HardShowingAffection

No, I don't get pleasure from looking. I mean, it is not a painful experience by any means, but it is just something that catches my eye, and that is the end of it. I don't sit there and gawk, or the image doesn't run through my mind. Even if the girl was totally beautiful, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. As long as you don't take it too far, and are not disrespectful in the process. Are you supposed to walk around with blinders on? I never compared my ex with anyone else. I loved my ex for who she was, and that is exactly why I loved her. She wasn't perfect, but neither am I... I just felt we were perfect for one another, and that was all that mattered. I think it has part to do with being secure with yourself, and I admit, that I have even had those issues. You have to be comfortable with yourself, love yourself... if you start taking those insecurities out on your partner, you are doing more damage than good. And why would you want to hurt the one that you love? It is silly. This is something that I have had to realize, and am still working on. If you really sit back and look at yourself, and your actions, and the effects that they have, it may amaze you. Love yourself, be happy with yourself, and then you will be able to love another whole heartedly.

Read the book, "The Four Agreements".... NEVER make ASSUMPTIONS. Go off facts, not assumptions, otherwise, you may very well regret it later. Assumptions can get the best of you, in all aspects of life... find the truth.

I would call him back and find out what his intentions are. Or agree to meet with him once and see where things go. But.... after that call, or meeting, if there is not a chance of rekindling the relationship, I would back off and take the time to heal yourself. Don't get strung along, you are better than that. But I think you SHOULD make the attempt. Time to suck up the pride and ego, and lay it out there. Don't overwhelm him, but if he knows how you feel, and you did your best, what else can someone ask of you? But if you don't... that always leaves the door open to "what-ifs". It is a sense of closure for yourself, you can walk away saying you gave everything you had... whether it is willing to grow, willing to give it another shot, willing to forgive, show your love, whatever. You can hold your head high, knowing you gave it your all. Life is good. If they do not want to be there after that, you deserve better.

Sounds like you guys need to sit back and look at your relationship before it is too late. Don't let it get to the point where one of you walks, because then you will reflect back on it, and wonder why you did so many stupid things. If you are both willing to work at things, try picking up a book like "Relationship Rescue". It is an amazing book that will get you back on track! It was a truly amazing read. It sounds like maybe little things are just building up, and you might be choosing to argue about the littlest things, even though they aren't at the core of the issue... just a hunch. Remember to focus on the good, and send the relationship in a positive direction. Each and every action that you take leads your relationship in one direction or another, whether you are the initial actor, or just reacting. You control where your relationship is heading, remember that!

I am going to have to agree with doyathink on this one. If you love the girl, and truly miss her, suck up your pride, set aside the ego and give everything you have. That is the only way a successful relationship is going to work. IF you two are going to be scorekeepers, as in, you did this, I did that... etc. you will never win, and you might as well just forget it. I can understand why you might not feel you are able to trust her right away, nor should you. That has to be earned. Built back up over time. The important thing is that you two need to work together as a team to reach your goals. Make your needs met, and work towards them each and every day. If you are only looking out for you, then the relationship is doomed. Yes, you were hurt, yes, you hurt her, but work together to heal those wounds, and grow stronger together. Both of you need to be willing to put forth your best efforts. Your pride and ego have no place in a relationship, so don't let it stand in the way... the only thing you can do is love.

I don't think guys always want to get back with their exs. My first GF, of 3.5 years broke up with me. We were planning on getting engaged (actually had picked out some diamonds), all that good stuff. Anyways, she left. My first love, blah blah blah. Well, school let out (she was like 21, I was like 23), she went down to Texas for the summer, I was still in Ohio. She contacted on occasion. Well, when she came back for school, we had contact, I was going to be up where she was, and we agreed to have dinner. We went out casually, just had some wings and chatted. Well, after that, it was back to my buddies house, where I was going out with some friends for the evening. Told her she could meet up with us at the bars if she wanted to... she wanted to. At the bars, she was all happy, maybe a bit flirtatious, but it didn't matter. While I was curious as to how she was doing, and wished her well, I didn't want anything more. I was happy for her in her situation, and I was happy with me. She actually invited me back to her place, and wanted me to spend the night... I said.. no thanks. That was that.... This was someone that nobody thought I would ever be over, and to this day I DO think she is a great girl, however, what was done, was done. I had moved on, and am happy with that decision. So, despite her efforts, it didn't matter, I was in a different place. If you have doubts, talk about it with him. Maybe he does still care, but don't make assumptions! They will get the best of you, and make the situation much worse than it is! Being paranoid, or overbearing could cause a strain between you two, and you don't want to put distance, tension, anger, or any negative vibes between you two! Be open, honest, and just communicate with him. That is key! Tell him to put himself in your shoes and see what he thinks... maybe you are overreacting, maybe not... but don't make assumptions!

