HardShowingAffection

rimshot and Leigh, your situations sound very familiar to mine. My ex gave up alot for me. It was like she put me at the center of her universe. I almost felt like I had to force her to do something on her own, because she always wanted to do stuff with me, and while I loved this, I feared that she would eventually freak out. She did express concerns that she didn't have the friend network that I did, and that she did so much to make me happy that she didn't focus on her own happiness. When she didn't tell me these things, I failed to notice, and before long, there was anger, resentment, and frustration build within her because she was neglecting her own happiness in persuit of making me happy. There has to be that balance for the relationship to flourish. rimshot, let me recommend a few books to you. Take this time to look into yourself and improve yourself so that if the relationship is salvaged, you have a better grasp of yourself and your actions. "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz Check them out... the bottom two are extremely easy reads and will make you see some things in a whole new light. Reading has done wonders for me, and I cannot emphasize what a positive effect it has had on me.

I guess that depends on what you want out of the situation. If you are hoping to reconcile, that is one thing. If you want to move on, I wouldn't call her. I she dumped you, and is calling now, you have to determine what you want. If you were to call her, and she wanted to talk about your relationship, what would you do? Would you want to get back together? Were the issues that caused you to break up addressed by both parties? You don't want to fall back into things and have the same thing happen to you, because then you are back at square one.

Guys have a tendency to be honest... sometime too honest. I would not take it personally. He was probably not trying to put you down. Most guys say what is on their mind, plain and simple. Your reaction reminds me of a book I just read. It is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz. Read it! It seems like you are violating two of the agreements that will bring you total happiness. The first being "Never take anything personally", and the second "Never make assumptions". Read that book, it is great, and it will change your perception on alot of things! It is an easy read, and will probably take you two nights, but it is AWESOME!

soooo... I have a question for you ladies. My ex said I wasn't affectionate enough, even though I always gave her kisses, said the "I Love Yous", and told her she was beautiful. If you ladies aren't getting the affection that you want, why don't you help your man show you the things that you like? I am not saying that you have to tell him that you want flowers once a month, but most guys just don't think that way, and then it seems like frustration builds up within the ladies. I would love to do all those little things, I just didn't know how important it was, and how much it meant to her. Now it is too late. I mean, it just seems like I see too many relationships where there are so many expectations of one another, but they aren't communicated. It almost seems assumed that men and women are supposed to think alike, and that cleary isn't the case. I wish I could work towards all the things that my ex wanted and got frustrated about, however, I just didn't know. I do now, but its a little to late!

Stay strong Leigh! Make sure you continue to work on yourself. By doing this, you will carry a positive attitude and really feel good about yourself. Your emotions will calm down, and you will be able to think more clearly about the whole situation and look at the relationship in a more logical manner. You need to look at the problems that you guys had, and find out why things were that way, and learn what you can do to contribute to the relationship in a postive manner, no matter what the situation. You will be able to think with a clear head, which is key. Conversations with your ex, should they occur, will then be less emotional, and you will be able to talk in a non-needy manner. When I talk to my ex, I feel really positive. I give her reassurance, and share a few of the things that I have learned. I do feel good, and I want to share with her the positive things that I have picked up. Hopefully, in turn, she will be intrigued and want to improve herself, or want to learn more about what I have learned. At this point, we both win. Either way, I win... because I am way better now, and while I would love to share it with her, I am better for it!

Hey Navigator... women work on emotions... while us guys seem to drive on logic. The emotional part of a woman is something that you need to work on fulfilling and making sure she knows that. For some good insight on the way women think, pick up "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It is a great book that opens your eyes up to some of the things that are important to women. Alot of things will really make sense after you read that, and will help you on your quest to filling her emotional 'love bank'. I think it really helps to understand how women think, and for me, the best way to do that was to read up on it. It has made a huge difference for me. I thought like I thought, because I have done it that way for 27 years.... so it made sense to me. When I stepped out of my own shoes and looked at things differently, alot of pieces came together and made a whole lot of sense. At that point, you have to start taking what you have learned and really make it a part of your everyday life. Good Luck!

