HardShowingAffection

babypink61, I couldn't agree with you more! Men are not mind readers! My ex used to do the same thing. I would get the cold shoulder at some point, and then have to sit and sift through my actions the last few hours to determine what it was that I might have done to tick her off. Then I would have to sit and try and pry stuff out of her, at which point she would get frustrated and upset. Finally, low and behold I would find out it was a comment that I made or something I did... but not until it had built up and her and became much more of an issue that it ever should have been. It would have helped us sooo much if when I did something that bothered her even just a little bit, that she would say "Hey, that upset me." And we could talk about it. Although I think the one thing that I didn't help her with is invalidating her feeling at certain times. Like she would ask me "Do you really really love me?"... or something along those lines, and I would be like "Don't be stupid... you know I love you with all my heart!" But I think it made her close up and uncomfortable when I invalidated her feelings with comments like that. Instead, and you might want make sure your partner is aware of this as well, I should have understood what she was asking, validate her feelings, find out why she was feeling that way, and then give her an answer. This way, I knew what she was thinking, where her thoughts were coming from, and then she would know where I stood. Make sense?

Thanks for your sympathy. I am not feeling down about myself. Down about her... perhaps. I am strong, I have taken this series of events to focus on myself and look to where I have needed to improve. That VERY BIG part of me feels awesome. To learn so much about someone (myself) that I thought I already felt I knew everything about, is amazing! Yes, there is still part of me that wishes and hurts because she is not here by my side, but like I have said before, without this, I may have never looked at myself so hard, and that would have led us back to square one. While I would love to talk things over with her, and have her willing to listen and put her heart into this, I cannot expect that. We know what we have/had together, and I am willing to put my heart out there... but she doesn't appear to. Nothing I can do about that. If it is something she is willing to walk away from, there isn't much I can do. Unfortunate yes, but it is the truth. If there was something I could do to let her how different things would be, I would love to, but I don't see that happening. It is just kind of weird when you look back, reflect back on things. I sit and look at how I tried to 'diagnose' her feelings and her wants. To try and work on those things that I felt she wanted and needed. I guess we weren't as good with telepathy as we had hoped! Ha ha. The fact that we didn't communicate in a healthy way took its toll. Can't let that happen again! And that was an 'our' bad.... because if either of us would have sat back and learned about our relationship instead of thinking it was going to manage itself, we would not be at this point right now. Relationships are easy, right... you just jump in... feel things out, and everything is going to be peachy?! WRONG! The fact that neither of us really knew what steps to take to avoid things hurt us dearly. But I know now! I am better for it! I am a better person! Yes, I screwed some things up. And I might have done some things bad. I am not perfect, I accept that. Live and learn. Remember the good, learn from the bad! Our relationship seems alot more simple now. Why didn't I do and see this 3 years ago? To know that you have hurt someone that you love so dearly does hurt. To not be able to express to them that you are trying and how you are feeling, that hurts. Not having them believe you or help you, that hurts as well. To not get another chance with a new approach... yep, that hurts too. I just hope she knows in her heart where my intentions were, and that I was trying, and that I love her more than anything. We did soooo much together, have so many plans for the future, love one another with all our hearts. To work together to reach our goals would be amazing.... to make that relationship that we have always dreamed about a reality... thats what I want! Guess the bottom line is that it takes two... and I am only one.

Yes, jealousy in a relationship is definitely BAD!! When I looked back at my relationship, I wondered if I had shown signs of jealousy or being overbearing at times. While I truly did not mean to, it was/is part of my self-healing and something that I wanted to look more deeply into, and correct if there were symptoms. I grabbed the following book from Amazon for a couple bucks and read it: "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Paul A. Hauck. It gave me some good insight to some of the actions that jealous or possessive individuals display. While my case was not near as extreme as some of them in the book, and many were, in fact, not even present, I did take note of a few actions. Basically, it all comes down to jealousy is a behavior. Behaviors are learned. Behaviors can be unlearned. Just as people can stop smoking and drinking, you can also overcome jealousy. It is a behavior that was learned over time, and no matter how extreme or how long you have been a jealous person, or displayed jealous actions, it is up to the individual to 'unlearn' this behavior. As the partner of a jealous person, you can also do your part to help out. You don't have to put up with it! You can help make the change! While you don't want to immediately attack your partner and make them feel insecure/angry, sometimes this is all that you can do. I would suggest reading the book, it helps. It lays out some steps to help identify why people are this way, how the individual can overcome this problem, and how the partner of a jealous mate can help force 'unlearning' this behavior as well. I would recommend it... it was worth the $5.00. Remember that all behaviors can be changed. You have learned them over time, and just so, you can unlearn them. The key is to be willing to make those changes! Talk to your partner about it! Read the book, have them read the book, and go from there!

