octopus

I say it directly depends on past experiences. Having gone thru this, I think i've learned a few lessons. It's also related to self-esteem and emotional stability. It's also related to your response towards rejection (goes with the above) I don't see where gender makes a difference in any of those. But the ladies' support system definetely helps in feeling you're not alone, or the only one to live this. So does this site.

i had a 6 month relationship, broken up for 3 months now. I'm OK. I miss him, but nothing like 3,4 even 2 weeks ago. You're healing. Really. Live your emotions, but don't act on them.

iwantherback, you have to live every feeling that comes to the surface, and I promise one day you decide you won't let it take over your life anymore. But until that day, it's all in cycles, and although you think you're set back to square 1, you recover quicker every time. You are healing, it's only normal to miss her. She was a beautiful part of your life for 6 months. Remember the feelings when you first met each other? How could your body get over those so easily? Of course it will hurt. What you need to keep in mind is, there is NOTHING you can do, until she decides to want you back. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.

Casket, you can't fast forward unfortunately. You have to face all emotions that surface and hurt you. You have to cry everytime you feel like it. Then one day, after many swings, ups and downs, you feel that it's really not worth crying anymore. It's really not worth wasting another minute. If you don't believe me, read my posts since December. It's only Feb 14th today, and I've decided I'm not giving my ex one more minute of my life, unless he works hard to earn it. It does hurt, but you need to move on.

You know, RomanticLover, there's a magical feeling about being able to let go, too. Now I was nowhere near that recently, but now when I go to bed, I have the strange confidence of knowing that, if we were meant to be together, years, or lovers later, it will happen. I couldn't think that at the beginning of my break up, only now 3 months later I can stand the thought of it. Read this: “There is so much in the lives of all of us that we don’t know that justifies tolerance and forgiveness” Herman J. Guckenberger (1880-1962) So, maybe the fact that we're not together with that ONE we're so crazy about is because it's not the right time yet? Maybe it will happen when the time is right? OR, even better, we're not together because there's a better relationship in store for us? I don't know. if i didn't think positive things like this, I'd go nuts.

iwantherback, Up until a week ago, I thought he was the greatest and completely irreplacable too. And he is, in many ways. I had never been that interested in someone before, although I've had many, many boyfriends. He had everything I wanted, in terms of personality, lifestyle, quite like the list you have there. But like Keenan said, if he doesn't love me, what good are all these? Maybe we were meant to be great friends, I don't know. And I know that someone else, who might have 180 degree different qualities, might still have the right combination of magic to light that spark in us. I don't want to believe this is the end for you, or for me, anything is possible. And that's the best thing about life. You don't know what will happen tomorrow. From my experience, this feeling of being afraid you'll never meet someone like her again, will pass in time. Maybe it'll take you another 10 years to find someone, but I'm sure you will. And so will I. Otherwise let's all commit suicide. There was only one person for us, and that's the one we won't ever have again, forever. I don't think that's how it works

Romantic lover, I got dumped a week before his birthday, which I'd planned MONTHS in advance and gotten an amazing combination of gifts...which he will probably enjoy with his next catch, because they were for both of us to do together. Then also, this was right before new year's which I had changed international travel plans to spend with him (of course, before he broke up), and I ended up moving out of his house that day instead of celebrating the new year together. , I know it is cheesy, but really what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. When all these happened (and I was posting them here almost every day) I thought I was going to die, but today, as I remember them, I feel nothing. ANd I was a woman crying over him 3 days ago. Things change so fast - we don't realize it but there is a very active healing process going on behind the scenes. So what if it's valentine's day. This too, will pass.

In my opinion, you're clearly hoping your card would have some impact. But the truth is, she's not going to say "Oh I got a birthday card from him, which reminds me I am soo madly in love with him". Depending on her personality, she might even use that against you, since it puts her in power, since you're still thinking of her,since you're still there. On the other hand, again, depending on her personality, it might mean a lot to her that you're still a friend. The method you send the birthday wishes mean something too. Email is quick and cheap, while flowers, or a hand written card imply much more effort/time put into it. It's really up to you, and what you're expectations are, and what you can handle in terms of the consequences.