I believe people CAN change for the better. When I split with my ex, it was a HUGE wake-up call. It made me dig into myself big time, and in turn, made me a much better person. And yes, like him, it has only been 2 months for me. I have friends comment on my attitude, to the point where they have actually picked up the books I have read, and have changed their attitudes because of the positive 'aura' that I carry with myself now. However, I also agree with frisco, in the fact that, if you two do end up persuing things, you really need to look at yourself as well. You two need to work as a team to make this relationship successful. You need to put a process into place that will allow your relationship to continue in an upward sprial! It does take two... and that means you both have to work. Look at where you have failed in the past, and address those issues. Make sure the roads of communication are open and honest. Good luck!

Leigh, my ex and I were together for 3 years and 2 months. We split up almost 2 months ago. The first few weeks were odd, because we were still in contact, although I never saw her. I guess she was still kind of on the fence. Two weeks after 'the argument' she said she couldn't do it, and that is when I really backed off. Like I said before, I have talked to her maybe a half dozen times since then, and saw her twice... once for volleyball, and once for a concert. It was weird, because at the concert when I had my arm around her at times, and the following day she told me that at that moment when I had my arm around her, "In her head, she just wanted everything to be allright". As did I. I think in her head, she says she is done.... and she won't change her mind right now. I have no idea if she has any thoughts of reconciling. I haven't really pushed the issue... just been focusing on me, working out, looking into myself, and getting my life straightened out. I have come accross that way to her, and am really positive, which I think takes her by surprise. She said she started reading one of the relationship books I gave her ("Relationship Rescue"), so if she is open to the suggestions in there, and sees what I saw, there is hope. Like you, I know that if we did reconcile and give it another go, I have SOOO much more to offer her, and things would be vastly different. However, if that doesn't happen, I will walk into my next relationship a much better partner, and that is exciting. I have debated contacting her, as she has called me a few times, but I am still leary. I don't want to push her away, and I want to give her this time to figure herself out, and see what is truly important to her. Here is the link to my situation: Take care, and good luck!

So, I had a conversation with the ex again on Tuesday. Lasted about an hour, of which I did alot of the talking. Anyways, she was able to open up to me a bit, and vent on one of the issues that bothered her. I intently listened, and when I sit back and put myself in her shoes, I can totally see where she is coming from. When I had some time, I sat down and wrote down my thoughts, and how I see things from her perspective. I guess the bottom line is that we never sat down and talked about this stuff, so it just brewed inside of her... along with alot of other things I am sure. Soo... I have a bunch of thoughts on paper... and I would love to share them with her, however, I don't know what to do. I have been really good about not calling her, as I don't want to push her away, but I would really like her to know what I am thinking, and how I would like to discuss and work at resolving some of these frustrations and concerns of hers. Should I just sit on my thoughts? Let her call me again? Then maybe bring it up? I mean, I am always willing to listen to her, its just that in the past, I closed her up. I have totally worked on that, and see things totally differently now. If we would have ever talked about this stuff in the first place, I am sure 99% of it would be non-issues, as we both want the same thing, we just didn't communicate it effectively.... errr.... back to being confused and a bit frustrated.

