octopus

Hi All, Some of you might remember me; I first wrote about 6 months ago saying my bf of 6 months broke up with me because he wasn't in love with me the way he'd love other women before. We spent 3 months in complete NC, and then we saw each other at a conference, things started again, and we started seeing each other again. It has been great; he's bought me flowers for my bday,ever since we got back tohether, i haven't slept at my own place, I've been in his place (where I useed to live, but I moved out after he broke up with me) but now i'm concerned that we'll go thru the same things again. It's still the case that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. But he loves me enough that we're tying again, and we do have a good time together. But i think he sitll loved his ex-gf more, which he dated over 18-20 months ago, for a short time, and I don't know what to think.... He says "i do like you a lot but it's not perfect" and "mayeb it is perfect but i just am not sure"... What does that mean and what do i need to do? I truly love him, we're great together, but every time he throws out a 'maybe' I get so hurt. Could he "maybe" love me? He thinks he has a mental block... Would that change? Or should I just leave? We've been great together since we got back together and he says it's been great to have me around, but i just don't know how to proceed. Thanks, da

hey iwantherback, to your 2nd post in this thread where you talked about "time heals".. I also don't think time heals. If anything, it makes you get used to the pain and the reality. That only. Healing is something we have to do ourselves deep inside.

me too.. from MA...

wow.. that sucks... i'm sorry for you... hopefully you are young... you are so young that you'll meet many more people who will feel way better than her, and give you a relationship quality you deserve. At least you won't spend any time thinking about her from now on , right? She's not worth one more minute of your life.

Congrats Jay! Hope it will work out for you! My only concern is that - what if they find this site!!! Then we're in trouble...

Hi All, I've some news, I don't know how good or how bad. I got an email from my ex today, in response to one of my emails, and in it he said "I know that you like me, and that makes me happy.I am thinking hard about you and me". I don't know what he meant exactly, but this just made my day. I'm not going to call/email him and push him for an answer. Hearing this alone made so much difference. [Recap: He broke up with me 3 months ago;I went thru hell; did LC; i saw him for the first time this past weekend, and we had a good time together.] I just wanted to tell you all that there's hope. I read almost all the posts here, and everyone breaks up for a different reason. I always thought "It's impossible for us to get back together because he knows exactly what he wants, and I'm not that". But here, after 3 months of separation, he's thinking about it. I thought he was over with me forever. I think this can say a few things about the dumpers perspective here: He broke up with me. He didn't call me for 3 months. He didn't email. I was sure that he was back with his ex, or maybe even seeing someone new. But all that didn't mean he forgot about me, or didnt regret his decision. He WAS thinking of me. He WAS re-thinking his decision. I just didn't know about it. Same could be true for you. After the break up, I was devastated. I couldn't eat or sleep. I read all kinds of books on relationships/learning to let go/forgive/breakups/seduction/surviving a loss of love etc etc... I learned to listen to myself, and learned to look for certain things in relationships. I saw the signs that I'd missed. I can't say I got really good, but I learned, and I got stronger. I reached the conclusion that HE would have to come back to me, in order for our relationship to be a healthy one, if at all possible. thereforeeee I did not contact him. I tried to fully let go, as much as you can do that at my stage of healing. Now he sent me that mail. I don't know what has changed in his world. Certainly a lot has changed for me. I would love to try again; but I will never forget the pain I went thru. I will remind myself what it could be like, if it doesn't work. And I will tell him that if he'll still be thinking about his ex while he's with me, I'm not in. I can ask him "What has changed that you want to be back with me?" I am strong enough to say these because I have lost a love, and healed myself after that. Just wanted to share this with you all. I can't wait to see what the next few days will bring.

Princess, it doesnt happen easily. You need to listen to yourself and live the pain and get stronger... And unfortunately the only way that happens is thru practice.. so no fast forwarding.. you have to live everything... Good luck. Hope, Thanks a lot. I hope this will be a new beginning for us; I am determined not to initiate anything until he does (if he does). Because that's the only way this relationship would be healthy. Let's see how it goes.

i dont think it gets easier. It would only get easier if you started a new relationship not opening yourself up, in order to not let your heart get broken. But then what's the point?

wow.. i'm kinda glad there's no way I can run into him... You did pretty well for a non-rehearsed encounter... I had to plan mine for 4 weeks for the one afternoon i knew i was going to see him! Well, she sounds open now. Maybe she got dumped. Maybe he wasn't what she wanted. She might run back into your arms for a variety of reasons, but maybe this time you'll have the power. I hope things will work out for the best.

