome these issues, then there might be a good chance of making things work. The bottom line is that it takes two. You have to remember the good, and learn from the bad. Forgive one another for your past faults, and look to the future to create a great relationship together. It takes two. You both have to work to make your needs known and work together to make sure your relationship builds one another up as individuals as well as a couple. If you want to reconcile, communicate with her. Take it slow. Make sure she is willing to take the same steps you are, and make sure that the two of you don't fall into the same ruts you have in the past! I have some other books that were amazing reads as well, and if you are interested, just let me know. Keep us updated!

Speaking of Dr. Phil.... read his book "Relationship Rescue", it is AMAZING.

heyguys... you guys have to make sure you keep those roads of communication open! You need to talk about the things that bother both of you, but do it in a way that you are not attacking one another. You need to work together as a team to build each other up and create that relationship that you both so badly want. Often, when people argue, they get defensive, and they start protecting themselves. This tends to cause more harm than good. You focus on being right rather than the two of you being happy. You cannot sweep all of your frustrations and anger under the rug, because when you get into an argument they tend to seep out and then things get blown out of proportion. Like I said, you can effectively air these frustrations, anger, etc which can build your relationship. If he cares about you, you two can have healthy arguments and you will work towards meeting each others needs. Make sure that those needs are known! Do you know what his needs are? Does he know yours? How can each of you work to make each other truly happy when you don't truly know what it is that would make your partner happy? Communication is key, and being willing to work together to grow! Good Luck! I am not arguing with you iamteddybear, I just think that sometimes one person has to be the 'bigger' person, and complaining and attacking aren't the most effective way to resolve issues that you might have. If one approach isn't working, sometimes you have to try something else that might help you get the results you have been looking for. Just trying to put a different spin on things, as it seems to me that the methods they were using are not getting the results they desire.

I understand what you are saying iamteddybear. However, by going to the extent that she is, how is she contributing positvely to the relationship? What positive can possibly come out of how the situation is being handled? I am not justifying his actions in any way. I am just saying that when two negative forces are butting heads... how is something positive going to come out of it? Yes, she does have a right to be upset, angry, frustrated, etc... but how is that going to improve her relationship? It won't. Something has to break that tension, that anger, that resentment, and adding more fuel to the fire isn't the answer, thats all.

Sounds like you need to take some actions here losingmymind! While the weight might be the major issue with the sex drive, I am guessing that there is more to it. A lack of sex drive can stem from many underlying issues as well. If you guys aren't communicating as well, her emotional needs, or any other needs for that matter aren't being met, then it will cause her to slowly withdraw. Sex drive is one of those things to go! I would recommend a heart to heart. Really step back and look at your relationship. What are the things that you are doing well? What are the things that you guys could improve on? Are both of your needs' known? Are they being met? Do you have to reconnect with your partner? Are you acting in a positive manner towards your partner? Just remember that your actions will guide your relationship in the direction it is heading! You have the power to change YOU! Would you be open to reading a relationship book? How about a communication book? I would recommend: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw I think it will allow you to sit back and evaluate where you are at, how you have gotten here, and then what you can do to reconnect with your partner. The book is great, and has changed my life!

Amazing that when I started to reply to this post, there were no replies yet.... and when I finished, it appears that we have 3 replies that all are saying very similar things... It really is amazing when you finally realize how much power you have. I wonder why it took me so long to see all of these things? I mean, over the past two months, wow... talk about life changing events in my life. They really should teach some of this stuff in school! Why didn't I see all of this before? Why did it take me so long to really dig in? Why does it seem like so many are just as blind as I was?

This is an interesting question. I think that what people really should focus on, is not whether "the grass is greener on the other side", but how they can make the grass greener within their own relationship. There are countless posts here, and I know even within my own relationship where the general direction of a relationship is one that you would prefer it not to be. Then you cannot help but think... what if... or question why you are where you are. The problem that I see is that most people do not look within themselves and make the effort to make their own grass greener. Is it easier to just think that you have failed and search for greener pastures? That it is not worth the effort to find in your partner what brought you together in the first place? I don't know.... I have found myself in this rut before. I guess it is right up there with the whole thought of "you don't know what you have until it is gone". I have come to realize how much power I have within the relationship, to steer it where it goes. I had to stop looking at my partner for happiness, blaming, all of that negative stuff, and really take the reigns and go! It appears that this is a common theme in many relationships, and many fail because of it. People have to realize how much power they have! How much they actually control to finding that greener pasture within their own relationship. Gaining this knowledge was crucial for me, as any relationship that I find myself in the future will be much different than any one I have had in the past.

Wow.... definitely alot of tension, anger, and resentment here in this relationship. First of all, I would not be placing all of the blame on him. You have to realize that while he might not be the perfect partner, you have a very big role in this as well. You are constantly putting him down, displaying anger, blame, etc. This, in turn, is going to cause him to withdraw emotionally from you. If you always are focusing on the negatives, you relationship is going to move in a downward spiral. However, if you recognize the positives that he brings into the relationship, the good gestures, you are going to build one another up and take the relationship in an upward trend. As you build one another up, it is easier to address the issues that are within the relationship. When your 'love bank' is full, it is easier to talk about and resolve some of those issues. It almost seems like no matter what he does, you are going to reem him out, or find something negative about it. How is he ever going to improve if you are always going to be the first to point out where he is wrong? He is going to just get frustrated and withdraw, which in turn will cause you to get more angry and have more resentmet... see the trend? Think about it in the other direction though... you thank him for the rose (even if you don't like where it came from... but who cares.. its a bush, who cares why he initially planted it, it is a kind gesture from him), you have a nice lunch, you give one another a compliment or two. You both walk away feeling positive. Your relationship is moving in a positive direction. After some time of compliments, positive actions, you both feel good. Those little things don't bother you as much, some problems just disappear... others you can talk more about because you are not both on the defensive anymore. You are happier with one another, love is flowing. Regardless of his actions, your actions are going to help steer the relationship. The blame game will get you NOWHERE. If you can't learn to forgive him for past events, why be there anymore? No matter how much he tries (if he does), he will never get anywhere because you will choose to throw all that stuff back in his face. You guys need to talk, communicate, move in a positive direction, otherwise, no matter how much you love one another, you are going to continue this downward spiral until one of you is emotionally drained and can't take anymore. Read a relationship book! Try: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks You won't be sorry, they have completely changed my views on things, and if it wasn't too late, it would have turned my relationship around. I promise you that this will help you two out! It is well worth it, and you WILL see a dramatic difference in your relationship!