octopus

yeah, he's gotta do more than a phone call for sure. he either begs, or you go on with you new bf. but lucky you - a dream for most of us here has come true for you!

Hello all, Today is a week after I moved out of his house, and we've had NC for the entire week. A summary of how I feel: I miss him soo much, day and night, it drives me nuts to think he might be going to his ex (he probably isn't), or just available for any other woman in the world but me, but I've decided to move on and not physically see him until at least my birthday in April. Then I may or may not want to see him, but I'm assuming at least I'll be healed. Today he called to say there are still some things I forgot to take at his place and a bunch of mail for me. He said "Do you want me to drop those off to you real quick?". I thought for 20 seconds or so, and said : "Keep the mail, and throw away everything else. If you could put my mail in a big envelope and forward it to me it'd be great." He said ": Are you sure???" I said yes. Then he asked whether I was excited about my trip to PR this weekend. I said yes and he started telling me where he went last year and where I should go and what to see, and while he was still talking I said "That sounds great, but I gotta go. Talk to you later, ok?" and he said OK and I hung up. Did I sound like a mature, confident woman? I don't know. But if he had any desire to see me today, I destroyed that. I did not make myself available. I hope that I gave the message that I'm not always there anymore. By cutting the conversation off early (it was like 5 mins) did I give him a message saying I was busy and didn't have time for him? I hope so. How do you all think I did? Now I started thinking he'll never call me again for anything because I sounded so determined... Ahhh why can't all this just be over???

Just a comment here: If it were you who'd lost the spark, I bet you'd be wanting to date others and not waste your time with that girl when you think you could love more out there. I'm in the same situation as you, maybe worse because I know my ex won't come back coz he wanted a 'clean end' instead of a 'break', but when I put myself in his shoes, I think I'd do the same.

Curly, IN this book I read called "It's called a break up because it is BROKEN" it says to do strict NC for 2 weeks even if you have your stuff there. I think this is to avoid falling apart when you see him/go there to get your things. 2 months is a LONG time and at least it would help you do things gracefully... Good luck..

limited contact

I was the dumpee. So I'm writing this from that point of view. I still have hopes that NC or LC will let him understand I'm completely out of his life, and maybe he'll miss me or realize that he isn't as happy without me as he thought he would be. So if, at the time of break-up, we'd said "We'll talk in 30 days", I think this would have given him some sort of power, some thought like "She's there, waiting to get back with me...I'll see her in 30, 29, 28.... days..." or "Oh I have to see her in 3 days...". So although during that time it is possible that you completely heal and forget about your ex, it is also possible that you meet him/her with the hopes of hearing something you wanted to hear for 30 days, and you won't. I guess telling yourself 30 days and NOT informing the other would have been better; especially IF you were the dumpee. Good luck and keep us informed.

Hi Dan, I don't think those mathematical formulas work in these cases. I want to say that the more you understand the reasons for other person's decision, the lighter the pain gets -- BUT this time the angrier you get. At least that's how it's been with me: I understand that if he couldn't see a future with me, and he thinks biologically he needs to get married and have kids soon, he didn't want to 'waste' time with me, go out and look for someone new and invest his time and energy in that new person. I finally understood this. That's why I don't feel as much pain, but I feel very angry - how can I not; after all he's taken me out of his life... Are you doing NC or LC? And I can't imagine what it must have been like to have kids, and 17.5 years together... God help you; all I can say is that life goes on. Stay strong for your kids.

Hi Dan, we'd met in may and moved in together in August. I'm sure 8 years isn't the same as 6 months, but I had fallen in love, so the pain wasn't any different. Good luck to you, I hope it'll heal soon. da