I would talk to him, and tell him just what you have told us. Let him know that this does not come naturally to you, even though it does to him. Tell him that you want to be open and honest, and that you are willing to work on this, and want to do it, for both of you. He will be understanding, and it is something that the two of you can work on together. Teamwork is key here. You two need to establish these goals, and work towards them together. He can be a very positive part in this experience, and who better to learn with, than your partner?! Sit him down, he will understand.

Congrats on the progress! Just remember that you really need to address the issues the broke you two apart in the first place, so that they do not occur again! Also remember that you contribute to the direction of your relationship with everything you do! Whether it is starting an argument, or just reacting to something he says/does. You determine the direction your relationship is heading. I know it is difficult, and much easier said than done, but you have to be positive! Remember to focus on the positive, that will help you deal with the negatives, and maintain an upward trend in the relationship! Work together as a team to reach your goals and build one another up! That is how successful relationships work!

Are you two the ones that did the dumping? If so, I think it is on your shoulders to do the contacting. Being the dumpee, you don't want to get false hopes, and are probably being a bit protective of yourself after what has happened. I mean, think about how silly it all sounds. You both really care about one another, yet you let pride and perhaps an ego get in the way of communication and seeing if there is a chance of reconcilliation. What do you have to lose? You contact them, and find out they don't want to persue anything? Who cares... then you move on and close that chapter in your life. On the other side, you contact him, you initiate, you see where they stand, and you can possibly reconcile and have a happy healthy relationship if you address the issues that you had before. Life is good. And if you don't contact? Well, you hope that they will, and if they don't you will probably always think "what-if". No thanks. Personally, if it were me, I would lay it out there. If you give it your all, and it is not enough, then you are better off without, but how can you regret that? You did your best, and that is all that matters. There comes a point where you have to set your ego and pride aside, wear your heart on your sleeve, and just love. It feels good, no matter the outcome, and how can anyone ever hold that against you? I mean, seriously, who cares if you are the one trying. If it is what you want, go for it. What is the worse that can happen? Someone say... oh no, she loved you too much, and she tried to make things great. Is that a bad thing? I am one that has also learned this, and have learned that it is better to be happy than right. It is better to love with all my heart than to worry about pride and my ego. Just a lil food for thought. Got a book for both of you that you might want to pick up and read that will open your eyes to a few things. It is called: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Check it out, you won't be disappointed. It is a short read that will change your lives! Good luck to both of you!

I think it is natural for guys to look at other women, to an extent... but I agree in the fact that it should not be constant, drooling over them, or being disrespectful. My ex used to get upset if she caught me looking at someone else, and it would be totally innocent on my part, just a glance. I used to tell her that I just looked... nothing else... and that if she wasn't the one that I want to be with, and loved with my whole heart, then I wouldn't be with her. I mean, it seemed like she would get upset if a music video came on that had skimpy dressed women on.... and I was like... ummmm, how can you get upset, when it is on TV. I didn't understand how I could be in the wrong there. It wasn't like I was looking for it, it just came on. Now, how I handled those situations matters too. If I was like "damn.... she is hot" or "I would love to do dirty things to her", that would be disrespectful and I could see her being upset. However, it was there... in front of me, and I love her, and only her. To reaffirm her of that is important, and all women seem to need those emotional affirmations, especially at times like this. I would recommend this book for you: "For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn It lays out men's thinking patterns, and why they do it. It helps you understand why they do what they are doing, and I think it gives some pretty good insight that you probably did not understand. It doesn't take long to read, however, I think that you can get alot out of it. If you think it is excessive, say something to him. Don't be negative about it though, as he will probably feel like you are attacking him, and he might get defensive. Just let him know how it makes you feel, and see what his reaction is. If he knows that it bothers you that much, I bet he will stop, or at least let up a bit. Communication is key! If he doesn't know the extent at which something bothers you, how can he make the situation better?

