HardShowingAffection

To be honest with you guys... this sounds like it is directly from some of the books that I have read. Read: "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "How to Get the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks This is a classic example that is faced by thousands of couples. There is a solution! Read... read... read. If you are willing to work with your partner... key words... work with, not change... I think there is alot of hope. If your partner is open to working with you, even better! I am willing to bet if you read both books, and apply some of the processes within them, your relationship will be 100% different. For the better! If your partner is willing to read them as well, you guys will be a MUCH happier couple, and will probably laugh at the issues you used to have. Trust me on this one... read the books... it will turn your relationship around! Then you can thank me. If I would have known this stuff when I was with my gf, I wouldn't be where I am at now. Good Luck!

This is a very interesting post, because I think I am somewhere in the middle. I feel that NC really allowed me to sit back and work on ME. I had to look deep within myself to see alot of things that I had previously not. If I would have been in contact with the ex throughout this, the lines may have been blurred. She may have some back, or ran further away from me during this process of self-improvement. After some time, many books, many posts, and many conversations, I have changed dramatically. I feel good about myself, and I feel great about my future. To me, that is the point of NC. I did not come accross as needy to my ex, I did not beg and plead. I did what I needed to do, and that was work on myself. Realize why my relationship failed, and did what I had to, to ensure that it would not happen again. I needed to learn, I needed to grow. Contact with the ex may have confused issues and caused me to act more on emotions. I needed to think straight and reach my goals, accomplish my tasks. What steps do I take from here? That is a whole new ballgame. I am at the teetering point, of whether I give her some more time to figure more stuff out on her own, or call her to try and reconcile. We are not bitter with one another, we simply realized there were problems, and the paths that we have taken in the past were not solving them. We didn't want to go down that road again, and while she was the one to break things off, I supported her, because we both didn't want to hurt anymore. Whenever I have talked to her, I have been pretty level headed. I have supported her, while trying not to get emotionally involved. I listened to her concerns, and put myself in her shoes. I have spoken about steps I feel I needed to take and have taken. I felt good coming out of conversations, which I should, because I have made great improvements. I think she is afraid to fall back in those ruts, which I don't blame her. I think she is emotionally drained, and through conversations, I can see how our lack of communication has driven her to this point. I think she still has anger and resentment towards me, and I am unsure if she had let any/all that go yet. What can I do to get over these humps? I am not sure, I guess I can just show her through my actions the steps I have taken and attempt to regain her trust. I can show her how I have grown, and share with her the things that I have learned. Maybe that will help. If she doesn't see this, and does not want to take part in the learning/growing process, then maybe this person isn't worth having around anyways. I needed this for me, if I can help her grow as well, and we can grow together, awesome, if not... then I am still better off. Bottom line is... NC is for YOU. Don't do it to win back the ex... do it to make yourself a better person, which in turn, may help you 'win' back your ex. I cannot emphasize enough to take it seriously... don't act on emotions here... take this opportunity to learn, to grow, to get yourself back and improve. I will never be the same person because of it, and I feel great because of it. Getting back with the ex is secondary compared to this because I know what I now have to offer... whether it be with her or someone else, my next relationship will be great!

I would give him the space that he is requesting. Sometimes some things just get overwhelming, and maybe he just needs some time to clear his head. I am sure that you will be on his mind all the time, and hopefully he will see things more clearly and want to sort things out. In the meantime, I would suggest that you take this time to work on YOU! Reflect back on your relationship, and look at the things that you guys did that have brought you closer or put distance between you. Learn about your relationship, so that in the event you two get back together, you can work to improve where you might have been lacking. I would recommend "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. It will allow you to look and evaluate your relationship in a new way, and can work miracles for you. Either way, you will be way better off for it. Two other books that were awesome were: "The Four Agreements" and "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz. They are both sweet as well, and will change your life! You will be better off for it, trust me!

That is indeed a toughy. While you and "G" took your space, I believe that it does open up a lot of eyes. It wasn't until I lost my ex, that my world got flipped upside down and I really sat back and looked at my relationship in a whole new way. I did indeed change a TON, and would love a chance to prove that, will I ever get that chance, who knows. I guess what I am saying is that people do change. Maybe he does see what he had, and realized he made a mistake. I think if you were to ever consider getting back together with him, you need to truly evaluate the relationship, see where it had its faults, and what the two of you can do together two work together to rebuild a successful relationship. Is he willing to work at it? Are you willing to work with him? Just make sure that you don't fall into the same problems you had before, because then you are back at square one. Pick up "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. give it a read, and see what you think. If this is the love of your life... is it worth losing? Personally, I would try everything to get back what I had with the love of my life, but maybe that is just me. There are options out there... people grow, people change, people make mistakes. It is what you learn and how you grow that matters. Are you willing to forgive him for his mistakes, and how can you ensure that they won't happen again? It does take two, stay positive, stay focused! Only you know your situation, and only you know how you feel, but it sounds like "G" has your heart.