Hi All, I just wanted to share with you that I think I've done pretty well this Sunday, seeing my ex for the first time in 3 months. Saturday we met at the conference, in the hallway, and we held each other like in a movie scene. I was surprised to see he looked like he'd missed me more than I thought. We had to go to different sessions, so we made plans to meet at my apt (which he'd never been to since I moved out of his) and have dinner on Sunday. I spent the entire saturday afternoon brainwashing myself to not show any resentment, and treat him like a regular friend, and absolutely not beg or cry or say anything like "can we please try again, please, please please?". I made myself believe that if it were to work, it'd be without trying and it was best for me to see how things go, and decided what to do according to that.It's easy to write here, but most of you know it's soooo hard to control your emotions once you meet that "stimulus" that made you go thru 3 months of pain. I made myself believe that if he were to come back, that would only happen after I had completely let go; thereforeeee I had to see him as a regular friend, and not my ex I loved so much, and I had to act it. I had to act as if I'd let go. When he came over, I was folding my laundry, and there's only a matress in my room, nothing else to sit on, so he sat there next to me. We started talking and it went pretty well. Then we got hungry and walked over to the place accross the street, and the dinner was great too. I showed no resentment, didn't say anything sarcastic, and didn't imply I wanted to get back together and that I missed him like hell. We held hands occasionally. After dinner we had planned to go see a movie, but instead we went back to my apartment. We lay in my bed, and held each other. He reached for me, and he held me and kissed me, in the way he hadn't done in a long time before we broke up. I am sure if I'd let it, we'd have had sex too (although he's not the kind of guy who'd have sex out of a relationship) but I knew better and didn't allow things to get that far. I know I'd hurt after that. We just held each other and talked; which made me wonder why the hell we broke up in the first place, because it felt sooo good. He stayed till 11 PM; it's impossible for him to stay somewhere he doesn't want and stay up that late; so he wanted to be with me; and that meant a lot. He asked me when I'd be coming to Boston next (I've been going to a different place every weekend to avoid going to Boston) and I said "I don't know. I need a reason to come here". He said "Like what?"... and I didnt want to say "Like for you to want me", so I just said "Like when the diving season begins"... He said "I can wait that long", now I don't know what he meant by that but I'm not going to obsess about it. After he left, I was feeling very good because I had NOT made a complete fool of myself, showed that I survived just fine w/o him, and that he didn't actually hate me, he enjoyed being with me, and he isn't back with his EX or someone new anyway. (but he also didn't do ANYthing to imply getting back together) I woke up this morning, and I wasn't hurting. I had just faced someone who'd given me a lot of pain for 3 months, but I must have gotten so much stronger that I wasn't hurting after seeing him again. I didn't have any expectations of him wanting me back last night, and I dont have any now, but we've definetely started communicating again; which is a good step if we were to ever get back together. Sadly I've realized how much I loved him. However this time, I'm aware that although I love him, I can't have him. So I will not spend more time thinking about it and just let things flow. I am in control of my emotions now. This has got to be the biggest reward. From now on, I'll continue with NC again. That is, I won't initiate contact unless I have to. He IM"d me this morning and i responded. BUt I'm not going to send an email and say "It was so good to see you last night" or something. I'll just let things flow. His affection last night was more than I could hope for. I thought we'd hate each other until we die.

Dear All, I need help. I saw him today after 2 months. We were at a conference and between lectures we saw each other, and ran and held each other tightly for a minute or so. He said it was good to see me... twice... I felt like the first time I saw him. We had to go to different lectures but we will "catch up" tomorrow... Up until now it's been very limited contact. He told me I looked great. But he did not imply anything about our (ex) relationship, or wanting to get back, of course ! I don't know what to expect from tomorrow, I want to pour my heart out and ask him whether it's absolutely impossible to try again. He might say OK, because even when we split he'd said there still was a chance. But even if he says OK, I know that nothing will have changed because the request wouldn't have come from him. I am soo torn. I am OK without him, I'm no where near my horrible trauma 3 months ago, but I love him. I know he likes me, so I just want to say CAN WE PLEASE TRY AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE.... What should I do? We're on good terms. Will I have trashed all my healing effort if I ask him? Help

I went to an Eartha Kitt show tonight. She's an amazing woman. At some point during the show, she looked at a gentelman at the front and said something in Spanish. The man didn't understand. Then she said "habla espanol?" and the man still didn't understand. Then in English, she said "Do you speak Spanish?" the man sheepishly said no i don't, maybe you can teach me." Then Eartha looked at him and said "You can't afford me". I loved it. That should be our approach to all our exes : YOU CANT AFFORD ME.

My ex also preferred to be alone than be with me. I know he still loves his ex, but he didn't go to her- he can't because she dumped him and she has to want him back. I found that hard, that he was happier without me, on his own, but I also think (as hard as it was to acknowledge this): There is dignity in being true to yourself even if you disappoint other people. If he was unhappy with me, if he saw it going nowhere, he did what he had to do. He should have never started the relationship, but that's another story.

i'm happy for you iwantherback. How I wish i could feel the same.