My advice is to just lay it out there. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust him with your feelings. Let him know that you aren't 100% comfortable laying all your feelings out there, for whatever reason it might be. Alot of people are afraid to open up about their feelings because it are these feelings that make them most susceptible to hurt. However, I feel that if you don't open up, and he doesn't know exactly how you are feeling and thinking, it could hurt you in the long run. My ex rarely told me what was on her mind, and it led to me guessing about what might be the issue, and what it might take for me to fix things. If she would have talked to me, opened up, and expressed her desires and needs to me, we would have been much further along. It might be difficult at first, because in essense you are going to let your partner know all the things that he could potentially use against you in hard times. You have to trust your partner with this! Let him know it is hard for you! But in the long run, you will be much better off.

This is a toughy. The problem that I have with alot of this is that, in my relationships, I am willing to try all options until they are completely exhausted. It is not a case of infidelity, so maybe your relationship has just gotten dull. Alot of men seem to be ok with this. They fall into a comfort zone, and don't notice/care about the little things as women do. They just need a swift kick in the rear and a wake up call. Have you sat down and really communicated with your husband? Explain your needs and desires to him? Open up to him in ways you previously might not have? I mean, really lay it out there for him. If he is willing to work with you, I would advise you to help him through this. Establish a process that meets both of your needs. If he agreed to go to counseling, but didn't, hold him to that. Force the issue. If your walks after dinner are important, stress this. Help him make the changes that you would like to see, and reinforce those positive behaviors. You fell in love with this man for a reason. You married him for a reason. Who is to say all of that is gone? YOU make the effort to go out on a date with him. YOU take him to dinner. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. I am in not blaming you, or pointing fingers, but so many women just expect their men to do things for them, and feel that they shouldn't have to try, of that the men should just want to do it. Believe me, alot of men DO want to do these things. We are simple creatures and often, just content with how things are. We don't have problems changing, or working to meet your needs, but if that reinforcement is not there, and we don't have an outstreched hand guiding us, alot of times we overlook the simple things. Hope this helps a little bit.

High maintenance.... no, I definitely do not think she is high maintenance. She is very laid back and easy to get along with, and doesn't expect the world from me. If I corrected all of my perceived faults, I don't think that she would pick out more faults. I think the hardest thing for me has been to get her to see that I am changing. I have made improvements. I am honest and sincere in my efforts to change. I don't ever want to hurt her anymore. But the things that have occurred in the past are just that... in the past. We need to look at right now, and into the future. I cannot change things that happened one year ago, just learn from them and try my hardest not to make the same mistakes. But I need her to recognize that, to work with me, to open up to me, to become vulnerable to me again so that we can build together instead of protect ourselves. However, I see that we still do not have the open communication that I would like to have. Even though I am making the effort, it might not be what she 'wants' or 'needs'. But it was what I knew... and until now, I have not known how to get that from her, or communicate more openly with her, I just tried to solve it the way I knew how. I feel like I know a TON more now, and hope that she will take the steps that I have so that we can better understand one another. There is so much that I love about her. The love that we share is unreal. The things we have been through are amazing. When everyone doubted us, we made sure to shine. She is a great girl, we share so many dreams together, and we're working towards them. I have my faults, as does she, but we didn't know how to express them to one another in an effective manner, and didn't know how to resolve them at the time. We both feel we have worked, but still failed to communicate, so we got frustrated... angry... and now I feel like I see the big picture... and she is not to blame, but neither am I. It will take both of us to get back on the right track and make sure we don't fall off, but I absolutely know in my heart we can do it, and be the couple we were in the beginning and have always wanted to be. She is worn down... what makes her think this time will be different than any other? I want to make her the happiest girl in the world. Is it selfish of her not to help me do that, and just expect me to know how to do these things on my own? To help me pull through my faults and avoid future mistakes? Relationships are work, and until you have a successful process to communicate, to heal, to love, to forgive, to listen, you will probably always falter.

