Sylph

Cogito ergo sum. I should certainly hope I real person. Or perhaps it'd be easier to think that my entire life was one cruel prank, rather than a nightmare that teeters on the edge of insanity to dangerously. Oh, and thanks.

Don't think I'm posting here again because I love you guys. I just need an emotional release that goes past updating my journal that three people have veiwing rights too. Now that I've started this I really don't know what to say, to be honest the need to do this built itself up yesterday, I'm only writing this on the knowledge that the need will very likely build up once again soon. My state of mind is worse than ever, for a while in was fine, or more over I was able to escape reality more readily, but over the last few weeks (months, I don't even remember) I hadn't had that opportunity. thereforeeee I find myself in the same old familiar position, stewing in my own thoughts, in the same old place, behind my computer. I'd like to think I've narrowed down the problem, I'd also like to think that I hadn't already known this for an age, but I have. With out giving out my life story, most of my schooling years were spent getting systematically bullied day-in, day-out until people no longer even needed an excuse to make my life a living misery. I guess like all kids who get bullied I developed a mask, an ability to project and 'I'm okay' image to the outside world no matter what I'm like inside. What am I like inside? I'd probably use the words 'Raging torrent of emotion' if I didn't already feel guilty about complaining about any aspect of my life, even if I do it validly, not that I can actually tell. I've been stewing so long inside my own head for so long, just trying to cope, obssessed with this self made mask of calm. Far too affriad to expose myself to anyone in the fear that they might actually see that I can't cope at all, that infact I'm really terribly weak inside, but most of all that they'll all just misunderstand that I mean and be dismissed. The last case is made all the more likely because knowing me if I let down my guard initially I'll look courage soon afterwards and let myself be misunderstood, so that I can go back to stewing in my own thoughts weaker than before. Because I really am weak, I've spent my entire life finding ways to make myself seem stronger, happier than I am. I've done it for so long that so often I'm not even sure what's true about me. Do I actually feel that way or did I just make that up and simply can't remember doing it? What are my opinions, what do I believe? I don't even know. My indentity is forfit and my personality totally inconsistant over time and towards different people. At any rate I recognise that I need help and certainly can't do this on my own, between my crippling anxiety and ineptitude to do much for myself (I'd blaim my learning disability but that's a bomb shell of guilt right there) nothing ever gets done. I'd turn to a friend to take my hand and help me through it but I don't have a friend in the world who I don't know as a physical person, and not via some avatar from the internet. And just so you know, my parents aren't an option; my father barely registers that I exist, I'm pretty sure he never wanted children in the first place, and my mother is an ignorant, controlling thing that seriously thinks I'm still her little baby. She's be the first person to misunderstand and deny my thoughts and feelings as me just being a lazy bastard. The logical thing to be would be move out of here, get away, thought maybe I've spent so long in these four walls that I can barely call "home" that I just don't know any different, the european "hikkomori". I really wouldn't even know where to start. I've run out of things to say so I'll just end it here.

Oh I know, I'm quite depersonalised from that part of me. I'm just exploring possbilities, I see an easy way out and I take note of it. But as I said, I don't actually expect myself to go through with it, it's just a possbility I'm increasingly entertaining. I hate that though, because I know I've been here before and heard the same words. It's always been "a couple more years" and now I'm sort of wondering when a couple more years finishs. It's like the person who says "I'll do it tomorrow", of course tomorrow seems so close but never seems to come because it's always one step ahead. But yeah, it's just impossible to understand the idea that things always get better when you're not in a great position. you know, find something that makes you happy, and just do it. don't think about the things you don't have, but, rather, enjoy what you do. that sounds so cheesy, but it's practical, it works. Again, I think my want of a relationship is a little more than depersonalised. I know it's probably not a great idea to start any kind of serious relationship when I'm in this state of mind. I'm just craving the good things that go with it, mainly the good feeling when you're getting to know someone that feels stress free and awesome. I'm quite content here really. I'm confident that I've already been exposed a more than basic level of philosophies. Studying Philosophy at AS level did actually enlighten me to the world of philosophy despite what my exam paper says. Always, since I have to skoot off to college in a couple of minutes I'll give a basic description of my idea to do some creative writing. It's a pretty basic idea that utilises any kind of blogging service out there, the idea is to create a journal for a character that contains flat, formal stlye enteries and then underneith each entery you have more writing which acts as window to these events. The idea is that the entries are updated in accordance to the days that pass in the fantasy world, so anyone keeping up with the journal finds themself having a much more personal relationship with the character. This also allows for many plot devices and cliff hangers, especially if they haven't heard from the character in a couple of days =3

