Beyondthesea

Marriage happens long before there is a ring and vows. It's a decision in the heart and mind. And if it's not there, it won't be there even after the ring. Agree 100%. There was something very different (good different about the relationship my fiance & I share. We were 'married' already and he talked openly about it with me, that's how I knew we were very committed to each other. In a relationship like I have now, I would have waited 3 years tops. I've been in longer relationship before, and I was so focused on marriage, that I lost sight of that the relationship wasn't good and we weren't clicking the way we should. Hope that's not the same for you.

Unless he gives specific directions about what he wants that you aren't doing, tell him to bite it. That's my advice. My fiance & I give each other hints in bed..."honey try this" etc and that's great instead of resenting what the other is doing. There's no need to come out and be a jerk about it. Really hon, there's deeper issues rooted here, but that's something we'll all go into later I'm sure. Certainly you cheated but either he has to forgive and forget or the relationship won't work out.

I honestly hope you will too. I read that book "he's just not that into you," and I really suggest you do too. I read it more for a man's input on a variety of issues not because I was feeling that way at the time. Pick it up and read it. Reality is sometimes the best medicine. But be sure to ask yourself: how much longer are you willing to wait? That's the real question. I really wouldn't wait too much longer, unless you're willing to be together 12 years and then one of you walks. Point overall: if you are ready for commitment, if you are ready for marriage, if you are ready for children...you might be ready, but that doesn't mean he is.

Honestly honey, how much longer are you willing to wait? 8 years is a very long time to be just dating someone. Why won't he commit to you? That's the problem. If he is indeed one of those 'everything has to be perfect' people, you will never be married, and you will always have a life where you are trying to make everything perfect because no progress is made otherwise. Yuck. If it's because he just isn't ready, it's probably that you two just aren't meant to be. Any man who does the "i'm not ready" thing normally means "i'm not ready to get married to YOU." Sadly, it's the truth. There's a book called "He's just not that into you." It's true, and it's comical at the same time. I can honestly say to you honey, that you are completely wasting your time. If you tell him "we have to be engaged by 6 months from now", 6 months will come and he'll tell you "another 6 months" and you'll stay. That is the recurring theme in these situations. To be quite blunt, I would walk. I would walk, and if he doesn't come back with a ring, he's not the one for you. That's the simple way to solve this.

Im not sure if shes afraid to lean on me again, or if she can't because of the other feelings she has. Personally I think it's because of the other feelings. If she was 100% sure about you, she wouldn't hesitate to go back. I'm sorry, I really don't think it will work out

Saying they want to date others equals they want to break it off, and they have someone else in mind.

I really believe he's just making excuses. IF A MAN WANTS YOU If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending.. compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

RW, I think it's just because you're so afraid of being stepped on again. In honesty, I think this new woman is a Godsend. Why not hang out with her? I am like you though, I would rather keep to myself and not have a lot of social activities going on, but that's not good for you. I force myself to do something social once every few weeks, period. I phone someone up and go out even if it's only for an hour for coffee. The key is to keep yourself active socially so soon you don't feel apprehensive about it.

You won't take 10 years to get over this, guaranteed. Certainly you are hurting right now, but you will get through this. Your 15 year old daughter is more than capable of taking care of her little brother for a few hours a day to help you out. Make some time for yourself, and also, i would start looking into legal issues as well. He should be paying child support and dividing up the marital assets. Divorce is in order in my opinion.

I'm a firm believer in the 2 year rule. If a man is going to marry you, he will propose within the first few years. What would it hurt him to propose and promise you that one day you two will be married? There is no reason. If he wants to marry you in the future, he would have proposed. You don't have to be married tomorrow. After 8 years, if he hasn't proposed I would assume he is not going to. My advice? Propose to him yourself. If he says no, you have to walk. You're ready for marriage, and if he isn't, he isn't the one for you.

I would call and arrange a time that you can go and get your things. TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU. Do not go alone, or you will be tempted to talk things through. Honestly honey, I'm so sorry you are suffering so much with this.

I've always been a firm believer that closure comes from within yourself. Agreed. Unfortunately you will always feel there is something left unsaid.

Personally I have gone back to people/they've come back to me after breaking up, and it never worked out. From my experience I would now never go back after a breakup. What's broken should stay broken. If the relationship was strong, it would have resolved the issues concerned.

Honestly, this relationship isn't worth this much stress is it? You are quite young to be having this bad of relationship problems. Staying because you love him isn't always a good idea. I think it's more that you are trying to prove to him that you aren't a bad person, and that's an addiction, not love.

