kamurj

Hey.. I can totally sympathize with your situation. I dated a guy last year who did similar things to me. At first our relationship was great, but after awhile he started choosing not to spend as much time with me, would go out until all hours of the night and lie to me and say he couldn't call, his stories about his whereabouts and activities just didn't match up, and he would generally be evasive about his whereabouts and activities. We eventually broke up as he "blamed me" for being "insecure" but hey, if someone tells you they care for you but then they treat you like crap, its a bad head-game they're playing, one that definitely will create insecurity, and will make you feel you're going crazy. I dont know the overall situation with your girlfriend and yourself (I dont know if you have in the past argued about freedom/time alone/time together, or have had jealousy/insecurity issues) but it DOES sound like she is hiding something. It may not be another guy - perhaps she has a money problem, a sick friend or family member that she is having a hard time dealing with, drug habit, etc. However, it could also be another guy, anything's possible. I would look closely at the relationship beyond the obvious hiding that she's doing regarding her whereabouts and the person on the phone. Cheating or not, its a sign there's trouble in the relationship if she doesn't choose to spend time with you, especially before a big trip, etc, or if he/she is evasive, defensive, etc. Its hardly the way people that care about others choose to show their love. As you say that this is the first time you've had this type of experience with your girlfriend, give it some time to cool down and perhaps discuss later. Dont discuss while it's still a hot topic for both of you. It will just lead BOTH of you to dig into your "trenches" and fire shots back and forth, further creating a divide. While you're waiting for things to cool off, I'd review the relationship just to make sure that this is the first time you've ever had such insecurity - you may find that there are more incidences that you have been trying hard to ignore. Might be a good time to step back and evaluate your relationship overall and see if you are getting what you want and need from this arrangement. Cheating or no - at this point I would defnitely set my boundaries with her though - tell her that you dont need to know where she is and what she's doing at all times (hard to say when you're suspicious about your partner) but tell her that when you talk you expect to be treated with respect and honesty. It's only fair. Good luck. TRISHA

I like this guy (i'm female) that is too busy, and I wish he had more time, but he's worth waiting for... It's just to hard to wait. Do a lot of guys take this much time? it's been days since he said he'd call me.. jb

For all of you 91 people that have read my question and since none of you have replied, I will change my request from any other happily married woman to anyone with a suggestion - I will keep checking for answer. Thanks.

Like you, my husband was looking at porn, the only difference is, he was sharing it with me. We have been married for over 12 years and we don't look often but whenever we do, it is a turn on for both of us. Recently, we have discussed other fantazies. Depending on how you feel about the relationship you are in and if you want to stay with this fellow, then make every effort to approach him. Try telling him that you have often wondered about porn and would he be interested in watching it with you. This could be the start of a great sex life and explore each other. You said that your sex life was not all that exciting - I don't know who had the health issues but if everything is o.k. now, try talking about it. That is a total turn on too, if you are completely comfortable with him, you may go from non-exciting to non-stop! Total emotional contact with another person is so great and that just makes your sex life even better. If things go good with the porn, if you have a special date coming up, do what I did and go buy some special sex toys - my husband was thrilled. I wish you luck and will be looking for your response.

I have been dating (and living) with a guy for over 2 years and am concerned about his hiding porn and what this means to our relationship. I had first discovered that he has been hiding porn on our computer when I had be searching for one of my own personal files and found a variety of pictures. After this, I found more and what I have noticed is he is hiding it in such a way that everything is tucked away in inconspicuous places and even password protected so it can not be accessed by anyone but himself. I have not yet addressed any of my findings with him. We don't have what I'd call an extremely active or exciting sex life. We have active periods and not-so-active periods but I believe if he was open with the pornography, that it would actually be positive for our sexual relationship and really spice things up. I'm confused if his need to hide this is because he is afraid that I will be upset or if he prefers to get off on his own time in privacy. At the same time, I also wonder if its because our sexual relationship has been slow (due to health issues) or if he is just altogether uninterested in having sex with me. I'm not sure how do address this issue as he might feel that his privacy has been invaded. I do want to resolve this though so we can start having a healthy sexual relationship together.