I didn't really want to start out this rant with a sentance like the one I'm about to jump into but I can't think of another way to put it; I think I'm getting worse. Or maybe not worse, just different. Suicidal thoughts have reached an all time high (I should still point out that I don't have any intention on killing myself), increased urges to spill out every detail of my life to complete strangers, huge increase in wanting a romantic relationship, my appetite has all but gone and I've become extremely sensative to other people's emotions. I guess the first two are pretty self-explanitory, they're just an increase on something I already had. The second is a little more odd... Now I know it doesn't exactly sound odd to want a romantic relationship at the age of 18 but this is me, I thought I'd completely gone off the idea of romance. I don't even believe in love existing. To be honest I think this is just part of the last change in me, my sex drive has complely gone (it wasn't that high to begin with) to be replaced by a want of a relationship. I think this has also been triggered by the fact that for the first time I God knows hold long I've actually had a long conversation with someone I haven't met before. Up til now I've only had very brief encounters with new people that usually end no contact due to lack of interest. But that's pretty normal for me, I know I'm not easy to talk to because I'm never the one to inniciate the conversation. The people I do get on well with I usually get on very well with at that. I guess just having a long conversation with someone that actually wanting to talk to me reminded me of fonder times. Next on the list. As I said, I've noticed that my appetite is waning... It was never that active to begin with but now I find myself going hungry but without having any desire to eat at all. I usually end up eating one meal a day and maybe two glasses of water to drink, I know this probably isn't very good for me but so far it hasn't stopped me from doing anything. I'm just trying to figure out why I don't want to eat, it's not because of personal appearance. I generally don't worry about how my body looks to other people, even if still feel extremely unattractive I'm certainly not worried about getting fat. It's just odd. Onto the last piece of subject matter. As I say, I've become overly sensative to what other people feel. There's no way to put it into words, I just can't help but feel what other people feel, these usually aren't very positive emotion. It doesn't matter who it is really, I don't even have to know then, they could just be characters in a book but whoever it is I'm getting fired up or depressed over it at times. This itself just makes me annoyed and angry at myself, to think that I'm getting emotional and even a little attached to other people. I'm actually getting jealous over other people's successes, mainly in their love life/relationships. And lets make it clear, I hate jealously. It's a really screwy emotion that people only suffer because of. Again I tried to think of the source of this. I've started reading a lot more romantic doujin that normal but that doesn't seem like the cause of the problem, more of a by-product. I certainly don't see it as anything unhealthy. But you know, I guess I'm only left with one sneaking suspicion to the cause of all this. A part of me doesn't want to die. It's coming close to date I've planned to get all my problems out into the open and frankly I think I'm freaking out a little. Several times recently have I just wanted to scrap the whole idea and go back to leading my screwy little life in this place, even now that sounds really quite attractive. Quite naively I'm having to come to terms that sections of how I think might be fundamentally wrong, this is a little daunting because frankly my mind and everything inside is all I have. I've spent a long time trying to get my philosophies and out looks on life straight, to think that some of the bigger ones are flawed isn't something I like the sound of. It's difficult to explain now that I reread over what I just wrote. The bottom line is that I know I'm just setting myself up for more hard times, I just know no matter what I'm still going to be going this road alone, it's going to be long and hard and probably won't get any better until after a long hard slog. On a slightly more positive note I'm actually getting a bit of writing done. I started doing a little Role Playing at another message board, something I'm usually pretty good at because I don't have to think up every single little detail on my own. Saying that I have been playing with a new idea for some creative writing of my own, it's an interesting project to me but I won't go into it unless anyone actually wants to know.

There is no evil, nor is there any good. They are concepts that we as humans made up so that we may apply them to objects and situations in a manner of generalisation. Nothing is good or evil by nature. Fluffy kittens aren't innately good, and savage wolves aren't innately evil, they just are. We may call someone a 'good person' but this, in my mind, is wrong, good people are still some how more than capiable of doing 'evil' things all the time. And visa versa. To me the idea of evil spirits or the devil working against humanity just sounds like a device to shift the blaim away from some people and onto some abstract concept.

Pre-cum has a higher concentration of sperm in it than ejactulated cum. Just so you know.

Oh well, I spent a while on and off over the last few days forming a few megre attempts at making a poem. I could never get past the second line without turning the entire exercise into a joke and thus deleating it all. I get extremely insecure about anything I write creatively and usually just deleate whatever I do come up with. Yeah, whatever. I haven't been eating that well lately so I don't have much of the energy I need to do another mini-rant I was planning on. I'll update later in the week.