So we had a volleyball game last night. My one buddy called her to see if she was going to play with us, and ended up chatting with her for a few minutes. Anyays, he summed it up like this. She is still upset with me, and feels that there are too many things she hasn't forgiven me for from the past, and some she doesn't feel like she should forgive me for. She agrees that whenever we get into a fight, alot of those past issues come spilling out from her. And that whenever we get back together, she sees that I am making an effort, however after a month or so, things start to fall back into the same routine, and she doesn't want to fall into that again. Soooo.... two questions. First off, what can I do, as the one who has hurt her in the past, to aid her in forgiving me for some of those issues? To be honest, I am not even totally sure what they all are. I try and 'live and learn' and not dwell on past events, forgive and try to forget... apparently she is not the same. I would love to talk about these things and help in any way that I could. Second question. How do you make someone who you have 'failed' in the past (meaning, that even though I have tried to make things better, and feel that I honestly have changed, they have not been the long term solutions we needed), that things are different? Like I said, I have been reading, researching, and talking to a ton of people, and feel that I can now be a better, more loving, more communicative boyfriend. Thanks for your support guys!

Thanks for you support guys. I will be the first one to admit, that I am not perfect. However, I will also tell you that her leaving has made me realize that I really need to take a deep look into myself and address any issues that would be preventing me from giving the uttermost love and respect for my partner. While it is unfortunate that this is what it took, who knows.... maybe it was the only thing that would truly open my eyes. I pray that she can forgive me for the past, and look to the future.

I think I hear what you are saying. And don't get me wrong, we used to joke about alot of things, and take some cheap shots at one another... all in the name of fun. However, I believe that there became less and less of the compliments and nice things said, and more and more criticisms (constructive or not), and I believe that took it's toll. I would give up everything that I have for this girl. Be willing to walk away with nothing... but if my actions aren't showing that every day, even though I feel them, think them, want them... it doesn't do much good, does it? We slowly made a transition from building each other up, to too often tearing one another down, intentional or not. She challenges me alot. At some times I hate it, because I didn't like being called out. But for the most part, I absolutely love it, because it has helped me become a better person and recognize some of my faults. It is a strong feature of hers that I admire... she doesn't put up with my crap. But at the same time, I think she holds stuff against me, and while I am willing to try and be better, and work at getting better, I don't feel like those changes are being recognized and appreciated. Yes, I have screwed up in the past. Yes, I am trying to take those negative aspects out of my life. Yes, I am trying to make her happy.... but I need some direction from her... I need a hand to hold through all of this, and I want her to see and recognize how I am working, how I am changing. By helping one another through this, it helps us get to the point we want to be, while also helping her forgive me for past events. Does this make any sense? When this communication isn't being made, I get frustrated because I feel I am trying... she gets frustrated because she feels I just don't get it. Then we end back up at square one. We need to work as a team instead of just trying to be heard.