Send it, but forget it: don't expect ANYthing in return. I remember once an ex sent me an orchid (a year after our breakup) and wrote "miss you lots" on the card on my birthday, and I found it even hard to thank him because I was afraid he was still expecting something. On the other hand, if you don't contact her for her bday, THAT says something. That says you forgot, or you don't care, or you've just moved on, too busy to remember.

That is a horrible, horrible feeling; I don't know what to say. If it helps, think of the fact that everyone, somewhere, every second may get dumped for someone else. And that, by NO means implies the other person is better than you. I'd say try to go out of you house (make a snowman) or watch a movie or do something like a 1000 piece puzzle so that when those feelings come up, you can listen to them but at the same time keep doing what you were doing. It's the worst to be stuck at home when you get those thoughts. Get out, somehow.

Dako, I like how you changed your signature from "it has to get better" to "it gets better"

Dear EnotAloners, Here is my account of my failed relationship that I finally put into words this weekend. It specifically applies to my case, but I wanted to share it with you all, since your feedback was most helpful in understanding the mechanics of what was going on. I hope you will find one or two things in there that will help you too. if you're not familiar with my case, just click on my user name Octopus to see my posts, especially in the Getting Back Together forum. But a short necessary background info: My ex was 31 when we met (I'm 24), and he was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. He was just dumped by a girl he loved.We lived together for 6 monts, broke up 3 months ago, and haven't seen each other or talked on the phone for 2 months. I will see him at a conference the first weekend in March.********************** I finally got it! After spending months thinking "Why did his feelings change?", I finally got it. His feelings never changed. He never had the right feelings. He did a very good job of making me believe he did. He wanted to have feelings. He wanted to be in love with me. He wanted this wife search to be over, and he wanted to have that person to spend the rest of his life with. When we met, he felt sexually attracted to me. I was a foreigner, I was different, there were a lot of interesting things that came with me and my background.We shared the same hobbies, we were both engineers, and we were very much alike. He thought all that was great, and he wanted to see if he could also fall in love with me. Wouldn't that be great if that were how things worked in love??!! He was dumped by his ex-girlfriend only a few months before we'd met; not to mention he lost his dad 2 months before. He was in love with that girl. I know that because he told me, and one time I did something very embarrassing and read his emails (after we broke up). He wasn't over her when we met, but with the excitement that he'd met someone new and someone he was attracted to, instead of taking things slow, he desperately rushed in. One week after we broke up, he took her out to have dessert on his birthday. During the entire time we were together, his phone was set to ring with a different tune when she called. One time she called him because she was locked outside, she asked for her spare keys that he had. Just out of curiosity, I went with him to give the keys (and met her) and he was visibly excited, almost shaking while driving to her house. How could I not see these signs then? I acted cool, because I thought that was the graceful thing to do, but how could I not see that I was in shadow of that girl all that time? Only after 6 days we started dating, I left for Fiji. He offered to pack up my dorm room for me while I was gone, so we could spend more time together when I came back. When he drove me to New Jersey when I started my job, he stayed Sunday night and left back for Boston at 4 AM Monday morning to be at work at 9. When I told him he should have left Sunday night and rested before work, he said "That's what it means to be together". Also one time, he told me that "Love is like building credit; you have to work very hard in the beginning and enjoy it later". He has these things defined in his head under "This is what it means to be together". Now, for 3 months, I was wondering, losing sleep over the fact that he hasn't called me once to ask how I'm doing since the break-up. How could you not care for someone you spent the past 6 months with? He would call me at 9 30 PM, every day, until that day we broke up. And I finally get it. He will never call. Because according to his book, this is "what it means to be NOT together". We're not together anymore, I'm gone, I'm over. I was someone he wished so much he could fall in love with; he treated me like a queen and tried as hard as he could hoping it would work, but it didn't, and it's time for a new contestant now. In the meantime, I was a perfect example of someone falling in love innocently, spontaneously, without any calculations or background thoughts. This is probably why the break-up came as a trauma for me, and it was way easier for him to move on. I bet I'm not the first girl he dumped because of his unhealthy method of starting relationships. When he told me "I loved XX(at college), and YY(last year) before, and I know I can feel that way in a relationship, and I've lost confidence that I can feel it with you", he was proud of himself for being honest, for doing the right thing; breaking up with me because he couldn't see a future. But what he should have done, was to NOT start this relationship when he didn't have genuine feelings for me to begin with. If I were a rebound for him after YY, and if he only felt lust for me all this time, he should have never offered me to move in with him. He should have moved on before he, himself got involved with someone else. it took him 10 years to get over XX, whom he still loves and talks about often, how could he be over YY only 6 months after she left him? I got screwed meanwhile. I think this account of what happened is the most realistic I've been able to see so far. I feel a sense of peace, and hope now. I don't feel I lost something extremely valuable; it was never what I thought it was. I'm not mad at him anymore, I pity him. I don't think this is how love works. He's desperate because he's turned 32 and he wants to find someone. I don't see - unless they get back together with YY, or he completely gets over her - how it'll be different than ours with any other woman he dates. He starts the relationship for the wrong reasons, and when those reasons really become visible, he ends it. Tell me, how could he have felt 'that way' for me when YY was sitting in his heart all this time? Now, besides this really comforting feeling, I feel something else: Power. I think I know what he was thinking finally. And I see that there's an opportunity, becoming stronger and stronger, that wasn't there before. That is him actually falling in love with me, after 3 months of separation. When we were together, he was trying, and it didn't work. Now, we don't talk, we haven't seen each other, and he's lonely (I don't know if YY is interested in him or not) and he's not trying and I'm not trying; I'm no longer the person who expected to be loved by him; I don't live in his house and I'm back at my very exciting small world. Now this makes our meeting at the conference in March even more exciting. I will have the confidence of knowing something I didn't know before, and being in a state of not wanting ANYthing from him, or not even caring that he's there will change the balance of emotions. As of this morning, do I want to be back with him? No, I don't. I want to be loved genuinely, he never loved me that way and I don't want to go back to something that was just a mock-up of true love, that was just wishful thinking. It took me so long, and a really boring trip to North Carolina, but I finally get it.

