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octopus

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  1. octopus
    Well, I haven't seen him since December 31st. I haven't spoken to him on the phone since January 7th or so. We've exchanged a few emails, and he IM'd me last night, as he frequently does, but I've only ONCE broken NC and initiated contact myself -- what a MISTAKE!!! I sent him an email about 3 weeks ago and said "I miss being with you, is this what absolutely feels right to you?" and he said "I miss being with you too, but I don't think I'm definetely making a mistake. Let's get together and do something next week". Now, what could me MORE degrading that "let's get together and do something" when a few months ago I thought this was the man I'd spend my life with? thereforeeee, I will NEVER EVER initiate contact again. I got my answer. It's good to know he misses me, but I know unless he misses me enough to do something about it, I won't push it. Dave, you're absolutely right about your mind/emotions fooling you after sometime: you think things may have changed. HOW ON EARTH IS THAT POSSIBLE? Of course nothing will have changed. NC is the only way to survive. Plus, I don't want to call him and find out he's cuddling with someone and watching the olympics or something
  2. octopus
    Dave, i think about breaking NC all the time. I've done it once so far, and regretted it badly. So I still think about it, I tell myself "what if..."'s but I try hard not to. Like you say, I turn my phone off at nights; just so with that last bit of the day's energy left in me, I don't call him and say Goodnight, like i used to. From now on, I'll read your post whenever I feel like calling him (I know I won't anyway, but)... Like you said, there's a time for NC to end. And I will know when. But not now. Thanks for the post. There's no denying what enotalone's done for me during this terrible time.
  3. octopus
    I think you should be very kind to your ex. Kinder than you feel like being. Otherwise he'll think "good thing I left the b..h", but if you're very kind and mature, and in control, then he'll think "oh, this is the woman I left. What a fool I am."
  4. octopus
    Think of what would change if you didn't do NC. Besides still be affected by every word, every form of contact from your ex, you'd have no time to be completely alone with yourself to heal. It would take you months, maybe years to get over your ex. Don't believe me? - Just browse thru some posts on the Getting Back Together forum. The truth is, in time, your sense of peace will come; but low days will come and go in cycles as well. One day you will feel "What's the point of wanting someone who doesn't want me?" and the next day you'll feel "maybe it was a blessing it didn't work out" and slowly you will have moved on. 1 month ago, it was absolutely impossible for me to even think one day I would think it'd be a blessing that we broke up. I think that today. WHy would I ever want to go back to a relationship when my partner felt like he wasn't feeling right?
  5. octopus
    I've learned that love, at the beginning especially, is really blind. There's absolulety no point in staying in a relationship where both sides aren't crazy about each other. And that says BOTH sides. Also, i've learned to start and be in a relationship for the right reasons.
  6. octopus
    2) Always, always be good to yourself, and do what YOU want to do.When people make you happy or miserable, you're always alone with YOURSELF to deal with it. I think that in the long run, this kind of thinking would lead to not letting yourself get hurt by others. In other words, this time "did he hurt me so much?", or "did I let myself get hurt so much?"
  7. octopus
    Well everyone, We're all healing; we're at different points along the road. Sooner or later, we'll come to full realization and acceptance that this break-up will be permanent; the dumper will never think he/she made a mistake and come back to us and beg. We spent a good amount of time healing, and it is our duty to ourselves that we remember the lessons from this break-up; so that our next relationship is healthier and we are more prepared for anything else that may come. let's all post the lessons we've learned and discuss them. Here's my number 1: Lesson 1: My dreams will only include myself. I have found it to be very painful that when I lost my loved one, the dreams we'd dreamed together, OR my dreams that included him were lost forever too. From now on, I will only dream for myself.
  8. octopus
    tigerwalk; I look at NC as "I won't initiate contact". He sometimes IM's me and I respond in the minimal possible way.
  9. octopus
    Exactly. Great post. You break NC, you either find out what you didn't want to know, or get rejected, or get ignored. I don't think "Oh your email reminded me how much I'm in love with you" is a possibility.
  10. octopus
    well, i have a friend who's with he bf because she didn't want to be alone with the holidays, or valentine's, or her bday that's coming up. she loves him, but they're not doing too well right now. it's entirely possible!
  11. octopus
    1) After a break up, how long does it take for you to move on? My last one was a 5.5 month relationship, after 3.5 months it ended, I'm feeling much better, but I'm not COMPLETELY over him. I've done good NC, at least about physical contact, and kept myself very very busy to not think about him. I'm open to new relationships, although I know it'll be many years before I meet someone like him. 2) Are you still friends with your ex? If so, how long does it take for you to be able to see him/her just as a friend? Not really. We're emailing every once in a while, but I don't want to be friends with him like "Let's go see a movie" or "let's go diving together this weekend" . I wish him well and I hope he'll be happy, but I have no desire to see him happy with his wife & kids (probably the next girl he'll date after me). I have to see him in 2 weeks; I think i'd be much better if I never saw him again. I'm friends with other ex's though. Very good friends indeed. So maybe as time goes by, I'll be friends with this one too. Not now.
  12. octopus
    bkjsun, This is how i think about it. If he came back to me now, a few months after our break-up, WHAT will have changed? Nothing. Say he did come back and we did go back into our relationship. He would still be unhappy, and he would still have doubts in the long run. Even if there is a chance for her to come back, I don't think it'll be this soon. At least it's better that it is not; this way you can go back to who you were BEFORE her, keep moving, and if she comes back, great. Don't think that I don't know how hard it is not to dream of that *sweet* moment when they come back to you, say they made a mistake, and start begging that you get back together. I dream of it every day BUT i know it's only a dream. No expectations, no hopes. Think about it; you're only 24 (so am I) - there are infinetely many possiblities ahead of us. Try to think outside of her, i know it's hard but there's a whole world out there. Think of where you were 6 months ago, and where you will be 6 months later. Things change. Be strong.