A few weeks ago my girlfriend, who works at a bar, was supposed to come over after she got off work and spend the night. At least that was the original plan. She was leaving the following day with friends for a 9-day cruise so I was really looking forward to spending some time with her before she left. I asked her that morning if she was still coming over and she said she hadn't even packed yet so she was going to go home and do that rather than come over. I went to her work and had a couple beers while she finished her shift. I noticed at one point she made a rather secretive phone call from behind the bar- I didn't ask about it, it just seemed a little out of place. After she finished her shift, she joined me for a few drinks. About 45 minutes later she got a phone call. After she hung up she came back around and I asked who it was. "None of your business," she said. That was not only a rude response, but a very uncharacteristic one for her as she has never kept any such information from me previously. Fifteen minutes after that, she finished her drink and said she had to go home. I kissed her goodbye and asked her if I could call her after she got home. She paused but then replied, "Yes." When we left the parking lot, I was in front of her. When I made the right turn I needed to make she kept going straight, which was not the direction for her to be going to get home. When I got home, I called. And I continued to call for 2 hours after that. I knew something was up all along due to her behavior, but I was still in shock and disbelief about what I believed to be going on. I didn't sleep well that night for obvious reasons- and ended up getting up at 4am the next morning and continuing to call. She finally answered at 7 and of course I came completely un-glued. She told me that she went to a drugstore to get some things for her trip and then met some friends at a casino (we live in Nevada) and spent the night drinking and gambling. After calling her a cheater, liar and some other choice names she began to cry and kept telling me that her story was true. I've thought all along that she was lying to me, but I wanted so badly to trust her. But I called her on it again the other day and told her that there was no penalty for telling me the truth but I would go away forever if she lied to me. She is still sticking to her BS story, so I have since moved on as much as that hurt to do. How do you get someone like this to fess up when all the evidence points to her as cheating? And, am I putting too much energy into this? I still don't want to believe she lied, but with all that has gone on I really can't help it. What do you all think?

Shauna- girl I know it's hard. I with you on the pain. You can't sell yourself short. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you. You have got love to give. My partner and I are breaking up, (her suggestion) and even though I know she loves me things seem to boil down to "all about her". You need to take care of yourself adn let your Ex see what they are missing.

My guess is you're about fifteen years old. When I was fifteen I thought the expression '3 squares a day' referred to self-administered orgasms. Believe me, I got all three, just as you seem to be. It's fine. If you're not hurting yourself physically or substituting masturbation for intimacy (sexual or otherwise) with other human beings, flail away. See if you can break the thousand barrier. Hey, if you fall short, you still have a hell of a lot of fun this year--damn nearly free, also. Enjoy it while you can. In 20 years, you'll probably be able to fire three off in a day, but you probably won't choose to do so regularly.

This web page came to late into my life. I wish I had known then what I have just read tonight. My boyfriend broke up with me not to long ago because he felt constricted and unhappy. We had just gotten back from a wonderful vacation when he did this, so naturally I was confused. He says that he still loves me and wants to marry me it's just that he has some issues he wants to work on before we get serious again. Of course I have issues as well (we all do) but to me it seems like a line. I think what really happened was that I was to emotional and clingy for him. I thought that he would understand and thereforeeeeeee be "ok" with it but it seems that he wasn't. I know now what I need to do to keep him happy as well as myslef, I just don't know what I can do to get him back, or rather make him want to come back to me. I'd do anything for him. I love him so much. I'v never met anyone like him before in m life nor have I I've ever had such an enjoyable and passionate realationship like the one with him. What can I do to make him fell safe with me agian. How can I show him that he is safe, and that I wont sufficate him again?

Annie: I have never been divorced but know of couples and how they interact with each other. Sounds like his ex. is just too over powering for him and instead of standing up and fighting for the woman he loves, he has probably been so battered from her that he is not willing to go through it again. She probably used the kids against him and most fathers will do anything to see their kids. Write him a letter - he cannot talk to you right now but if you tell him how you feel, he may wake up and realize what he has lost. If he doesn't respond in your favour, at least you did not get married first and had to deal with the ex. for the rest of your life. If your relationship is worth anything to him, he may respond nicely to a letter. From my experience, men do not give up women, sex and a life of happiness for no reason - I wish you luck!