Mine is exactly 3 months since the breakup. First 2 were bad; the last month has been a combination of really good ups and not-so-bad downs. Even in the same day, I feel bad in the morning and completely forget about it at night. In the two months, I felt so bad physically that nothing helped. Only time. Now, I when thoughts/emotions surface, I face them; and try to make myself think other things, or resolve them. I have definetely built some sort of strentgh/immunity to those thoughts. I wouldn't have been able to accept the facts like this, or handle emotions like this 2 months ago. I realized I am mad at him because, because of his decision to break-up, I am no longer in love, and I am no longer loved. I am mad at him because he took these out of my life. Otherwise, I'm glad he ended a relationship that wasn't working for him. I was so in love I couldn't see the signs, and if one side was unhappy, what's the point? I've also realized there is never, ever going back after a break-up. It's just impossible. So I stopped thinking about that. One less thing to worry about. However, now I started thinking about how I will be able to keep myself together when I see him next, which will be this weekend. Hopefully it will be the last time (probably in our lives), and I want to leave a good impression, but I am still full of anger and resentment; I don't know how that's going to work. By now, I am open to new relationships, if one that I think will lead to something comes by I will definetely try, but I will always remind myself what I've learned from this.

iwantherback, are you sure YOU made all the mistakes when you were together? i'm starting to think and believe very strongly, that it really is on a 'meant to be' basis. Don't blame yourself. Maybe there were no mistakes. I used to have those dreams of getting back together too. They were SO sweet. I'm going to steal Dako's signature here: It gets better.

I feel the same way, Dave. I started this last relationship feeling like I never did before. I thought this was it, it felt so completely different and better. But it ended. How can I have confidence in the future, that I will feel that way again, and it will last? It makes me think, "If this didn't last, nothing will". What a bad situation.

I dont speak Spanish well enough to translate, but if you go here and click on Huele A Tristeza ( I couldn't copy and paste) the lyrics are in English link removed

Ok, don't know if everyone can understand these lyrics but this is a pretty happy "sad" song to listen to. [Mana also has another song which is just soooooo good: No Ha Parado De Llover (Something like : It hasn't stopped raining in my heart since you left me)] Huele A Tristeza by Maná Solo huele a tristeza Huele a soledad En mis ojos perdidos Solo hay humedad Siento un grande vacio en mi corazon Siento escalofrios de ansiedad Donde esta la otra parte de mi corazon Ay amor! Donde andas? Donde viviras? Donde, donde estas? Huele a tristeza este corazon Sabe a tu ausencia..sabe a dolor Huele a tristeza este corazon Sabe a dolor Necesito de alguien Alguien a quien amar Necesito de todo Todo mi corazon Te he estado buscando Cielo, tierra, y mar Debajo de las piedras Y hasta en el sol Donde esta la otra parte de mi corazon Ay amor.. Donde andas? Dodne viviras..Donde, donde estas? Huele a tristeza este corazon Sabe a tu ausencia sabe a dolor Huele a tristeza este corazon Sabe a tu ausencia sabe a dolor Sabe a dolor Huele a tristeza este corazon Sabe, sabe, sabe a dolor Sabe, sabe, sabe a dolor

Vi, What will have changed? That is the question I would ask. What has changed after your break-up so that this simply could turn into a chance to reconcile? A friendly date sounds good to me; but what if your ex is seeing someone? What if he/she's back with their ex... Do you really want to find out about those? About the fact that they're happier without yoU?? But I guess if you never meet & hang out, you can't know if your feelings have changed and if you want to get back together.

Being in constant contact doesn't help, does it? I wish you could kindly build that wall, to the point that you're indifferent, then try to be there for her. You need to get your life back together, with or without her. There's a loooong path to healing and the sooner you start, the better.

Yes, I agree. We tend to feel things we think. Also, the way we feel about ourselves affects the feelings we bring out in others. I will see my ex in 2 weeks. I need to put on the best performance of my life that day.Not to make him regret his decision and want me back or anything, but to keep myself together.I need to start planning and rehearsing now. I know if I let it go naturally, it will be full of anger and resentment. And that's not how i want him to see me after 3 months.

LOL! I was thinking of my own situation when I wrote that

Or... you can do like me and "invent" memory. I've been going to a different state every weekend since we broke up, all by myself, and doing things, seeing places. meet up with friends if applicable. Not only do I get time alone with myself, but also I create new memories, new adventures... try to read and write some.. Take pictures..Cry, cry , cry... Otherwise the sweet memories we had will eat me alive, I know.

I must say seeing a therapist has helped me a lot. If anything, I got to vent to someone who listened as a job, and learned more about myself. I suggest see one even if only for a few months.