Okay, I know this sounds stupid but if you're pregnant I'm seriously going to be more reserved about my own sexual habits. If you've been using protection correctly and this has happened then that worries me to no end, if I were to get someone pregnant my life would be over. And I'm not even slightly joking when I say that.

I've never even found it while fingering, not that I've searched. You're definitly not going to get your penis down that hole for sure.

Blood flow to the penis also takes blood away from your other organs which will explain why you might feel queasy or uneasy before sex. The power of science!

Well you're still young, a lot will happen in the next four years. Perhaps it doesn't seem like it but four years is a very long time while you're still a teenager. I don't want to offend you but it seems like a bit of a pipe dream to me, you don't even need to move to Japan to get a job working on manga. I assume that's what you want to get a job as, working on manga and doujinshi. It's certainly not called "comix" FYI. I just think you're approach to this idea isn't developed enough, it's not as simple as 'Move to Japan, Get a job, Forfill dreams.'

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia / Sesquipedalophobia - Fear of long words. Best. Phobia. Ever. And no I don't have it, it just caught my eye. EDIT: Panophobia / Pantophobia - Fear of everything. Papaphobia - Fear of the Pope. Oh dear, I'm taking too much enjoyment out of this.

Sounds like a much less extreme version of SCAT fetish. But it's the first time I've ever heard of it. I can't say it's exactly that appealing to me either...

I don't think there's anything normal about your father. Don't think for a minute that he has any justification for his actions. Oh and good luck with the legal procedings.

*Laughs* Yeah, I've been playing WoW pretty intensly on and off since the Beta version. I know how horribly addicting it is too, there's just something about it that makes you want to get to the next level or find that rare Scholomance drop. The only reason I've found myself stopping after a while was because I never had an account of my own, someone I know decided to share their account with me based on the fact they only used it on the weekend. Of course after they while they decided to stop playing and since I can't afford an account I had to stop playing too. I just realised I don't actually have a point here. I'm just going to say you're not alone in the slightest with your WoW addicton. People have left their families to continue playing this game, I'm quite serious about that, there's articles about it.

And people think a national health service is a bad idea, yeah right. Well it's obvious that you're in a bad situation, first off your depression is important, just because it's not something physically you can touch it doesn't mean it's not important. I suggest if you can't get medication then you look into doing some reading on coping techniques, even if it's just a short term solution. I don't know much about charities in America (I assume you're in America) but perhaps you can look towards them for help. I know you and your family isn't like in a trash can but it's safe to say that you're not in a good position. It does sounds like your family needs the support and hopefully that's what matters.

aggierocker, you've made this thread before... And people posted in it.

Thanks, I don't know what else to say. It's difficult to believe that when I can't seem to write for any kind of creative purpose. The only time I seem to show any talent in writing is when I write about what I'm thinking. As I've said before, train of thought is easy for me to place onto paper. I'll think about. That's all I can promise. I've always kept away from poems, there's something fundamental about them that doesn't gel with me. I just can't do rhyming couplets and that's the only way I know how to write a poem. I'm just much more comfortable saying exactly what I want to say in a straight forward manner. I mean, as I said, I'll give it a try but don't expect... well, anything.

It'd bet he's doing it too hard, most inexperienced guys seem to think that harder equals better. Which defies all logic unfortunately.

unfortunately business and education doesn't like people who think differently to the linear form thinking we're taught in. The short answer would be yes. Because of dyslexia I'm very spacially aware of my surrounds, the fact that dyslexic people think in images (it's an odd concept, I know) only helps this on. The problem is that at this point I really cannot afford to start again and go down another line of education. I spent a year failing AS levels so I switched to ICT Support with a modern apprenticeship in mind. After the level 3 I'll have spent a year working on that. As I say I can't afford to start again and go into something else, what I need is to start work.

I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not actively looking. The closest I have is a " * * * * buddy", we get on well on a friend level. I enjoy doing things that make my forgot about reality. I read books, I play games anything that'll help me forgot. All my free time in spent at home, on the internet. I get a kick out of the weird and the wonderful, I like to find niche things. Artwork, music no one has every heard of, forgotten little things of time gone by that hold their own wonderful creativity in them. It's difficult to explain. I'm a fan of everything abnormal would be the best way of putting it.