I would really be careful with your approach here. Have you really focused on where you guys fell short, and addressed those issues within yourself? It is important to realize that whether you were the cause of the situation or not, how you act/react ultimately helps steer your relationship in the direction that it is heading. You also seem to be stirred up quite easily. Almost seems like you still have quite a bit of anger, frustration, and/or resentment built towards him. If that is the case, you need to release that, and forgive him.... for YOU! If you are not willing to move past things in the past, you will probably hold these against him moving forward in the future, and that is not fair to either of you. If you need more time to grow within yourself, to forgive him for what he has done, then by all means, take that time! You do not want to get back in the relationship, have it be great for a short period of time, then fall back into the same ruts that you ended the last one on! You really need to look at yourself and grow here! This is a great opportunity for both of you to grow! Don't rush back into it. Personally, if I were you, I would pick up a few books, and really dig into yourself, and your relationship. Understand both to a much greater extent. Then you will be able to work together as a team to meet one anothers' needs, and make this relationship flourish!

Communication is key here. If I were you, I would call him up and discuss things. Like mentioned above, if it is legit... ie. school, work, or other important things, you have to understand and respect that. If he is just blowing you off, then that is another issue. I also agree with the fact that leaving is not the correct way to handle things. It screws with both people in the relationship. The 'dumpee' feels rejected and that might build some frustration, anger, or resentment. You need to talk to him. It can leave a bad taste in your mouth if you let it. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is an essential ingredient in successful relationships! Be open and honest about your feelings. If he tends to 'close you up', let him know. He needs to know your needs, you need to know his. You need to work together as a team to reach both of your needs! I would also recommend reading a relationship book or two. Or a communication book to get you on the right track. Get some advice from a third party. But I cannot argue about the break-up being necessary to make changes either. When my ex left me 2 months ago, it opened my eyes up BIG time to alot of things. It caused me to look into myself so much more, and read a ton about everything... relationships, communication, self-help. It changed my world 100%. However, a good heart to heart talk with my ex about those things that are bothering her, her concerns, would have also done the same thing. I would have gladly looked at things a bit deeper, tried to meet all her needs, but that communication was not there. Good luck!

I read a book called "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness". It was a great short book. Some cases were might be pretty extreme, but there were a lot of key points in the book. Basically, what I got out of it is this. Jealousy is a behavior. Behaviors are learned over time. Behaviors can also be unlearned! No matter how long you have entertained this behavior, you have the ability to change it! You control your mind! Granted, your mind is a powerful thing, but you have the ability to change it and make it work FOR you, not against you! Force those thoughts out of your mind. Remind yourself of the good things in your relationship. After all, he is with YOU! If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be there! Remember that! Being jealous or possessive will only push him away and hurt yourself, even though you might feel you are trying to protect and hold onto something you love so much. Pick up that book, it was really good, and I think will help you out alot. I got it on link removed for like $5 used. Well worth it, and it will take you like 2 evenings to read.

Hey, just wondering how things are going with you? I imagine you have had some more time to reflect on things. By the way, if you want a few recommendations on some books that might help you out, let me know, I have read a bunch over the past two months, and they have had a HUGE impact on me!

No problem Nikki, just glad that I can help. After going through what I have gone through, and learning what I have learned, grown how I have grown, it really makes me happy to be able to extend some help to others. If you have a chance, let me recommend two books that I have read that were absolutely amazing: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz They are simple, easy to read books that have totally changed my view on life and the way I look at everyday situations. I would highly recommend them, and think they could have an amazing impact on your life! Check them out, you won't be sorry!

