Nikki23

Hey guys I recently got back together with my ex after 6 months apart. He had been seeing someone for 3 months, we met up were still in love and he finished with the girl a day later. I live an hour away by plane (Im an air hostess so get cheap travel) so that wouldn't really have been that much of a problem. The reason he was so wary about gong back is that he didn't want a stressful realtionship, but when he came down I was working with an hour sleep each night and was very unlike myself, down and overtired. I ended upsnapping at him quite dramatically in the cinema because he had made us late and he has been distant ever since. It was very like the over the top uncontrolled behaviour I displayed before. He says that he loves me but he thinks it is just going to back to the way it was and that we can't get on and that he doesn't want to get hurt by carrying on and having to end it. I feel that we have got off to a very bad start. I was so happy in my new job and things but at the time we got back together I wasn't enjoying my work and felt unhappy but I realise this was just a blip and it always happens when you've got the pressure of not knowing anyone and living in a new place. I also had the pressure of him coming to stay with my family when I knew they had negative opinions of him. We;re going to talk next week, I don't want to lose him again so I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with communiacting with him because this will be it if it doesn't go well! hugs xx

Hey delusion, I really feel for you because I know exactly how you are feeling and it's dreadful! Good words there that 'time will tell', it really will. And I have to add that I said the exact same thing 'not the right guy for me' it is what you say to anyone you don't know that well, it may be true but it will never be as blase as that in his head, there's always pain even if you know it is the truth. I know it's easier said than done but hold your chin up, get out there and if possible get a little bit of attention from the opposite sex (you don't have to do anything) it always makes you know that you are still desirable! There's such a huge world out there (know I'm one to talk) but it's true, there's billions and billions of matches out there for you and you'll have learned so much that you can make your next relationship even better! One of my friends just split up with her man and she said 'I'm gonna die alone with my cat', I had to laugh at this and point out how many people aged over 60 that have never been married?? Not many. You will meet someone right for you and look back on this and see it wasn't right. You just have to take things as they come and keep focusing on working on yourself!! Stay strong. Hugs xx

I sent it last month so that would've been roughly 4 months! He was always willing to talk about things, I just misinterpreted a lot of what went on, as you do! As I said every situations different, I could've sent that letter 3months ago and had the same conclusion or in many cases it won't matter how long you wait because it won't make a difference to how the other person feels.

No I contacted him by sending him a letter. And then he had a think and because we live far away from each other we just met up this week and had a talk about things, that was the first time we had talked maturely about the relationship! xx

Hey wonderfulconfusion, no we still had contact over bills but for the last coupla months we hadn't chatted or anything, he was trying to move on with this new person and I didn't contact him because I was convinced it was over and didn't want to hurt myself by talking with him! xx

Hey delusion, I did the exact same thing, was very immature, made myself unhappy was very unreasonable etc. BUT as time went on and after talking with him I realise there was a lot that he did too! He had moved on, even ben seeing someone for 3 months but when we met the love was still there. We were together 3 years. I think the only way for these things to work out is if you get a lot of time apart and really improve yourself AND if the feelings havn't faded. A lot of people of this forum advocate total NC and were very negative about trying to rekindle things. In a lot of instances this is the correct way to think so that you can move on but it really does just depend on the two people involved. I think you can listen a little too much to the advice of people that don't actually know you and who have been through their own tough experiences which will affect their outlook. I don't mean to be negative about people on here because they really were there for me when I felt down and do talk a whole lot of sense. If you really want to get back with him, I would keep it light, ask if he wants to go for a coffee and then have fun together, mention at the end that you've missed him. If you don't feel that you've improved in yourself or realised exactly the reasons why it went wrong then don't do it. Also think about it carefuly if you don't get the response you're looking for can you handle it?! Do you want to risk feeling the break up al over again? I really believe in no regrets, if you want something you go for it, but aso remember it is a huge world out there with trillions of men in it! My ex said he constantly thought about me and got upset at every song and places we'd been but that he put a tough front on it and forced himself to move on, I would never have guessed that. After 4 months were you extremly close? xx

Hi guys! I was on here a while ago and got a lot of sound advice from people and I just wanted to come back to say thanks and to give a little positive story. We finally had a talk this week (I thought and everyone else thought it was going to be closure but oh how I was wrong!) and we still love each other and are going to try again. I sent him a letter which everyone advised me not to because he was seeing someone and said he's moved on but he hadn't deep down and if I had done it sooner we would have been back sooner. Although I think these 5 months apart have been a blessing because we've both had time to reflect on what went wrong and if we'd jumped back in it would've went back to the way things were. Anyway thanks again because I was destroyed inside and I know just how a lot of you feel out there! It got to the point where I was happy in my life and enjoying my new job finally and as much as I still wanted him back, it wasn't the be all and end all and I think that is the best time to see if there is any hope left, then you will be sorted enough to move forward with or without them! Hugs xxxx

I understand what you're saying! And if this had been a normal relationship where he just went off me or didn't know if he loved me anymore I would agree! But I was very immature and inexperienced in relationships, it was a fiery relationship to say the least, and moved to another country as soon as we split up. I knew after 4 months he probably would have met someone. I can see myself why he is wary, I was when he asked me back after the first month and said no. I realise his answer will probably be no and that will be the push I need to move on and that his text is not very encouraging!! I'm going to be heartbroken I know it, I'll just see what happens though xx ;0) just for you!