Honey, what you need is to realize that no matter what you did or did not do, no matter how drunk or not he was, he is still a jerk. I've read your other posts...you are not happy. Why do you torture yourself with him? I want to tell you that I have been there, and if I could do it over again, I would have left instead of trying to resolve the unresolvable. He will not change, he does not love you, and he does not love anyone. If you contact him, you're going to cave in and go back. Save yourself the time and move on.

He worked hard for that house, you said so yourself. Imagine having to start all over again after you have worked so hard for something. He isn't being unloving, he is being reasonable. He'd have to leave his job, life and home he has worked hard for. It will be stepping backwards for him. Why don't you go and not worry about it? If he really loves you, he will follow. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

Agreed. There's no point. You two are done, just accept that and move on.

Yeah kidney infections are nothing to play around with, I'm glad that you went back to be seen again. Those antibiotics are bad but not as bad as being in pain. HUGS TO YOU!

Hon you sound like you are having obsessive thoughts. That's a form of anxiety problems, I have it too. I think all sorts of obsessive things about becoming ill and such, and it's very distracting and emotionally painful. What you should do is have a word with a counselor, and see if your thoughts can be managed with self care or if you need medication. I actually don't use medication, but have 'self care' and interventions that I use when they come up so I don't get really upset over them. Talk to someone. You're not crazy.

If you have a gut feeling, don't ignore it. That's something I've learned over the years...

should i trust this an give him another chance ?? Honey, this guy just hit you out in public, then came to your house and attacked your FATHER!!!!! Do you really think he is going to change??? I had an abusive relationship with a man before my fiance, and I wasted 7 years with him. I will tell you this from the bottom of my heart: If he really loved you, it wouldn't have mattered he was drunk. He would NEVER EVER treat you like that. His being drunk brought out who he really is inside and gave you a preview of what he is like. Within 6 months, that is when an abusive man starts showing his 'bad side.' Of course he has to be nice to you at first or else you wouldn't have stayed this long. If you go back now, things are going to get worse and worse and worse. Guaranteed. I know, I've been there. I know you think "oh he's different" and all sorts of things...he's not. And counseling? My ex went to anger management and counseling, and still came home and hit me and abused me. They don't change, and why? Because it's who they are inside. Period. Counseling can teach someone to not show their anger to others. Counseling can teach someone to 'hide' who they are, especially when they are abusive. So what good does that do? Nothing. Here's something I want to emphasize: No matter how much counseling someone goes through, that does not change who they are inside. Overall, here's the jist of this: underneath, he is a mean, miserable and possessive person. Why would counseling change who he IS INSIDE? It can't. Nothing can change that. Believe me, I take psychology, and I can honestly say that a person's behaviors can be altered for a short time, but in cases like this, not permanently. God is giving you a choice of which path to walk down. Take the one without him. I wish with all my heart I would have. It only gets worse. link removed Go to "articles" then "identifying losers in relationships." Read this article, top to bottom. This is written by a psychologist who helps abused women. He lays it out on the line, straight up. "If your boyfriend/girlfriend hits you, destroys your things or pushes you EVEN ONCE, leave." Read that article.

Wow this guy is absolutely mental! Get a restraining order! He just gave you the start of a horrifying abusive relationship with him, and full out demonstrated what a life with him would be like. Drunk or not, he is absolutely nuts and I'm really glad you parents witnessed it first hand so you have no choice but to move on. I was in your situation before, and I stayed. 7 years later I left because it was always as you posted there, nice one minute psycho the next. Be glad you saw this now before he killed you later on.

Honey, why do you honestly believe you deserve so little? This guy is just plain trash. If he loved you, you wouldn't have all these issues with him, and you sure as heck wouldn't have walked in on him doing it with another woman. Period.

I was actually told to pee before and after sex. What really works for me is preventative: i take cranberry pills, vitamin C, etc. The key is to keep the bladder acidic on a constant basis so that no bacteria can live in there. That's what my doctor told me. I find though that within a few days of being dehydrated (not drinking at least 6 glasses of water per day) I get a bladder infection.

You should have found some improvement by now. I get bladder infections allllllll the time. The medication they give me that works every time is called Macrobid. It's a yellow/black pill that works specifically for bladder infections. If your regular ones aren't working, go back. You shouldn't be in this much pain, there's simply no need for it. And you're going to laugh but try this. Go to the store and buy alkaseltzer. "huh?" you say. It's been proven to start curing bladder infections. URINARY TRACT INFECTION: Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use. I'd just like to emphasize as well that if your back is hurting, it could be progressing to a kidney infection. Time to go back to the doctor honey. Kidney infections need different medication to help you...maybe that is why it's not helping.