It's allright! If you need to vent, go ahead and vent! The great thing is that you seem to have your life on track again and are taking the steps to move on with your life. I cannot blame you for not wanting to put yourself through any hurt again, and I don't think that is uncommon at all. Once again, there are two ways to look at that. First, you can work to protect your heart, and not put it out on the line again, thus, not risking getting hurt again. On the other side, you can put your heart on the line, risk getting hurt again, but also have the chance of creating that loving relationship you have always wanted. There is no easy answer! Only you know how you truly feel! If you are not willing to forgive, (I don't think you should forget) then it is not fair to either of you to persue that relationship right now. It will just be a source for more problems in the future. Remember that forgiveness if for you! By forgiving, you are not agreeing with what he has done, nor are you forgetting. My feeling is that most problems in relationships can be worked on and resolved if both parties are willing to work on them. What you can't fix is love... maybe I am too optimistic... who knows. I guess I feel that most of your problems and solutions lie within yourself. You have the ability to bring yourself happiness, and a partner can be a great aid in creating happiness, but you cannot hold them responsible for your happiness. It all starts with YOU! Sorry, getting a bit sidetracked here.

It would be for myself. I just don't think I would be able to do that. But that is just me. Although when you are drinking, you view things a bit differently, not that it is an excuse, but you are probably more likely to be open to affection and the physical attraction. You are absolutely right in the fact that at the end of the day, he chooses what he chooses. Just as he chose to tell you. I mean, realistically, he could have told you at a later time... or he could have chosen to never tell you period! We all make our own decisions, some good, some bad. We aren't perfect. Maybe he regrets it, maybe not. I guess the bottom line it that it happened, he told you about it as he felt he needed to be honest, and how you handle it from here is all up to you. I am sure it absolutely tears him apart that you kissed another guy. Not to use this as an excuse, but for alot of guys, messing around, sex, etc, seems to have much more physical meaning than anything else (unless it is with your girlfriend). With women, there seems to be more emotional ties, and that is what will tear a guy apart. Like I said, only you know your situation, and you know him. How you choose to handle the situation is ultimately up to you. Are you considering reconciling? What are some of the underlying issues that would have to be addressed? Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to work towards the relationship? Is he? There is no sense in going forward if it is half hearted. You both have to be willing, and both have to be serious.

That is a tricky conversation. It seems like both of your emotions are still very high and edgy. It is impossible to say what his intentions were, without knowing right from him. Part of me can really see where he is coming from, in the fact that if he felt there ever was a chance of reconciling that he wanted to be up front and honest with you. What if the two of you did decide to reconcile, and at that point, it came up? Seems to me that it would be just as hard, if not harder to approach that conversation at a later point. However, on the other side of the coin, is he the type of person to 'one-up' you, and he feels like he has to share with you that he is doing fine without you and he can find another girl? Judging from the way you put it, I don't think he had bad intentions. I don't know how I would have handled this situation. Although, for me, I don't think I would have it in me to sleep with someone else until I had really moved on, which is exaclty what rnorht was saying. But that is just us. It is tricky... he IS single, and although you two might have hopes of reconciling and getting back together, you cannot put your life on hold for hopes alone. Only you know how you feel about him, and only you can choose whether or not to forgive him for what he has done. If you truly love one another, you will have to figure out how you can work to resolve those issues, and put a process in place to create a successful happy relationship.

Just remember that he cannot change the past. The past is just that... the past. All you can do is remember the good, and learn from the bad. I would reflect on those hurtful things in the past, and learn from them. Make sure that the two of you have learned what you need to from these events. This will help you move on. You will be able to forgive, and not hold those things over him. It is important to address those issues so that you can resolve them, and recognize those patterns if they ever start to resurface in the future. I am a firm believer in how much people can change, as I am a prime example. I cannot help what has happened in my past, however, I have the power to change my future and make the present as good as it can be. Work together to build one another up. Teamwork is key. Build one anothers' love banks so that you feel good about one another, and it will make it all the easier to address past issues and get over conflicts! Good luck!

After reading your post, two books immediately jump into my mind: "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Paul A. Hauck "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz The jealousy book is really good, because it helps you identify your actions, why you are doing them, and the effect that they have. It explains how every behavior that you have has been learned throughout time, and more importantly, it can be unlearned. You have the ability to control your behaviors and the way you think. It will take some time, but you are jealous because you choose to be jealous! It is a good, easy read, that I think can help you out alot. I recommend the Four Agreements, because it does a very good job of identifying simple steps that will change your life! One of those four steps is "Never make assumptions". This is key for you, because your mind is a very powerful thing. Often, when you are not clear on something, your mind conjures up some pretty crazy scenarios, which in turn, creates uneasiness, or creates fear. Why do you feel that way? Because you are probably thinking the worst. You need to change those though patterns. If you have a question, ask. DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS, they will tear you and your relationship apart! Most times, it is simply a misunderstanding, or a lack of communication. Clear those things up.... do it in a positive way! Do not accuse him if you are worried, but bring it up in a positive, respectful manner.