Why do you say this NJRon? xx

Hey guys, thanks so much for your support! It's soo lovely that you all rally in to help someone you don't even know! Got a surprising text back though. Not going to get my hopes up because I think I have sent the letter too late (even though I thought I shouldn't have sent it at all!) 'I just read your letter, I feel really confused and like I said before your timing couldn't be worse because I've met someone and I am happy but you've got an emotional hold over me and I find it a touch strange you choose now to bring up how you feel. I need time to think about what you've said because I'm gonna be hurting other people if I did get back with you and that's not fair. Give me a few days'. I realise the response is probably not going to be what I want but I'm actually just glad that I know that he isn't totally over me!

Hey everyone, I wrote a thread about posting a letter, I know it was a mistake but I did it. He is reading it now. I know I'm not going to get back together and I think he has met someone. I'm just right back at square 1, I went against everything that is said here and just dug myself into a hole. I'm just crying and crying, I miss him so much and I want him back! I can't deal with this acceptance stage and I feel like I can't move on, I can't get him out of my head. I thought I was a stronger person than this but I've just made myself look like an idiot!! This is just such a dreadful feeling and I want it to go away! I wish that film 'Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind was true', he was my first love and I can't imagain not being with him, it's killing me, how can he have just moved on and left me forever!! Just needed to rant, I've done this to myself, I've brought myself back down and thanks to everyone who's took the time to help me. In a new place and still finding my feet so it's really good to sound off and get advice when everyones a bit sick of hearing about my dilemmas!! Love Nikki xx

Well I have come on here to late and have sent it!! God, I know it's going to destroy me and I'm not going to like the response! Dear me, I really wish I had come on here first! I'm going to meltdown! Crying right now cause I know he's not gonna wanna go backwards...... * * * *!!!!! Thanks though for your advice guys, just wish I'd read it sooner!!!! xx

He said that he misses me and thinks about me and this is confusing him that I am sending a letter. I know what you're saying and I may be delusional, but there's nothing else I can write after this, this will be it!