NJ, What could have changed? If I were you, I'd ask myself this. What could have - or has - changed that will make the relationship different (hopefully, better)? Good luck and I hope whatever happens will happen for the best.

I'm glad you feel that way, and I hope it will last. When I read that book, I felt very strong too; I felt in power. But it comes and goes in cycles. 3 weeks after I read the book, I was in tears again. I hope yours will last. It's a good book; but no it doesn't touch on whether things were meant to be or not, and it strictly tells you it's over, and it's for good. That's what we should all believe anyway, in order to move on.

For her to gain respect for you? I'd think only after you have your own self respect back, and that is completely doable. Hey - I read my ex's emails on his laptop when we broke up. How can you go lower than that?????? But I think after being completely ashamed of myself for days and days for that, I'm much stronger now and have restored my self respect. From the ex's eyes; he doesn't know (or so I think) and I can't comment. One last thing; if you TRY to show her you're not as bad and that you made a mistake and you deserve her respect back, it might not work; just don't TRY so hard and let it be know naturally. At least that's how it'd work for me if I were your ex.

I think give it a few days of NC(maybe a week?). You will feel better, on the other hand you'll see if your ex contacts you in the mean time.

When did you break up again? I'll be here every day reminding you not to contact her for at least 3 months. Because that's what I'm doing for myself...

Liasonred, Take as much time off and go as far away as you can. I travel for work every week (and I mean I get on a plane every monday and every friday) and it has helped me tremendously to be away. I've been travelling to a different US state every weekend, and besides the things I see, the people I meet are amazing... Not only do you remember the (relative) small size of your pain in this huge planet, where soo much more is going on and there are so many other people you can talk to, you also give yourself the time alone with yourself. This is what I always think: You don't have to go to Nepal to find yourself. You just have to go somewhere where you have no memories, and no responsibilities. Then you're alone with yourself and you will talk and you will listen. Go away and do strict NC. Also keep a journal of your thoughts there. Then let us know, because usually once our initial (over) reaction to a break-up is over, you feel so different. My 2 cents, that is. Also, someone's signature on this forum was : "In love, absense is what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, magnifies the great". Or something like that.

There you go - i do the same: visualize my ex, with his ex that he's still in love with, married, with kids and all happy. I mean, it can't get any worse than that, can it? But you want a secret: There was a man I thought I loved 5 years ago. I changed continents for him, he said I was the one and then he got married to someone else and moved really close to me. I thought I'd never be able to meet his wife or see him again, but now I go and stay at their house, go out with his wife and actually THANK GOD I didn't end up with him; because where he's come in 5 years and where I've come are soooo different...