Hi Curly, I am usually a very strong person too. I've lost 6 people in my family to cancer, I had a murder in my family, my mom has cancer etc etc and who thought a man would give me such a trauma! I couldn't eat or sleep for 3 weeks, from 135 lbs I'm down to 120 now I don't know if what I did to forget it is a good example but approximately here's what it is. First night, and two weeks later I cried and I begged. I gave him a long list of logical reasons why we should keep seeing each other, and his coldness and the fact that he looked into my eyes and mentioned his ex (whom I'd met) hurt me SOO much. (He said: "I've been in love before with C... and I want THAT in a relationship") Then I slowly started thinking even if he came back to me now, would I want him? He doesn't love me - he loves HER. The thought of them getting back together drove me nuts. Anyway, I read Greene's Art of Seduction, which quickly listed a lot of the mistakes I made in our relationship (such as moving in too quickly, taking him for granted etc). I also read Barbara de Angelos's "Are you the one for me" and Greg Behrendt's "It's called a break-up because it's broken", which I must say was GREAT. I went out to dance, although it disgusted me, I danced with other men. I started swimming every day and I sat down and made travel plans for January and February. I also spent 3 weekens at friend's homes, because I did not want to go back to my new, lonely apartment. As time passed, I understood that he didn't hink I was the one- and accepted that fact. If it was me, I'd probably do the same thing.... SOmetimes 2 great people can come together, but instead of growing together, they grow apart. It's so very painful. It's so painful that he chose to go out and date all over again instead of working on our relationship. But what is there that I can do? Like LiquidCherry said, if I call him every time I want to tell him YOU'RE A FOOL, he'd lose all his respect for me and never come back. Oh Curly, be strong. You are going to get through this. At week 2.5, I was dead, I was dsyfunctional, I thought it was the end of my life. DOn't call him/see him, and as much as it hurts, eat someting and keep yourself busy, don't stay indoors if you can. Think of it as a disease, it will heal. And your remedy is time. Also, keep asking yourself why you're upset over someone who's taken you out of his life. Let him be alone and realize he may never meet someone like you again... PS I should add that after 5 weeks I am able to take an objective look at my relationship and all the signs I ignored along the way. When his ex called, his phone rang with a different tune, he still had keys to her house (I think she broke up with him about 2-3 months before we met) and he still has a parking permit to park in her neighborhood. I realize now he was not over her. I feel used, be he gave me 100% when we were together, so I can't say much. But his heart wasn't open and maybe I didn't ask enough questions or read the signs correctly and led myself into something that wasn't meant to work anyway. That is all it comes down to: He didn't want to love me; he wanted to keep loving her

Happy new year to all enotaloners! It's been 4.5 weeks after he broke up with me, and after the MISERABLE first 3 weeks, I've started getting myself together.I read books about break-ups and relationships and this forum of course, I talked to family and friends, I did LC and planned the future months. (During that LC every time I spoke to him/saw him was a major setback.) It's been 4.5 weeks now, and I think of him and my heart aches, and I get upset, but I'm excited to go back to my old life and I feel strong, I feel excited that I might meet someone special again - although I do NOT emotionally or sexually feel open right now. My question is, he broke up with me, because he was unsure that i was the one. He said he "really really" liked me and maybe even loved me, but he was unsure. The day I moved out, he was sad and he said maybe he's crazy for ending our relationship (that was 4 days ago). Now only 4.5 weeks after the break-up, I feel so much stronger and hopeful, does this mean he feels even better and he's already over me and looking to date? Could it be possible that he's regretting and depressed? Of course I still have feelings for him, and I would like to try again. SO I'm just curious to know if it's possible that while I accept life without him and move on, he might actually realize he misses me more than he thought he would?

Hi there, I just thought I'd share a few things with you since I've been waxing myself (as is common in my culture) since I was 15 or so... Waxing your private parts hurts, but it can hurt less if you do it right. Will you do it yourself or have it done? If someone else will do it, you have no control over it, and it will probably hurt a lot since they can't control how you feel and they'll probably hurry up to finish you up and take another customer. Make sure you cut your hair down to about 3/4 an inch before you attempt waxing, because the longer it is, the more the wax will stick to other parts you weren't trying to pull, and that's really what hurts! Start out slow and from the sides, and pull little patches at a time. Never try to pull hairs that don't grow in the same direction - you will only create ingrown hairs and irritate your skin. It's also another good idea to do a little the first day, and continue on the second day if it's too much to handle all at once. I have seen men who expect you to be hairless down there, and I've seen men who love it the natural way. It's hard t know, but personally I like having little or no hair since it's cleaner. And I would never use another method besides waxing, because the hair that grows back afterwards and the time it takes to grow back is just not the same... For me, it's worth the pain. If you PM me, I can tell you a whole lot more from my own experience... It does hurt, but thinking of all the headache it will save you for 3-4 weeks, it's well worth it. it's just another one of those things you get used to.