Dear George: There is nothing wrong with you, you are a normal healthy male. You should talk to your wife about some of the things you are feeling. Tell her about your desires, let her watch you masterbate - that is a total turn on for woman - and I even bet she won't let you finish on your own! Watch soft porn with her - the more you share together the better sex life you will have. Marriage is a wonderful thing where you can explore, share and carry out fantasies without feeling dirty or cheap. Maybe your wife is feeling unfulfilled to and cannot open up to you - does she reach orgasm? If you take her out for a nice dinner and romance her, you may be pleasantly surprised about how many of your feelings, she may be sharing silently with you. Have fun, go together to a sex shop - don't be ashamed, your married and will only show the other people in there that you are really into each other and want to have intense sexual relations. Your bodies are made for each other - explore them to the fullest. Instead of always masterbating, grab her in the middle of the night, put your hard penis between her legs and she will be wet for you in no time. I love it when my husband does that for me. Good luck, George - I will be watching for your reply.

I am struggling right now with a decision. I have been dating a man for a year and our relationship was great. We both have had disappointments in the past with cheating partners. We both understood that trust is one of the most important things in our relationship. We both absolutely trusted the other. Communication is another part of our relationship that we cherished. We never feared talking about the problems and fears we have been facing and are facing in life. He is divorced with two teenaged daughters that do not live with him. He is friends with his remarried ex-wife. He has the girls every vacation and communicated with them ever other day. They live out of state. We have been discussing marriage these past few weeks and I was a little scared and excited at the same time. I was extremely happy and content with our relationship. He is a very loving man that taught me to explore my feelings and not be ashamed of my self doubts, fears, anxieties etc. He just bought a house and we spent all Summer fixing it up and sharing in the responsibilities of its care. We filled with house with things that mean a lot to each of us. I tried to make it comfortable and easy to live in. The house is not big, but it is a great one. We planted plants adn flowers, danced in the patio, christened the spa, etc. We were very happy. We rarely fought and we always talked openly about our feelings. He had gone to counseling after his divorce. His wife cheated on him throughout their marriage and only stopped to have the girls, but continued after they were born. He has told me that he has forgiven his ex for the pain she has caused him. Well, that story gets complicated. This story ends about four weeks ago he and I took a vacation. It was to be a romantic week in a big city he has never visited, filled with dancing, restaurants, sightseeing and friends. We were also going tovisit his girls. They were only a few hours drive away from our city. I met his ex. It was very hard for me. She is a "big" personality type person. Constantly talking and questioning me. Trying to be "nice" but also being on the border of being pushy. The moment I arrived on the doorstep, she grabbed my hand and told my boyfriend to take their youngest to an after-school event and "you and I cant talk" I didnt want to go with her. She was a stranger and I didnt want to be alone with her in her house. But my boyfriend only mumbled " I dont think she wants to stay here." His ex replied "nonsense, she wants you to have time alone with your daughter doesnt she?" She looked right at me. I didnt know what to do. His daughter stood next to me. He was looking at me. and the Ex was still holding on to my arm. I walked quietly into her home. She bombarded me with questions and comments, made assumptions about my thoughts. Talked to me about my boyfriends likes and dislikes "he is always been like that..." She talked to me as if she and I shared a secret. It was disgusting to me. I had never seen nor spoken to this woman before in my life and I feel as if she sucked me into her life. My boyfriend came back and didnt say anything. Lets just say that the remaining two days were horrible. The morning of the day we left the area, we talked about marriage and he held me and said "we are going home, everything will be okay. I love you." He spent the day with his girls at his ex's house, and I went to visit a cousin in the area. We met at the airport for our flight back. He never said a word. We were tired and drained. I was angry, but about what I wasnt sure. Our flight was delayed and we arrived 3am back home. We were tired and didnt talk. We went to work the next day. A day later we were talking and he said "I think we need a break" I was stunned. I didnt know what he meant at first. I couldnt believe what I was hearing. I got angry. All the suppressed anger during the trip caught up with me and I spewed it out. That only reaffirmed his idea of a break. But he said "I would like it if we did not date anyone during this break, I just need time to think." I gave him time. His girls came for Spring break. i was suppose to go skiing with them,b ut he uninvited me. I was so hurt. I didnt understand. So for the week we did not communicate. After the girls left, he called that day and asked to see me. he came in and hugged and kissed me and we sat down. "I think it is only fair to you if we broke up." I do not see us in a long term relationship." "I fell out of love with you." I was devastated. I didnt understand. He said nothing. It has been a week and he has said nothing but "I dont want to talk about it. " I dont know what to do with myself. All my faith and all my trust in him just ran through my hands like sand. I couldnt hold onto it. (aside: I do know that his ex had a fight with him the day we left. She told him that she did not like me at all and thought that I was not very friendly.) His last words to me were," I still care for you, I hope that we can be friends." I moved my things out of his house back to mine and we have not talked about anything since then. When I asked on the phone, "did I do something to you that you cannot forgive me for?" his reply was to sigh and say "I am too tired to talk about this right now, I am just not in the mood." I love him so much, but I know it is not healthy to remain in this situation. "Move on?" "forget it" forgive him? Be friends? Remember, I love him. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Go with your gut on this one. If you are concerned enough over this to ask for a polygraph then you already know that you cannot trust her right now- whether what you feel is going on is or not is secondary. Trust your intuition on the initial dishonesty. If you are regularly jealous, she may have denied staying in touch for fear of the polygraph (over)reaction....but if not normally distrusting or jealous with her, there is something happening. My two cents is that if it is strictly platonic- she would be open about it and NOT offer to "cut all contact" immediately - Common sense says when you are friends, you don't try to hide it, deny it, then appologize profusely and have sex....that is what a lot of people do when they are sorry for cheating. The incredible make up sex is a red flag for my brain- it can easily be cover up sex...distraction sex...break up but not done sex... Either way, if she did cheat on you ask yourself if you would stay with her regardless. That is after you listen to your belly-reaction to the deceit.