Since I posted the questions, below are my own answers: 1) Do you feel that you'd rather never see your ex again than be friends with him (and find out sooner or later he/she's happy with someone else)? I'd rather never see him than be friends with him. Now maybe when I meet someone new (who'll magically make me feel that way), I won't care about the ex anymore, but not now. 2) How bad was this break-up for you INITIALLY? 1 - I couldn't eat, sleep or live for a while; i thought i'd die. 3) Was this the 1st break-up as bad, or have you gone thru similar (more or less) ups/downs before? I'm afraid this was the first time I was in love, and thereforeeee the break up was like no other. I can't imagine going through this again. Before, most my break-ups were either mutual or due to long distance; they hurt even if I were the dumper, but this was a trauma. 4) Do you feel you were so hurt and reacted so much to breaking up because (any and all that might apply) i) you were never dumped before by someone you cared this much ii) you loved this ex so much, he/she was like no other iii) you weren't emotionally sound when you started that relationship All apply to me; I was emotionally insecure when we'd met, so feeling sooo high being loved by him, turned into a big low when he left. It shouldn't have been that way. I should have been happy and stable with my emotions before i attempted to move in with someone. 5) Do you feel that a majority of this pain is maybe rejection, and that you can move on and love others, but having a hard time with rejection? For me, rejection definetely hurts a lot. Funny, but there were a few times I'd thought I'd leave him because he was much older than me, and also our life styles were different. If I'd left him, although I loved him, I don't think i'd be hurting half as much now.

Allright, a saturday night and I'm in a hotel in NC. I was trying to listen to my feelings all day, and I came up with these questions I'm trying to asnwer. If you can take a minute to share your experiences, that would be very much appreciated. 1) Do you feel that you'd rather never see your ex again than be friends with him (and find out sooner or later he/she's happy with someone else)? 2) How bad was this break-up for you INITIALLY? 1 - I couldn't eat, sleep or live for a while; i thought i'd die. 3 - I went on my life as best as I could, but there's a big hole and i miss him/her so much 5 - I'm alone and single again, it wasn't a big loss 3) Was this the 1st break-up as bad, or have you gone thru similar (more or less) ups/downs before? 4) Do you feel you were so hurt and reacted so much to breaking up because (any and all that might apply) i) you were never dumped before by someone you cared this much ii) you loved this ex so much, he/she was like no other iii) you weren't emotionally sound when you started that relationship iv) Other? 5) Do you feel that a majority of this pain is maybe rejection, and that you can move on and love others, but having a hard time with rejection? 6) Bonus rhetoric question: Do you also feel amazed how the person you were so in love with few months ago could be/seem/sound SOOOOO cold/cruel when he/she wants to break it off?

I totally understand you. I love my ex, but I DO NOT want him to be happy with someone else, i do not want him to BE with anyone, ever! This must be wrong; I mean, if you love someone, shouldn't you wish happiness for them? But these feelings seem uncontrollable for me now. Maybe further down in the healing process I'll wish better for him. Also, don't forget: now you're going through the hard stages of healing right and you're hoping to stop thinking about your ex and move on? Well, your ex had moved on BEFORE she even dumped you. Imagine, all these things you're spending your time thinking, she doesn't care because she let go of you BEFORE it ever ended. SHe's moved on, so should you, and so should I. We deserve better and as hard as it is, we need to take all these weird feelings, feel them, but not act on them, and hopefully wake up a little stronger tomorrow morning.

You know, a lot of people told me to drink after my break up, to forget, but I find that the drunker I get, the weaker I become and start thinking of my ex in an uncontrollable way again. Needless to say, since I figured out drinking to forget doesn't work for me, I don't drink these days. I don't know what to say for your situation. I hope it will be reversible somehow. I dont know about the ex, but I hope with your friend, at least. I think everyone understands that you're going thru a hard time, and an engagement is an emotional thing whether you're single, or with someone, or newly broke up. I don't think it's a big deal, as long as you can restore your own self respect, I'm sure both you ex and your friend will forget soon.

I wrote something like this i read to myself every day. I will add yours under that and read it every day too. Great post.