I've never considered a course in writing, no offence but from a dyslexia point of view it screams bad idea. I have brain cells right now wired to kill themself if I ever undertook something like that. I mean, I don't know what a writing course would actually involve... If it was writing out how I write then sure, I could do it but the only writing course I can think of would be journalism. I am sort of tied up with my current course... despite having days off... I dunno, anxiety doesn't want me to try. I'm affriad dyslexia can't be over come. I mean it can't be gotten rid of. Tom Cruise is dyslexia, he's always been and always will. He's just been able to use the abstract benefits dyslexia provides and put them into acting. I know there are more intellectual types that are also dyslexic, Albert Einstein and Richard Branson (head of Virgin and the hundereds of different companies under that brand name). You can only push against dyslexia and hope you can push harder than it can. I know I won't kill myself. In some ways I'd like to but I'm sure I won't.

Thank you, people tell me that but I don't think much of it. I can't perceive any other way of writing. I go to college. Three days a week working at an 'Level 3 ICT Support' course.

I'm so sick of this, this repatition of feeling. I'm so sick of being conflicted on every single little decision, every single little thing I have to expend so much effort into just to do the simpliest thing. I'm just sick of everything, there aren't any other words to express it. Just this deep resent towards things that don't have any substance. I can't take dyslexia anymore, I just can't. I hate the way it turns the smallest little thing into such a mind bending task and I just have to deal with it. People just can't understand what it's like, there's no way they can unless they've experienced it. To be stopped time and time again because of some learning disability that you can't control any aspect of, it's so horribly unfair, it tears me apart every single day. I work hard, I work so hard, I believe this so strongly. But to have to put in three, four times the effort and end up getting nothing out of it. Why isn't anyone doing anything about it? Why do we have to live in a world where some people have to struggle their entire lives because they can't learn under the same model as everyone else? What year is this!? This is 2006 and something fundamental is being over looked, we're forced down this stupid * * * *ing factory line, one size fits all and if you don't fit the mold then you're defected. Throw it away and pretend it doesn't exist. That's what I feel like. I feel like the small child trying to hammer a triangular block through the square hole with a plastic mallet. It's like that every single day and if I don't make those thoughts fit through the hole I fail, I suffer, I'm the failure. It's so hard! I could scream that to everyone I meet and they'll nod their head, they're tell me they understand but in they end they don't. When it comes to the crunch they're just waiting to put me down, to make me feel stupid, to make me feel like it's my fault. Like I'm just some stupid, lazy kid who can't do anything for himself. Upto the age of 16 I've had to accept that I'm stupid, that I am just a lazy good for nothing. Now I know the truth I'm not any happier. Nothing has changed. It's so frustrating. So depressing to know I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling to be successful, to know that the only way I'm going to get anywhere is to work harder everyday than some people work in their entire life time. I just wish that for one day I didn't have to deal with it, just a couple of hours where I don't have to bend my mind in every direction to understand basic concepts. But I can't have even that, not one day off. Ever. Ontop of this I feel crushed constantly by depression and God knows what else. You have no idea what I'd give to just be normal, to not have boxed in so tight. I'd give up everything I have to start over again and have a mediocre life with friends and family, to do the most basic of things like go shopping. Dear God how I want normality so much, please, anyone... I feel so empty like this, so full of hate and fear, confidence and anxeity, confusion and level headedness. I want to but I can't even cry, how stupid is that? In the privacy of my own room, away from everything in the world I can't even bring myself to cry for being so conflicted. I can't go on, but I have to. I don't have any other choice, I can't even bring myself to kill myself. God knows I know how, so many hours have I fantasized about killing myself. Glorious death, glorious freedom, right in front of me. It would be so horribly easy, yet I won't. I never will. Despite all my struggles I fear not existing, I have to live but... why should I? I have no reason to. I have nothing to look forward to. The best I can look forward to is the fall out of man kind, the only solice I have in life is the death of man, there's something seriously * * * *ed up with that. Do you know what the worst part is? The moment I post this thread nothing happens. People might reply but nothing in the world changes, every day will still be the same old struggle full of the same old sickening feelings. Life does not work how we want it to but life can't be this be like this for everyone, am I the only one this * * * *ed up? So full of frustration and things I don't dare say, not even here. Even deeper down there are thoughts and feelings that I can't express, they are mine, exposing them would leave me more than naked... Yet, I want to. None of this probably makes much sense, I can barely understand any of the thoughts that pass through my head. I'll just stop now, I can only ramble from here on.

I think you're right to worry about pregnancy but I'm sure you see now how easily all that worry was gotten rid of just by taking a simple pregnancy test.