I hear you Texasman... it seems to be an adjustment for you, and that is allright. At least it sounds like you are handling things in the right way, and approaching this at multiple angles. The biggest thing for me to do when things were 'different' is to listen to others and try putting myself in their shoes. Understand where they are coming from, especially if it is foreign to you. You have a handle on this! Keep your cool, and remember to keep it positive! Good luck, and let me know what you think of the books!

If you have some time on your hands, let me recommend two books which have really helped me out with love, and life in general. They are: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz Both easy reads, and give you a different insight on things. They open your eyes up and make you feel really good. Check them out, they are both easy to read, and they have a permanent spot on my bedside table now. They will have an impact on your life!

Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things Texasman.. The key is to be understanding. Maintaining those open roads of communication are key! Never make assumptions about where her head or heart are, discuss the things that might on your mind with her! Focus on the positive, and remember the little things that you do can help her stress level as well! If she is on your mind, and you are wondering how she is doing, drop her a quick text message or a call to just say 'I Love You' and that you are thinking about her. It will put a smile on her face to know you are thinking about her, and help her through her day. It is the little things that make the difference, so don't forget them! Always remember that your inputs into the relationship help guide the relationship in the direction it is heading. If you are positive and loving, your relationship will continue to head that way. If you are not understanding, or negative, you will turn your relationship into a downward spiral! Keep it up, and stay positive!

Yes, the correct balance is key. Make sure that you do those things together, but make sure that you have some time apart... it will make you appreciate one another more. "Dating" is a very important thing, especially for the woman in your life. She needs those emotional connections that you might overlook. Don't forget the simple things like a card, that just says you love her, or maybe a flower... just because. If you have fallen into a comfort zone, she might just be feeling kind of blah... even though you are fine with things. Women work on those emotions! You have to work to fill her 'love bank'! I think a surprise date or two, flowers, a card... any of the little things... just because... will do some wonders for you. Those are the kinds of things that will not only put a smile on her face, but put her in the mood for more! Reignite that spark... find that balance... work to be YOU and encourage her to find herself as well. Let each other know your needs in the relationship so thar you two can work together to meet those needs... and the relationship will once again flourish!

He definitely seems like he needs a wake-up call to say the least. You cannot stay in this relationship in the state that it is in... it is not healthy! If I were you, I would take some kind of action immediately. If you feel all is lost and there is no recovering from what has been lost, then I guess you should probably break up. However, if there is some hope on your part, and you do feel like he would be willing to work on things... lay it out there. You are unhappy, that is no way to be in a relationship. Change needs to happen and it needs to start happening now! Pick up "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw, see if there is any hope. It will take you a few days to read, but I guarantee you it will make you see things differently... maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. But in the very least, it allows you to hear things from a different perspective (as does the advice from these forums). Only you truly know your partner, and what you have been through, where you want to be, how you feel towards one another. Maybe leaving is the only thing that will make him wake-up and reflect upon his actions... but to say the least, you sitting around, getting frustrated, gaining resentment, that is probably the worst thing that can happen. Make some changes, and start today! Good Luck!

"Relationship Rescue" is an AWESOME book rimshot. I am actually reading it again, for the second time in a month. It has so many fundamentals in it, that it really shook me and woke me up. When I finished it the first time, I handed it to my ex and the last time I talked to her, she said she had started reading it. There are alot of things from that book that I really want to absorb and practice. After finishing those two books by Riuz, I figured I would read it again. Like I said, I am on like my 10 book right now, and they have all helped in their own ways. I feel so much wiser and much more aware of everything, it is great. I will never go into another relationship as I did in the past, and never let the same things happen, so for those reasons, I am happy that I got this wake-up call. Maybe she will see the same things, and we can work on it, maybe not. Good Luck, stay strong, and stay focused on you!