Well, I also did not know how to handle arguments, and we would let them escalate into yelling, accusing, hurtful words. Eventually is put its toll on my relationship. Once I was on my own, I started doing a ton of research to figure out how I could make things better for myself as well as for my partner. Here is some advice about arguing that I got out of it. From "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson: They call it a "Spoon Tune". Basically, you and your partner have an agreement... no matter how much you argue, or how intense it is, if one of you call the "Spoon Tune" you must agree. This is where you go somewhere and lay down... spooning, or standing if laying is not an option. At this point, the one behind puts their arms around their partner and they begin breathing deeply in unison. This occurs for 4 minutes. After the 4 minutes, emotions have calmed, and there is a MUCH greater chance to talk about things, or you may have realized that they aren't worth arguing about to begin with. By doing this exercise, you have contact with your partner and it soothes you and your emotions. Another exercise mentioned was call "And What Else?" This is when you let the angry partner just vent. The only response the partner who is being attacked it allowed to say is "And What Else?" So the angry partner goes off as long as needed and the other just listens with "And What Else?" Once they are done venting, the angry partner feels good to get everything off their chest, while the other knows where they are coming from. The attackee is not supposed to respond with anything for at least 1 hour, at which time gives him time to gather thoughts and let things cool. Those are two exercises that seemed logical to me, and albeit simple, seem like they could work. Some important things to ask yourself is that no matter if you ARE right... would you rather argue and be right, or be happy? By not letting the argument get to that level, you are salvaging your happiness. Also, in the heat of the moment, sit and think about things you love about your partner, this helps ease tension/pain/anger. Have that list prepopulated in your head so the next time you argue, it triggers those thoughts of happiness and love instead of all the things that you are pi$$ed about. It will help! Two other books that had great argument resolving techniques were: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw I highly recommend reading all three! Hope this helps!

I think one of her biggest gripes, is that I have said I would change, and then somehow we always end back up where we were. To a point, I don't think she believes the words that I say now because of what has happened. She gets frustrated, and tells me "I shouldn't have to make you do these things", or "You should want to do these things". And in all honesty, I do want to do all those things. I just didn't know how to show it the way she wanted me to. I would love to spend 5 minutes at the end of each work day hugging and kissing her. I have all kinds of plans and trips planned for us, it just seems hard to execute them because of our schedules. I was two seconds away from booking us a flight to Nashville to go see Kenny Chesney in concert (I live in Cleveland, OH) and spend the weekend there. How awesome would that have been? Summer is around the corner... she is out of school, and everything is supposed to get easier. My roomie moved out, so now I have my house to myself again, and her and I could do the romantic things that we couldn't before (candlelit dinners, bubble baths, etc). I guess I just didn't know how to handle myself in the interim. Thanks to all the research and reading, I now know. I am WAY better for it. Time to put those thoughts and feelings that have always been there for me to be put into play. I know how to now... I know how to express myself and better our relationship.

No responses or insight??

Great info heyduh.... straight from "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. Probably one of the most powerful books that I have read. I would suggest you read it RecycledTeenager. It will open your eyes to alot of things that could turn your relationship around. You obviously care for this person, but you are not communicating on some level, or just are not fully understanding one another. Read that book! I think it will send you in a better direction, whether it affirms that this is a person that you do not want to spend your life with, or open your eyes to the some of the issues that you may have been missing all along. Either way, it provides a great window into yourself, and what you are doing to help or hurt this relationship. Once I started reading it, I didn't want to put it down. I think I finished it in a week, and it was definitely worth it! Good luck! * Sorry about the wrong reference RayKay!