Hey guys I really wanted someone's opinion on this letter. I was originally sending a different one for closure but I have changed it. I know everyone will tell me not to do this but I am going to send it, it is my last chance. Any comments would be good!! Thanks xx Hi ****, (I have been in and changed this letter tonight after speaking with you) I wanted to send you ANOTHER letter (I know), basically because the first one was still clueless. Parts of it were right but I didn't fully understand what went wrong then. Went a bit over the top the other day though! ;o) I suppose it should be enough that I finally understand but felt I owed you too, even though it's a bit embarrassing since it is obvious I was still trying to figure stuff out and still thought about things enough to write this letter. It'll just make me feel better. I decided to look into things and try and improve myself. I was confused, when people asked me 'Why did you two break up, I thought you really loved each other?' All I could say was 'We argued too much and it got out of hand, ***** had enough'. When I tried to think about why we argued so much and why, when I had found someone who I felt such a strong bond to it ended, I came up with so many different conclusions. I was a needy whiner, you had anger problems, we didn't respect each other, and on and on. I failed to see the big picture and that is because I was totally inexperienced. So as much as I missed you I just got on with things, thinking that we weren't meant to be and that when I met someone who was right for me it would all click into place, which I don't think is the case. I'm not saying this to hurt you but I want to be honest (As much as I force myself not to think about it I know you'll have moved on with girls now since you accepted it before me), I kissed a couple of guys which was just daftness and then went on a couple of dates, he was nice but I was still too confused and unsure in everything. I started to think that if I was ever to be in another relationship I had to learn how ours destructed. I started realising why and was quite shocked and saddened to see where we had gone wrong. I know it wasn't all my fault but I now know how difficult it must have been to be with me when I had no experience in a relationship and was quite immature. I hadn't grown enough as a person to make you happy and I was holding you back in the end. At the start we were in love so spent loads of time together, always prioritised each other, got jealous and couldn't get enough but I didn't realise that things can't go on that way. We were at different stages in life and we weren't in a healthy relationship where you grow together, adapt, compromise and want what makes the other person happy. I didn't have any long term goals. I floated along and defined myself by our relationship, that's why I took the ending so hard because my whole world literally fell down. I was weak, needy, clingy, unreasonable, a nag and became very resentful. I didn't know how to communicate properly and mistook nagging for letting you know how I felt. If you wanted to bloody go out and take up something new or develop yourself why couldn't I just have been sincerely generous with my love and encouraged you. I suppose your first relationship is a learning curve, you see what you have to do, how to make yourself stronger and how never to make the same mistakes again. Since the emotional stuff was difficult to talk about, I know you waited until you were ready to explode before bringing them up. I now see that meant you had no control over what you said or did and why things got so badly out of hand, but this meant I didn't listen to you. I know that all the stress and frustration you were dealing with at work and all the new things happening in your life meant that you weren't equipped to deal with the situation as best you could either. I know that the way that you were brought up meant you put up a barrier to love and affection sometimes, you had been let down by people who were meant to love you so decided that you wouldn't let people close. I think sometimes you had quite a cold, defensive attitude because of this and I didn't bring the positivity into your life that you needed and feel like I let you down as well. I feel like I didn't listen to you properly, didn't fully get to understand your world, how you were feeling, what you wanted from me, I feel bad about that. I didn't encourage communication, but you were never forthcoming either. I know you felt like I wouldn't understand and I wouldn't have, I would have been defensive and not REALLY listened to you, even though I thought I had. We just resented each other none stop, like a vicious cycle. You didn't want to spend time with me because you weren't happy and I got more and more resentful of that, not realising that you weren't happy. I do know you very well but I want the chance to prove that I love you and want to know everything about you. I could scream looking back! I know the reason that you couldn't be fully intimate with me was because you didn't trust me and that's because I didn't listen to you fully, I thought I was but I didn't take the time to really know what you wanted. You weren't going to open up to me when there wasn't trust and I think I am right in saying that's why you found communicating with me so difficult. I realise that the way you acted and the views and opinions you had were due to different life experiences, I knew this at the time. And you were right when you said that I had a silver spoon (although it was not said in the right way so I didn't listen), I have been fortunate and I did need to stand on my own two feet more. The differences in our upbringings didn't mean we weren't compatible, it just meant that we (mostly me) had to understand where the other person was coming from more and understand the world they inhabit, I now know that is how to love someone fully. I was also wrong with my mum. I didn't have a backbone then and was so confused that I couldn't see straight. If I had realised what our problems were I would have been able to state clearly to her what was wrong with us and that I loved you and wanted to work it out. She never disliked you as a person, she just was wary because I wasn't happy. In your job and especially when you lost it, you needed me to be strong, support you, adapt and let you do what you had to do with encouragement and I acted badly. I wasn't conscious of it because I was clueless and clingy but that was wrong, I just couldn't see clearly, we were stuck in such bad habits. I really wish we had done more things together and experienced new things but I suppose that wasn't going to happen when it was unhappy anyway. And I really wish that when I came back from India we had done some research together and worked through things instead of jumping back into a destructive relationship that hadn't been fixed. Why did you not attempt to have a talk? I hadn't learned anything from that break up. To finish up, I know our relationship ended because we had NO communication, didn't understand each other properly or say what we both wanted. I wish you hadn't been my first relationship and I could have practised on someone else and met you at this point in my life when it could have worked. Everything happens for a reason though and I feel that I've grown and am so much stronger with my new wee life, my job when I start (made a 5 year plan last week which I'm quite proud of), doing my driving test this week and getting a car when I sell my flat. Going to ***** brothers to finally get my portfolio done for the agency and met some really nice new friends. Will also be a fluent french speaker soon with the help of my trusty tape! Ha ha. Also, shock horror! Got off my lazy * * * and been doing loads of fitness with my ipod, got a wee routine going, gym and jogging and swimming. Sooo understand why that was important to you now. Will never be in the position again where my life revolves around my relationship. We really do have some sweet memories to look back on though, little pet names and laughs, like you making faces to scare me and when you used to go in those wee funny moods at night and have that sense of humour that I loved (still piss myself when I think about it). The teasing and winding each other up and the little sayings and in jokes. The closeness we had at times when everything else used to fall into the background and the way you helped me overcome my insecurities and let my guard down. You always had my back and I'll always be thankful I met you. (I have added this bit in.) When we spoke tonight I thought that I was doing this for closure and the more I think about it I've realised I'm not, I don't want to manipulate you or play games. This may be a mistake to put my heart on the line like this but I need to do it and don't want to cower away from it. I realise this is out of the blue for you but I've only just realised I want you back myself. It took time to get everything straight in my head and I know everyone tells you you should let go and meet someone new and apply what you've learnt to them but I don't want to. It's like you breaking up with me forced me to be independent and to grow. I know you say you have moved on but I want to try again. I am in a position to do that now. We didn't clash as people, it was the reasons I talked about. I know you were turned off by my weakness and other things I have mentioned at the time but that was my first relationship and I didn't have a clue. I know you loved me, I could see it in your eyes all the time. And when we broke up or when you realised it wasn't going to work before India the look in your eyes and your tears makes me so sad because I just didn't have it in me to make things work and be sensible, you had the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. I do now and I feel like I've matured and learned so much that I have it in me to love you. I understand why you backed off when you called the month after we broke up to try again, it's because my head was still firmly up my own * * * * and you realised nothing had changed. I know you will be worried about trying again and feel that it is a step backward since you've come so far and managed but give it some thought because it WOULD be a new start and a happy one. If you decide you disagree with what I've written and you don't want to, just be straight with me. Love Nikki xx

yes I agree with Rose. I made the mistake of allowing this to happen because I became too clingy and didn't have enough of a life outside my relationship, this meant his respect lessoned! Do you think this may be the case with you? If not and your a respectful, independent girlfriend, then dump him. He will get a big shock and most probably be on his knees. Then you can decide if you want someone who will respect and appreciate you or you want to take him back. Good luck xx