Just a word of advice... never make assumptions. Assumptions will kill you! Your mind works in mysterious ways, and chances are you are always going to think the worst. This will drive you nuts! Unless you know for a FACT what is going on, drive it out of your mind, nothing good can come from it. Pick up this book: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is awesome! Something to live your daily life by that is so simple, and will have a lasting impact on the way you live your day to day life. It has done wonders for me, and I cannot speak highly enough of it. I have passed it around to 6 other people I know, and they all love it at well, and have adapted it into their lifestyles... give it a try!

vjg13, I am going to have to agree with you here. Like everything though, I think it is important to have that balance. Break-ups always suck, but what you take from it is what matters. NC helps you heal, but I also took the time to learn about myself and make sure I wouldn't fall into any of those ruts again. Sure, it is a painful time, but in the end, you are strides ahead for it. That being said... getting out with some friends, and a bit of attention from the opposite sex never hurts anyone! This past weekend, we were out all weekend, and got LOTS of attention. I got lots of positive comments from girls about how I look, how I carry myself, and even a few about what they would like to do to me... ha ha. Doesn't mean you have to act on them... er... yeah... but it does wonders for the self-esteem, and put things in a different perspective. It helps you realize how much you have to offer, and how lucky you and a mate should feel to have one another. I shouldn't be sitting here dwelling over someone that wanted to walk away... there are plenty of women out there, and plenty who would love to have what I am able to give! Keep your head up, always do your best, and in the end, you will be smiling!

Absolutely. The only reason that I have looked back on my relationship and recall the bad parts, is so that I am able to learn from them, and prevent them from happening again in the future. I was a pretty damn good boyfriend, and have a ton to offer a girl. I have forgiven myself, and my ex, and that feels really good. I don't have any bad feelings for her. Since I have been reading, talking, posting so much, I guess now I almost just feel 'bad' for her, as I can see her falling into the same ruts again, while I have learned, grown, and will shine through in the next relationship. I have checked my baggage on a one way flight that I will not be on! I will absolutely carry those good times with me! My whole perspective, and what I used to tell the ex, is "I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it". As well as "You have to remember the good time, and learn from the bad". I guess the whole point of the post was to try and understand why some people choose to focus on the anger, resentment, bad things. I just don't understand where that is going to get you? Just seems like you are bringing yourself more pain... and that is no way to love.

Read this book: "For Men Only : A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn It does a pretty good job of explaining how women's minds work, and how you can work through these things. It seems that even if she blows off your compliments, with due time, and enough complimenting, she will begin to accept them. The book seems to say that women need reassurance regularly, even if they know you love them. Sounds like she has some insecurities as well, that she is projecting onto you. It does get frustrating on your side as well. My ex used to do similar things. No matter how much I told her I loved her body, or parts of her body in particular, she was always self-conscious. She would never let me put my hand on her stomach when we layed together because she had an extra pound or two. I didn't care, I loved her for her, but she did care... I don't know if there is anything you can do but reassure how much you love her for who she is! The book is worth reading. It will help you out. Make sure you keep those roads of communication open, and you remember to reassure her of your love for her.

Yes, I can totally see that. I guess part of me just wishes that you could start all over with that person. You know, it seems like in alot of the posts you read, it isn't until someone leaves, that most realize to the extent that they had been contributing negatively to the relationship. You can't help but think about all the times that you have had together, the good, the bad, the love, the joy. So many times you stood with this person, through thick and thin. Laughed together, cried together. To think that it is over. Then you sit and reflect, you grow after the 'split'. You look at the actions you have taken throughout the relationship, you learn, you grow. For me anyways... there were so many things that I needed to learn. Why didn't I learn them with her, instead of after the fact? I still don't know why she didn't open up to me about things that truly bothered her, but I just know how different things could be. And when you look back and know how different they could be, I guess that is just frustrating.... to know that you hurt someone you loved with all your heart, and you can't make it better.