So here is a link to some of the background on my situation: I have been doing allright since she walked away. It has been hard, yes, and I think about her all the time. I think that my therapy has been reading and discovering more about myself. One thing that definitely got overlooked in our relationship was our communication, and that we didn't seek any outside help. Whenever things got tense between us, we took a bit of space, then I would logically look and see what I had to do to 'fix' the problems. We would come back together, things would be great for a few weeks, maybe a month or two, then we would fall into some of the same ruts. I think it was because we were running high on emotions. There is nothing more that I wanted to do than make a change for the positive, and I was trying. It just wasn't working long term. I guess you can compare it to a diet... or a New Year's resolution. You strive so hard to meet those goals, and then your emotional high wears a bit, until you are back at square one. Well, then I started reading, and I mean, alot of reading. Talk about an eye opener. I guess I really didn't understand myself to begin with, and that was hurting us. Things made sense in my head, and I am sure they made sense in hers as well, so why were we always butting head if we loved each other so much? Well, I think I got my answers through books. Here is what I have read so far: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks "Getting to Yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" by Roger Fisher "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw "Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life" by Spencer Johnson "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson *New books read as of 05/18/06: "The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition : A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Hauck, Paul A. Finished 5/23/06: "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page Finished 5/25/06: "The Four Agreements : A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz - AWESOME! I can't tell all of you how much this has opened up my eyes and changed my views on things. Am I just dense for not knowing some of these things? So much of it made perfect sense. I wish I would have taken this route when problems first starting occurring in my relationship, because I can guarantee you that we would be the happy loving couple that we have always wanted to be. Now maybe it is too late for the two of us. Hard to imagine that the last 3 years and 2 months are just gone like that. Part of me says this is the best thing that ever happened to me, because otherwise, we might have been caught in the same viscous loop. The other part of me misses her dearly, especially when I know we absolutely love each other whole heartedly. I have been NC for 6 days now. We are supposed to have a volleyball game tomorrow night, and I am still not positive what to do. I feel good about me. I feel good about what I have learned. I would love to share what I have learned with her, as I know that it could put us on the right track. If I fail at something, I want to learn. I want to know how to do it. I want to be successful at it. That is how I work.... maybe she will see this in me. She is only 22 (I am 27), so I wonder if maturity has anything to do with it. I mean, I just can't fathom walking away from something after this long without exhausting every possible option. Why is it so extreme for her? All or nothing. Why run from the problems instead of confronting them? Guess my quote from "The Mexican" fits in here: Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough? Jerry: Never. Then I look at NC. If this is the person you truly love, and would do anything for. Do you sit back and watch them walk away? Or do you fight for that person? If you sit and do nothing.... will you regret it? Or do you try everything you can to improve you... your relationship.... your life together? So confusing and frustrating. Guess only time will tell. Sorry for the rant. Just wanted to get some things off my chest. And for those of you who are confused. I would highly suggest reading!!! Find out what you don't know! While I am not 100% at fault here, I now know what steps I could have taken, and will take if the opportunity is there again to make this a happy fulfilling relationship.

Reminds me of this quote from 'The Mexican': Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough? Jerry: Never. ________________________________________________________________ I feel that something brought two people together. And if you have been together for some time, and love that person, that you need to try and find that again. So often that original friendship gets lost. After my recent break-up, I have been reading a TON. One of the best books that I have read is "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. Talk about an eye opener. If I attempted the steps in that book, and still couldn't salvage my relationship, then maybe I would call it quits.... if only I would have read that book before it was too late.

I recently went through a split with my gf, and it was tough. I know the feeling of loneliness, and I often looked at our relationship, and what I thought would need to be done before I would be able to 'fix' it and make everything better. Being a guy, and having that mindset, I had offered 'solutions' to what I thought our problems were. We would get back together, things would be great, and then we would eventually fall into the same ruts. This last time was it for her, and I supported her. The only way that I feel that we can truly heal our relationship is to really examine ourselves and find out what brought us to this point. Instead of pushing blame, excuses, etc. I needed to look at my actions. Why was there anger, tension, anything within myself that would reflect in our time together? Especially when I love the girl so much, why do we hurt one another? I have been doing a ton of reading and research, and let me tell you, i thas made such a huge difference in my life! I started by reading "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks. Amazing book. Then I read the book "Getting to Yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" by Roger Fisher. It helped me understand how to listen better and understand needs/wants instead of always trying to offer solutions. Now, I am on "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw, and I don't want to put the book down! Basically, I am saying that have a look at yourself and the things that you do that lead your relationship down the road it seems to repeatedly head down. You control your destiny. Take control of it. Maybe you are meant for each other, maybe not, but don't get caught in a viscous cycle that pits you two further and further apart..... Hope this helps.

NovaSeeker.... you meantioned some good books regarding improving communication by showing your feelings more regularly. Do you have any specific recommendations? I recently read "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendricks. It was a great book, but I am always up for learning more.