Leigh... I can relate to your situtaion VERY MUCH! My ex and I split because, like you, we were finding ourselves arguing too much. It was over stupid stuff as well, which really sucked. It seemed like the littlest annoyance could turn into a full fledged argument. So after our last argument, she had enough, and left. We still talked, and agreed that we didn't want to continue in this cycle. Since then, I have worked on myself. I have done a ton of research and reading, and have completely looked into myself. It has been amazing. I have realized so much about myself, and how I helped steer the relationship where it was going. Anyways, I have no doubt that your ex is thinking about you. It has been about a month and a half for me, and I still think about my ex in some way every single day. On my side, I often wonder if she is still thinking about me, and whether she will ever let go of the resentments and look to reconcile our relationship. It is not a question of love, as we love one another will all of our hearts, and would do anything for one another, however, we jus had these reoccurring arguments, which sucked! Sooo.... it sounds like we are in very similar situations. I have talked to her about 5 times over the past month. She has found 'reasons' to call me, and I have talked to her each time. I have not initiated the calls, as I don't want to push her away, but there is still that part in the back of my head that wonders what my next step should be. I am standing pretty strong, and if she decides she wants to talk, I am going to let her initiate that conversation, and I believe that is the best thing to do. "I wish I had a crystal ball.... and would love any advice anyone can offer on whether or not stubborn men can change their mind once they have a chance to get past their anger and get back to remembering why they loved you..." If you take this part of your post, and substitute men for women, I could have written it myself. From my perspective, I tend to focus on all the positive, while she seems to focus on the negative. I would definitely suck it up and initiate contact if I were your ex and realized what I had and wanted it back. I wouldn't worry about that. I am guessing you will say the same about my situation from a womans perspective... sounds like we are in the same exact boat! Keep me updated on your situation, and I hope for the best for both of us! I would recommend looking into bettering yourself during this period... it will help you along and make you that much better no matter what direction your relationship takes you! I feel so good about myself now, and feel like I have a TON more to offer my relationship with the ex, or any future girl for that matter! Good luck!

I know this thread is a bit old, but I have also read this book. While there are many cases in this book that were far more extreme than my own, this book is awesome! If you have any insecurities, feelings of jealousy, or even if you feel your partner does, I would HIGHLY recommend reading this book. It is fairly short, and will maybe take you 2 - 3 nights to read, but it is definitely worth it! It has also helped me in other areas, as it helped me realize that any behavior has been learned. You learned how to be jealous, whether it was throughout childhood, or other events that happened throughout your life. This beahvior was learned.... this behavior can also be unlearned! Any behavior can be unlearned! You just have to take the power within yourself to unlearn it! It might be difficult, and might take some work, but it can be done!

I would give him his time to think. Don't pressure him, as that might push him away. I would let him know that you are there for him if he would like to talk about things... good or bad, and let him know that you are there to listen. If this is something that he really needs, then there isn't much that you can do about it that will help him. Give him the space. Have a good heart to heart, and then leave the ball in his court. I think that if he has his space, and doesn't talk to you, he will see what you mean to him, and it will help put things in perspective. Let him call you, and contact you when he feels the time is right. I am sure he will be thinking about you, and this should be a good thing for both of you to sit back and reflect on the relationship, and what you mean to one another. Good luck!

With two of my ex's, it was a bit over a year before we lived together, and I think we were just comfortable at that point. One thing that I would recommend though is to talk about the situation. Lay out some ground rules so that you guys don't end up stepping on one anothers' toes causing conflicts, especially if it is the first time not living at home. Remember that the two of you have your comfort zones, and this is a totally new situation, so things will be different. You knew exactly what pushed your parents buttons when you lived at home, and you knew your safety nets.... this is something that will be re-learned once living with your partner. Not that it is a bad thing, but things will be different. Make sure there are open roads of communication, and that you work together on situations instead of against one another. I think living together before marraige can be a very positive thing. On one hand, it can really give you a chance to feel someone out before making that kind of commitment. On the other hand, if/when things get tough when going through some of the trials of living together, without marriage, it might make it easier for one partner to run from the situation. Just thoughts.... good luck!

I agree with Friscodj... it sounds like you really need to figure YOU out first. If you don't know what you want, and what your needs are, how are you to ever expect anyone else to successfully meet all those needs and wants? It might get to the point where your bf is trying and trying, but since you don't know what it is that you are looking for, you will never be happy. Take a deep look into yourself and figure out exactly what it is that you want from yourself. Learn about yourself. Grow as an individual. Once you are happy with you, then you will be able to extend that to others and work to grow as a team. The approach that I took was reading. It has helped me and turned my life around 100%. Try it... I think you will agree. Relationship wise, two books I recommend are: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendricks "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book" by Don Miguel Ruiz All three were AWESOME relationship books. For yourself, try reading: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz It is a simple book that will change the way you look at your life. I have read 11 books over the past month and a half, and it has completely changed my views and I have become so much more knowledgable about myself. I highly recommend it! Good Luck!