Don't act on emotions! Be very careful there. In any relationship book you read, or advice you get... don't place blame on your partner. Sure things might have been better if she would have opened up to you about certain things you were feeling, but she might not have opened up to you because of the way you have acted or reacted to her when she did in the past... it goes both ways. If you have an open line of communication with her, LISTEN to her, UNDERSTAND where she is coming from. Put your feet in her shoes, and genuinely listen to her. I am sure she has plenty of valid points, just as you do. But if you are always waiting to talk and trying to get answers to see things your way, you will miss what she is trying to say! I can't stress this enough as far as listening to her and understanding her. Sure, you might be frustrated, and you might have good reason to be frustrated, but that isn't going to get you anywhere but deeper in the hole. By listening and understanding her, you show you care. You show you are sincere, and she will in turn see that. This is something you need to practice now and in the future! You have to resolve these conflicts in a way that reaches both of your needs. If one of you is always sacrificing, or feeling bad about the outcome, then you will continue this downward spiral, and place even more distance between the two of you! All I can say, is that if you do talk, listen and understand her viewpoints. Re-iterate what she is saying to make sure you understand where she is coming from. Pointing fingers will get you nowhere

I don't know what you can do to prepare yourself. Seems like you have worked to get yourself back on your feet and take the steps that you needed to take to get YOU back. That is awesome for you. You have to feel good about yourself, and I think that will reflect in the way that you deal with her when you see her. You have to show it! Words won't cut it! It might not happen immediately, but just play it by ear. Keep a smile on your face, feel confident. If it feels right, ask her to lunch, it could open a doorway to a new relationship. You cannot make her want to be there, she has to want it. She probably does not miss the 'old you', with the stress, depression, etc. The important thing is that you have grown. If she sees that, maybe she will give it another go, maybe not, but either way, you are in a better position now... for YOU. It will help you no matter what your future holds.

After going through and reading your previous posts, I am going to have to agree with the above posts. You should not be there... you need to find someone who is going to treat you with the love and respect you deserve! Don't let someone like this tear you down. As RayKay said, your partner should be enhancing your life... this is someone who should build you up, not tear you down!

Ha ha ha... rimshot, you got a chuckle out of me. I feel the exact same way after reading so much. I bet you have seen a lot of things that you could have done differently, and reflect back on your actions (which made sense at the time) and see how they contributed negatively to your relationship. The great thing though, is that you see it! You are more knowledgable now, and you will have to work to modify your thoughts and behaviors to make sure that you don't relapse into those negative patterns again! But truthfully, before digging into this, how else were you to know? I was lucky enough to still be on speaking terms with my ex after I had really started reading. She took 4 of the books off my hands, and said she would read them. Maybe she will take them to heart, maybe not. Maybe the damage is done, and she won't want to reconcile, maybe she will have a change of heart. I totally agree with you in the fact that most of our issues would have been easy to address had we confronted them in a more constructive way. However, at the time, I didn't know, she didn't know... we didn't have the tools that we needed to handle the issues with grace and in a positive manner. We were 'living and learning'. I know now... I am better for it. I have encouraged her to read the same books for her.... not us. If she gets out of the books what I have, she will be better in her future, just as I will be... even if it isn't together. I would love another shot, but I can't hold onto that hope, it has to be her decision. But after reading and learning so much, I would have to make sure she was willing to put in the same effort and learn as much as I did, because then we could build that relationship that we have always wanted! Good Luck, and keep on reading! Those books by Riuz are AWESOME! What else have you read? I have many more recommendations if you are interested.

I wanted to add something quick to your post Mike' ca. I agree with what you have learned. NC does help you get yourself back and make you stronger. I have taken it one step further, and that was to learn what I apparently was unaware of as far as building a successful relationship. What I knew of relationships, is what I have learned growing up, and what I have learned by 'living and learning'. What I was not aware of are the destructive patterns that I had played into, either when I was angry, frustrated, thought I was helping, etc. Alot of these things you do not see, because you are just being you... doing what you have done for so long. In your mind, sure it makes sense, but hearing things from someone else.... yeah.... it hits you really close to home. By reading many books and seeing different viewpoints, alot of this stuff is MUCH more clear now. I have been able to modify my thinking process and modify my behaviors so that I will fall into these traps again. Just like before you stumbled accross this forum, you might have thought you were one of a few going through these dilemmas... then here you are... hundreds, thousands of people are feeling just as you are every day. Reading books, reading examples about situations that seem like they were written about your relationship has helped me see things in a different light. You are not alone. Millions of copies of books have been sold about this. NC helps you heal... but I encourage you to take it a step further and learn about building a successful relationship, so you don't find yourself back at square one some time down the road... because you didn't know.

