desdichado
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Carter, The first thing I did was to understandd where she is coming from, and made sure she knows she can still talk to me. Also I never refused friendship. Oh and dont talk about the relationship or future relationships. Just have fun conversations. All I can say is you will naturally get to a point where you will realise that you need to improve yourself. I started working out like the day after we broke up. It helped me think clearly... Also after a month or 2 I notice a HUGE difference in my appearance. I have like 2x as much self confidence now. I also went out alot with friends and just had a good time. mystik, You are exactly correct! Great input! If you were the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend... and they mistreated you, definitely don't beg. I guess my point was that just because you beg its not that big of a deal. My ex told me that its "understandable." So if you do beg, dont beat yourself up... just realise that you should have self respect and use that to improve yourself. RC, As usual your advice is good! Your right, begging didnt get her back. Ultimately, my changing was the only thing that got her back. Begging was necassary for me I think. It made me feel like a fool, and started the process off self improvement. If someone could read this and skip the begging step... that would be great!!! I wish I would of listened to your advice from the beginning. Remember my first post... I sincerely apologise. You were 100% correct. It's weird how a person, such as yourself, can lead a horse to water... but can't make him drink. :splat: Anyone who reads this, After a break up, look at yourself. Decide if you are the person who you want to be. If not, then work towards that goal. After getting there, invite the ex out as friends... see what happens. They may like the improved you, if not... someone else surely will.
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Ok guys, I havent been reading this forum for a week or so now. Basically its because I've gotten my second chance. I thought Id share how it happened for me. Also before I tell the story, I want you to know that its still kind of shakey. We are dating though, which is cool. People say don't beg, don't act pathetic, just walk away. I dissagree. I think that sometimes people do this for about a month. I know I did. It was pretty pathetic. However I don't think it was very detrimental. Just dont do it for more than a month. I imagine most of you can already see how lame it makes you seem. The whole time since the break up, I was very understanding to her. This came naturally because I actually do understand where she is coming from. I think this is pretty important. As soon as we broke up I started looking at myself and problems I may have had in the relationship. Basically I was the same as everyone else, I took her for granted. I took it upon myself to make some huge improvements to my additude. Also I worked out every day. Just to get my confidence back, and if she didnt come back to me it would help meeting new girls. Ok, so after a month of being pathetic I started to just accept whats happened and to stay friendly with her. Instead of begging her to be with me, I listened to her and was just a friend. I did that for about a month. Then I asked her to come hang out with me as friends and she reluctantly agreed. At the time of her coming to visit me, I am in great shape... My personality and additude has been fixed. I had some serious issues, and I still strugle with them. I am getting better daily though. So she basically came over, saw me looking great, and enjoyed my company because I was upbeat and fun to hang with. After hanging out all day we started making out and she spent the night. The next morning she was asking me whether we could work things out. Now, a week later, we are going on a date this weekend. I guess the main point I want to get accross is the same as everyone elses. WORK ON YOURSELF!!! Take some serious time and get yourself to where you can be proud of who you are. I was 20 lbs over weight, and not very social. I played video games way too much and had few friends. While apart I lost 20 lbs, got pretty toned, turned myself into a friendly and social person, quit video games cold turkey (which I am soooo happy I did), and made a few friends. Once youve worked on yourself, invite the person over as friends. See how that goes. Don't push for anything. I flirted a little, but didnt make myself seem desperate.... just fun. The other person may really respind to your improved personality and looks. If they don't, you'll still be in a great place to meet a new person. Anyway, sorry for the poor punctuation/format. I hope this helps! -Cheers
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Yikes, now Im sort of afraid. I agree... it shouldnt be something lame just for the sake of getting one. I know a guy that got a tattoo of a design from this video game called World of Warcraft. And as fun as the game is... Itll be fun to explain to his kids someday lol. So anyone have one thats real meaningful? if so tell me about it!
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Hi everyone, I have been thinking of gettng a tattoo for a couple months now. I'm usually not the type of guy to get one. I was wondering... How many of you have tattoos and now regret having them? I want to get a shield on my shoulder blade with an uprooted tree in it that says Desdichado underneath. Like the black knights shield from the book Ivanhoe. The only problem is Im an engineer and this might look unproffessional. I guess itll be hidden pretty well with a shirt. I have also been working out alot and I was wondering that if I get ripped after I get the tattoo if it will skew the whole thing? Anyone have any experience? If so, lemme know! thanks!
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I truelly read everyones advice and see the insight from it all. It really is hard for a person to take advice that doesnt seem hopeful. I didnt mean to offend anyone. Havent you ever chosen to not believe in advice that doesnt match what you want to hear? I think that is just the nature of humans. My mind thinks that your right I should move on. I am just having a hard time accepting that. I am sure it will come with time. Update! I asked her out on a date. I cooked her a very nice diner. Afterwards we played a board game. I then asked her "what would have to happen for you to think this relationship is worth saving." She responded that she would need to feel independent. Later she asked if we could just be friends. I told her I would try my hardest (which is true). So we are now "officially" broken up. No more limbo. She said she wishes we met 2 years later That really broke my heart. I guess she really wants to date more and see whats out there. In a way I hope she realises that I am a better guy then the ones she dates. In another way I hope she finds someone that can make her happy for the rest of her life. Losing someone you love is so sad. I hope I can be her friend, and stop thinking about getting back together with her(which would make friendship unbearable). Do you guys think it is too early to start dating? I dont want to hurt anyone by making them a rebound, but I feel so lonely at the momment. Just to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie would be so nice.