I believe that if you two are fighting alot, there are some obvious communication issues. You need to learn how to approach, handle, and resolve your conflicts in a positive way that is going to build up your relationship instead of tearing it down. It seems that you both are 'trying to be heard' instead of listening to one another and working together to find resolution. This is definitely not healthy, and will destroy your relationship in the long run. I would suggest working together. Don't get defensive. Realize that if you want to make things better, you have to act in a positive manner no matter what the situation. If she is venting, listen to her... put yourself in her shoes... validate her feelings. Once you understand why she feels the way that she does, ask what you can do to help her mediate the situation. Once she lets you know, you can also have your own inputs, but you have to work together! Standing firm, raising your defenses, and attacking one another will get you nowhere! Pick up a communication book. I have learned alot from the simple advice that they give, and it will help me greatly in the future. I suggest: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson Especially if you are both willing to work, I can guarantee that if taken seriously, these books will change your relationship forever! Good Luck!

Agreement #2, "Never Take Anything Personal". This is one of the four agreements that if you make with yourself, you will be on your road to happiness here on Earth. I highly recommend reading this book: "The Four Agreements : A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz Great book, and if you can live by the four agreements, you will be one happy person! It is an easy read that makes so much sense and will make you think in a totally different light. Good Luck!

Your quote about the future can also be in hopes that 'the grass is greener on the other side', which might have to do with the mindset you are in about your current relationship. While I don't think it is a good idea to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in, I also look at things from a different stand point now. When things were tough with my ex, part of both of us just wanted to give up. We didn't see things getting better, and always looked to the other person for changes to make things better. What it comes down to is a stalemate in the relationship. You feel like she needs to do some changing, and you are not happy right now. I think what you have to realize is that every action you make in this relationship is going to steer it in either a positive or negative direction. You ultimately can determine the direction of this relationship. You can help her become the gf that you want! Work with her, not against her, and I think you will see changes for the better. I know you probably think you have done all that you can do to nourish this relationship, but I assure you there are plenty of things that you probably don't see, or even realize from your perspective... because it is just that... your perspective. I would suggest hearing things from somewhere else. Talk to a counselor, read a relationship book, talk to a neutral third party. These things help tremendously! Step out of your own shoes for a moment and take a look at the big picture from a different stand. I thought I was a pinnacle bf in my relationship, and it wasn't until my ex left that I really started delving into myself and realizing all the things that I did to complicate our relationship and steer it in the wrong direction. Take a week and read one of these books: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw If I would have done it before, I would not be in the position I am in now. Even if you realize that your relationship is not worth salvaging, I think you will be much better off having read these books! Good luck!

If she does call, you have to be open and honest in the communications. You don't want to be her doormat, you know what you want. Take this time to work on yourself. Look into yourself and find the things that pushed her away, and things within yourself that you can improve upon. You would not want to get back together with her, and then fall into the same ruts.... trust me, it happened to me. It takes two to make or break a relationship. Your actions weigh just as heavily as hers, thereforeeee you need to know how to act/react to every decision you make within the relationship. Learn about you... I cannot stress that enough I was able to accomplish this through reading, and I cannot say enough about that, and it has made me grow as a person tremendously. Take a good look at yourself, and even though you may think that you are 'just fine', trust me when I say that reading things from a different perspective will open your eyes!