My husband and I have been married for over 15 years. Our relationship is loving and our sex life is unbelievable. We experiment and fantasize. The fantasy that my husband has (which I think every male has had) is a three way. Recently, while on business, he made a friend and has been corresponding with her. They like each other and have shared feelings through e-mail. I learned about their feelings by accident, we argued then I came to the realization that their conversations about work, culture and sharing each others everyday life makes them both happy. She lives in another country. I have seen pictures of this woman, she is attractive and is very attracted to my husband. He describes her as very similar to myself and hopes we can become friends should we ever meet. I started to think about a 3 way and have openly talked to my husband about it. He has no plans on leaving his family and has made it clear that there is no commitment to her and that he would never leave us nor is he looking. This is just something that makes him happy that another woman finds him attractive and she is very open about her feelings for him. He would like to see this happen but does not want to push it. I wonder: - what happens to a marriage after - are you always second guessing - I want to explore having sex with another woman and think it would excite me to see her getting both my husband and I excited - is it a benefit to have her from another culture - is the experience worth it I would appreciate any other happily married woman who have been through this to help me with my decision and share what they have been through. Whether you would do it again or was it too much to handle. Please help - "Restless with questions"

I am the same way w/ my girlfriend. Despite what the psychologists say, I find that it helps to just hide my feelings. By not reacting, I think I've been making progress towards being less jealous. Like seeing her talk to someone else and knowing that nothing ever happens helps me to trust that nothing will happen.

Sorry, but you don't have a chance, at least not now. She was probably trying to let you down easy instead of just telling you to bug off, which on the up side means she does think of you as a friend. If you value her as a friend, keep it at that. If you pressure her to be more, she will end up avoiding you or worse. If the two of you become close friends, well you've made a close friend and that's great. The best relationships start with friendships anyway.

I've been dating a guy for about a year and a half now. Our relationship is great in every aspect except our faiths. I'm a Christian, and he is a Unitarian. We both feel very passionately about our beliefs. In the year and a half that we've been dating, we've only had a handful of arguments, and as far as I can remember, they've all been somehow related to our beliefs. The big problem is, that at this point we realize how much that we'd like to end up married, but want to be objective about the possiblities of it working out. I'm pretty uncompromising that I want to raise my children as Christians, and in a Christian church, and he is far from being like minded on the issue. Neither of us want a family that is divided on such a fundamental issue, but in every other way we seem so right for each other. We have come to the point where we can no longer put this off. (We've been doing so since we started dating) We love each other very very much. We don't want to loose each other, but at the moment we can't even think of where to begin to work it out. Does anybody have any advice?

I agree with the last post that the polygraph was to much. I agree that your girlfriend shouldn't have kept it from you. But I also think asking her to cut off all contact with him is silly. Wanting to remain friends with him is a sign of maturity, as long as everything is on the up and up of course. You need to be confident in the way she feels about you, and trust her when she says that there is nothing going on between them. If you can't trust her, even if she isn't doing anything, what is the point of dating? And if something happens between them, then she wasn't the woman for you anyway. Trust is important, but nobody can earn your trust if there is never any situation in which they have a chance to.