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RC, I think your a great person to help people here on your spare time. Thansk for helping me.
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Relationship Coach, In no way am I trying to discredit you. My own mother is a counselor. The way she has explained it to me is that a counselor is there to listen. I have all the respect in the world for what you do. You are right, Id prefer to listen to someone who has advice that suits me. I am not denying that. I am not trying to hurt anyones feelings here, I am just trying to explain to you guys how it might be hard for me to trust everyone here. Also, have you ever tried to explain a situation, but there are too many factors to let the person you are explaining them to be able to contemplate them all? Or have you had people who think they understand you but you know they really dont. All Im saying is that I have to take all advice from everyone (not just on this forum) with a grain of salt. Everyone here is right that I have to worry about myself. I agree 100%. Its just SOOOOOO hard=( I truelly do apreciate everyones opinions. I guess I shouldnt have made the previous post. I guess everything I say is purely rationalization.
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Keep in mind we have ldr like 1/3 of the year. So this last time we were apart is when we have both thought we could be happy with more then 1 person. I mean seriously. There are over 6 BILLION people in the world. I have only been to 2 countries. The US and Canada. So assuming I met like 1% of all the people in those 2 countries... thatd be like what 4 million people. 4 million is about 1 in 1500 people in the world I have met.... not that great of odds for meeting the "one" if that concept is true. not to mention there is no way Ive met 4 million people.
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Thanks RayKay, I see where your getting at. Your points are certainly valid. I guess I can't help myself but to hope=( Everything you described to me so far about other peoples happy relationship is the same as ours was. When we got engaged, both of us "knew" we were meant to be together. I mean, she used to say we were soulmates. I used to think we were. I guess its pathetic that I still do and she is moving in a different direction.
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Its just that I get alot of different type of advice from different types of people. I can always move on later. I am positive I can. I don't want to jump the gun and miss out in case someone here gives me bad advice. Im not saying your advice is invalid. I guess my point is that this board is full of people that have had unsuccessful relationships. Thats what makes it the hardest to follow someones advice for me. I really apologize if this seems mean. I just don't really know anything about anyone here accept that most posts are about people having relationship problems. Again I hope I havent been rude. Also I really do apreciate your advice! Im probably just in denial. Its easier to believe in things you want to be true I guess.
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She says she doesnt have any feelings right now, she is so depressed. She said she felt so guilty after thinking about another guy, that it made her depressed. She said that after that she started not feeling the same way about me anymore. She wants to try and work things out, but ill tell her only if she wants to whole heartedly. I guess noone here will be able to convince me its all over until she says forsure that it is. Or until she says she is going to date other people... then i'm definitely moving on.
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well, her dad has always told her what to do. He has told her what kind of car to buy, what kind of apartment to rent, what school to go to, and so forth. With me I try to give her advice. It seems to her like I am telling her what to do. Even though when she talks to me about a choice she has to make it seems like she is asking me for advice, apparently she feels like Im pressuring her. She says even if Im not around she asks herself "what would (me) want me to do?" I told her that I think that would stink to have to think like that and that she shouldnt have to feel that way. I think this is one of our major issues. I also said that I think it would be important for me to stop pressuring her. She said "don't change for me" I said " I am changing in order to better all my relationships" which is true. I guess I pressure people to do things too much. To me it seems like Im reasoning with them, apparently I am over bearing.
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She has also told me that we need to go on a date sometime. I guess we both want to rekindle what we had, Im afraid its going to be far to awkward to do fully though. Hopefully we can just go have fun.
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Well and also she has said she wants to try and make things work. I asked her if there was a way she could maintain her independence while staying with me at the same time. She said she doesnt know, and she is waiting until she has some time alone to think things through. I think that her keeping independence and us having fun together will be key in trying to make things work.
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Well, I believe there are tons of people out there that could be happy with one another. I dont think there is "the one." Thats why I sometimes think I could be happy with other people. Im sure I could be happy with alot of people actually. Its just a bummer that I now have to look for another person. Although Ive said there are multiple people out there I could be happy with... It took me a very long time to find the first one. I look back on the times where I was dating, and I think to myself "man that sucked." I guess I was ready to settle down because Ive already dated a ton of girls, and found one that I could be happy with long term. I guess Im really afraid of starting to look again. I mean, I probably dated 50-60 girls just to find one good one. How many more will I need to date=( I suppse she is just the opposite of me. She has been in 3 relationships that have spanned a total of 9 years! She was dumped by the other 2. I guess she must feel that she is missing out on all the "fun" that people like me had when they were dating. Not only that, I love her. It will be a long time before I find someone that I love and that loves me back=(