Sobo, it is definitely good that you are taking the time to do those things for yourself. ONe thing that you will have to realize to, is that even if you reconnected with your ex, you still have to maintain a balance in your relationship. You feel good about what you are doing now. You enjoy going out with friends and family. You shouldn't be cutting all those ties when you have a gf. I admit, I have done the same, it almost seems like you enjoy doing everything with your partner. But I feel that it can put a strain on the relationship. Too much pressure on one another to make each other happy, and when things are rough, they get escalated. You need those friends, and your family in your life all the time! Take this time as you are, to find you... to make you happy. IF she does call you again, or you do make contact, and choose to reconcile, recognize the destructive patterns in your relationship and resolve them! Knowing you and your needs will help establish a healthier relationship. Work on maintaining that balance. You don't have to be at each others' sides every minute of the day. Relationships are weird... you are never really taught how to handle them, and it seems to be a big live and learn event. My solution was to read up... I have read a ton, and it has helped me see a ton. I will go into my next relationship a much more knowledgable individual, and have a whole lot more to offer... I would recommend the same to everyone who has run into problems. Good Luck, and keep us posted!

It seems like you really just need to get a grip on your emotions right now. Yes, breaking up sucks... but it is happening for a reason. Until you can address your issues, and she can do the same, you would most likely enter a viscous cycle that is not good for either of you. Let her get her stuff however she feels most comfortable. You need to suck it up right now, and put on that happy face, even if it is not how you feel inside. Be confident, appear happy. Take this time to look into YOU. Your attitude will change. You will see things that you never saw before. After a time of reflection, you will see that you are able to enter a relationship, either with your ex, or someone completely new, with a whole new light. As hard as it is right now, it is what you have to do. The thing that helped me most was reading. Seeing things from a different perspective has really helped me get a grip on things, and change my life for the better. I highly recommend it. Start with these two books and tell me what you think: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz They will change your life... trust me. And they are easy to read. Sometimes you need a wake-up call to change your life for the better. My breakup hurt so bad, but at the same time, it could have been the best thing that ever happened to me, because it made me look at myself in a way that I had never done before. Good Luck, we are here for you!

Yes, words seem to spill out a bit easier when you have been drinking. Maybe there are some unresolved conflicts between you two that need to be aired. When she is sober, why don't you approach her about the comments that she makes? There are probably some underlying issues that are causing her to lash out this way at you. Have a good conversation with her. If it opens a whole can of worms, then maybe it is for the better. Better now, than when all this anger and resentment builds up and she explodes on you.

I wouldn't push it. It is her stuff... if it is not bothering you, just leave it be. Let her initiate the contact and come get it when she is ready. It might give you guys some time to cool things down and think more clearly. If you rush and are acting high on emotions, you could potentially do further damage to your relationship. If looking at it bothers you, pack it up and put it away in a closet. Then you don't have the constant reminder of her everytime you turn the corner. She will come get the stuff if she needs it or wants it badly enough. Once you both have some time to let emotions cool down, you will be able to sit and think about the things that happened to cause your relationship to be where it is. What were the events that happened? How could they have been handled differently? Regardless of who started it, what could have been done positively to avoid the break-up? Take this time to look at YOU. Find yourself again, and find out why YOU weren't able to give your partner the love that they needed. Why weren't you able to fill your partners needs?

Give it some time... you are still very high emotionally, and if you two do contact, it will be an emotionally charged conversation. Like you said, take this time to look at YOU, improve yourself! Let her have her space, and give her time to cool off and see what you mean to her. If I were you, I would really delve into yourself. Go work out, get involved with some friends and family. Pick up a book or two and start reading, you will be amazed at the changes. Then, you will be more level headed, and be able to evaluate your relationship better, as well as put some thoughts together and have a godo conversation. Until you can do that, I don't think any conversation you can have will help you in any way. Let me recommend two books: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz Both are super easy reads, and both will make you look at things in a whole different light. They have helped me out tremendously, and I HIGHLY recommend them.

I think you guys need to learn how to communicate more effectively. It seems like there are some unresolved issues between you two that are effectively causing you to act this way. It seems as though you have some pent up anger, resentment, or frustration towards him, and you pick even the smallest things to get upset about. You need to address these issues, otherwise you will start heading your relationship in a downward trend. Realize that every action you take within your relationship is going to help steer it in one direction or another, and right now it seems to be in the negative direction. Focus on the postive things he does, the things that you really like about your relationship. By doing this, it helps you focus on the love, and you two can build one another up instead of tearing one another down. You need to create an upward spiral and work together to fill each others 'love banks'. This makes it easier to address the negative aspects of the relationship in due time, and in actuality, alot of them will simply go away because they won't bother you anymore. Have a heart to heart with him, make sure those roads of communication are wide open! It does seem these issues are miniscule... don't let them destroy your relationship and put space in between you two! Good luck!