I am a firm believer in the fact that people can change. I have done it! For me, it wasn't until my ex left me until I really got the 'reality check' that I needed for so long. Her leaving really opened my eyes to everything that I had been doing both positively and negatively in my relationship. It changed my perception of things, and really enabled me to look within myself for changes and answers. It has been amazing. I agree with friscodj though in saying that it takes two in a relationship. When I had issues in past, and the ex and I would take space, I would sit back and analyze things. Then I would talk to her, tell her I have realized some things that I thought I needed to change, and we would try again. The problem was that I was trying to do things that I saw as the problems. I was changing, however, she was along for the 'free ride'... basically saying "what do I have to lose', if he changes then great, otherwise, see ya. This put a huge strain on our relationship. I was trying so hard, but she was just coasting. It takes TWO! Open roads of communication and working as a team is what is going to nurture a relationship. Not one person busting their rear to make the other happy. You have to forgive them for their past wrong doings, recognize their changes, and help them meet your needs! I truly believe that people can change, and if both are willing to work towards a healthy realationship, that is awesome! I would recommend a few books to you guys, just because they can only help make a relationship stronger and better! Give them a read, you won't be sorry: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw Both have opened my eyes to a whole new world, and have me hooked on learning more about me, and improving me! I cannot say enough about them. Good luck!

I agree with Nottoogreen. This is the perfect opportunity for you to work on yourself. You really need to sit back and take a good deep look at YOU. You need to get a handle on your emotions, and your actions, so that you can bring your best into a relationship. Read some books, talk to a counselor... do something that will give you an outside look at you. When I split with my ex, I did a ton of research on myself, and I can't tell you how good it feels. I often wonder why it took me so long to do this. I am on my 10th book in a month and a half, and it feels amazing, I would highly recommend it, so no matter what happens, you have a better grip on yourself! Good luck!

dazedandconfusedbydestiny, it takes alot of courage to finally reach the point where you are able to give the ultimatum. Hopefully you will remain strong. While I see that your husband needs to improve on needs of yours that are not being met, I wonder how you are willing to work with him in achieving this. If he is willing to work, he just might not know exactly what he needs to do to meet those needs, or is trying, but not doing what you need. Do you think if you guys worked together actively, it could salvage this relationship? Would you two be willing to put a process in place that would bring you two closer together? If you have read any of my previous posts, you will see that I have become a big advocate of reading and learning about how my actions contribute to the postive and negative trends in a relationship. If you two are willing to work together, try reading: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw It was an awesome book that opened my eyes to a lot of things. Especially if you have a partner who is willing to work with you. 16 years is alot of time. A couple hours of reading and a few weeks of these exercises could change your life... and in my mind... I think it is a no-brainer... worth the effort.

Caterina... it is great to hear that you have learned all of these things from your past relationship. You will be that much further along and make that much better of a partner for your future relationship! Quick question though. My ex resents me for things that have happened in the past, and feels that she has not forgiven me, nor that she should forgive me for some things (cheating NOT being one of them). What helped you come to the realization that you needed to forgive to help you move on and resolve those issues within yourself? I am the type that forgives and will not hold grudges, as I see them as destructive within myself. However, she is different. Is this something that you just realized, and cmae to a conclusion that you had to do? Forgiveness is a very powerful tool, so any insight that you can give me as to how you brought yourself to forgive would be appreciated.

Thanks for clarifying that Scotcha... I sent you a PM.

Maybe that email makes it seem like you are really moving on, and ready to move on with your life. The 'finality' of the relationship, when you want to get all of your stuff back, and be finished with the whole situation. He might be having some thoughts and maybe some regret. Like you said though, try not to read too much into anything. I can't help but read into alot of situations as well, but have to stop myself short. Although sometimes I wonder if people are too 'big' to suck up their pride and admit when they have been wrong, apologize, and work to make a situation better. I, personally, have gotten much better at admitting when I have been wrong and apologizing in hopes of putting bad times behind me, however, I am not so sure that my ex is at that point. It seems she hangs onto everything.

Scotcha, what brought the two of you back together? I mean, you split for six weeks... did you go NC? Obviously you two love one another, do you think that is what ultimately drew you back together? Did you talk about your relationship while you were apart? How did you work on things while apart?