Hi All, Tomorrow will be one month since he broke up with me. Today I went to his place for the last time and packed up my stuff and moved it to my new apartment. While packing up, I saw a book in his library called " Are you the one for me?" I forgot who the author was, but you can be sure I'll be reading that this week! It had a blue cover. I want to say he almost seemed sorry, and he's told me he's been depressed and tired for the 1 month we haven't seen each other. When it was time to say good bye, I told him "I am heart broken but I understand you" and he said " you know, like you said, maybe I'm crazy for ending this, but..." He didn't finish the 'but' part, I figure it would have been something like "but it didn't feel right" or something. While I was in NC before, I felt sooo much better. Now that he's said this, it got me thinking again "would he regret it, would he come back, would he call, would he miss me" etc etc and it's a set back analyzing those 12 words... I want to be free of him and his ghost While I wish you all a happy new year, I want to remind those who are struggling that NC is good for you, and if there is or isn't hope, it's a win-win thing to do NC. Also, I just finished reading Greene's "Art of Seduction" and in it it says that "it is possible to re-seduce someone after the magic is gone, but it will only happen with a clean break up and some time after that" --> Just a good message for those who want the ex back, and feel that NC is eating them up. Clean break-up means disappear from their lives! Be patient, if it will happen, it will happen without trying. Happy New Year.

Curly, I can't even imagine what it is like to lose someone you love to cancer. And now you're going through similar feelings having lost your lover. All I can say is, there's so much more to your life than you think, and don't give up hope. It will get better. It has to. Stay strong. Write to us here. You are not alone.

I think your ex is just trying to be friendly. Sorry but don't get too excited because there's nothing in the email that suggests you should. He's trying to be civilized, I think you should reply with the same degree of 'friendship'. Good luck.

Just wanted to scribble a few thoughts of my own to this topic again... I know you all are out there reading, and it's great to know I'm not alone. I'm home in Europe now, for a week, far far away from him and being with my friends and family, I'm doing some *objective* thinking.... I've realized today that most of the threads which are kept like diaries that involve one person wanting the other back, have sad endings. If it's been 3-4 months of NC for them but they've hoped their ex would come back or stayed in contact or stayed as friends, they're still not over the ex. They're still suffering, living as though the ex is the only way out. So i guess bottom line: NC is good and it is necessary. It is hard as hell, you want to scream and say "Why did you do this to me? ", "Couldn't we have done this differently?", "Give us another chance" etc... but the more one keeps thinking about that 'one more chance' that might never come, the longer it takes to move on. For me, it's been 3.5 weeks, I've been doing limited contact and focusing on other things, and besides the anger I feel, I'm hoping I will be able to get over him completely in another 3.5. I realized I feel the anger because (probably just like yall) i) I like having someone in my life; someone to call and talk to, someone to go home to, someone to travel with etc... Maybe I just like being in love... ii) he filled a big spot in my life that I didn't want empty. He was my life partner in a foreign country, he was my friend, my brother, my lover. He was with me in my near future dreams (not necessarily marriage) and by taking himself out of my dreams, he ruined them. The reason why I think I had so much of a trauma the first 2 weeks after our break-up is that I not only lost a lover, but also a friend and a brother, and I had to move out of the place I'd been living in. It was too much all at once. It's starting to settle now, and I'm able to isolate my thoughts and think them through. iii) he wasn't brave enough to relax and give us more time in our relationship (which lasted about 4 months), come to my country and see my home, the things that make 'me' who I am, see what's really important for me... of course, why should he have to? If he wasn't in love with me, what would be in all these for him to take over that role in my dreams? Nothing. I can't blame him. He didn't feel the same way. If i were in his shoes, I'd probably do the same The more I think about this, the more I understand him, and the more I realize I am over the 'love' part (then maybe it wasn't even love?) but the space he filled for me will be hard to take care of. Now I know I have to fill that space myself, not with another man. Only when that space is filled, a new man will be welcome in my life. PS I forgot to mention I blocked him on my AIM. Last week, I couldn't wait to get online and wait to see if he'd IM me before he signed off. And it killed me. Even if he did IM me, he never said what I wanted to hear. SO instead of making myself upset like that, I just blocked him so there's no possibility of false expectations on my side. I will unblock him when I'm ready.