A woman in which i took the time to got to know for 2 months just told me that she liked me a lot as a friend but that's all.1) she doesn't have the feelings for that, 2) she's got her hands full with a lot right now 3)she's not looking for a relationship right ....Do i have a chance

I am in a relationship with a guy I am so in love with, but my ex recently came back into my life and told me still loves me and wants to be with me and I still care about him though also? what do I do?

The polygraph test was a bit much, man. But I hear your concern. You care a great deal about this woman, and you're investing a lot of yourself in the relationship. Healthy relationships are give and take, two way street, whatever metaphor of duality you can think of. She should have been upfront the first time she went for coffee. So, she made a mistake. But the key thing is, she apologized. If she didn't, you'd have something to wonder about. But, she apologized and you should feel good. Unless there are other instances that have made you uncomfortable about trusting her, I'd let this instance float away like water under the bridge. Move forward with your girlfriend who apologized to you. And tell her you overreacted by asking her to take a lie-detector test--apologize.

Hi, We have been in a committed relationship for almost a year, and I care a great deal about this girl. We have even been making plans to live together and eventually get married. However, I recently discovered an email from her exboyfriend that indicated they had been keeping in touch. I confronted her & she denied everything. The next day (Friday) she came over to talk and told me that they had gone out for coffee 2-3 times, and that the relationship was strictly plutonic. That same day we had makeup sex, and she stayed over the entire weekend. She assured me of her love for me and apologized profusely. She gauranteed me that she would immediately cut off all contact with him. We had a very passionate weekend to say the least. Well, it's the next week and my feelings of distrust have re-surfaced. It got to the point where I asked her to take a polygraph test yesterday to confirm her story and she is reluctant. This resulted in a fight. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

that's like almost 3 times a day, what the hell is wrong withyou. freak. you must have a lot of free time on your hands and a sore d*ck.

Hi Do you and your partner talk about sex, or lack thereof? Does he tell you why he is not interested, or have you asked? Do you think that there is a problem in the relationship that has caused for him to grow distant or not interested in sex? Have you tried different things to liven things up in the bedroom? Spice things up by asking him on a date. Try to rekindle the heat of when you guys dated by calling him up at work and asking him on a date. Take him to a dinner and movie. Avoid bars on the date. Get dressed up for the date. Buy a new shirt. Go to the store and pick out a shirt you would like for him to wear on the day. Put the invitation for the date in the shirt box! Be creative. Sometimes in order to make progress, or to go ahead, you have to spice things up in remembrance of how things once were.

Hi I understand the delima of deciding how to come out and who you want to come out to. I delt with this issue nearly ten years ago, in 1993. If you read the story, you might find that it was not so good. BUT I lived, thereforeeeeeee I learned. Here are some of the things that I learned: 1. Some people that you know, who are very familiar with you, may be more intuitive than you might expect. For instance, when I told my mother, she stated, "I wondered when you were going to tell me." While people you know might not be that abrupt or blunt, they may already have a clue. 2. If you loose "friends" by coming out to them, they never really were your friends. 3. Close friends and family will say it is a phase. They say they will support you through it, but they REALLY want to believe it is a phase. If you are gay, time will prove to them it is not a phase & that you wont grow out of it. 4. Appreciate those who accept you as you are. You will find that some friends and family will offer more support and/or understanding than others. 5. It might be best to be very selective when you first tell a friend or family member. Do it one on one. Select someone who you believe to be the most understanding. If the person who you believe to be the most understanding turns on you, then you have prepared yourself for one of the people who you believe might not accept your homosexuality. If they accept you, then you have support when someone does not accept you. 6. Don't out yourself on a major holiday during a family gathering. 7. Don't expect your family to immediately accept your partner. Many families look at (the first) gay partner as the person who "caused" you to be gay. Even now, ten years later after I came out, I introduce my girlfriend as a "friend." My family does the math. I needn't say she is my girlfriend. If I did, my family would probably think I'm just rubbing it in. 8. Remember that some families are very understanding and easily accept their gay sons and daughters. My girlfriend's mother is like Mrs. Cleaver on "Leave it to Beaver" !!!! She loves me! I was astonished!!! 9. Don't let other people's ignorance affect you. Their response is not a direct reflection of you: it is a reflection of their ignorance. I hope I helped you. Good luck!