  13. octopus
    Well, it's great that you already feel a spark from someone. I guess that's a sign that you're well ahead in healing! I would ablsolutely take things slow, get to know that person as even a better friend. I guess when the right times comes, there won't be stopping the two of you anyway. I wihs I'd done that with my ex. Then, two things could have happened: 1) After being friends long enough, we'd have realized we didn't have a future and never have started a relationship 2) We'd know each other more and our relationship could've been stronger with better understanding of what our expectations were. Good luck. I wish I could have someone special now to take my mind off my ex.
  14. octopus
    In his IM's and emails, he consistently asks what I'm doing on the weekends; where I'm going next. I feel like telling him "Here's my travel plan for the next 6 months; hopefully you won't have to ask again. I know you don't do it intentionally, but the fact that you haven't asked how I am but keep asking about what I do hurts me. " But if I said that, or something to that extent, then he'd know that what he does still affects me; still hurts. I don't want to give him that power. It really doesn't hurt that much. I just don't care anymore. I really feel no need to inform him of my travel plans, but on the other hand, I want to maintain a friendship sense of contact (which is probably all he's trying to do) . How should I respond to him when he asks where I'm going next? [Funny; I started posting on the "Getting Back Together" forum, because I thought I'd die without him. Then after 6 weeks, I started posting on the "Healing after a break up or divorce" forum and now I should probably start posting on the "Ex boyfriend/girlfriend relationships" forum!]
  15. octopus
    I think it completely depends on the reasons of break up. if it was a "i fell out of love", after a while of NC, seduction might work. But would it make a lasting difference? I dunno.
  16. octopus
    I was going to call him tonight to ask how he is. That was the only reason. It hurts me that he hasn't called once to ask how I am, and so I didn't want to do the same to him; I wanted to call and ask how he is doing. I sincerely care. (or so I thought) But for some reason, my urge to call disappeared. We are like two strangers now. Sad but true. He doesn't want me, wants someone better (or different). I felt indifferent tonight. If he asked me now, I wouldn't go back to him, let alone marry him anyway. He doesn't want me, so what's the point of trying to be friends and call to find out how we are. I put the phone down, and I guess I don't care anymore. This must have been how he felt 3 months ago, when he decided to break up. Isn't that unfair? it took me THREE months of all kinds of pain to get to this point.He was already there when he told me. This is so unfair, don't you think?
  17. octopus
    What a great post FCTex. I hope you'll find someone better. I can't imagine how one can cheat on her bf like that and sleep at night. She's got problems. Move on. You deserve better.
  18. octopus
    Well, after I read about all your ex's, I too came up with stuff about my ex whom I thought was perfect, and needless to say, irreplacable. 1. He has been on prozac for about 5 years now. I really should have asked why, I didn't. I guess I was afraid. (Can any of you comment as to why someone would take prozac for that long?) 2. It bothered me so much that when his x called, his phone rang with a different tune. And they were always in touch, even when we were at our best times, and I never heard about it. That was so disrespectful for me, how did I never say anything? 3. He was too old for me; never had enough energy. Spent half of saturdays sleeping to make up for sleep he didn't get during the week. 4. He rarely came out for a walk with me, and that's the one thing I enjoy a lot. Hold hands and go for a short walk after dinner. 5. He had absolutely no taste in clothes, or an effort to combine the right colors. I didn't care that much about this though. 6. He never loved me; just pretended. All the catering he did, all the affection..everything was to see if he could feel "that way" again, not because it came naturally to him. We lived a lie for 6 months. Remembering how great it felt when we first met, how special it felt, I feel betrayed. ALmost like my own Truman Show. But I miss him more than I can put into words
  19. octopus
    drum classes certainly worked for me. I can't wait to go every week and i end up feeling soooo good afterwards. however, everytime it feels that good, i want to reach for my phone and call him and tell him about it, but i know he's not there to share anything with me anymore
  20. octopus
    congrats.... hope things will work out for the best.
  21. octopus
    good luck... i know it's soooooo hard.. and mine was only six months... i can't imagine 6 years...
  22. octopus
    If it makes you comfortable, don't worry about having blocked her. This way, there are no means of contact for you, you won't wait to see if she talks to you and what she says, or you won't have to stop yourself from IM'ing.I think you did the right thing because you need it. You need the isolation from her, to be alone with yourself. She doesn't have to know that you did. And if she cares for you, she'd understand that you did it to heal yourself anyway.
  23. octopus
    Congratulations! Like they said "You don't die of a heartache. You only wish you did".
  24. octopus
    sounds like an A'hole to begin with. Don't waste your time. Find someone more mature who'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
  25. octopus
    I say NO to meds. I'll tell you why: it will lengthen your time of healing. Maybe you'll feel a little better, but the overall period of time you'll still be miserable will be longer, because they won't make the original problem go away; which is: You lost a love, and you have to deal with it. I lived a murder in my family, my life lost its meaning, i hated people, i couldn't sleep because i relived that scene in my dreams every night..but never took medication. You will be as strong as you need to be. And if you can't handle all this pain this time, it will come back to the surface next time you have a break-up, or a loss; and you will have to deal with it then. You are, and you will be as strong as you need to be. There's more to your life than her.
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