Well, Friday didn't go quite as expected. We went to counseling, and she is hard set on walking away. Even though the counselor was able to show us how some of our actions (or lack there of) have led to the demise of our relationship, she doesn't want to work at it anymore. After the session, I gave her a boquet of roses along with a poem that I had written which truly expressed my feelings and how I was striving to make changes.... it didn't matter. I don't think she believes a word that I say anymore, which truly hurts because I feel I have made significant improvements and will continue to as well. She just holds so many past events/arguments/words from the past that is seems that no matter what I do at this point, I am doomed. I would absolutely love to be able to show her how sincere I am, and do everything I can to make her the happiest girl alive. Over the past few weeks, I have learned so much about myself by reading books (Getting the Love You Want - By Harville Hendricks; Getting to Yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In - By Roger Fisher). There were so many things that seemed logical in my standpoint, and the solutions I offered and worked towards made sense to me, but it seems we were still on different wavelengths. I guess I never truly understood what she wanted and needed. I mean, I did know the problems, but I felt I was working towards them, and putting in an honest effort to bring about change. Communication breakdowns really hurt us, and at this point, I don't think that she is willing to give it another shot. If we could only sit down and talk... to see what she would like to see from me, to know that I am putting my best effort forth, and then eventually be able to forgive me for some of my past shortcomings.....

How did you finally get to the point to where you could forgive your husband? I feel that I praise her quite often, even though she doesn't feel I do. If I tell her she is beautiful, it seems like she shrugs it off, or doesn't take me seriously. I don't remember the last time she said thank you to one of my compliments. We havent really talked about the arguments, because she gets worked up and just says "I don't want to talk about it".... so I don't push it because it will just lead to another fight. This is one of the reasons I think a counselor could help... because we can't talk about the issues until they build up and she explodes. We need to open that road of communication back up so we can move forward.

I agree with you are the lasting effects of my remarks. While I have been very good, and careful about any arguments recently, the arguments way back when about the house and money are still lingering. I assure her, and try to show her that I it is 'our' home, and that I am willing to provide for her without any feelings of guilt, or being in debt to me. And I see your point when you mention picking at her when I even mentioned the makeup. While I truly meant it as a compliment, I could see how what I said tore at her, thinking that no matter what she did, it wasn't good enough. I try to continually express how proud I am for the workload she takes on with school (nursing school), clinicals, managing a job, and everything else that is going on. She is kicking * * * and is a great individual. I try and compliment her more, but I think there is still room for me to improve. I guess some of the things that I see as compliments or constructive criticism are not viewed the same by her. Maybe this is has caused her to close up and not open up to me anymore, which leads to some of our arguments, or lack of affection. I am willing to learn, and want nothing more to make her the happiest girl in the world.

Two other things that came to mind: One day she was wearing makeup, not alot, but some, and I truly think she is a beautiful girl. So... with all honesty, I told her that I thought she was more beautiful without makeup, and that she didn't need it. She got very defensive, and I think views it as a control thing. As in, I don't want her to wear makeup because it makes her look hot and guys might hit on her. This couldn't be more far from the truth, and I told her that. She is beautiful, and I tell her that I love waking up next to her and her being just as beautiful as when I went to bed with her. Finally, she thinks that I don't like her going out with friends. We always go out together, my friends love her, my family loves her, so we are always doing stuff together. She feels I give her a guilt trip when she wants to go out with her friends. I may have in the past, but I think it was because I want to be involved with her friends just as she is involved with my friends, and it hurt a bit. She recently went out with some of her girls, and I was SOOO happy that she had fun. She gets upset about not having the firends she used to, and I don't know if she feels I try to control her or what. Part of me feels like I have to force us not to hang out occasionally so that she will go out with friends... because when we are together, we always do stuff with my family or friends. Not because I am opposed to anything different, just because that is what seems to happen. I would love to meet the girls she works with and goes to school with, but how can I express this? I want her to have a social life and do the bar scene if she wants... but I also love spending time with her, so if she says she doesn't care what we do, obviously I want to do something together.