I absoulutely agree with you pablovblack. My ex used to tell me occasionally that I needed a 'reality check'. I always kind of blew it off, because she wasn't very specific with the comment. I looked at it as I have never been handed anything. I always worked for everything I had. I bought my cars, I bought my house, I worked and paid for my college education, etc. However, the 'reality check' that I needed was within myself. It was finding out who I was... and what I was doing. It was looking at the way I handled situations, and being able to love. Yes... I see now, in that manner, I did need a BIG reality check. Why her and I failed to work on this together, is still unknown to me. It took me losing the most important girl in my life for me to see this. If she hadn't left, maybe I would have continued on the path that I was on. People do change. People grow. If you do get back with your ex... it is not fair to hold past events over their heads. You have to remember the good, and learn from the bad. Forgive them... don't forget the events, but you have to forgive them for YOU! To make the relationship healthy, to move forward as a couple. I am telling you... and I am telling everyone that reads these forums... discover YOU! Read the two books that I mentioned in my last post... you won't be sorry. It will open your eyes to so many things. Take this stuff seriously... you might think you are fine, but if your relationship is struggling, YOU can change it!

Rain_Man, I totally see where you are coming from. There were alot of things that happened with my ex and I that I would have gladly changed and worked towards, if she would have spoken up and let me know to the extent at which these things bothered her. I was doing things the way that I knew how, and when she went along with them, and appeared happy, I had no idea that some things were tearing her apart inside. It does take two. There might have been some subtle hints, but in the end, you are not a mind reader. I guess you can try to ensure that the road to communication is open and flowing, however, you cannot change or work on things if you are not aware of her needs. She has to communicate those with you. You need to talk these things through. I was in a very similar situation, and in the end, we split up. I have no doubt in my mind that we could make things work, and that we could be the happiest couple in the world. I just needed to know what was on her mind, and what was bothering her. I was doing what I knew how to do, and in the end, it wasn't what was truly making her happy. I also feel that it seemed mighty extreme to walk away from the issues when it seemed there was a road to success. However, I guess she just didn't want to work on it anymore, and that seems to be the same point you are at. When we split, it was a huge wake-up call to me. Sounds like you are at the same point. I totally took this time to look into myself. I have learned a TON, and am really feeling good about what I have learned. After the emotional highs, I was able to look at the relationship and focus on the issues that were there, the ones that went unresolved, and saw the patterns and behaviors that led our relationship to where it was. This was important, because then I could start to learn how I/we could work to fix those things, and avoid those similar patterns in the future. I did alot of this by reading and talking to others. I was truly interested in learning, and making sure that these kinds of things did not happen again... given another chance with the ex, or any future relationship for that matter. Here are a few books that I can recommend, and they really helped me along! "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz If nothing else, read these for YOU! You will get so much out of them and come out feeling really good about yourself. From this point, you will be able to offer your partner so much more! Good Luck!

I see a few things here in your posts. First, it is important to have balance in your relationship. When you allow your life to revolve around someone else and place them in the center of your universe, when things start getting a bit rocky, it gets amplified. You need to have a balance of your bf, friends, and family. You have to persue your own happiness here as well. Second, It does take two to tango. You might have contributed to some of the negative aspects in your relationship, but how the two of you have handled these problems is going ot ultimately steer the relationship. He sounds like he has been trying to help you get through some of these issues, but I think it is important that you keep those roads of communication open and flowing. I think you really need to take a good look at yourself. You need to explore yourself and really love yourself before you are going to be able to extend your love to any one else. You need to understand you, and what moves you! Grow as an individual who is not dependent on anyone else, so that you are able to love yourself. Try reading, or talking to others. When you get another perspective on things, it puts things in a whole new light. Let me suggest a book for you. It is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz. It was an easy read, but put things in perspective for me and has changed the way I think and feel about myself. I would highly recommend it, and it is well worth the time and the $10 for the book. Check it out, I think it could help you get on the road to happiness! Good luck.

I hear you, and your concerns. Don't be afraid to love. And that doesn't just mean your bf. That means everything. When you have fear, it takes the best of you, and can turns things for the worse. Love like there is no tomorrow. Let me recommend two books for you that have absolutely changed the way I view things. "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz These two books are EASY reads... but their impact can be life changing. The analogies that he makes within them is amazing, and they have become a way of life for me. If I am ever feeling down, I think about the words in these books, and I am instantly feeling better... it is amazing. Try them out, you won't be sorry. I picked mine up used on Amazon for under $10 a piece, and now they both sit on my bedside table. Simply AMAZING! I have also gotten about 4 other people that are friends/family, and they are also working to live out the words in these books.... Good Luck!