SorryJason, great post. Thanks. Sometimes we get confused and lose the big picture. But if you seriously look at every relationship that ended, including the current one, there IS a reason and maybe it's good that it ended before it got worse; you got more committed timewise, more attached emotionally, into something that wasn't meant to be. "It wasn't meant to be": this is my only solace...

It's been 3 weeks since he broke up with me. I couldn't sleep the first week. The second week, I'd wake up to dreams of him coming back to me and us getting together again. Those were sweet dreams. This week, in my dreams he had come to me months later and was asking me what I felt for him. I was unsure, I was indifferent, and I told him "we'll see what happens". That felt even sweeter. I was over him, and at that point it didn't matter if he'd come back or not. I can't wait for that day!

Very interesting and helpful. I think I too would like to read more about the chemistry/dynamics of heartache... I guess I won't be surprised if it all ends up being related to having control in the brain as well as one's ego... Thanks for posting, keep sharing these interesting things with us.

Yeah, that "suddenly becoming strong and cold" applies in my case too. How could a man, who was sooo caring and loving even the morning we had the break up, all of a sudden became sooooo cold and strong? Not called or emailed for 3 weeks? Is it because he knows that's actually better for me? Or because he had been pretending to be loving and caring the last month or so? Or because he's pretending now to help my healing? it's so confusing...

Everyone: I have a plan. I need your ideas and support. From every feeling I've experienced in the past 2.5 weeks after my breakup and from what you all have said in this forum, I know there's NOTHING I can do to change the feelings in my ex's heart. I love him still, so it's painful and unfair (for me). And i realize that if there's ever a possibility of him coming back, it will only be by me moving on, completely. Here's what I'm going to do. I'll be moving out from his place on December 30th and 31st. (I wont see him until then) I'll see him on those 2 days and then start NC until my birthday on April 20. I will live my own life, travel, pretend that I had to spend 4 months in a different planet, and I don't have access to him or he doesn't even exist. Basically I will re-build my own life, even date other people, and fill the gap that he used to fill, with a lot of other activities. When April 19th comes, I will stop and think. Do I still miss him? Would I still like to be together? Do I still dream about him? If 4 months later I answer YES to any of those, I will grant myself the right to call him on the 20th and ask to go out to dinner. I will prepare myself that he might be.... 1) completely over me 2) married 3) happily dating someone or 4) single and missing me. He might even say NO to my dinner offer. But the assumption I'm making is that by the time April 20th comes, I should pretty much be over him and should not be hurt if he tells me anything I didn't want to hear. Furthermore, it might be such that when April 20th comes, I might not want to call him up! What do you all say? Do you think I can find the will power to do NC until then, with the small hope that we really did have as good of a relationship as I think we did and thereforeeee there might be sparks 4 months later, after we've both had enough time to chill and think? A break-up is like a disease, it's like a sickness. It started out very bad, and it will take a long time to completely heal. Certain times during the day, my heart hurts so much that I think I'm going to die. I think that I won't be able to survive without him. Other times, I feel strong and happy that I'm moving on, and that I'll be dating again. There's always the bitterness of 'rejection' but there's the sweetness of good times too. There's the need to call him up, hoping to find him, and talk to him like before, like he was always there and nothing happened. But like I said this is a disease and it will only get better if we avoid everything that makes it feel worse. Remember SuperDave's analogy: if you had a broken arm, would you wrestle with it? It will heal and one day, just like all the others before, when I look back I will neither remember the love I had for him, nor the pain he made me go through. But that day might be far away. So to survive NOW, i'm playing this little April 20 game with myself. What do you say?

Hi, I'm 24 and as independent as I am here in a foreign country, I was willing to settle in my relationship that ended 2 weeks ago. Actually when that relationship began, I felt that I really didn't want to date anymore but be in a stable relationship. I still do. On the other hand I know many 24 yr olds who want to date 10000 more people before they even think of settling. I don't know, I am so hurt that I can't even think straight anymore.