Well, past events... let's see. First off, I have NEVER cheated on her, and I never will. I believe we have full trust in one another. Some of the problems we have faced in the past. Well, I have always been known to run my mouth, be a smartass. At first, she let alot of the comments I made run off she shoulder. Eventually though, as things started to progress, I think she started taking them personal. I have been working on being more compassionate and not saying hurtful things, and have apologized for comments in the past. Tension would build between us, and in the heat of an argument, I would say something I shouldn't have. For example... when I got my house, she was there busting her rear on it, as was I. Her parents were over helping me paint, her father and I put in a new bathroom, she did SOOO much for me. She never asked for a thing... never. I guess in my eyes, I thought of it as her way of contributing to 'our' home. She feels that she has put so much effort into things, and I won't argue, but she also feels that I haven't shown my apprecition for her, and that I took her for granted. Anyways, in one argument, I blew up and said it was "MY" house and "MY" stuff, and since that time, she has not felt at home, or as comfortable with staying there or moving in because I reacted this way. I assure her that it is 'our' home even though I cover all the bills/utilities/mortgage. Money is not an issue... I just want a home together. I want her to be there as much as possible and express that everything is 'ours'. We built it together. Also in the heat of moments, I have brought up money issues. I try not to ask her to pay for anything, and feel I always try and provide for her. She has never put her hand out, and expected me to pay for anything. In an argument, I would bring up stuff I pay for, the bills, the mortgage, dinners, etc. I think she feels belittled and upset. It is something that I shouldn't have said in the heat of the moment. I tell her I make enough to easily support both of us, and I have all intentions of doing that until she graduates. But I still think these arguments are in the back of her head. Arguments have been a killer here, because a few of them have gotten so intense that those hurtful comments have poured out of my mouth, and I feel we have not recovered from them, even though I truly didn't mean them. I guess I was just protecting myself, which was wrong of me, but I did it, and I can't go back and change that. She also feels that I don't show her enough affection. I hear "Is it so hard to give me 5 minutes of hugs and kisses when I come home?" I respond with "Absolutely not, I love doing that!" When all is said and done though, we don't do it nearly as much as either of us would like to. I don't know what it is. There is no one that I look forward to talking to everyday, and I still get antsy when I know she is coming over. Is this unspoken tension pushing us apart? I wish she could peer into my head and heart and see how strongly I feel... why can't I show it the way I want to? If we ever take space, I sit and look at what I feel is wrong. Typical guy thing. I offer solutions, and we end up getting back together. I try and change (spend more time with her family at her request, etc) Things will be great for a month or two, then one argument, and we are back at square one. All the old stuff gets thrown out there. I don't know how to get her to forgive me, and see that I am changing. I don't know that I have been addressing the right problems, but I don't know how to get her to see that I am sincere and honest when I have offered so many solutions in the past that ended up not being the answer. Tomorrow we go in for a counseling session. I hope that she gets as much out of it as I did my first one. It is amazing to hear a third party's opinion on our relationship, and so much seemed to make sense. But I guess I would like to know, what can I do to earn forgiveness?

I have been with my GF for 3 years and a few months. Over this time, we have gone through just about everything... from me living with friends, to staying at her parents place a few nights a week, to finally owning my own house. During this time, we have had many ups and downs. The house I bought was to be 'our' home. We both put countless hours into it, and she never asked for anything in return. The problem is, I haven't shown her what she means to me in the way she needs me to show it. There are things that she is angry with me about from the past, and these issues come up from the past. I have changed, and am always changing. I have been trying to be a better BF, however, I feel that my efforts are sometimes undermined because old stuff is always brought up. How can I get her to forgive me? To see that I am trying to become a better person and will not do or say the things I have in the past? There is nothing more in the world that I want than for us to have a happy home. I am 27, she is 22. She is still in school, and I have told her that I am willing to support her financially, and emotionally, and do whatever it takes to make her happy. How do I get her to believe me after things have failed in the past? We have agreed to see counseling, and actually get to go tomorrow. I am excited. I want her to know how much she means to me, and work through this together. We both love each other more than anything and would do anything for one another. I have had problems showing my affection, but not because I don't feel it. I would do anything for her, and I have all kinds of plans and ideas for us, I just haven't been able to act on them. The tension from past events seems to put distance between us, which in turn makes it harder for me to feel affectionate. I just want forgiveness and for her to let me show her the BF I have been trying to be. Any advice?