Hi All, I've recently been dumped by a man I loved and I've been on an emotinal roller coaster since then. To forget that pain, I sit down and think of others I dumped or who dumped me before, and how i suffered afterwards... Now I don't feel ANYthing towards them, not sadness or anger or i don't miss them, and it feels like after them, someone MUCH better came along, so in the big picture it was good that they didn't work out. Do you have stories like this? Where after you were so hurt, you met someone who made you feel thankful?

RayKay, I am very sorry to hear the news. But I want to tell you there's a lot of hope. 5 years ago my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer as well. It was so bad that 2 days after the diagnosis she had mastectomy. Then chemo and radiation threapy for 9 months. The threapy, as they generally say, is worse than the disease but they've got such good drugs now that it really works, if one doesn't work, they've got many more to try if the body will respond. After 9 months, all her tumors were dead. She was ok for another 6-7 months, off chemo. Her hair grew back, her mood was better, she even came to the US to visit me. Just after that, we found out tumors had grown back in her liver this time. Chemo started, and this time since her body was weaker than before, it was worse. She was miserable, her nails were falling out, she coudln't walk etc. Just 2 months ago, she had a PET scan and they found out her tumors in her liver were finally dead. So she had ablation = they burned the dead tumors with radiofrequency waves. She's off chemo, and recovering. All this does not even come close to the pain she has (and we have) all been going through for the past years, but I just want to tell you that breast cancer is a good kind of cancer to have, because chances of recovery, or keeping things under control with chemo are high. There are things you need to do. She needs to be in a good mood. As hard as it is, her own feelings are most important. She might think of it as a chronic disease that she'll have to live with forever, because it is very possible that she'll be on chemo for the rest of her life. Now that can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how her body responds. She needs to eat well, because cancer cells ( i was told) tend to like to consume junk nutrients. I just want you to force yourself to be hopeful and remember that there are many options for breast cancer. Mastectomy is not the end of the world. She will be fine. It will be hard times, but stand by her. Don't let anybody bring her mood down. Good luck and may God help you. The day I learned my mom's cancer cells were dead and she practically didn't have cancer in her liver anymore was the day my boyfriend told me he didn't love me as much as his ex. I didn't know what to think. Life never seems to give you everything good all at once. I'd much prefer my mom healthy than my bf though. Good luck to you and feel free to send me private messages if you want to learn anything more.

Dear All, After 2 weeks of not seeing him, I went 'home' last Friday, only to get a few things I needed when he was still at work. I wasn't going to call him, but I couldn't help it and I asked him to go out to dinner, like we used to do every Friday evening. [For those of you who don't know, see my post called He's unsure if he can love me and in a hurry to get married] We talked a lot during the dinner ( i didn't cry ), and he said the same things; he really really likes me, maybe even loves me, but he's unsure. It doesn't feel like what it felt with his ex-gf (who dumped him), and he wants that in a relationship. And I kept saying we've only known each other for 4 months and if he's unsure and if he can say he maybe even loves me, we need more time. I asked him whether he was getting back with her, or whether there was someone else, and he said NO. I asked him if he was still physically attracted to me, and he said "Yes, very much". I asked him if there was any hope he can like me again, and he said: "I can, I DO". But he still wants to break up now, but he doesn't mind 'dating' again 'to see if we want to get back together'. What should I do? The problem is simple. Our love grew old, since we moved in together so fast, without even knowing each other... I know it can be like it was, but I just need a strategy here... Should I take him off my life completely for a few months and then contact him? Or wait for HIM forever to contact me? I truly think we can work out, and maybe all we need is a few months apart, but I'm so afraid someone else will come in his life in those months....

Congratulations, and thanks for posting these here. I have a question, during those 7-8 months you went NC, didn't you think the other might get together with someone else and totally forget about you? I too do think the best thing for our relationship would be 5-6 months free of each other, and I fantasize that after that time when we see each other again, we'll have grown, and things will be great again. But I'm soooooooooooo worried that during that period someone else will come in the picture. I guess what's meant to be, will be, ha? But thanks again for posting and keeping us informed. This forum has saved my life and mental health.